Topic : Breaking Up

He came and got his dog yesterday. He was all mad about it when I told him I couldn't take care of him. When the dog was at my house he was at the lake with his friends when he was suppose to work then look for place for his dog. I asked if he tried to find place and he said he did but couldn't. I just thought it was wrong of him to be going out to the lake having fun when he should be worrying about his dog and if he was going to the lake he should of took his dog with him. Not leave me responsable for him. I work and I don't have time to watch his dog. I have my own dog but he is small and he won't ruin the house. His dog is a big pitt and can't be kept inside, but I can't leave him outside cause of the people I live with. Your so right his dog his problem. It shouldn't be my problem anymore if we are not together. Thanks for your advice I plan on trying to invest in me now. Getting caught up on my debts, getting my hair done or nails, working on a tan. Pamper myself when I couldn't because I was busy helping him. I should of snooped but your right guys leave us sometimes no other options. They act like something is incent when we know it is more. Breaking up hurts but I just got to work on me and spend time with the ones that really love and care about me. Thank you for your help.

You're right on target with your thinking & of course he's pissed because you're not allowing him to tke advantage of you anymore.  You were convienent & it must reall tick him off.  Again that's his problem.  And of course the break up hurts & don't be hard on yourself because you'd been fooled.  The fact of the matter is that we expect others to be like us & you were genuine in your feelings & intentions & you thought he was too.  When we love someone we of course want to help them out when things aren't going right or they need us, we of course want to support them through it.  Users count on that to take advantage & you not being a user wouldn't have expected it because again that's not your motive. There's no shame in realizing "Hey wait a second I've been understanding & understanding & helping & helping & I get nothing in back & then realize his motives aren't the same as yours.  That does hurt & it's the morning of something you thought he was that he *is not*.  It's like a death because it is loss for you.  Oh & remember not to let this completely taint your view of men because not all guys are like that. 

Good for you for investing in you.  I'm proud of you. 

Thank you and your the responses from everyone has helped. I always thought when guys treated girls like that they were just being dumb, but realized it wasn't their fault totally. Some guys make us feel like we are everything to them and love us then we want to be there for them. Show them how much we care like picking something up at the store that they like because we want them to be happy. Then some guys take advantage. I don't know if he tried to take advantage of me. I don't think he was trying to, but he did and acted like I was wrong for being so hurt. My feelings were genuine and I think his were at first. He just thought even though we were done he could still ask me for things. I know his family don't hate me at all. They even think he was being stupid. Its going to be hard for awhile to get over it, but if I work on me and making myself happy again I will make it through this. I am only 22 and I am still young. Maybe it is best that I learn about these things early so I can learn from mistakes. Thank you for being there and your kind words. They truely mean a lot.

I don’t think you are a “weird kid,” you are unique! Your ex-girlfriend’s decision to break up with you was probably very difficult for her. It sounds like she is trying to do the right thing, though. At the age of 15, people rarely meet the person that they will be with forever, and although it is a very romantic thought to be with her forever, it isn’t realistic. Your ex girlfriend is being realistic. My advice to you is to still hang out with her the way that you have been, but tone it down a little. You don’t want her to feel as though she is being stalked; you need to give her space. She broke up with you because she doesn’t want to be in a committed relationship at this point, you’ve got to back off a little and give her time to miss you!

This advice comes from my own experience with my teen daughter. She had a great boyfriend, he was truly special, but she broke up with him because she knew in her heart that sometime down the road, there would be heartbreak. They continue to be really good friends because she let him down by being honest with him, even though it was very hard. If he pursued her really hard, she would have been freaked out by it; that is why I advise you to give her some time. I wish you the best.

jewelst I want to respond here again because as I reread my post to you the other day I thought that perhaps you'd take it in an insulting way as in I think you are just being foolish etc and that's not the case.  I know that you're hurt & yes breaking up is very hard, because all you know is that you love this person & they seemed to have felt the same way & so how could he/she not want to just talk things out until you're both happy in the relationship etc. 

I don't think this man did not have feelings for you or that he was just taking advantage, but that he really did/does care for you & his only way to be able to bring himself to break it off with you is to do it the way her did.  That's why he gave you the line about him "thinking about where you're going & he'd call you" or don't call me I'll call you, because it gave him an easy out of a conversation that he didn't want to just say "I no longer want this relationship.  In an audition they don't normally sit there like American Idol bashing people into tomorrow they're busy people & so they just keep saying "we'll call you" & the person auditioning leaves.  It's much easier & quicker than telling a person they're not right & why etc.  That's not their job to "be nice & teach what you're doing wrong" their job is to find the talent to fill a role.  Your ex-boyfriend doesn't want a huge seen & because he does care if you argue enough he'd cave in & continue dating you, because even though he doesn't want to continue a relationship he doesn't really want to hurt you.  Or perhaps he just doesn't want to see the hurt, because he's got to know you're hurt. I'm not sure what it is that he went through with his kids etc. but this man sounds like he came with a lot of bagage & you were doing most of the "understanding & reassuring".  Perhaps you were both ok with the age difference at the start & yet it was those differences that had him feeling insecure etc.  But whatever it was or is let me just say.  I know this is *very painful* & people do not always understand just how much a breakup really does hurt because they think you'll just move on etc when in reality a break up isn't all that different than a death.  They are both a loss & while I would not *ever* want to minimize the pain of someone loosing a loved one to death but as painful as it is that they're gone there is no contacting & nothing but to face that.  I mean there's no hanging on.  When you break up with someone there is still a phone & the knowledge that the person you're missing so is just at the other side of it!  When you're missing someone so much it hurts the temptation to pick up that phone & call them just to hear them is almost too tempting.  Whether you call or not either thing is painful & this is just a fact.  Except when you go through the pain of not calling & making yourself face it's over you're that much closer to feeling better.  You know it's like any injury at the time it's terrible but the farther you get away from it & it heals the less painfull it becomes.  Does that make sense for you?   You do seem to have the right approach in "one day at a time".  And I understand that right now this is a blurr of raw & sharp emotional pain, but as you have determined you're going to "respect his decision" you want to determine to take care of you too.  You're looking to have things become clearer & I'm not sure that can be right now because the pain is still to fresh & new.  And so I'm not sure you're going to really "get" what I'm going to try to tell you or I don't think you're ready but I'm going to say this anyway.  Here's the answer to one of your mistakes.  I don't believe that when you're figuring out your mistakes you need to know why he felt so insecure because his insecurities are his not yours & you didn't create them.  If he's insecure those are his feelings & you can't make him have them & you can't stop him from having them.  And that isn't to say that if someone you love is suddenly having a midlife of something that they question themselves that you're not going to reassure but you cannot *fix them* that's something that has to come to them in their own time & that they have to do.  You can talk & listen to someone and you can be supportive of them & reassure them, but you cannot make them see.  Just like me sitting here talking to you, I've read what you said & I gave you advice but I cannot just take your pain away & I cannot make you just understand what I'm saying.  I mean you & I both know how much pain you're in & it's just time that's going to take care of that but right now me saying that might not even penetrate the pain & you'll just not really hear that or you'll dismiss it.  That isn't because there's something wrong with you &/or I'm not being critical I'm just saying you're not going to be ready & that's perfectly understandable because like I'd already said the pain is too new.  How can anything be clear for you & how can you get anything right now?  It would be like someone needing to go through physical therapy & yet right at the start of the injury already trying to walk before they even start the therapy.  This is why people are always warning not to get involved with someone when you're on the rebound, because our vision/judgement of things is off & we're more vulnerable to becoming a victim. 

You're probably not going to be ready to hear this either but I think as you're getting to a place where you're feeling a little bit better you want to consider that perhaps you were putting this mans feelings & his needs before yours to the point of completely disregarding your own.  If you were in denial that he was saying he didn't want this relationship anymore perhaps you were so desperate to work on things you didn't realize that feelings for each other were not mutual.  He said he was not able to trust you.  That to me says he "distrusts you which equals he had doubts about you or thought you were going to decieve him."  All because he was retired & you had a job?  I don't think so.  If someone truly loves you they don't doubt your intentions or your honesty.  You didn't doubt him right?  And if they're saying that it's their insecurity that they have as bagage from another prior experience that makes them question you again that is their problem & somthing you're not able to control or fix.  And for this to be their reasoning it would have to be made *very clear* that you'll not allow someone accuse you of deceit or of being anything less than honest.  It's at the start that you're setting the ground rules of what you will & will not accept & to allow someone tosay "I don't trust you" & you to continue to reassure him & them STILL not trust you that is a HUGE sign that whatever the reason this relationship won't work.  You said you did have faults (& who doesn't) but that a lot of what he came back at you with was suppositions of his & well sure they were & when he did you kept defending yourself, but you were still there?  The answer to suppositions of his is *real easy* "Why would you assume the worst of me?  And how can you honestly say you love me if you do think or imagine the worst of me?"  And even the things that he threw back at you that were faults well he's not implying he has no faults is he?  And don't people who love each other normally look past faults?  That's why they say "love is blind" right?" & that is the answer.  And furthermore you don't want a relationship with someone who cannot trust you or with someone who has a low opinion of you.  As you're looking for things to become clearer for you as the pain starts to subside a bit please think about when you are getting involved with someone that you're teaching them how to treat you.  For someone to say "I don't trust you"  the answer is "how dare you?!"  You don't deserve that & you'll not tolerate it period. All the reassuring in the world didn't fix him & yet the entire time he was saying your not trust worthy.  So you're trying reassure & he's tearing you down.  None of what I am saying is meant to be a critical insult to you but just me trying to point out that you have to love & respect yourself for others to love & respect you.  Allowing someone to continually question you on you being faithful is not only disrepectful of the person questioning you but you're being direspectful by allowing it.  You answer to it was to be reassuring & it was never good enough.  In the end the answer is simple he either loves you & trust you or he doesn't but you'll not tolerate someone questioning your integrity & as much as you love him if he cares so little that he does question you he's gotta go. 

Start taking care of yourself & do some things for some self reflection & start buiding yourself up & allowing yourself to see that you deserve better.  This wasn't about age at all but about someone who was in a relationship with you who was continually disrespectful & self centered.  The things that should have told you to toss him to the curb, because you deserve better, that you put aside are the "mistakes" not the things that you're looking for that you think you did that drove him to feeling insecure.  You're allowing him respect for his decision now allow yourself some self respect .  I know this is lenghtly & I'm sorry my biggest fault is I'm too winded lol anyway I hope this has helped a bit.