Topic : Breaking Up

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 3 1/2 yrs. At the beginning we were best friends. We have been living together for 2 yrs now. I have also been cheating on him the whole time we have been together with a guy I dated before him. Now this guy that I am cheating with cheated on me when we were dating, but we had not been dating that long so when he cheated on me my attitude was oh well move on. In the mean time he started dating the girl he cheated on me with. I started sleeping with him behind her back and my current boyfriends back as well . At first it was just for get back at her but now I can't stop. This has been going on for 3 yrs. Within the these three years he has gottan married and divorced. I love my boyfriend but i am not in love with him the way I should be. I know that if I break it off with him to be with the other man in my life it will be awful. I know he will not be faithful to me even though he tells me he will. My boyfriend is a great guy any girl would be lucky to have him and he would do anything for me.  I just want to kick myself everyday for what I am doing to him and he has no clue. I talk to the other guy 15 or more times a day we text all day everyday up until I go home.  He makes me laugh  and our sexy life is wonderful. He has such a bad reputation in our town and I know how he is. He tells me everything. When he startes talking to a new woman I know everything about there relationship as he knows every detail of mind.  I can't get up the nerve to break it off with my boyfriend because I don't want to hurt him but at the same time if he were to ever find out what I have been doing it would kill him. And for some stupid reason I can't stop!!! I feel like a awful awful person what am I talking about I am awful!!!! I was married for 7 yrs and my husband cheated on me the whole time we were married which I didn't know until after our seperation and still it hurt now I have turned into him!!!! What is wong with me?????? 

I have been dating this wonderful man for almost a year and a half. He is Firefighter and has his own business so he has very little time. I met him at at time that I was in the midst of seperating from my husband and was upfront and honest with him about everything. Things have been rocky and we have had many a fight where I have always been the mean and nasty one. I have said horrible things to him and accused him of cheating, yet each and every time he has taken me back. Only this time he has said that he is approaching us with caution which is understandable, he has assured me that he is not out looking. I am confused as to if I should put forth any more effort to make it work. I love him and care for him very much and he is well aware of that. My friends tell me that even though he doesn't express it he must care for me also to contiue to put up with me for this long.  

Why do accuse him of cheating?  Has he given you a reason not to trust him?  And why are you mean and nasty to him?  Let's face it, if you are accusing him of things he has not done he will only take it for so long.    And if you continue to be nasty to him and attack his character he will only take it for so long.  Are you sabotaging this relationship knowingly and putting him through some kind of test to see if he's going to stick around or not?  Are you insecure with yourself due to your divorce ?

 

I'm not sure how to answer this as you don't give some important details but if he has done nothing wrong as far as cheating on you .... then maybe you have some unfinished business to take care of on yourself.  Should you continue on the same lines as you have with him then he will tire of the accusations and fighting and eventually call it quits.  Wouldn't you?

 I know alot of had to do with not getting what I wanted from him when I wanted it. I have been pushing him to give me anwers as to where I stand in his life. The fact that I met him on a website doesn't help either. I am comfortable now as far as him not doing anything because he has assured me that he is not out looking for anyone. My main concern is how do I get him to open up to me about how he feels> I want to make things work, but he still ha yet to tell me if he wants to work things out.

He obviously has reservations about your relationship due to your lack of trust in him.  You need to be his safe place to fall, men need that too.  If you are constantly belittling him and yelling at him then why would you expect him to open up to you?  In the past you have asked him about his fidelity and you obviously didn't believe him so you continued  to badger him.  Now that you trust his fidelity and have stopped the accusations it's time to stop pushing him for other answers.  Sit back for a while and just enjoy eachother with no expectations.  Let him feel you out for a while.  The more you push someone the faster they will shut down and run in the other direction.   He'll open up when he is ready, just be friends for now, laugh and have fun.  You two had alot of issues due tp your lack of trust and communication skills.  Be patient and do not revert back to your old ways.

Hi there,

Lately it seems like I have been meeting all my boyfriends and dates on the internet. For some reason it almost feels like that all the good men are more comfortable being on networking sites such as ourlikes.com and what not. I would like to set up my sister on dating sites (to widen the pool of men she knows) but she is too lazy to do it herself. Should I just create a profile for her or would that be a misrepresentation and disservice to her ?

Ok, so here I am in my Mom's basement, writing a story on a Dr. Phil message board. About a very signifigant relationship that went awry, and really shouldn't of. My name is Corey, I'm a 31 year old male and lost someone very special and important in my life. She's a single Mom of a wonderful boy; the type of boy, if you never had a child, and have been a bachelor all your life. You wold wish that if you ever had children that they would be like him. I met Her over the internet, and at that time was in a non-committed dead end relationship with a woman. Needless to say I had a difficult time, getting out of that relationship, and it caused me much grief in the end. Let me say one thing, I've never cheated on anyone before in my life. In fact I was the one to get cheated on in many of my relationships. Things moved on between her and I in our relationship, and things were good enough that she asked me to move in with her and her son. I never realized how profoundly that move would affect me or assist me in being a better man. It was unfortunate that she found evidence that I cheated on her. One day after work, my girlfriend decided to go shopping at the mall and wanted me to meet her there. Unknown to me was that her cell phone had broken down and she decided to use my old cell phone. So while in the mall she found out said evidence on my cell phone and became quite upset over the issue. I at first denied the whole thing. I was scared and my first reaction was to lie and deny it. Which was so wrong of me. Anyhow, moving forward, I finally admitted to the situation and the cheating. All my life, I've had a problem with lying. In my former profession I had to lie with a smile. I never felt good enough as a person in my life, so I would lie to try and make people like me. She, helped me see this problem; she helped me see that I was a good person, and that I didn't have to lie anymore. We started to go to couple's therapy, and for me individual therapy for my own issues. Things were getting better for awhile. Except for two things; I didn't respect myself. I felt that I had to atone for the wrongdoings I did to her. And because I would do everything and anything for her, she lost respect for me. And second, we were assigned "homework" from the therapist, to better our relationship. The unfortunate thing was we didn't do the homework, we wold normally argue or not talk to each other. We were going through the motion and not getting anywhere. Over the next 6 months of our relationship, it became very turbulent. The only way I can explain my relationship at that time is like I was living with someone with multiple personalities. Most of the time, things were great, and I felt like I found the one, that I wanted to grow old with. And then there was the time when she became very angry and violent. She kicked me out about 20 times. She broke my laptop by throwing it, amongst other things of mine. She wold be verbally abusive towards me. She would hit me. I would be alone crying alot, because I knew and still know to this day that there is a lot of good in her. It's that she's troubled and confused because of what I did, and what happened next. At the end of May of this year. Her best friend died of cancer. It wasn't out of the blue & my girlfriend knew that she had it and was watching her live through it. I knew this person too, and she was a good person. I watched her crumble, and become lost and sad. When I would try to comfort her, she would just push me away, and all I wanted was to be there for her. And there were flashes in the pan; where she would cry out for me and want me to hold her while she was sobbing on my arms, and other times she would scream at me to leave her alone, and get on the phone and beg her friends to be able to come over and stay with them, because she didn't want to be with me. Then it all came to a head, and she wanted me to give her some space and move out. I was devistated by this and felt like I lost a part of my soul. But still did her bidding and moved out. From there things got worse. In the first week of me moving out, my ex found out that I was in contact with a friend of mine I used to date; which way before our time, before we even started to date. She accused me of cheating on her with this friend of mine. And accessed my facebook page; where she found out that I was in communication with her. Deleted all my photos, deleted all my emails, and from my page, emailed my friend saying that I had an STD, that her (my girlfriend) and I were still together, That I was a cheater, and to watch out for me, as I seem to hurt people. This, of course was not true. She accused me of going out on dates with other people, when really I was going out with my mom to the movies; if you consider that a hot date. It went so far as her calling up my work and getting me fired with lies that she told them, and the fraud dept. of my former employer investigating me. It's been about two months now since we have broken up and I still miss her every day. Once again, I know that she has done a lot of bad stuff. however, for a ll the bad there is a lot of good. And in my mind it cancels each other out. the reason why we were going to take space from each other was to work things out, from a distance. It went from this, to her never wanting to speak with me a gain, and treating me like I did something wrong. In the span of one month; I lost her, her son, her family which I was extrememly close to. Her friends who now all hate me and I don't know why? My job. And I know that this is a ll a cosmic question and I don't know if it can be answered here. I guess my question is: is how do I get her back? My life hasn't been the same since we've broken up and my world is a lot more greyer, since she and her son haven't been in it. I miss her like I miss air, and I just can't find any relief here without her. Anyone see that movie family man with Nicolas Cage? I'm Nicolas Cage; waking up one day to a family and kids and a life that you never really wanted. Only to find out that living that life, it's become the very thing you want to wake up for in the morning. Then it's ripped away from him, and he's forced to go back to his old life. And all he does want the very thing he loathed. This is me, all I want is my girlfriend who loved me; who talked about the future, and the names of our kids. And her son, who would call me his Step-Dad. I may seem nuts. I assure you I'm not. It's just when something good enters your life, you don't want it ever to go away. Any advice to help me get the good back in my life would be appreciated.

Ok. I am back. lol

 

So my bf and I are on a break....if that is what you call it. He moved back in with him mom about 2 weeks ago. He has also been sleeping over my house when I ask him too. He said we fight too much and I am always negative. So I have changed my attitude completely and now I keep thinking positive and the fighting has stopped. He slept over for the past 2 nights without me asking him to. We have gone about 5 days now without fighting. I am happy again.

 

Now...this is my dilemma (spelling).....everyone is telling me to follow my gut....which is telling me to leave. But my heart is telling me to stay. I spoke with a really good friend and asked her opinion. She said she was in the same spot I am in now. Everyone told her to leave her bf and her gut said to leave......but she stayed cuz her heart said to stay. Now she is engaged. What also made me make my decision was reading on here how people break up with their loved ones and never get over them because they made the mistake in leaving. So I decided to stay. It is hard to stay positive and keep my feelings in, but I love him so much, I am willing to do that.

 

What do you think? Should I have stayed?

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Well, here's my story. Any help or advice, I would really appreciate it....

 

I'm 31 and seperated more than a year. My wife(ex) cheated on me, mainly because of my refusal to deal with my depression. I always thought I could handle it myself and never saw a therapist or got medication.

 

About 2 months ago, after I sold our house and had to move back in with my folks, I started volunteering at my local Animal Protection Society adoption center. I love animals and thought this would be a great thing for me to do. It was there I met who is now my ex-girlfriend. She's 21 and a great girl. I've never thought that age mattered, my parents are 10 years apart and been married for 32 years. We started talking and discovered we had a mutual friend I used to work with. Well, to make it short, we started dating and totally fell for each other. It wasn't too long into the relationship that we told each other we loved each other. I meant it and believed she did too.

 

Everything was going great the first month or so. I had never felt this way about someone in such a short time as I did her. She told me how lucky she was to have found me, she had been in bad relationships before, and how good I was to her. I'm telling you I treated this girl like a queen.

 

Then things started to change. She wouldn't call or email as much ,if ever, like she used to. We weren't seeing each other as much and she was distant. That's when the feelings I carried over from my marriage started to surface. I began to think if she was cheating or would she leave me. Now, I'm one who likes to talk problems out and she was the opposite. So when we talked she told me she was distant because she had put her guard up with me over something that had happened to her in a past relationship. The more I asked about it or offered my help, the more she pushed me away, she just couldn't deal with it or tell me what it was.  I finally told her she never had to tell me about it, just not to push me away.

 

Not long after that my depression just seemed to hit me like a ton of bricks. I was unhappy at work, worrying about my relationship, etc. One day at work I just had to leave, I was in tears. I went to talk to her and told her what was going on and she seemed to understand. That night when I saw her she was just so distant and didn't even want to talk. We finally had a long talk in my car. She said that trying to deal with school, work, and our relationship was too much and she couldn't talk about that one thing and was just so frustrated. I tried to talk things out which made her more upset and she just got out of my car and went inside. I knew when she did that, that it was over.

 

I was really upset and drove around town for over two hours. Then I went and bought a big bottle of Tylenol PM and was going to take the whole bottle. Stupid I know, but that was how bad I felt. I went the next day to see my doctor and was put on Zoloft. It's helping quite a bit.

 

I didn't hear from her for days and finally went to get some stuff I had at her house. She told me she just couldn't handle a relationship right now, but that she still loved me. I had written her a letter telling her that I knew it wouldn't work out right now bu that I still loved her and hoped we could work things out in the future.That was on a Tuesday. Saturday she calls me to check on me. Between the Friday we broke up and the next Saturday I was so depressed and heartbroken. When she called that Saturday to check on me, I felt the best I had in days. She told me that she missed me and cared about me. I decided I was going to tell her how I really felt and thought she would take me back. I went to her work and pulled her outside by her hand. She came right up and put her arms around me and hugged me. I told her that when she called me I realized how much I really loved her and that I would wait for her if I had to. I told her I loved and missed her and she said the same to me. Not long after that I write her a letter telling her how much I care and love her, pretty much pour my heart out to her. I mail it.

 

So, Wednesday comes and I go out to her work to volunteer. She's there and I speak to her but it's different now. She just seems to pretty much ignore me. Doesn't talk much. I do what I have to do and leave.

 

 

Friday comes and it's her last day there, she's starting a new job. I go to volunteer and tell her goodbye. Again she's distant and ignoring me. I have to speak to her first even though she walks right by me. Anyway, before I leave I ask her outside and we go talk. I ask her if she got my letter and she says yed but she didn't read all of it. I tell her I'm sorry how things ended with us and that I would always care for her, etc. She just seemed like she didn't care. I left there feeling worse than when I got there.

 

So, it's been a few days since that happened and I still can't get her off my mind. I wake up thiking about her and fall asleep thinking about her. I know it's over with her but why can't I move on??  I still love her and care about her. I know some of you may say, how can you love someone so quickly?, but I know you can. I just don't understand how someone can say they love and care about you then ignore you.  Can anyone help??