Topic : Breaking Up

Hi Everyone.. Well Im engaged to me married and I have been living with this guy for almost 5yrs... Well  I just found out that there are some girls , where he works and he has been slapping there butts and they had been slapping his.... My mother works at the same place he does but she couldnt tell me so she told my sister and my sister just told me about it... I am not sure what to do, Do I ask him about it??? Or ?????  Then my mother told my sister that he has it made where he works now... He use to Drive semi but he quit cause he said that he was never home.... I need some advice????

I am new to this but hope I can get some understanding and healthy responses.

I am with a new girlfriend whom I am now with for 6 months now. We knew each other a short time before getting together. Things have grown very quickly in our time together and have come together to love each other in the period of time we `ve spent.

She has been single prior to myself for a year. She was with someone for over 6 years and was engaged to him. It was an unfortunete event that she was misled and cheated on.

This make definitely affect how she is in the future and how she may be in a relatioinship.

I dont know if this is a part of whats affecting us in our relationship.

The problem i am having is we are involved with each other and at a point where she wants space. We have spent a lot of time together and maybe didnt get enough time to ourselves to breathe. I did mention this her during our time together and asked if she was feeling smothered. At the time, she said no. I feel she was but didnt realize it.

I am the type of person when i love someone i always want to be with and am always thinking of them.

We have had some disagreements and have argued over things like having enough affection and other things in the past few months. She had mentioned she was not sure if it was normal in the amount we have had. I agree but think its how we handle it. I dont know if she cares or loves me as much as i think she says or said in the past. Its emotionally devasting cuz shes confused and at one point last week she was going to end things. I have just recently seen a counsellor due to this fact most of all but also other things in my life i need help sorting out.

I have made effort and it clearly shows especially i am so wanting to work things with her.

How do i know if she really loves me? She says she does and said last week when wanting to end things that she still wanted to be there for me. Which was damn confusing cuz in a realationship, i dont see how you can be friends with someone when your in love with them.

I did agree to the space thing when she wanted to terminate things but not 100% space. I cannot let someone go whom I love so much and wanting to help make things work.

How do i get her to indulge in our relationship and get excited about things? is she so resentful for some arguments? i have never ever hit her or called her names and never would. i love her and just want to spend fun times with her. What am i to do? give her space? it hurts so much cuz i want so much of her time and she just wants space. I know i am a one of a kind guy but does she know this? is she holding on to the past? she said it was not cuz of me its cuz of her. i am an amazing person. which left me asking the question why wouldnt you want to be a with an amazing person? i know she is not happy with some of the things in her life. is that what is bugging her? how do i cope through this difficult time. someone please offer some good advice. i really need it and woudl appreciate it.

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Unfortunately you can't read her mind so nobody knows what she is thinking or feeling except her.  Communication is key hear.  She may have been so badly hurt in her past relationship that her fears of getting close and taking risks is effecting your relationship.  Basically, she has an emotional wall put up and is running scared.  If she is asking for space you have no choice but to give it to her and I have a feeling that if you do not  - she will shut you out completely.

This probably has nothing to do with you but everything to do with her and her past.  It's hard to wear your heart on your sleeve when you have been so hurt in the past.  Her emotional baggage will effect all of her relationships with men until she gets help for it. (I've been in her shoes and it's very hard to trust again or to allow yourself to be vulnerable again)  You may be an amazing person but she thought her ex was too - and he hurt her.  The emotional baggage she is carrying around is very hard to get over, she probably doesn't even trust her own instincts anymore.  When she gets too close to somebody she gets scared and starts to run in the other direction.  And guess what, there isn't much you can do about it.  Give her the space she is asking for and if you think she is having this problem, tell her to seek help.  It's like a monkey on your back - you don;t want it there but you don'y know how to get rid of it.

Thanks for your input.  It is much appreciated.

 

 

Is it me that messed up so bad.  Yes we`ve had arguments but I understand what love is and in a loving relationship its how you handle it and come together as a couple to resolve things in the best manner.

 

I am a 25 year old male and confused.  I have a lot of amazing qualities.  Is what she told me an excuse or does she really just need time and she`ll come around.  I am struggling with the idea of knowing that if its meant to be it will happen and things will come around.  I need that relief of knowing its not me or our relationship specifically.  I need that understanding that its the past she has an issue with.

 

I am sure its a combination maybe but how do i know when she said she loved me that she meant it?  She has the strength to move on with the snap of her fingers?  That is very confusing.  When you love someone i always understood you stick with that person and help get things to work. 

 

things with us did not involve me abusing her in any way.  The space thing and sometimes heated arguments but never to a certain point of name calling or hitting or any nonsense like that.

 

What is going on?  I just met this person and was enjoying building a new found loving relationship.  I also came out of a 3 year relationshiip myself and have gotten over it and realized the situation and what happened between us.  I have grown as a person.

 

This new woman in my life makes me want to be a new and better man...for myself....and for her.

 

I cant convince her to love me or be happy with me.  I need that assurance in knowing maybe she`ll realize it and come back to me.  I am just praying that she says how such a fool she is and says a million and one things to me...but me thinking like that could also be destructive.  I am so torn.

 

Please help.  

 

God bless

Yes, you do need to know where you stand but either she is confused  and scared as I mentioned before or she just may not feel as deeply about you as you do about her.  She may just be afraid to tell you and hurt your feelings.    You could be the most wonderful man in the world, good looking, secure financially etc. but  if she just doesn't feel that connection - she will dump you.  Doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with you - she  may just not have that physical and emotional connection for you that is needed to sustain a relationship. 

If you two are meant to be together then it will happen, problem here is that you don't have a crystal ball to know whether or not she is playing you.  If you're looking for assurance or a guarantee that she will come back and you will live happily ever after - you won't get that either.  Let's face it, anytime you are in a relationship with another person  you stand the chance of getting hurt.  For now I would say, be patient and live your life - go out, have fun and if by chance you meet somebody else in the mean time - go with it!  Life is too short to sit around waiting for something that may never happen.

I would walk , sorry run, like hell in the other direction!!!  You have to have dignity and respect for yourself and not be afraid to be alone - rather than to settle for a guy who would continually hurt you because of another woman.  It's definately time for you to jump off this roller coaster ride from hell and find a man who truly deserves and respects you, not to mention one who still has more feelings for the other woman than you.  Why are you settling for second best?  You two have broken up numerous times for a reason, call it a day and move on.  Find a man who treats you well and one that can return your love in return as he obviously is still stuck on his ex.  Walk away from this with disgnity and respect and self esteem knowing that you will never allow people to treat you this way......

I took back a boyfriend that I kicked out in August via restraining order.  I hate to sound superficial, but he's a burden.  He doesn't make much money.  His priority is different than mine.  I pay my bills first than see whats left over to go out and have fun.  He is in over $1,800 in credit card debt and insists on paying the minimum payment.  If I can't pay it off, I don't buy.  When I kicked him out he preferred living in a book store saying he didn't have the money to pay for an apartment.  With affordable housing, assistance with food, utilities, its an excuse... especially when he unpacked 8 weeks ago when he moved back in with me.  He had money for a CD player, clothes, CDs. and a stuffed animal that sings and flaps his hands and legs.  I was like WTH... instead that junk find a roof thats not cardboard.

 

My problem is I felt sorry for him.  I should have stayed foot loose.  I figure I deserve someone who makes equal or a bit more money than I do and has similar priorities to mine.  Between you me and the sun, I don't pay for clothing (except underwear and shoes) or other things, I get a lot for free bidding on Freecycle.org.

 

Dr. Phil, I was going to ask if you ever did a topic on ended relationships..when a relationship is  over uis it worth giving another try or do a titanic --  let it sink and float away...fast!  I did the pro and con list but my lonliness got ahead of me.

Obviously you were lonely and decided to take him back with the assumption that he would change.  People don't change unless they want to, they are who they are.  The number 1 readon why relationships break up is over finances.  Usually one is very good at handling money and the other is not, which seems to be your case.  For starters, money is not everything - hell even millionaires are unhappy!  Some people are very content living off basically nothing, others want more out of life and strive to make more money and secure a  future for themselves.  If his idea of finances do not match yours then you need to weigh in on that subject heavily.  I too can't stand the thought of having a balance on my credit card, my parents raised me well and taught me early on about spending and saving money - not everybody is that disciplined regarding their bills.  If he priorities, values and morals are not similiar to yours then why keep hanging onto this get.  Let him go and move on. 

If you allowed him back into your home because you felt sorry for him than you just learned a very good life lesson.  It's okay to be alone, it's okay to be lonely at times.  Don't ever settle for less than you think you deserve.  Absolutely couples do break up and then get back together again - because they love eachother, respect eachother, admire eachother and actually like eachother etc....    Do you feel this way about him at all????    If you are back with him because you think you can change him or because you found nothing better out there - that was the wrong reason to start this relationship again.

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If she says i m an amazing guy and that she would never forget me cuz im forgettable, how can she not want to be with me?  That is soooo difficult to understand even though i want too cuz i love her.

 

She says i need to work on me and she is not ready to be in a relationship this deep.  Is that mean she is healing?  I asked her if not me then whats wrong with her?  She never gave me an answer.  We have been talking over msn at work which made it difficult.  She hasnt made any real attempt to call me and talk to me.  Leaving me confused again even more.

 

How can i , a guy so willing to give her my love be going through so much pain when i have so much love i want to give her. The love that she deserves.? 

 

someone, anyone?  please help.  pray for me please.

 

god bless.

 

Daniel :)  Ive been trying.