Quote From: earthlover1I am living proof of it because it happened to me once in my life, and here is the kicker! I'm still in love with him. Twenty-some years ago, a man walked into my life at work. We had instant chemistry and an instant compatability. I was told he had been married, but he was no longer with his wife. So I thought it was okay to go out with him when he asked me to. We went out to dinner and he told me he was still with his wife. I was already in love with him, but I told him I couldn't see him anymore. But the next day, he was back in my department; I was back in his. We fought our feelings for months. He said he was in love with someone else when he married his wife. Our feelings for each other grew. He legally separated from his wife. We went out on a date and were very happy together. That was our only date. He went back into the marriage because he had to protect his family. They were involved in some weird religion. We saw each other a couple of times after that, but only to talk. I started getting hang-on calls with no voice on the other end. They followed me wherever I went. We gave each other up for the good of everybody. I tried to get over him. I dated men for nine years, but my feellings were so deep for this man that I could not replace them. Then I met a widower and fell in love with him. I really thought we were going to be happy. We got along well together before we were married. Our honeymoon was great, but after we came home, my husband did a 180 degree turn. He put his attention on his children and himself. He seems very angry, sarcastic and mean a lot of the time. We had a son born to us who is now 13 years old. I tried to make the marriage work. I gave this man my heart and my soul, but he has avoided me for the last 15 years. He lives like a single man almost. He cannot connect emotionally with me. We really have almost no relationship. He is not fulfilling my needs and doesn't even know how. I feel very alone. He is not physically abusive, but just does not treat me right or our marriage. I have wanted to leave several times, but I am disabled and have no money. Also, my son is my first priority. It turns out, my husband is not the love of my life. The other guy is. I think about him all the time and dream about him. I wish so much we were together. I love my husband, but in a different way that I love him. I'm in great pain, and I don't know what to do. Can anyone give me some sound advice?
First you must find the desire for change… then only seek to change what you have control over. You are worthy of having happiness in your life. To do that you must take control of your destiny. Your destiny is tied to what you are focused on.
Playing “what if” with the memory of “past” love appears to have helped steal away some of your happiness right here in the present. You’re in control of what you think and the attitude in which you focus on it. I’m thinking your husband may also be focused on his past love that was taken from him too.
It appears to me that you both really may not have a mutual vision of your future together. I may be wrong, but it seems like you and your husband are looking in opposite directions instead of toward each other. Plus, kids usually blame themselves for things that go wrong with parental relationships. Please let me suggest something that may help.
From your post it appears you are looking toward and fixed point in the past. This may be keeping you from moving forward with your expectation of happiness. To start forward momentum you must have a vision of you and what makes you happy in the future. It must be do-able and honest. While pondering this vision of future happiness insert your happy relationships with people. For example, my wife sees us being grandparents of our children’s happy and healthy families and gives a fair bit of detail to her picture of the future. When it is clear what you want you must write it down.
Now you’re ready to anchor it in the present….What can you do now?
The first step you could take is sharing it with your husband. See if he is willing to do a personal “check-up from the neck-up” too and share his vision with you. He may, or you both may reject all of this but at least you’re being honest an open.
Begin looking toward one another and take control of your destiny cause you both are worthy of happiness. But ya gotta do the work to earn it. Plus, your son deserves a chance to model a happy marriage. Best wishes to you and your family.
