Quote From: merumsal Hi there.
I'm a 43yo divorced mother of three (27,22,16) and am currently in a 3 1/2 year relationship with the view to marriage. We do not live together - I live with my elderly father and the youngest two of my children.
We've had a few problems in the last few months which have been based on my feeling that the man in my life has become distant - showing little affection, no interest in sex and not wanting to talk about what may be happening to have brought this on.
We decided to set aside a month where we limited the time we spent together, to allow for a little "space" to try and work out our feelings etc. (we normally spend a lot of time with eachother during the day as we work together in his homebased business).
The whole idea was that, we spend time apart regrouping our lives and have certain times where we would hang out as a couple, kind of like dating, and talk about what we had been doing (in regard to the regrouping).
After three weeks I called quits to what we were doing because within that time he became even more distant (not wanting to spend any intimate time together at all) and only wanting to meet for a "coffee" and was guarded in talking about "how things were going" for him.
I found it extremely difficult feeling so emotionally and intimately shut out of his life in this way. I became very tense and guarded on our last "coffee" meeting and I could see that he was becoming frustated at my behaviour so I sugested we go somewhere more private to talk.
We talked and through his frustatration he said that he hadn't had time to think about "us" much and he wasn't even sure he wanted to be in a relationship with me anyway. I was stunned at hearing that. I walked out on him because I didn't quite know what to say and I didn't want to say anything I would be sorry for later.
I didn't hear from him for a week so I decided that I would go to see him and talk things through to either end the relationship or decide whether we were going to work through this patch.
We talked for hours. We talked about working together on being together - it was really wonderful to be relating at such a deep level again.
Today we talked again and he told me that his problem has been that he won't marry my while I still have my children living with me. He doesn't have children of his own and would find it difficult living with me and my family because so much of what happens in "that" household goes against his value system.
Once again, I'm absolutely stunned. We (my children and I) live in what I would call an almost boringly typical parent/child existence. He's never spoken of this before and when we talked about "working things out together" I imagined that part of that would have taken in blending our family (well, my children, him and me).
He wants to keep our relationship going with the view to marry when my brood have all flown the coup.
I understand the difficulties of second marriages with children involved, that's why we didn't rush in to marriage in the first place. We had talked about allowing everybody to get to know eachother slowly to give everyone time to become accustomed to "us"; to build on our relationship during this time and our future (hence working together).
At the moment I find his "offer" unacceptable and I'm quite cranky about the whole thing.
I'm wondering whether I'm just being altogether too emotional, maybe his suggestion is the most logical one and maybe I'm simply taking his rejection of my children all too personally.
I don't know.
If anyone can think of any questions that maybe I should be asking myself - I'd be more than grateful if you would share them because I'm feeling just a little too lost in the forest to think of any right now.
Cheers!
Speaking as a man first time post.....Can I begin by saying, the other person is right. If this guy can't accept now what you’re trying to do, get on with it, leave him and because there is a lot more to life and who knows you may meet someone WHO does care for your children, and you!
"I'm wondering whether I'm just being altogether too emotional, maybe his suggestion is the most logical one and maybe I'm simply taking his rejection of my children all too personally."
Your not. I find we men need a wake up call sometimes and if this guy hasn't woken up and smelt the roses, move over....Your reaction is totally normal and believe me it's not you. He is manipulating your kindness and the children and trying to make his word law. ‘Bugger that mate,’ we say here in New Zealand. Even though I'm a guy I would appreciate what little or all if I had a partner that sounds half as endearing and trying as you are.
Getting on or moving on is the question. Can you?
Finally; "If anyone can think of any questions that maybe I should be asking myself - I'd be more than grateful if you would share them because I'm feeling just a little too lost in the forest to think of any right now."
The only question to ask is of you.
· Do I need this guy?
· Does he love me and MY children?
· Is he playing me for sex and whatever...?
I’m sure your mentally struggling with this and have already said these over and over to yourself. Time to act on it. We men are as I said, not able to discern sometimes the beauty that we should sacrifice. My question is, and this is you, "if I loved you and say my children did leave but for some reason needed me, wanted to come back home, how would you be able to handle this?"
I personally think this guy is selfish and taking HIMSELF into consideration while making out YOU need him. NAh, it’s the other way around. You go for it girl. Get him OUT of there and start to believe in yourself and your kids.
Regards
The Kiwiguy
