Topic : True Love

This woman has an emotional wall put up which she uses to protect herself from getting hurt again.  She probably doesn't even know how to let people in.  She is scared  and needs to know that that wall she surrounds herself in doesn't work anyway.  Sounds like she should be in therapy to get past her previous abuses and learn how to let that wall down.  She will use your imperfect past as a means to protect herself  and not get too close to you.  I have a feeling that had you not even told her about your past, she would be incapable to get emotionally close to you anyway.  She is afraid of taking risks, fears rejection  and I'm sure this bothers her alot more than it bothers you.  It's easier for her to talk on the phone and probably is a little more open with you than when you are face to face with her.  Basically she is incapable at this time to give you what you want from her.  I can say these things because I have been in her shoes.    When I was dating I enjoyed the conversations and physical contact I had with my boyfriends but I didn't like compliments and when I felt people getting too close to me I backed off and couldn't return the emotions that were expected from me.  I beat myself up all the time about my inability to show my feelings.  It took me many years of therapy and I still struggle with intimacy and I've been married for 10 years!   Bottom line is that she needs help and I don't know how close you are to suggest this to her but you will more than likely never get what you want from her emotionally until she does see a therapist.

P.S.  I hope you are not telling her that she completes you , that is your own responsibility to yourself, you need to be a whole person with or without somebody in your life.  It's too much of a burden  and too much pressure on somebody else to complete another person.

To avoid intimacy, sharing of his feelings, to avoid being close to you.  He can take care of himself with no strings attached.  He doesn't have to talk, tell you he loves you, doesn't have to show affection etc.

Hi all,

Not sure where to post this.  So here goes.  My husband and I are both 36 soon to be 37.  We have no children and also work regular jobs mon-fri and also perform magic shows on weekends. 

I want us to buy a house before we turn 40 as I don't want to be paying a mortgage until we die.  He keeps saying we cannot afford it, ( I know we can) in our own time, etc. He wants everything in black and white but won't go with me to get it and talkt to the person.

The only debt we have now is our car payment. I am tired of living in a 1 BR apartment with no storage left for anything and such and paying 850.00 for rent.  I already have gone to realtors on my own and have done the research, but he never has gone with me.  He says he doesn't have the time.  What gives?

I am happy to an extent with this, but part of me wants more.  I do love him more than anything, but I wish I knew what his problem was with this.  He does have an anxiety disorder and is on medication so that is not a problem.  I don't know if he is scared or what.  Everytime we try and talk about it, we sorta get into an arguement.  I would love some advice form anyone on how to resolve this, or get my husband to really tell me why he doesn't want to do this without coming across as ungrateful?  He says he does, but I wonder....HELP! 

Kelly

You're welcome.  Glad to hear from you again.  I'm sorry however, to hear that there is still no intimacy or connection.  Sounds like that may never be there again, especially as you say d-day is getting close for you.  From all you have said here, I believe that would probably be a positive step for you to take. 

You have also asked a question about men and masturbation and I want to give you my take on that issue.  It absolutely can be what another poster told you - he is using it as a way to stay disconnected from you and not have to say I love you, or be intimate with you, especially if he is spending all or most of his sexual energy in this way as opposed to y'all having sex.  In fact, from what I know of him and your relationship - this sounds like a probable explanation of why your  husband masturbates.  Not all men (and women for that matter) use masturbation just as a means to avoid intimacy though.  Sometimes people simply prefer the quick, no pressure release of masturbation, because there is no pressure to ensure your partner is also pleasured.   There is an element of selfishness to that - but I don't think that is a bad thing - at least when it is an occasional thing and not what is used the majority of the time.  If however, it is used too often and the other partner isn't getting enough real sexual interaction - then there is most likely something deeper going on.  I would advise wives (and husbands) not to be threatened if your partner masturbates from time to time.  It doesn't mean they PREFER it to you - only that it is an option they may choose from time to time.  It can be kind of awkward to actually talk about, but I believe couples should discuss masturbation.  Set boundaries both are comfortable with (for instance, whether or not porn can be part of the process).  I will admit that I used to be very threatened about my husband masturbating - it made me feel inadequate.  Then I came to learn all of the things I have just said and understand how it can simply be one more facet of a healthy sex life. 

Best wishes to ya lotoco as you face d-day.  Let us know how you are doing, when you have time.  Take care, Roxy

I can understand why you want to get started on a mortage - $850/mo to rent is quite alot to be paying when the money isn't an investment. 

I am wondering if the marriage is healthy and happy, other than this issue of you wanting to buy a house and your husband not wanting to.  I am just wondering that, because if he has some doubts about the future of your relationship, it may be possible he is putting off buying a home and the hassles that might create if y'all were not to stay married.  I'm not trying to be negative, and have no idea if there is any truth to that idea - it just occurred to me as a possibility after reading your post. 

How long have you been trying to persuade your husband about purchasing a home?  I'm thinking there is really something more to why he doesn't want to - other than his concerns that y'all can't afford it - since, from what you say, he seems to get defensive when you try to talk about it.  I'm not exactly sure how you can get him to tell you what his reason(s), other than finances, may be without seeming 'ungratefu' or bringing out his defensiveness.  Maybe start a conversation just like that - "I'd like to talk about buying a house again.  I am worried about bringing it up, because I don't want you to think I am not grateful for the life we already share.  I am and I love you more than anything.  It would mean so much to me if we could at least do some research together and find out if a mortgage would be a viable option for us.  Is there something other than our finances that has you concerned about us buying a house?  You can tell me whatever it is - I am ready with an open mind."  You may have already used words like this - just giving you some ideas in case you haven't.  The main thing will be to try to use words that won't cause him to be angry or defensive and let him know how much you care for him and that you have an open mind to listen to whatever he says.  Also let him know you would like to have a paid for home by the time y'all reach retirement age (which I am guessing you want, by one of the things you said).

It sounds like y'all have been very responsible with your finances and credit - if all you have is a car payment (and of course regular utilities) and rent.  If there isn't a large savings account to use for a down payment, there are options.  My husband and I bought our home back in 95, using his veteran's status, to get a VA loan, so we had a minimal down payment.  I believe FHA (Firsttime Homeowners Assoc, I think it stands for) works similarly. 

Best wishes - I hope y'all are able to come to an agreement about this, one way or the other, that you will both be happy with.  :)  Roxy