Topic : Breaking Up

Let me bring you up to speed. I've known this guy for over 6 years. When I met him he was married but getting a divorce. On Christmas Eve he called and told me we had to break it off because he was going to try his marriage again. I was broken hearted and depressed. Then about 3 months later I saw him and he said his marriage was over and we both expressed how much we missed each other. So we started dating again. Things were great but as soon as things got too serious he would run. He would sometimes talk about a girl from 8 years ago that was his high school sweetheart but little did I know he wanted to find her. We were together on Valentines Day in 2004. He was supposed to come over that Friday night which was 5 days away. When he didn't show up I got worried so called his mom. Come to find out he was half way to AK to go get her. He got there and she totally gave him the cold shoulder. (She's also pregnant with someone elses child) They got back to Texas and she hated everything about him. His apartment, job, etc...they never had sex, she would never kiss him, they slept with a pillow between them in bed and he started to get miserable. One month after he brought her back to Texas they got married which was in April and around the middle of May he started coming over to my house. This went on until they split in March of last year. During this time she never worked and they couldn't pay their bills because he couldn't keep a job. They had two apartments and in the process he lost his nice apartment, furniture, vehicle and job. He was about to hit rock bottom. He lost the good job he had when he brought her to Texas. He said she was nothing close to who she was in high school. So last June he came back to me with nothing more than the clothes on his back and I welcomed him with open arms. The first 3 months he was at my house he was still talking to her and said he was confused but lied about many of the calls. Things between us were good but I had a hard time trusting him and he put doubts in my mind by lying. Then finally things got better. For 6 months he didn't work and had no vehicle so I supported him, my son and myself plus he used my vehicle. Granted he watched my son after school so I didn't have to pay afterschool care and most of the time had the house clean. Well towards the end of January I found him a really good job and he always said he would give me half of his paycheck when he got a job. It didn't happen. Last Tuesday he moved out while I was at work. Said he needed time apart so he could figure some things out. Last Wednesday he left a message saying he loved me, wanted to be with me, missed me and that I should not be afraid of him going anywhere that he would be back. In that message he told me to call him the next night so I did. I could tell something in his voice and to make a long story short he told me he wanted to be free and then the truth came out that he had been talking to the ex-wife that he left me for. The one that he said he would never go back to. Said they had only been talking for a few days. Said he loves her more than he'll be able to ever love anyone and they are going to try it again. He said I got him through the breakup with her and that he does love me but that he's going to try it again with her. He said I always bitched at him and in return I told him I had a full plate with work, being a mom, girlfriend, taxi and bread winner. I'm 32 and work in the professional field, he just turned 26 and just now got a job after not working for 6 months but still no vehicle. Not only did he hurt me but he hurt my son. I know Dr. Phil will say I'm crazy but I can't let go. For some reason I still love him and would be very tempted to take him back. I love being in his arms and love having him around. I feel like there is this imaginary rubber band holding us together. Why can't I break away? Why do I still love him? Why would I still want him? We shared a ton of stuff together and had a comfort level that was out of this world. I feel like I will never be able to ever love again because he has my heart. I can't seem to get over this. I've lost weight and sleep and have just been depressed. Many of my friends seem to think he will be back again just as he always has. 

Wow, I would really like to thank you for your encouragement in your words.  I appreciate the confidence.  My boys are my life they are 19, 16, 11, & 8 and I have always told them that my job as their mom is to raise productive men for society, men who would cherish their wives and children and give unconditional love.  They are my biggest fans in my pursuit to become an RN.  Thank you all so much for your help.  I will definitely keep you posted, Court is tomorrow March 1, 2006.  I have a funny feeling he is in the "winners circle", if you know what I mean....The good guy doesn't always win....Oh, but....maybe in the long run they do.  Thanks again...Will let you know how it turned out... 

If he says: "it just happened", it means he "allowed" it to happen because he wanted it. 

If he says: "we were drunk", it means he "allowed" it to happen because he wanted it. (and being drunk is NO excuse). 

If he says: "it didnt mean anything", it means, "YOU" dont mean anything to him or he wouldnt have done it. 

Lose the loser, or you will gain diseases. He was in your home doing this while you were asleep? Come on. What nerve. He has no respect your you, much less himself or the home you share. Get rid of him. 

Do you know where he was when you were taking care of your emergency?  If says he was with a "friend or family", etc, call to see if he was really there.  Are there other times you've brushed off but been concerned about. I was cheated on in my marriage and there were signs everywhere that I chose to ignore.  If there's nothing you can think of, continue to be aware. 

Also, if he chooses to lie, you have no control over it.  He knows that admitting the truth (if he is guilty) will mean your relationship is most likely over.  So, he's hoping this will all go away.  You have to make the choice.   

If you trust him, stay with him.  If you absolutely know he's lying, he won't admit it, but do you want to be with a man you can't trust? 

Sometimes I wish God would give me the gift to read a man's mind;especially when he is being wishy-washy. The point is this...I don't know if I should call him my friend or my man. In fact I don't even know how to think of him. For over a year this  friend and I have been trying to start a relationship that involves childern. He has an son from his first marriage and I have 3 childern. He is a widower and divorcee (twice). I have never been married. For the most part we get along great. We have always had this connection even before we ever started talking. He is a really loving person with a very big heart...but that heart is filled with pain from his previous relationships. We love each other that much is known and we care very deeply for each other. We communicate very well and we function like a team. The difficult is he has committment issues. He keeps telling me that he feels like he is wasting my time, that, he feels he has nothing to offer me and he feels like I don't need him because I have been a single mother for so long....basically as he puts it "holding it down on my own."   He is always telling me that he wishes we would have meet 5 years ago before his second and third marriages.  He tells me that I am everything he has always wanted in a woman but he is affraid to make that  committment because everyone always leaves. He believes that it won't work because of his own personal issues that have caused him to loose so much in the past.  He says that he want's to be with me but he is affraid because he doesn't want to lose again. He is not the average man...he is very emotional. Most men don't like to talk but he does. He doesn't like it when we don't talk about what is going on in our relationship or our own personal lives. He says that his second and third wives told him that he talks too much but I remind him of his first wife (whom passed away). She  never judged him even when he talks about things that are very unusual. She and I have  never made him feel defeated or broken.  

He is very supportive and passionate about life. Yet, sometimes he can be cold and distant. I want to be with him but what do I do about the committment thing?  He would make a good husband because he has matured and understands themistakes he has made. The difficulty comes from getting him to see that he is a good man and a good person. The difficulty comes from getting him past his fears, doubts and emotional baggage. I know he is trying because he is reading "Relationship Rescue" by doctor phil. I didn't make him...he is doing it on his own. How do I get him to see that if we try things will be alright not always perfect but alright? How do I get him past his confussion...so he can see things clearly?