Topic : True Love

I know there is such a thing as love at first sight but I'm not sure about true love if there is nothing being returned.  I met someone four years ago and I thought he was someone that I could fall in love with.  We acknowledged the attraction we had but we only got together a couple of times and were not completely intimate. He is a 52 year old bachelor.  After each time together, he would have a change of heart the next day and he never gave me an explanation as to why.  This happened a couple of times.  He works in the same building as I do, so I see him on a regular basis.   I have even aksed him straight out  what I did to make him change his mind and that was just about  six months ago but he just put me off, and I was totally humiliated.   I will never approach him again.  There has not been a day go by that I have not thought of him.  I know he does not want to have anything to do with me but it still does not stop me from thinking about him.  Is this love or infatuation?  Can infatuation last for four years?  I have been out with a few other men since my divorce because I know I have to move on, but I can't seem to get past this.  I think the only way I'm going to stop thinking about him is if I meet someone else.  Obviously, he is just not that into me.   True love is not one sided, so this cannot be true love.    I'm hoping I will find true love with someone that actually loves me back.  Life is too short to settle for less.

Hey everybody.

      I know that this is an unusual post for this board, but I'm having the "true love" problem in reverse.  I am somewhat in love with the guy that I cheated on my husband with.  My whole story is posted in the infidelity message board.  We are getting a divorce, but when we do, I'll be left with me, myself, and I.  This is a scary thought considering the kinds of guys that I like to "fall in love" with.  I fear self-destruction seriously.  I know that to be in love with the guy who's probably my baby's daddy is very foolish.  He already has a long-term girlfriend and three daughters.  If nothing else, I don't want to have to help pay the massive child support that will inevitably be required not to mention living with the fact that I will forever be a "homewrecker."  At the same time, however, I cannot get this guy "out of my system."  Whenever we are together, it feels very nice and I simply like his touch - even when we're not, you know, doing stuff.  It's like we are boyfriend and girlfriend when we are together, which isn't very often, but the few times we are together, that's how it feels.  This baby will be placed for adoption, so at least I won't have to see him the rest of my life.  That's a plus.  Anyway, any suggestions will be appreciated.  Thanks.

Tracy

I think a part of maturity is being able to walk away from a relationship that we know isn't healthy for us even though at times it makes us feel good.

I haven't always been the best poster child for self-control. I would always end my affair and I would be able to resist him until he would call me again. I finally had to change my cell phone number and e-mail address. I knew I could be strong as long as he couldn't contact me. All I can say is over time it got easier. He has absolutely no hold over me now.

I know you have probably been told this, but take time for yourself. Don't get into another relationship right away. You don't need a man to make you happy. When you are emotionally ready for a relationship don't settle for someone who is unavailable, you deserve so much better than that! 

Best of luck to you!   

      I was in your wifes position once and what I did was leave my partner. He took anger management  while we were together and that didn't work. we also went to relationship councilling and that didn't work. Than I left him and had no contact with him for 8 months. He realized what he was doing to me and my son once I wasn't their and did angermanagement again. Only this time he knew it was for real and he took it a lot more serious. When I decided to try our relationship again, he was a changed man. He has not abused me mentally, physically, or verbally for over two years now. Untill your wife decides to take it seriously and actually leave you for you to get the help you need, you will probably never stop. I really feel sorry for her and your child, that will probably grow up and continue your behaviour on another woman. Here are some things that we do when things get heated, and they work for us.

- we always sit down when we have an arguement. That way neither one of us feels superior or threatened.

- We have a safe zone. We use or bedroom as the spot to go to if one person feels threatened or exausted. The other person is not aloud in the safe zone while the other is using it. That way you get some time to cool off.

- we discuss one topic at a time. and we never bring up the past.

My husband was emotionally and verbally abusive. We had marraige councelling and individual sessions. We had two little girls who found the yelling difficult to cope with and would 'shut down' alot. I looked at their little faces and decided I did not want them to think this was all they were worth when they grew up. I left my husband; he then said he had started anger management (later on when I told him I did not trust him he revealed  he had only gone to one class!).  The issue is, it is very hard to trust again when you have heard it all before; it really doesn't matter how much you as a wife and mother long for it to be true. There was no reconsiliation between us. I can only suggest; looking at your own health, as in fittness and vitality. I really believe that if the body is truely healthy then the mind can follow. Walk... while the body id busy you breath fresh air and the mind can't help to ponder the big issues. If you have a good relationship with your parents or a sibling (BUT ONLY IF IT IS A GOOD RELATIONSHIP) ask them how you were as a child and teenager, maybe they have a clue into where it all started. I really believe that talking to others really helps but only if you are really honest and prepared to pull your psychi to bits then put it all together again, 'rewire your harddrive'. Try date night on a set night a fourtnight, even just a walk together after dinner.

I know it will take alot of work, trust, love and patience on your part and your wife too; but sad to say probably most of the work will fall on your shoulders I think. I hope you both can give eachother the space to heal and the support to start again. Do it and mean it.

I wish you luck and I hope you both are successful.

I have been married for 3+ years to a beautiful woman and at times it has not been easy on us both, We have come to Europe to live (my wife is Dutch & I am a NZer) which has given us afew more extra situations to try and problem solve. Lately we have had communication problems (well we have been communicating but sometimes not in the most respectful ways toward each other)... I don't want to sound off "what my wife has done wrong & i sit here thinking I am a saint...which I am not, I can be a (so called) quiet typical male".

My upbringing was filled with ... "a fathers past, that hurt his childrens future... alcohol & violence was sometimes the norm to hear at nights where crying yourself to sleep just happened"  communicating was not taught at home to me yet throughout my young adult life I searched for the tools sometimes I listened/observed and gathered what I could from those people whom lived & breathed a loving relationship(s) not only with their partners and family but close friends. This has helped me become a better communicator on a basic level (beyond the grunts & snorts of a typical male hahahaha)

But one sticky situation that has risen is "spirituality"... now my culture is a very spiritual culture & I have en follow basic principles (where others right to follow their own paths are important) however I have since found out my wife said I do not fill a large part of her life which is her spirituality side, becos our views are so different our difference on that level is too big... to the point she asked why she fell in love (don't know at that point if that was in anger)"... I am heart broken & would love to share in her beliefs if only to acknowledge to her it is ok with me what she follows that path but not when my voice & beliefs are believed to be wrong. At the start she found no problems with my own beliefs & asking her to always be open to others beliefs (what we believe to be wrong is from our point of view, others have that right to follow what they believe).

I am at a loss from this point where I am in her life...I don't want to lose her or my own beliefs, my friends range from various religions becos we can be open about that, then why is it so difficult in my relationship to find that middle ground...?

ps: when I asked is finding a spiitual-man her option, her face lit up like a christmas tree... and my heart sunk lower...

I definitely feel your pain.  I was using these boards around 3 years ago, trying to help me to get out of my very abusive marriage.  I have 4 children, and my ex.....yes now he is my ex!!!!!  was very verbally , mentally abusive and a total control freak.  I couldn't do anything....or anything right in his eyes.  I really don't know why I married him, but I did, and I felt as if I had no sense of myself.  I couldn't think for myself, I couldn't do anything with out him having a fit of anger any time.  Every family function was ruined by his actions. 

I'm not here to bash another husband, I am only here to let you know that I've been there.  I never thought I could make it on my own.  I didn't work, I was a stay-at-home mom and he never would let (isn't that nice.....let me) have any money.  Anyway, you should count your blessings, you mentioned that you have children.  They should be your focus.  Remember who you are, and you are a person who deserves the best.  You should never be meant to feel any less of a woman.  If he is as abusive as you say, you should start with counciling, if that is what you want, try to save the marriage.  If you think that it has gone too far and you don't have any love for him anymore, you need to get your children out of a bad environment. 

I did not want my girls ( I have 3 and 1 boy) to grow up and believe that is how men treat women.  To be degraded, insulted and belittled on a daily basis.  My son was going to grow up to be just like his dad, and I would not except that.  It was very hard to get out of the marriage, but now looking back, it is soooooooo worth it.  I have been divorced for 2 years now, and I feel so much better about myself, and my children are in such a better place.  It won't happen unless you allow it to happen.  Do not put up with the abuse any longer.  Would you want your children to be treated as you are being treated?

Your toxic marriage is going to ruin you and your children.  You need to do something, and start now.  You do not deserve this.

From someone who has been there and loving each and every day now..........Four2love

Hello there!! i met that italian guy 2 months ago. we go out everyday when he's in Morroco, when he went back to italy he keep calling everyday and all day long, we talked about everything and nothing, he said he's serious and he wants to marry me, i'd love to but i don't know what to do

the last time he came to Morroco, he bring to me a lot of presents, we had sex, a really good one, you can feel that we're in love, we hang out... The problem is that he's not muslim, my family won't accept him, but he said he's really to be a muslim, so that's nice of him, he's ready to do anything for me.

he wanted to talk to my family now but my mother said no, we don't have to rush things, i've met him just two months ago so it's not enough to marry him, he's upset and he wants to be with me forever

actually, i still continue my studies and i work in a good company so i will have to let my job, my family and everything here to go with him

but he's really nice, he never done something bad to me, he let me do whatever i want

what should i do?