Topic : True Love

You don’t have very good ‘luck’ finding the type of men who have the ability to communicate in a healthy way, do you?! From what you describe, you want to communicate, so you can have a healthy, happy and functional relationship together. On his end, he wants to search around for any bit of evidence to grasp onto and hold against you- even things that are not even in your control, such as your son’s actions. This isn’t fair play! I know that you are in love…..that is, as long as no kids are around….but how healthy is that? Your children are always going to be part of your life, right? Of course they are. I urge you to talk with your fiance NOW, before there is another ‘incident’ that you don’t even know about, before he is upset about something else, and tell him that you want to have a long, healthy, happy relationship with him, and to do that, he has to tell you what is on his mind- he can’t just hold grudges and wait for you to read his mind. If you are afraid this will spark a fight between the two of you…well, isn’t it worth it? You are only telling him your feelings, and there is nothing bad with what you have to say. It sounds as though your fiance has anger, and he is just seeking something, anything, to take it out on- and you are convenient. You can’t continue to allow him to threaten to leave you and cry for him not to go, this gives him more and more power over you. Over time, once you establish this pattern, he will feel that he has you completely under his control, and that isn’t the kind of relationship you want or need. You deserve to be happy and to have healthy, happy children, too. Your children are only children once. Don’t forget that. They deserve to come first.

I don't have much to add to what Jen has already said to you.  I think she is right on.  All I can add is that I understand your conflicted feelings, because at some point, your children will really be gone from the nest and begin their own adult lives, and it may be hard to give up this relationship with your fiance - to put it on the altar of sacrifice in order to appease your sons.  Here is the thing though - from your words - I don't think your 21 yo who temporarily needs to move back in or your 15 1/2 yo son are the problem or being unreasonable or unwilling to try and meet your fiancee's expectations.  I agree with Jen - her basic gist - that your fiancee seems to have unreasonable expectations - and is too hard on your younger son especially.  Your fiancee is being passive/agressive with you on the whole matter.  He needs to realize that all punishment/correction has to come from you.  They should be respectful of him (and you didn't say anything that leads me to believe they have not been), but he has to respect them and your role as their Mom.  Dr. Phil has said it over and over in his shows on blended families - it is up to the biological parent to discipline their children, not the step-parent.  Kids are always going to have a hard time accepting that from what they consider to be an 'outsider', even if they respect him/her. 

Sorry Sue, said I didn't have much to add, then I wrote a bunch.  You will have to decide if your fiancee is trying to fill a role that he shouldn't and if you are willing to put up with that.  If you aren't, tell him so calmly and rationally - no anger because he will just get defensive or go off on the negatives he sees in your parenting skills.  If he won't change and let you be in control of how your sons are disciplined and whether or not they are fulfilling their duties, then maybe you should consider ending this engagement.  If he is that unwilling to be receptive to you and your thoughts, then it is at least possible he is a very controlling person, and that would not be somene you would want to spend a lifetime with.  Best wishes to you and yours Sue, Roxy

Why I believe in love at first sight and true love... when this occurs between two people it occurs when the eyes met.  Something inside says there is a  connection ... you see something familiar in the other person.  

The day I meet my husband of now thirty years.  Four children, two daughter in-laws, and a grandson.

My Anniversary poem to him:

Dazzling intensity of an August afternoon...

Spun sugar clinging to my lips; promoting my tongue to sweep across them tasting the sweetness.  Laughter sounds from my voice as the awareness of the mess I am making registers in my mind.  You turn and our eyes meet; face to face, a divine spark igniting love at first sight.  Fate... eternally orchestrating our life together in the heat of a summers day. 

The connection was within our eyes... Time spent together confirmed we knew.  We committed our lives together to be "life partners" through the better and worst. 

We love, we laugh, we cry, we make each other angry, we rub each others feet at night, we work, we struggle, we dance in the kitchen and we play.  We still look into each other's eyes and recognize life is short and we are glad to have one another to share this life with.