Topic : Breaking Up

 I am 44 years old and have been basically "single" for the past 4 years.  Though I say single, I have been dating a man for the past 3years.  He is a person who I had known as a good friend for many years, though we only has brief interactions until we took our relationship to a more intimate level.  I thought I had died and went to heaven when we got together.  He is smart, attractive, funny, organized, perfect in all ways.  We get along when we are together.
I have never told him of my feelingd for him, I was afraid of him bolting out the door, as I know him well, and I know his past relationships all ended because he doesn't want the full commitment of a serious relationship.  I knew this going in, I thought I could deal with it, and I certainly didn't think I would fall seriously in love with him, knowing that he won't return that sentiment.  I tried to keep it casual, and easy but that fell apart this last weekend.  For reasons that I won't go into to, I finally admitted to him my true feelings.  His reaction is what I expected.  His comments to me is that our relationship is "what it is"  and basically, I got him to concede that in his mind we are "friends with benefits" and he told me he worries that I am wasting my time with him because he doesn't want to keep me from finding someone who shares the same emotions.  So noble of him, so honest..so why does it hurt so much.   You would think at my age, the act of holding on to someone because you can't bare the pain of losing someone one would have diminished some.  For me, it doesn't.  He is the first man since my divorce that I have fell in love with and I don't want to let go. 

I know the answer, but I would like some insight of similiar experiences if there is any.  I just need some strength to do what I know I should do, but can't.

Thanks

 I think you might be on the wrong page.  A good listener is one who doesn't boast about their great fortunes but lends an ear and some empathic advise to those who are hurting.  Your note does not make anyone feel better.  It just makes all of us realize that are life does suck!

I am SO GLAD  you said this- You took the words right out of my mouth and brain-

I have been in a relationship with a young lady for the past year and a half, during our time together we talked numerous times about having a child together and getting married. Well the pregnancy came true, we recently found out that she is 3 months pregnant and now that she is pregnant she refuses to come around and spend the time with me and my girls like we use to do. She calls instead of visiting, she hangs out with friends and family, talk to neighbors everybody else in the world but when it comes to me, she just refuses to come around. When we talk on the phone she acts like she wants to be here in my home with me but when we get on the subject about visiting she refuses and just reply soon and that I am pushing her, well soon has turned into a month and a half so far. I am really getting feed up. Is there something wrong with picture?

You did things backwards. You got pregnant first. What is wrong with people in this country? Try to put yourself inside the mind, heart, and soul of a woman (I know that's hard to do). Do you think she feels good about being pregnant (with a man that already has children) and unmarried?Just ask yourself this, "Would I recommend to my daughters to go out, engage in premarital sex, and get pregnant by a man that already has children." Well if that's not good enough for YOUR DAUGHTERS, why should your girlfriend accept that? What I know about women can barely fill a thimble, but I do know this:

 

When a woman is a little girl she dreams of getting married, having children, and living happily ever after-- IN THAT ORDER! The two of you have turned things upside down. It is a terrible display of lack of respect. My guess is that she recognizes that and is ashamed of herself, and angry at you. You're both culpable.

You should apologize to her and your daughters, and let this young lady know you want to marry her ASAP. You should also let her know that if you have to take an extra job to take care of her while she stays at home and rears your children that you're willing to do it.. Stop stressing and be a man.

 

It just occurred to me as I was about to hit Post: Maybe the baby isn't yours and she's embarrassed and doesn't know how to tell you. Or maybe she wants to have an abortion. I hope neither is the case, but those are possibilities that could explain her recent distance.

Thank you so much for advice, I am currently single and proud i stood up for myself!!! Thanks again

Then why are you here?

Ok so where do i begin on this...Well I am 23 and recently my boyfriend of 2 months broke up with me but its the cirumanstances surrounding the break up that have left me so confused. Ok so My (Ex)Boyfriend is in the us navy, currently stationed out here in california, we met through some friends at a BBQ and things just took off.

Now to understand this sitution my Prior  relationship has had a significant impact on my current one. The relationship prior to this one I was in an extremly  volitile relationship with a man that was very abusive for nearly 2 years. We broke up in May of '05; and since that relationship0 more than a year ago I decieded not to date. That is untill I met this guy, who we will call "John". Now after we met at a memorial day BBQ we became good friends and then around mid-june "john" called me to tell me that he liked me more than just a friend ( and he gave me that entire speech that men give like "I cant imagine my life without you" & "You are so wonderful" those kind of things...) any woman would go weak from all the nice and wonderful things that he said, and sadly I am no differnent! At the beginning things were wonderful, he was call me every night and talk to me about his day (since he lives on base); he would come and spend the weekends with me- of which we would go out, go on dates, dinners ect...Things couldnt have been better.Then when I felt ready to take the relationship to the physical level, things seemed perfect! Things were moving along smoothly, and then he even proposed to marry me in like a year ( its was one of those 'you are perfect and i love you' things ). I seriously thought that my bad luck with guys was over. I mean I have never been treated well or even moderately good by any ex's so I was on cloud nine!

 

That is untill july 23, when after spending the entire weekend with me, "john" went home & then he came back about 2 hours later, of which is when he basically told me its over. However it wasnt in so many words that he auctually said to me its over. He said to me that he wasnt feeling the "connection any more" and that he was really depressed, under alot of stress at work, and that  he "couldnt be in relationship right now" ( he is being transfered in Dec. to virginia beach and we argued over it more than once, I graduated college a week before he leaves, so i told him before not to worry about it and we will see where things are then. However I think that it had something to do with his mood change towards our relationship.) SO instead of breaking up with me he says "WE SHOULD TAKE A BREAK" I mean what does that mean? So then I explained to him that it sounded like he was haveing a midlife crisis and whenever he sorted things out, I would still be there for him because I love him.....So then last week he started calling me and texting me, then Thursday he calls me up wanting to cook me dinner so i agreed. While he was over here he acted like nothing had changed, he then told me on his way out that it was "nice to see me" What does that mean??

 

And now to make matters worse I found out today that I am pregnant. I was raised catholic so I cannot bare the idea of abortion or adoption. I havent told anyone yet because i am scared that "john" & his friends will think that I did this on pourpose to trap him, but i didnt. I know that he is leaving in 4 months, so I dont know what to do ? Do i tell him or not ?? I have no family and no one to turn to can anyone here please help me?? Any advise on what to do???

 

Thanks,

Ana