Message Boards

Topic : Breaking Up

Number of Replies: 5114
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:06:14 pm
Author : dataimport
Is it time to end things with your significant other? Or, have you just been handed a relationship pink slip? Share your stories.

As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

August 6, 2009, 10:54 pm CDT

Breaking Up

 
August 8, 2009, 9:38 pm CDT

********WOMEN WHO GET BACK WITH THEIR EX PLEASE READ*********

I'm curious about women who go back to their ex.

I have a friend that she got back with her ex after she left on a vacation with him and their SON.  He had cheated on her, but she felt he was treating her better and decided to get back with him.

I know women have "feelings" for the man, but  is it still a good idea to do something like this?

Do people ever really change?  I hear that people change for that moment and it's only a matter of time before they go back to being who they were before and cheat again. 

Do you think that they could make it or is this something that just doesn't seem to work out?
 
August 9, 2009, 3:57 am CDT

Of course, its possible.

Quote From: tenspeed101

I'm curious about women who go back to their ex.

I have a friend that she got back with her ex after she left on a vacation with him and their SON.  He had cheated on her, but she felt he was treating her better and decided to get back with him.

I know women have "feelings" for the man, but  is it still a good idea to do something like this?

Do people ever really change?  I hear that people change for that moment and it's only a matter of time before they go back to being who they were before and cheat again. 

Do you think that they could make it or is this something that just doesn't seem to work out?

It depended on the reason they broke up. If he cheated on her and she is able to forgive him, and he is able to forgive himself, then of course it can work. It never pays to put our egos before our happiness.

 

Do people change? Yes. If they believe it is something that needs to be changed. But who the person is does not change, its more their choices and actions reflect that of change. Behavior is possible to change. Who we are, its not possible to change but it is possible to work on things that need to be changed, so in fact,yes we can change.

 

I have bumped into exs all the time. Past, present, and if there was anger or fear attached to that relationship, then do not go back because that is how that relationship will be. But if there was respect and admiration, just a change ofheart, then yes, it can work because it ended not due to emotional and /or physical abuse, but due to an outcome of a choice we may have made, and now see, it was not a good choice.

 

If your friend accepts her ex back, tell her to honestly look at why it didn't work. Then see if that will be diferent this time.

 
August 9, 2009, 4:05 am CDT

You need to stop.

Quote From: fireflies84

Hi everyone,

I've been in a relationship with someone for the past year and a half and, for more of the relationship than I'd care to admit, I've been really miserable. I'm 25 years old and I just finished graduate school. I was in a long-distance relationship with him before and then we decided to move so I can finish graduate school. We are supposed to move back to his hometown together soon, and I absolutely don't want to. I want out of the relationship. I want to be on my own, to move somewhere I want to live, and to be happy by myself. He sits around the house and all but refuses to leave because he has body image issues and has gained weight. He has done some pretty terrible things to me, not physical or verbal abuse but other manipulative things, and has some serious problems, like eating disorders and drug abuse.

I feel like I was manipulated into this relationship and I'm too weak or scared to just GET OUT OF IT. We're supposed to move in a month and a half and I can't stand the thought of moving anywhere but away from him. But I can't bring myself to say it! I can't bring myself to have the conversation.

I had gone along with plans to move with him, but now I just can't stand the thought of it. We are fundamentally incompatible people and we need to break up. But he is really dependent on me, and highly emotionally manipulative. He also gets very depressed and self-destructive, and I don't want to be responsible for him hurting himself (he's attempted suicide several times before). He's alienated me from my friends and family.

Please help me!! This relationship makes me miserable and anxious and I can't seem to get out of it. What can I do to get out of this bad situation?

You need to stop trying to figure out "why" this relationship does not work, and start figuring out "why" you are able to stay within a situation that is so torturous.?

 

Why do you feel you should be treated with disrespect? Why do you feel you don't have what it takes to walk away?  Because that is what you have been handed.......but it does not mean it is the hand you have to keep.

 

You have probably been neglected and rejected by some very powerful figures in your young life. The ones that let us know, yes, we are safe....or no, we are in danger.  You have the ability to stay with someone that you know is unhealthy because that is what you feel you deserve, even one more, you are!

 

This is the victim mentality and at one point, it was true, to someone else. But it does not make it true for us! For you.

 

Remember, you deserve to be happy as much as anyone else does. It is your right. You do not need to feel guilty because you found something that is not good for you, and you want to reject it. You know the pain of rejection,  am sure. That is why your tolerance is higher then most. Remember, most people would not stay in the situation that you are in. You need to start thinking like a healthy, functional, self loving person and you will see these things, these people, become less and less in your life, or you just become better at keeping them at arms length.

 
August 9, 2009, 1:58 pm CDT

Breaking Up

Quote From: kimikomine

It depended on the reason they broke up. If he cheated on her and she is able to forgive him, and he is able to forgive himself, then of course it can work. It never pays to put our egos before our happiness.

 

Do people change? Yes. If they believe it is something that needs to be changed. But who the person is does not change, its more their choices and actions reflect that of change. Behavior is possible to change. Who we are, its not possible to change but it is possible to work on things that need to be changed, so in fact,yes we can change.

 

I have bumped into exs all the time. Past, present, and if there was anger or fear attached to that relationship, then do not go back because that is how that relationship will be. But if there was respect and admiration, just a change ofheart, then yes, it can work because it ended not due to emotional and /or physical abuse, but due to an outcome of a choice we may have made, and now see, it was not a good choice.

 

If your friend accepts her ex back, tell her to honestly look at why it didn't work. Then see if that will be diferent this time.

Well, I have to say I can't completely understand your reply, but let me explain why.

The most obvious reason for their break up could have been contributed to him cheating.  Other factors that she once told me were financial problems, lack of communication, stress, etc.  Of course now she went to school.  She might get a good job after she's done with school and he's doing pretty well financially supposedly.  So I would think that those things well help lessen the burden and help them stay "happy".

I don't think ANY relationship that they people try to put back together when the factor for leaving was cheating will NOT have any doubts and fear.  It's not possible that one spouse isn't thinking "is he/she with someone one?", "could they be cheating right now?", etc. 

What makes me wonder about the change is the fact that even though he ALREADY had a son he STILL decided to cheat on her.  As if to say the situation was the same as it is now so what's going to stop him from giving in to temptation?  Is cheating really a "behavior" trait?  Isn't that more of a personality based thing? 

In all honesty, I think my friend is just way too obsessed with the idea of a family.  So obsessed and dependent on the idea that she CONVINCED herself that she is "in love" with him to use it as a reason to go back to him.  One of my friends just says "there's no way that someone just CHANGES a complete 180 like that so soon". "that of course NOW he comes back because he sees it as a convinient situation since she's back in school and doing her thing and he went out to live his life" "that of course he acts great NOW, but in time he will most likely go back to the way he was".  From what I've read and seen I would have to agree because it's just too unlikely for someone to believe they were so spiritually convince when 1) it hasn't been that much time and 2) they are too young to understand how to do something like this.  Some might even say not mature enough to know how to do this.

What do you think?
 
August 10, 2009, 8:32 am CDT

abusive reltionship

  I am 20 years old and am dating a 41 year old man. we have been together for almost 3 years now and have 9 month old daughter and i am 7 months pregnant with our second one.  I love my man to death and would do anything for him. He is very mentally abusive though. He calls me a stupid B****, and says F** you all the time and many other things. Everytime i wear make-up he blows up. He even has hit me even though im pregnant. He thinks just because he hits me in the face that he cant hurt the baby. Everytime i try to leave him I cant. He is my first love and there is times he is so good to me. after we get in a big fight he always makes it up to me and tells me he loves me and acts like nothing ever happened. I just dont know what to do. He said if i leave him then he will take off so he wont have to pay child support. He is a very good father to our daughter. she loves him to death and treats her so good. I dont want her to grow up without a dad. I did, and i told myself i would never let my kids go thru what i did. He has a very good job and makes good money and if I leave there is no way i can take care of my kids by myself. I dont know what to do.
 
August 10, 2009, 12:50 pm CDT

So Confused

Ok, so for 2 years I dated a guy who was a total jerk. He never treated me right, and I ended the relationship about 6 months ago, resulting in a restraining order. During the time I was dating this jerk, I met another man who has been a good friend of mine for almost 3 years now. We have also had feelings for each other since we met, even though its been a long time. There were three times when I was dating "jerk" that I had the oppurtunity to be with this other guy, but I didn't take the oppurtunity, I stayed with the other guy instead.

 

After "jerk" and I broke up, I was single for a short period of time, but then I met this guy who was friends with my brother, and a few of my other friends. We hit it off great, we were really good friends for about 4 months before we started dating, but now we are dating and have been for 3 months. He makes me happy, and he's a good guy. I know he wants to be with me, and I know he cares for me. He does have a bit of a temper, but its not anything serious and he doesn't treat me badly. Lately, my current boyfriend and I have both been experiencing a lot of problems financially, and other things with our friends and family. None of the issues we have, have anything to do with us as a couple, but when we get frustrated with the things in our lives, we tend to get frustrated with eachother.

 

About 1 month ago, my guy friend of 3 yrs starts texting me more and more frequently, saying things like "i miss you," and "i want to hang out too when you're free." Well as we've been talking more and more, he has been more honest about his feelings. Well this guy friend told me upfront a few days ago that he loves me, and that he has been in love with me for 2 1/2 years now. He said I'm the only girl he wants to be with, and he doesn't want to see my fall in love with my boyfriend now, because he doesn't want to wait forever for us to be together.

 

To be honest, I've always had feelings for my friend of 3 yrs, we practically dated. I do love him, he means a lot to me and I care about him. Maybe because we've known eachother for so long, I have thought about marriage with him before. I'm almost positive that him and I would end up engaged if we ever did start dating. The thing is, this guy has changed a bit since we almost dated 2 yrs ago. A lot of the things that we used to have in common, we dont any longer. Of course, deep down, he's still the same guy I've known for 3 yrs, but dating wise, we would have some disagreements.

 

My boyfriend now and I tried talking last weekend about our relationship. Because we had been arguing a lot, and I was stressed out with everything in life ( college, family, bills, work, school, adn then on top of all that, my friend telling me he's in love with me.) I tried talking to my boyfriend about taking a break. I told him since we both have a lot of self issues right now, we should take some time apart to figure them out, and figure out if we can make our relationship work or not. But my boyfriend "does'nt take breaks." He told me if we take a break, then we are broken up for good. Of course that hurt my feelings, and I decided to stay with him. But now, a week after that conversation, I tried talking to him about a break again, and his decision won't budge. He does not want to take a break.

 

My dilemma here is that I care for my boyfriend a lot, and part of me wants to be with him. I'm scared to lose him, if I were to take that break. Part of me wants to try and give my friend a chance, but I don't know if it would work out because of some of the differences we have. And then, part of me just wants to be single. I have been waiting 3 years to have another chance with my friend, and he keeps popping up into my life, which makes me think that this being the 4th time we've had a chance to be together, that I shouldn't let it pass.

 

I am so confused, and have no idea what I want. I can't take time to myself without my current boyfriend never giving me another chance... so I am kind of stuck in the middle. Someone please help!

 
August 11, 2009, 3:03 am CDT

It is very obvious. But will be most difficult.

Quote From: tinkeri3ell99

Ok, so for 2 years I dated a guy who was a total jerk. He never treated me right, and I ended the relationship about 6 months ago, resulting in a restraining order. During the time I was dating this jerk, I met another man who has been a good friend of mine for almost 3 years now. We have also had feelings for each other since we met, even though its been a long time. There were three times when I was dating "jerk" that I had the oppurtunity to be with this other guy, but I didn't take the oppurtunity, I stayed with the other guy instead.

 

After "jerk" and I broke up, I was single for a short period of time, but then I met this guy who was friends with my brother, and a few of my other friends. We hit it off great, we were really good friends for about 4 months before we started dating, but now we are dating and have been for 3 months. He makes me happy, and he's a good guy. I know he wants to be with me, and I know he cares for me. He does have a bit of a temper, but its not anything serious and he doesn't treat me badly. Lately, my current boyfriend and I have both been experiencing a lot of problems financially, and other things with our friends and family. None of the issues we have, have anything to do with us as a couple, but when we get frustrated with the things in our lives, we tend to get frustrated with eachother.

 

About 1 month ago, my guy friend of 3 yrs starts texting me more and more frequently, saying things like "i miss you," and "i want to hang out too when you're free." Well as we've been talking more and more, he has been more honest about his feelings. Well this guy friend told me upfront a few days ago that he loves me, and that he has been in love with me for 2 1/2 years now. He said I'm the only girl he wants to be with, and he doesn't want to see my fall in love with my boyfriend now, because he doesn't want to wait forever for us to be together.

 

To be honest, I've always had feelings for my friend of 3 yrs, we practically dated. I do love him, he means a lot to me and I care about him. Maybe because we've known eachother for so long, I have thought about marriage with him before. I'm almost positive that him and I would end up engaged if we ever did start dating. The thing is, this guy has changed a bit since we almost dated 2 yrs ago. A lot of the things that we used to have in common, we dont any longer. Of course, deep down, he's still the same guy I've known for 3 yrs, but dating wise, we would have some disagreements.

 

My boyfriend now and I tried talking last weekend about our relationship. Because we had been arguing a lot, and I was stressed out with everything in life ( college, family, bills, work, school, adn then on top of all that, my friend telling me he's in love with me.) I tried talking to my boyfriend about taking a break. I told him since we both have a lot of self issues right now, we should take some time apart to figure them out, and figure out if we can make our relationship work or not. But my boyfriend "does'nt take breaks." He told me if we take a break, then we are broken up for good. Of course that hurt my feelings, and I decided to stay with him. But now, a week after that conversation, I tried talking to him about a break again, and his decision won't budge. He does not want to take a break.

 

My dilemma here is that I care for my boyfriend a lot, and part of me wants to be with him. I'm scared to lose him, if I were to take that break. Part of me wants to try and give my friend a chance, but I don't know if it would work out because of some of the differences we have. And then, part of me just wants to be single. I have been waiting 3 years to have another chance with my friend, and he keeps popping up into my life, which makes me think that this being the 4th time we've had a chance to be together, that I shouldn't let it pass.

 

I am so confused, and have no idea what I want. I can't take time to myself without my current boyfriend never giving me another chance... so I am kind of stuck in the middle. Someone please help!

What you need to do is take a break from all of them.

 

Seriously. That is the only honest way you can see how you feel. If you keep going to different people without dealing directly with the problem (and the problem is you) you are going to keep bumping into the same kind of situations, just different people.

 

So what you need to do, and you probably won't because you don't want to let go of of your need to have someone in the backburner at all times, is due to your inability to trust that people will say and do what they say they are going to say and do. Basically a trust issue.

 

So you will manipulate many to fit into the belief that people can't be trusted, by picking guys with tempers, guys that rejected you at one time, guyes that don't respect your feelings . When a person says they want a break and the comeback is "well the break will be forever". That is his pain but it is a truth. Once we move away from someone, the chance of getting them back are much slimmer.

 

If you want to get out of being stuck in the middle. Remove yourself from the center of this. How do you do this? Be honest with what you want and then be brave enough to share that with the people in your life, despite the fact that it may hurt them or ruin your chances of their availability for you when you want it. You want peace???? Create peace. Its that simple, yet difficult. I told you. lol

 
August 15, 2009, 11:13 pm CDT

what to do

I have been friends with this guy for a year now.  I fell for him as soon as i met him.  He has feelings for me too.  I also know his girlfriend, and know that she cheats on him.  Their relationship is on the rocks, on again off again.   He has asked me if she has cheated and i have been less than honest.  I know that if he knew she cheated, he would be done with her, and him and i would finally be together.  Do i tell him??

 
August 17, 2009, 7:20 am CDT

No.

Quote From: jackandsally1

I have been friends with this guy for a year now.  I fell for him as soon as i met him.  He has feelings for me too.  I also know his girlfriend, and know that she cheats on him.  Their relationship is on the rocks, on again off again.   He has asked me if she has cheated and i have been less than honest.  I know that if he knew she cheated, he would be done with her, and him and i would finally be together.  Do i tell him??

Why? Because it is HER job. If he wants to remain with someone he will remain with them. Knowing someone cheated on us does not mean that he will not still feel for her. It will put you in a nasty light. If you really want to tell him the truth, then tell her you are going to tell him first so that you may be able to have the kind of relationship with him that she is giving up. Also a very important thing to remember is this:

IF HE CHEATED ON HER

HE WILL CHEAT ON YOU.

Sorry,it is what it . Why do you spend time with someone that can't be honest???????
 
First | Prev | 506 | 507 | 508 | 509 | 510 | 511 | Next | Last