Topic : True Love

I understand what you're saying, but I was 35 years old before I ever married and I wasn't getting any younger and when I met my husband I knew he wasn't financially stable, but nowadays most people are struggling.  What I did like about him was the fact that I could talk to him easily.  There are so many couples out there that barely say two words to each other all week.  Me and my husband talk and laugh constantly.  It was important to me to have someone I could communicate to easily if I was going to be living with them. I like the fact that being older than him allowed me the freedom to pursue my dreams without any spousal competition. I totally butt heads with men my age and expecially if they are as educated as I am. For some people I know that is not a problem, but for me it is and it seems to affect the men moreso than myself regarding my education.  So basically it is not really a problem that I have, but it is a problem that I have encountered that they have, though. We live in a very bad state for employment and opportunity.  I believe the absolute worst in the country and where you live in this country does play a factor in the employment and job opportunities that you have and we are looking to move from here soon.  My husband starts a new job tomorrow and I hope it works out, but how can I down him if my job track record isn't good either?  I have good self-esteem.  I am attractive, smart and funny.  We are just very liberal people and having to deal with company politics is really not my forte'. I mean where we live depending on what church you go to can depend on whether or not you keep your job or not. Seriously! My husband is very faithful to me.  I know he is and to me that is worth it's weight in gold.  He doesn't hunt or fish or go to football games or golf or any other excuse that some married men give to get out of the house only to wind-up in a strip club or cheating on their wives. I know I deserve the best but even the so-called "best" situation isn't always what it seems. I knew what I was getting into when I got married and I basically would rather make my marriage work out than to be a divorced woman looking to get remarried pushing 40 years of age.

My husband and I are still newlyweds and running into trouble already. I feel that my husband is not emotional or affectionate whatsoever. I have communication propblems that I am trying to improve. But it seems like every time I make the effort to express my troubles or feelings about something, he automatically gets defensive and has to prove his side instead of being compassionate and taking into consideration my feelings. I have told him numerous times what my needs are to feel loved. It seems like the only time I get touched or kissed is when he wants to have sex. Oh, and did I mention that we ONLY have sex when he wants to. I now feel like I need to have my actions speak louder than my words. I try not to be as cute or loving as I want to be. I don't tell him I love him as much as I want to, or even say it at all just to see if he'll make the first move. I know it's probably not the right thing to do, but I feel like I've tried to do everything I can to improve our relationship and it's not working. Just last night we had an argument and I tried to express how I was unhappy with how things are going and my husband replied with,"Maybe we shouldn't be in this realationship if I can't make you happy." But I feel that he can make me happy if he just put in some effort. I think he feels that he doesn't have to change. I don't want to end our marriage when it has just started. I know there's other relationships out there that are going through the same thing. Can anyone give me advise that has worked for them? Thanks everyone!

I would first like to say that no one in the world can MAKE you happy, except yourself.  Second of all, you need to figure out who YOU are before you can BE happy with someone else.  I figured that out the hard way.  I realized that when we were signing divorce papers.  He couldn't make me happy.  I couldn't make me happy until I figured out what I wanted in a mate and who I wanted to be as a mate.  It took me 4 years.  But I got it right.  And now I am happy.  Try it.

I understand what you mean. I just started reading Dr. Phil's book "Relationship Rescue", and he starts it with how you have to reconnect with yourself first before you can fix the relationship. I am happy with myself. I'm a very confident individual and know I have a lot going for myself at such a young age. My husband and I have a good relationship for the most part. We are able to just sit and talk like friends and joke around. It's just that affection issue. With all that said, if I'm happy with myself, does that mean that I'm just not happy with him? I know he can't MAKE me happy, but there are little things that would make me feel better about our relationship. Does that make sense, or am I just naive?

Then communicate and then communicate so more about what you need and want out of your relationship. 

  

Since you are a newlywed I will say that a decrease in the kind of affection you have grown accustomed to is normal, BUT that doesn't mean you can't ask for what you need. 

  

You still may not get what you want, but at least you asked for it. 

  

Perhaps you could ask him for a hug or a for some ideas about how the TWO of you can meet in the middle regarding your desire for more affection.  Since men are generally more analytical thinkers, maybe that's a good direction. 

  

It sounds like the two of you have a good relationship and a good relationship is WORTH fighting for. 

  

Q 

I came across your post while looking for someone with the same problem as me, but kind of the opposite. I also reconnected with my first love after many years. He lived in another country and I moved there to be with him. Well, we ended up getting pregnant and married. We have been back together for almost 3 years and have a one year old. The problem is that I can't stop thinking about the guy that I was dating on and off for a few years while me husband and I weren't together. I loved this guy so much but he wasn't ready to commit to me so I moved on (physically but not emotionally). I feel like this guy is the guy that I am meant to be with, even though I don't believe in that soul mate stuff. I dream about him all the time and I think about him every day. I feel like I married the wrong man. The hardest part to swallow is that this guy now expresses interest in me. He is a good friend of my family because he has been friends with my brother for 15 years. He has recently asked my brother about me and how my marriage is. He he also talked to my mom about me. I know that he is regretting letting me go and I think he feels the same way about me as I do him. But I am married now and have a daughter so I have to try and ignore my feelings and it's incredibly hard. I think that it is normal to still have some love for an X and maybe you are just having premarital jitters because you don't know if you are making the right decision. That is perfectly normal. If you feel like you love your fiance with all your heart and want to spend the rest of your life with him then that is a very positive thing. I feel that way about my X, not my husband. So it sounds like you are just scared about making such a big decision and I don't think you'll end up in the situation that I find myself in.

I want to thank you for your reply, however there is one part I don't agree with. I don't have feelings of low self esteem, or self worth,  or rate my value as a person on how much affection he gives me, that is not it at all. My whole point is as a human being I would like to be interacted with more than i am.. Thats all. so much of the time he just watches TV, or UNWIND. But that can't go on all night. Then the odd thing is in a minute he'll change and want to be more sociable.  

It is human nature to want to be talked to and interacted with. Not sit on the couch all night wishing he would talk to me. 

  

I MOVED FROM MY HOME TOWN TO MARRY WHAT I THOUGHT WAS THE MAN OF MY DREAMS.  HE MADE ME FEEL SO LOVED AND NEEDED.  I GAVE UP MY JOB AND MOVED AWAY FROM MY  3 KIDS (WHO ARE ALL GROWN NOW), FAMILY AND FRIENDS TO MARRY HIM.  MY HUSBAND AND I HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR ONLY 14 MONTHS AND ARE ON THE VERGE OF GETTING A DIVORCE.  HE IS A HEAVY DRINKER AND ALSO VERBILY ABUSIVE. HE HAS 2 KIDS BY A PREVIOUS MARRIAGE THAT LIVE WITH US.  WE DON'T COMMUNICATE AT ALL, AND HE DOESN'T TALK TO THE KIDS EITHER (ONLY WHEN HE IS UPSET ABOUT SOMETHING THAT THEY DID WRONG).  I HAVE TRIED EVERYTHING I KNOW AND I FEEL LIKE I AM FIGHTING A LOOSING BATTLE.  WHEN I DISCIPLINE THE KIDS HE GETS ANGRY WITH ME AND ACTS LIKE WHAT EVER THEY DID OR DIDN'T DO IS MY FAULT.  SO I STOPPED AND THAT UPSETS HIM TOO.  I DON'T FEEL LIKE HE LOVES ME AT ALL AND HALF OF THE TIME HE LOOKS AT ME LIKE HE CAN'T STAND MY SIGHT.  I RECENTLY LOST 30 POUNDS AND HE NEVER ENCOURAGED ME NOT ONCE AND ONLY MENTIONED THAT HE EVEN NOTICED WHEN HIS BROTHER PAID ME A COMPLIMENT.  BUT NOW I HAVE RECENTLY GAINED ABOUT 6 POUNDS BACK BECAUSE OF A FOOT INJURY AND HE DIDN'T HESITATE TO MENTION THAT I WAS GETTING FAT AGAIN.  HE NEVER HAS A KIND WORD  TO SAY TO ME AT ALL AND I USE TO TELL HIM ALL THE TIME HOW MUCH I LOVED HIM AND NOT ONLY THAT I ALSO TRY TO TALK POSITIVE TO OUR KIDS BECAUSE HE ONLY YELLS AT THEM AND TELLS THEM WHAT THEY DO WRONG SO I TRY TO PRAISE THEM AND LET THEM KNOW WHAT IS GOOD ABOUT THEM.  I HAVE GIVEN ALL OF ME TO HIM AND HIS KIDS AND I DON'T GET ANYTHING IN RETURN.  I FEEL SO UNWANTED AND UNNEEDED AND I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH LONGER I CAN LIVE LIKE THIS.  I HAVE 3 GRAND CHILDREN THAT I DON'T GET TO SEE AND I AM MISSING OUT ON THEIR MOST PRECIOUS YEARS WHILE I AM SITTING HERE BEING ABUSED BY HIM.  I THREATENED TO LEAVE ABOUT 3 MONTHS AGO AND HE BEGGED ME TO STAY-- AND HE DID DO BETTER FOR A LITTLE WHILE, BUT NOW IT'S BACK TO THE SAME OLD THING, DRINKING AND IGNORING EVERYTHING ELSE.   SOMETIMES WE GO DAYS WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING TO EACH OTHER AND THAT BOTHERS ME ALOT BECAUSE I AM A VERY AFFECTIONATE PERSON.  I HAVE TO BEG HIM TO TOUCH ME OR SHOW ANY AFFECTION AT ALL, I TRY TO HUG HIM AND HE EITHER MOVES AWAY OR ACTS LIKE I AM BOTHERING HIM.  I DON'T WANT TO START ALL OVER AGAIN, I GAVE UP EVERYTHING I HAD AND NOT ONLY THAT I DON'T WANT TO WALK OUT ON OUR KIDS BECAUSE I KNOW THAT THEY NEED ME AND THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT THEIR MOTHER DID.  IT HAS TAKEN ME A LONG TIME TO EARN THEIR LOVE AND RESPECT AND I HATE TO DISAPPOINT THEM AND LEAVE.  SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP ME, I STRUGGLE WITH DEPRESSION AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.  I AM TRYING TO  STAY POSITIVE, BUT IT IS HARD WHEN ALL YOU HEAR IS NEGATIVE TALK AND ABUSE ALL DAY. IN HIS EYES I CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT AND IT IS TAKING A TOLL ON ME.

Before you married him, did he demonstrate the role of the spiritual head of the family? 

  

Do you pray together?   

  

Do either of you pray with your children, or teach them the importance of prayer, or how to pray? 

  

Are you teaching your children about the importance of their souls and their eternal life?  

  

Life here is but a short time ... eternity lasts forever.  Make it a priority!   

  

Keep the main thing the main thing! 

It sounds like money is a huge issue for you.  

   

If you love each other, it will be in poor times as well as good times.  If what you have changes with your bank account, that is not love.  

   

Do you pray together?  Is your husband the spiritual head of your marriage?    

   

How much do you tithe?  Regardless fo how much you have, are you giving with your money or do you keep it all?