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Topic : Communication

Number of Replies: 2186
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:06:47 pm
Author : dataimport
Good communication between partners can make or break a relationship. Share your tips and stories.

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April 16, 2009, 6:46 am CDT

What to do

I am 31, 32 at the end of the year.
For the last year and a half I have been dating an older woman, 41. We have lived together for about half of that.  We get along great, never argue or fight; for the most part it is a perfect relationship.  So what’s wrong...  I have never told her "I love you".  I care deeply for her and alone, here, I can say that I do indeed love her.  The problem is that I don't feel that fiery passion I have felt before.

So what to do?

My brain tells me to suck it up.  For the most part I am happy, that passion that I want may come one day. It's impossible to find that "perfect" relationship.

My heart loans for that cloud 9, IN LOVE, feeling I have felt before.....
 
April 16, 2009, 12:34 pm CDT

Do you not feel passion for her, or in general?

Quote From: midwestmix

I am 31, 32 at the end of the year.
For the last year and a half I have been dating an older woman, 41. We have lived together for about half of that.  We get along great, never argue or fight; for the most part it is a perfect relationship.  So whats wrong...  I have never told her "I love you".  I care deeply for her and alone, here, I can say that I do indeed love her.  The problem is that I don't feel that fiery passion I have felt before.

So what to do?

My brain tells me to suck it up.  For the most part I am happy, that passion that I want may come one day. It's impossible to find that "perfect" relationship.

My heart loans for that cloud 9, IN LOVE, feeling I have felt before.....
Also, what do you think keeps you from loving her? I mean really loving her (which entails telling her so!).  Are you fearful of committment? Do you think if you say you love her, things will change? Did you love her once, only to find that now, you "just don't feel it?".

For the most part, relationships go through stages. Very few do not make it past the first stage, which is the first few years (or depending on how much time you spend together daily). The longer the spurts are int between seeing each other, the longer the love can "supposedly" last. The more time we spend with someone, the quicker the feelings fade........If your heart longs for the cloud 9 feeling, you will unfortunately need to go out and find another lover because love changes from lust, to love, to lust to love, to lust to love, over and over again. It goes up and down all throughout time. Like I said. Not many can get through the times that you are experiencing without regret of some kind, so they look for something else. And that is ok because sometimes we need to feel this more then we need to feel safe and loved unconditionally.  But if you do, remember that in your next fling you will find at some point, the feelings of cloud 9 dissappate....so will you then keep looking for it?? Like I said, its ok if you do because it happens all the time but know that its normal and can even imply you are movng into the stages of real love. Good luck. Kimi


 
April 23, 2009, 4:51 am CDT

What causes men to use silent treatment?

Quote From: cakmke

What causes men to use the silent treatment?  I am not just talking an hour or two or a day to get it together.     I'm talking days, weeks of nothing and I always initiated re contact.  The man I know is 45 years old and I have known him for 4 years.  We dated for the first two and this was a problem then.  We decided to be just friends and continued to talk and see each other as friends.  Six months ago he started treating me more like a girlfriend again: calling all the time, buying me nice expensive gifts, taking me to dinners and on trips...etc.  things that "just friends" usually don't do.  I proceded with caution and it's a good thing I did because an issue came up and again he's silent.  It was three days into it and I finally told him I was disappointed with his behavior and wasn't going to tolerate it. 

Any comments?

I had always wondered the same.  Thought I was the only person who ever experienced this...and with 2 men.  It seems whenever they are confronted and know they are guilty of whatever it is they are faced with, instead of handling the situation, they go silent and yes it seems like we are always the one to end it.  I think because men are problem solvers and like to be the one on top of things, when they don't have the answer they go into their own little world and shut us out looking for a solution or a way out.  When they can't find one they just shut down and choose the route of "solitude" if you will instead of admitting being wrong.  It's not fair to us who like to talk things out but we always end up on the receiving end and end up getting hurt by their actions.  My "husband" does the same and it drives me insane and he knows it too.  I think that is why he does it.  He makes it look like I am the wrong doer and flips the situation to his advantage then stops speaking to me. This is because a man rarely admits to being wrong.  It is the way they were brought up.  A man has a lot of responsibility and expectations so if he feels like he has let you down, this is how he handles it.  But if I do it to him, to prove a point, he really doesn't like it.  But two negatives never make a positive so it's not really the right way to handle this either. 

So I think you did the right thing by proving to him that you wouldn't tolerate his actions.  Maybe he'll wake up and realize that you are not a child and he should stop acting like one!  He gave me the silent treatment just last wk for a few hours but upon coming to bed, broke the silence and for me I guess that was his way of apologizing so I let the rest go.  It was trivial anyway and not worth fighting over.  I just wish men were not like Cave men sometimes or children might be more appropriate.  But that is why Men are from mars and Women are from venus....this statement holds a whole lot of truth.  I just read a book that may be of interest to you...."Secrets about Men Every Woman should Know" by Barbara De Angelis, PhD.  Very interesting book and well worth the read.  I think every woman should read it.  It cracks them wide open and helps us understand why men do the things they do.

 

 
April 24, 2009, 1:59 am CDT

Thanks Kimi

Quote From: kimikomine

But breaks "seem" so final, don't they?

 

Well, your situation can be mended. But the only downfall is neither of you are acting very honest or clear minded.  What you did was not wrong, but not right for someone that is supposedly in a relationship. And what he did is not wrong, but not right clearly reaching out to someone to bandaid the wounds of your relationship, are only going to bring disasterous, to say the least, results.

 

It will take a very clearheaded person to walk in this situation.  I hope you both are mature emotionally enough to be able to do that...but it does not seem like it. :( And that is ok. It is what it is.  My first suggestion to you would be to forgive yourself completely for what you did, not to him, but to yourself as well. YOu created this monster, why??????

 

Why did you cheat on him and when you were afraid it would destroy the trust in your rlsp. or did you not spend too much time worrying about this??? If you can honestly answer that one question, you will be on the road to acceptance and forgiveness for what you have done. Then when you can look yourself in the mirror and know that you have learned the lesson, then you can be in a relationship with someone. Right now, you are not available for an intimate relationship because you are walking around in fear. Good luck.

I feel like there is hope thank you for replying

it feels good that there is someone out there who is willing to listen to what

i have to say!!!!!

 
April 24, 2009, 5:01 am CDT

I am glad that you are searching for truth.

Quote From: arendsml

I feel like there is hope thank you for replying

it feels good that there is someone out there who is willing to listen to what

i have to say!!!!!

I have taken many shortcuts through discomfort, and still do, lol, and the answers are right by us as to what is right and what is wrong. When we choose the wrong, it makes me laugh now as to why I feel so disillusioned and fooled? :)))))       Yet when I choose the right path, although it may seem less exciting and lazy or even uncomfortable? , I feel calm and trust that I took care of myself.

 

I am here for you and I thank you for appreciating me! :)

 
April 26, 2009, 3:56 am CDT

Being able to lie.

Quote From: lovestricken

I had always wondered the same.  Thought I was the only person who ever experienced this...and with 2 men.  It seems whenever they are confronted and know they are guilty of whatever it is they are faced with, instead of handling the situation, they go silent and yes it seems like we are always the one to end it.  I think because men are problem solvers and like to be the one on top of things, when they don't have the answer they go into their own little world and shut us out looking for a solution or a way out.  When they can't find one they just shut down and choose the route of "solitude" if you will instead of admitting being wrong.  It's not fair to us who like to talk things out but we always end up on the receiving end and end up getting hurt by their actions.  My "husband" does the same and it drives me insane and he knows it too.  I think that is why he does it.  He makes it look like I am the wrong doer and flips the situation to his advantage then stops speaking to me. This is because a man rarely admits to being wrong.  It is the way they were brought up.  A man has a lot of responsibility and expectations so if he feels like he has let you down, this is how he handles it.  But if I do it to him, to prove a point, he really doesn't like it.  But two negatives never make a positive so it's not really the right way to handle this either. 

So I think you did the right thing by proving to him that you wouldn't tolerate his actions.  Maybe he'll wake up and realize that you are not a child and he should stop acting like one!  He gave me the silent treatment just last wk for a few hours but upon coming to bed, broke the silence and for me I guess that was his way of apologizing so I let the rest go.  It was trivial anyway and not worth fighting over.  I just wish men were not like Cave men sometimes or children might be more appropriate.  But that is why Men are from mars and Women are from venus....this statement holds a whole lot of truth.  I just read a book that may be of interest to you...."Secrets about Men Every Woman should Know" by Barbara De Angelis, PhD.  Very interesting book and well worth the read.  I think every woman should read it.  It cracks them wide open and helps us understand why men do the things they do.

 

I have come to the conclusion that men, or women that do not talk a lot, have something to hide. When I am asked about something, if I don't know the answer, I stop talking. I don't try to make something up or be creative...I just kind of go blank. I think that is what happens to a lot of men that are confronted by a womans' intellect especially if it is thrown from left field.I used to think men were stupid too because they didn't, couldn't express their feelings. But now I am seeing it as a way of protection and self confidence.  I learned "no" is a complete sentence.

 

I am no longer in a relationship, so communicating is not something I have to deal with. I know now that when I am wrong, I see how difficult it is for me to admit it; thinking we have a control over when someone else is ready to splurge their truth? is like gambling. I have learned in time, good ol' time, everything comes to the surface.  The road of least resistance seems the most exciting to me.

 

Why is it that men cannot admit when they are wrong? Because they are more attached to ego. Thats it. Women have a harder time admitting to being wrong because they are self sacrificing in many aspects. Self abuse seems normal. !

 

My ex used to tell me he wishes he could communicate like the way I was asking. But its like asking a right handed person to become left handed. Maybe with therapy it is possible. :)  Everyone has their own level of where their personal boundaries are. If they are crossed, it is wise to say something. I think most men will tell their women what they want, but they are not listening; or at best the language is spoken but not understood. Men have also not needed women like women needed men. They didn't have to "explain", period.  heh heh.

 

So women got their indepdance, which is a human right, (back), and suddenly wanted to discuss, participate in, organize the family and the functions. Men were not conditioned to be this way with women. I think women and men need to leave each other alone and try to learn to appreciate each for what we really are...........gifts to ourselves.......first.......Kimi

 
April 26, 2009, 3:59 am CDT

Correction......

Women have an "easier" time being brutally honest because they are used to being victimized and self sacrificial little lambs."

 

BTW.....this is just my opinion.  :))))))))))))))

 
April 27, 2009, 12:02 pm CDT

a little brainstorm

Quote From: kimikomine

Women have an "easier" time being brutally honest because they are used to being victimized and self sacrificial little lambs."

 

BTW.....this is just my opinion.  :))))))))))))))

Hey Kimi,
   Any time someone makes a matter of fact statement like this I suspect they are expecting some kind of commentary. So here it goes and I do it with a little levity.
   I mean no offense but my first thought of your statement was me not believing that the statement is necessarily true and it was one of self-pity or self-righteousness.
   It made me think, so I started to brainstorm the idea which means to me thoughts that were not necessarily supported with a logical thought process but were developed out of random bursts of thought. So don't kill the messenger.
   I started with the line "Women have an "easier" time being brutally honest because", and went with the idea that your statement was true with emphasis on the word brutally.
   I first came up with "lack of fear of consequences", and had to giggle to myself. Kind of what an octogenarian might say at the holiday dinner table. The feeling of "what are they going to do to me that hasn't already been done" which I believe is close to your thought, "being victimized and self sacrificial little lambs."
   Next was "because they can". Many people out of programming will back down from a woman that speaks strongly about her convictions and not challenge her for fear of some backlash of biblical proportions.
   Then I thought it might be because women were not honestly listened to until the women's liberation movement of the 60's and 70's. Women had a lot to say and if you didn't listen to them you were one of the dinosaurs that escaped extinction.
   Then I thought that women would be brutally honest if it was to their benefit. It sure doesn't leave much left for the argument. It would insure the last word leaving you in control and leaving the person being told with self doubt and a feeling of unworthiness.
   The last thought came to me that women did not have an easier time being brutally honest. Just that they were more often left in the position that if they were not brutally honest that closure would not be possible, for them or the person they were trying to come to terms with. Which was what made the most sense to me.
   I hope I didn't blow this out of proportion or step on any feelings but that is what I think an enlightening forum is all about. I learn more about myself than I do others when I write these posts.

Talk to you soon,
Twisted Poet
  
 
April 27, 2009, 4:40 pm CDT

Absolutely not blown out...:)

Quote From: twisted_poet

Hey Kimi,
   Any time someone makes a matter of fact statement like this I suspect they are expecting some kind of commentary. So here it goes and I do it with a little levity.
   I mean no offense but my first thought of your statement was me not believing that the statement is necessarily true and it was one of self-pity or self-righteousness.
   It made me think, so I started to brainstorm the idea which means to me thoughts that were not necessarily supported with a logical thought process but were developed out of random bursts of thought. So don't kill the messenger.
   I started with the line "Women have an "easier" time being brutally honest because", and went with the idea that your statement was true with emphasis on the word brutally.
   I first came up with "lack of fear of consequences", and had to giggle to myself. Kind of what an octogenarian might say at the holiday dinner table. The feeling of "what are they going to do to me that hasn't already been done" which I believe is close to your thought, "being victimized and self sacrificial little lambs."
   Next was "because they can". Many people out of programming will back down from a woman that speaks strongly about her convictions and not challenge her for fear of some backlash of biblical proportions.
   Then I thought it might be because women were not honestly listened to until the women's liberation movement of the 60's and 70's. Women had a lot to say and if you didn't listen to them you were one of the dinosaurs that escaped extinction.
   Then I thought that women would be brutally honest if it was to their benefit. It sure doesn't leave much left for the argument. It would insure the last word leaving you in control and leaving the person being told with self doubt and a feeling of unworthiness.
   The last thought came to me that women did not have an easier time being brutally honest. Just that they were more often left in the position that if they were not brutally honest that closure would not be possible, for them or the person they were trying to come to terms with. Which was what made the most sense to me.
   I hope I didn't blow this out of proportion or step on any feelings but that is what I think an enlightening forum is all about. I learn more about myself than I do others when I write these posts.

Talk to you soon,
Twisted Poet
  

Your opinion is appreciated.  And yes, for the most part, this board is also a part of my personal introspection and analysis of my experiences. lol (quietly)

 

I believe fear makes us do things that we would rather do differently. It takes a lot of self introspection to know when something is someone's sh** and when it is ours. I trust that each situation is perfect for both and if both are emotionally able to feel, without fear of rejection , that communication verbally becomes almost obsolete. There is an energy among us that words just don't equal to.

 

Since I have experienced more women being better able at communicating feelings, whereas men are more closed into themselves with their communication verbally, women have an upper hand so to speak when we um, speak.  But I have also experienced how easier it is to remain silent and let others say what they will, do what they will, and not become too attached to it. A very difficult thing to do.

 

Now, to the brutality....heh heh. My experience has been say what I feel, and expect a certain response or reaction and when that doesn't happen, it becomes a wedge, a difference; whereas I think men believe if there is silence, then everything must be ok???? Right?

 

I find people that shut down "all the time" don't share their feelings at all, either way, are hiding behind something much more dangerous then a difference. But possibly narcissism . A brick wall for sure.

 

Anyway, I probably went on too long. Take care.  :)

 

 

 
May 1, 2009, 6:23 am CDT

TERMS OF ENDEARMENT

This post was put in the "New Community" under "Share your thoughts on the New web design". Which speaks volumes about the new web design..Anyway I thought it was well said and that it needs to be shared.

Replied By: zeketurtle on Apr 30, 2009, 5:26PM My wife and I have gone through a lot; failed previous marriages, addiction of the children and
times when we didn't have two nickels to rub together.  through the troubled times of this day's
economy and throughout our thirteen years of marriage we have noticed that the less fortunate
times are the ones that have brought us the closest. We are very considerate of each others
wants and feelings. She becomes more endearing to me as I see the sweetness of her soul
as we take care of each other.
 
I only wish other couples could see their mates as I do through my eyes. There is no blame
game. 

Although I don't wish for the hard times, I look at it as an opportunity to become closer.
So in these hard times of the present day, use them as an opportunity to become more of
a soul mate and enhance your relationship as you become more aware of your mate's
true being.

 anonymous

P.S.
Dr. Phil, I wish you would read this on the air to alert people that there is another beautiful
path to take in troubled times,
 
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