Topic : True Love

Unfortunately - this is not your battle to fight.  It's theirs.  About the only thing that I would suggest that you do is be open and honest with both of them about how their arguing makes you feel.   

  

Be careful about assigning blame to your mom OR dad though.... the thing is that there are parts of their relationship that you are not privy too - so you don't know for sure what your mom is REALLY reacting to.  Also - don't be so sure that they are not still in love... being in love entails a lot of really, really deep emotions - and they're not so easily erased... it could be that they just haven't learned to communicate with each other.  

  

I'm not sure how old you are - but here are some thing that MIGHT work.... 

When they ask what you want for Christmas - tell them that more than anything else - it would mean the world to you if they would agree to go to Family Counseling with you.  If they think that they are going for you - they may be more willing to do it.  Explain that you have seen them so angry for so long that now you are beginning to feel angry all the time and you KNOW that's not normal. 

  

Write a letter to them and express your love for them both - but tell them that you are concerned about them because of how they are always fighting - that you are afraid that you wouldn't even recignize what it is to be in love because you don't know what it looks like. 

  

More than anything - don't take sides.  Be objective and continue loving them both.  You can also try buying them Relationship Rescue, Dr. Phil's book.  I also really like the Mars and Venus books... good common sense advice. 

What is true love?  True love is when 2 people who are completely at ease with themselves, and who love themselves come into a relationship and can see the other person with eyes wide open.  They see the amazing things that person has to offer and they see that persons flaws - they CHOOSE to love that person.  Love is work.  I love my husband more than I ever thought I could love another person.  He is my best friend, he is my lover, he is my soul mate - he adds to my life without taking anything away.  I have not sacrificed anything for my relationship... because when you give to your true love - it is not a sacrifice - it is a love offering.  True love is when you are both willing to pull down walls that life has taught you to build - it is trusting that other person not to intentionally hurt you.   

  

Love at first sight?  Yes, I believe that there is love at first sight.  I loved my son at first sight, I loved my mother at first sight.  However, the kind of love that grows between a couple takes time... it takes getting to know one another.  The spark that you feel when you find "the one" - is the indicator that you're willing to TRY to get to know this person so that you CAN love them. 

  

Is it possible to cheat on your true love?  Yes.  Love takes work.  Love is like anything else - you get out of it what you put into it - the hard part is that both people have to be working on it from all sides - otherwise someone feels like they are giving too much and eventually either gives up or finds another place to focus that energy.  And it's then that affairs happen.  Communicate - talk, touch, write letters, journal.  Write down all the things that you love about your Significant Other.  Write down all the things that they do that fill you up.  When a time comes (and it will) that they can't give 100% - read your journal and remember WHY you fell in love with that person.  Remember that the average of a relationship is 50/50 - but that most of the time someone is giving 60 and someone else is giving 40.   

I am really desperate and in need of serious help. I don’t know where else to turn. I am dealing with trying to recover from depression and my marriage falling apart.  

  

I have been married for almost 14 years. I will be 38 at the end of the month and my husband is almost 45. We have one daughter who is 6 years old and the joy of our lives. 

  

My husband told me back in July that he doesn’t love me anymore and he hasn’t for quite some time. He wants out of our marriage. We have seen a counselor individually and as a couple for almost three months now. Here is some background on our life. 

  

We were married in January 1992. In January of 1993, we found out that I had a genetic joint disease that affects my hips, knees, ankles and some of my spine. In June of 1993, I had bilateral hip replacement surgery. About 3 years after the surgery, I became very depressed about my health and how it was affecting my husband and our life together. He was overprotective and coddling and wanted me to protect my hips so that they will last a long time. I felt worthless as a wife and a woman. I felt like he was my caretaker not my husband. My depression got worse and I pulled away from him emotionally and sexually and became irritable and lifeless. I felt like a lump who just sat and watched the world go by. I did ask several doctors for help about my depression but got the same responses, "of course you’re depressed, look at you, you were 25 years old when you had your hips replaced, just give yourself some time and relax and be happy for what you can do." In 1997, I developed vertigo problems on top of everything else. 

  

In January of 1999, we found out I was pregnant. I was so excited because I felt now I had a purpose and I was feeling so much better about myself and our life. I felt myself coming out of the depression. I had a C-section because our daughter weighed 10.2 pounds at birth and couldn’t come out naturally. With that, I wasn’t able to lift or carry her for 2 weeks. Our daughter immediately bonded with my husband and saw him as the mommy role. I felt like he just took over and pushed me aside. At the start, she rejected me holding her, changing diapers, etc. I felt the depression coming back even worse this time. Here we had this beautiful baby girl whom I loved more than anything and she didn’t want anything to do with me and my husband was pulling away from me. She wasn’t interested in interacting with me, only my husband. I felt so worthless as a wife and mother now. I didn’t know how to deal with this. As the years went on, I became more depressed and my husband pulled away from me more and more. I didn’t know how to deal with all this rejection. I became more depressed. By the time, our daughter was in preschool we realized she had problems talking and interacting with others at school. After searching online, I came across a child anxiety disorder called Selective Mutism and she fit 99% of the profile for it. We currently have her on Prozac and that has helped tremendously. Over the last 1-2 years, my daughter and I have finally bonded.  

  

Over the last year, I realized that I needed help but no one was going to help me. I had to help myself. So I tried my best to get myself out of this depression. I was making some progress but then my father got gravely ill (March 2005) and that pushed me back down and I was consumed with worry over him and my mother, etc. He came home from the hospital in May and was making a slow recovery. I was now able to concentrate on myself again. Then in July, my husband had melt down and told me how he really felt about me. He revealed that he doesn’t love me anymore and hasn’t for quite some time, he never wants to have sex with me ever again and he wants out of our marriage. I was shocked and felt myself spiraling back into depression. 

  

In August, we went to see a counselor (individually and as a couple) at a counseling place for low-income people. She has helped in some ways but I am convinced she is not really helping either one of us in a truly constructive way. Both the counselor and I believe my husband y is in the midst of a midlife crisis too.  

  

I begged my husband to give our marriage another chance, he agreed to do it for me but was already decided that our marriage was over. He put a time limit of 5 months on our second chance. That second chance started at the end of August and would end at the end of January. Well, last week he told me that he can’t do this anymore and he will never love me again. He has his mind made up and there is nothing anyone can do or say to help him see differently. I on the other hand, still love him and want to make our marriage work and make it better. I am willing to do the work, no matter how long it takes (3 months or 3 years). We have made several mistakes during the second chance period and I think that has hurt us more (I asked him if he wanted to resume a sexual relationship during this second chance and he said yes. So we resumed our sexual relationship. I thought that this was what he wanted to. I had asked him several times during the past 3 months about sex and he said he wanted to.) He said he never wanted to resume our sexual relationship he just did it to make me happy. I don’t think giving a marriage 3-5 months for a second chance is fair enough. It took us 10+ years to get this way and it can’t take less than 6 months to repair it. 

  

I honestly believe my husband is worth it and our marriage is worth it. But it’s clear he doesn’t feel that way. Do I just give up or do I continue to fight for our marriage? My heart and brain tell me not to give up...I can fight for both of us right now, even if he isn’t willing. I also don’t believe in divorce. I am struggling dealing with my depression and trying to not go back into my depression at the same time of dealing with my marriage falling apart. I need help and I don’t know where to turn. 

  

I don’t have any support from family or friends. The only person I have been able to talk to is the counselor but she’s really not helping me deal with my marriage problems. Her attitude has been leave him then. 

  

Please, please help with any advice. I don't have anywhere else to turn. Thank you. 

Ok I will try to make this short but it probably won't be.  I am currently 38 years old and my husband and I have 6 kids between us.  Five of which live with us, along with my grandbaby and her mother.  My husband and I met almost 19 years ago and got married a little over 11 years ago.  For the first 17 1/2 years we were together he was an active alcoholic.  He was never physically abusive but mentally and emotionally alot.  When sober he was very nice.  I also said I would never put up with someone hitting me and I stuck to that but as the years went along I realized that it was the mental and emotional abuse that really hurt.  I got to the point that I didn't care if he stayed or went but mostly because of the kids and the fact that I still loved him I didn't make the move to leave him.  If he had left I would have been hurt but would have dealt with it.   

  

In regards to the subject of the message.  I have always been attracted to women but had only had one experience one time with my best friend in high school, probably about 20 years ago.  My husband and I had mentioned bringing a women into our relationship for a one time thing or whatever, we wasn't sure.  Well about  6 years ago I met a woman online, Kim who is bisexual.  We become friends and nothing come of that.  She for one didn't approve or like my husband drinking and she is a very outspoken and indepent person so my husband didn't really like that.  Well through her I met this woman Vicki about 4 years ago.  Vicki is a lesbian and was in a not so good relationship at the time.  Her and her girlfriend at the time lived above a bar and Kim and I used to go out every Friday night for about a year and the 3 of us would hang out.  Vicki and I come to find out that we have alot in common.  Both having troubles in our relationships and both very much alike we had alot in common.  Well I ended up falling in love with her.  My husband does not know of my feelings for her but he does know that we are very good friends as we are still friends to this day. 

  

There is so much in relation to this situation that I don't understand and have a lot of trouble dealing with but we continue to be friends and I am still with my husband whom I love but do not feel I am in love with.  My husband and I went through a rough period in April and May of this year and I was thinking about leaving him as I was not only having issues of being in love with Vicki and still being with him but I think that I am starting menopause and am having issues related to that that make me want to just run away and be alone and not deal with everything in my life.  But all in all things are definately better then they were but not as good as I wish they were. 

  

Anyone have any ideas, suggestions, comments or live a similar situation please let me know.  I would love to hear from anyone.  

  

Tamitha 

  

I am all set to be married in one week to a man that I have been with for 7 years.  I am in my mid thirties.  He is a good, good man - everyone loves him - there are no issues of abuse, addictions, he is better at housework than me, and is very respectful. But we lack passion, and always have, and I have always felt in the back of my mind that I was 'settling', even though I didn't want to admit it.  About 1 month ago I started to feel panic at the idea of marriage.  It 'coincided' at a time when I had the opportunity to get to know someone I've always 'admired' from afar - and there was definate chemistry.  Through a group activity with mutual friends, we spent an evening laughing and goofing around and having a TON of fun together.   I had more fun with him that evening, and felt more of a connection with him than I have EVER felt with my fiance.  He finally asked if I was 'okay' and said I didn't seem like a bride about to get married - at which point our discussion turned to the obvious mutual attraction between us.   I walked around in a daze for a week or so until I finally talked to my fiance about the fact I was having 2nd thoughts about the wedding and nerves.  I didn't mention the attraction to someone else as I think in a lot of ways it is kind of irrelevant and would just be hurtful right now.  He suggested we go and see a local pastor to talk and we did, and I went to a couple of counselling sessions to try and sort through normal 'pre-wedding' nerves and serious doubt.  I have always felt in our relationship that I have 'pushed' things along (self esteem) and that he was never really in-love with me but that we have grown to a point of loving each other very much.    I feel like we are 'comfortable' and 'content' but that I have 'given myself away' somewhat in this relationship, and I felt with this new 'attraction' that I was finding myself again.  I guess its the age-old dilemma - to commit to marriage with a good, comfortable, man who will always treat me right, but lacking in passion and spark and excitement, or to pursue love with what feels like a soulmate.     We have spoken about postponing the wedding - not breaking up but postponing until we feel like we can talk all of this through and then decide if we are going to get married that we'll both do it knowing it's the best thing ever. - but I know he doesn't want to postpone- that he would be embarrassed as friends and family are travelling to the event.    

  

But I guess it comes down to this question: Should I take that walk down the aisle, and pledge our lives to each other before God, with all the doubts and fears as they are right now,  knowing that these issues aren't going to go away on their own and  thinking that 'well, we'll just keep working through this stuff and find out if the marriage will work or not?' .....or should we postpone - as painful and embarrassing that will be for everyone with such short notice - and make sure that when we do take that walk down the aisle that we are as sure as any couple can be when they pledge their love to one another.   

  

I am running out of time to make this decision - I wont leave him at the alter, so need to make a decision now!!  Any one been through the same thing as me??  Advice?? 

 That was such a nice post.  Really puts things into perspective.  I can't wait for my hubby to come home so I can give him a nice big kiss.  Thanks! :*)

I have been married for almost 7 years.  We have 3 children together.  Recently, I have become a stay at home mom.  Which is harder than I thought.  anyway, my husband has a habit of lying to get what he wants with me or hiding things from me.. For example, he went out yesterday and bought a dog after i told him that i did not want another dog...  I feel like there is no discussion on things that he just does what he wants and that's that.  I on the other hand consider everyone's feelings involved.  He is always trying to act like we have an endless supply of money.  He likes to impress people.  He says he loves me however i feel when you love someone you take their feelings into consideration.  I am really starting to get fed up with this and I am trying to figure out if i really want to stay in this.  I am tired of feeling like my feelings don't matter.   Every time I say no he pouts like a child and tries to make me feel bad.  He will start to say hurtful things and just be a real butthole.  This just isn't what I had in mind 7 years ago when we got married.  He used to care what I thought.  I am always in a bad mood when he's around because all he does is joke around and say crap when i try talking to him about my feelings.  The dog is not the only thing that is ticking me off.  The man is spoiled beyond belief.  He has a garage full of toys and all kinds of stuff that he wants.  Meanwhile, I get nothing...  I don't even get a one on one date or taken to a movie.  Nothing.  He comes home and expects me to be ready to have sex with him...I'm sorry I'm just going on and on.  if anyone has any advice let me know :)  :)

I'm not exactly sure where to start...but here goes.  My husband and I have been married for 4 years.  We didn't know one another but a couple months before we got married (don't ask what I was thinking!), and I unfortunately didn't know much about him...I knew that he had been married once and had a daughter with his ex-wife though.   About a month after we were married, we found out I was pregnant, which I was excited about.  I started noticing he had a temper, but didn't think about it much.  Then, about 6 months later, I found proof that he had been married yet to another woman AND had a child with her too!  He denied it for months.  I left it alone for awhile.  Then when our son was 7 months old, I found more proof that there were 2 more wives in his past that he lied about, AND another son!!  I had asked him over and over if there was ANTHING else he needed to tell me, and he constantly told me "No, quit f****ing asking me!"  Now, 2 years after that blow-up, I'm finding it hard to love him.  He didn't just betray me once, I allowed him to "come clean" with me 3 times, and every time, it was more lies and more betrayal.  In his mind, I should get over it because it's in the past, but I just can't...I mean come on, instead of me being his 2nd wife, I am his 4th, and there are 2 other children here too!!!!  Plus, we make child support payments each month, which takes away from our sons, which is frustrating!!  Another thing is, that everything about his past, whether it be relationships or family, he tells me I don't understand, but yet he won't tell me anything about it.  I feel like I don't even know the real him.  If we didn't have 2 kids in the middle of all of this, I would have rid myself of him a long time ago, but I'm stuck in this rut.  It's too the point that I don't even like spending time with him at all.  I'm sorry I am rambling, but PLEASE GIVE ADVICE!!!  I'm still young, and I don't want my parents to be disappointed in me, so I have nobody to talk to about this!!  Thanks in advance for any help!!

I don't know if my post will help, but I think you need a reply.  Why have you waited so long when you have had so many doubts?  I understand you being so upset, I would be too if I was to be wed in a week and didn't want to.  If the tables were turned, wouldn't you want him to be honest with you?  I don't think that getting married and "just working through this stuff and find out if the marriage will work or not" is a good idea.  You could be years down the line with children and then it will affect not only you and your husband but your children as well.  If you truly do not want to get married then don't.  Don't worry about everyone and how embarrassing it will be if you decide to postpone the wedding, it is not their lives, it is yours.  When you do get married, don't you want to have good memories and the feeling that you really did marry the right person at the right time?  Hope this helps and I hope that you make a desicion that is true to your heart.

I agree with this post all the way.  Most people think that love will always work out by itself, but it  is work.  I have been married since I was 18, I am now 22 and my husband and I have two wonderful children.  We have been with each other for a total of 6 years now.   When we decided that we wanted to get married some people told us we "were too young", and "you don't know what your getting yourself into".  But you know what?  I didn't care what anyone thought, I knew I loved my husband from the first day I saw him and I knew we would be together forever.  Like I always say," It doesn't matter your age, what matters is your maturity".  I think that we are some of the few respectful, responsible, knowledgable people for our age group. We have had some bumps along the way, but what married couple doesn't?  No marriage is perfect.  I am lucky to be his, as he is lucky to be mine.  I am fortunate that I did find my true love, someone to go through the ups and downs with, someone to be by my side, someone who would do something silly when I am being too serious.  We balance each other and balance is good.