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Topic : Communication

Number of Replies: 2186
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:06:47 pm
Author : dataimport
Good communication between partners can make or break a relationship. Share your tips and stories.

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May 12, 2009, 5:21 am CDT

saying I love you

I'm not sure if this is the right place to be posting this, I just want someone elses imput, so I've been seeing my boyfriend for 2 years and I love him, the only thing that bothers me is he's never said I love you without me saying it first, he doesn't seem to like kissing me, he'll turn his face away sometimes, and the same thing with hugs, he just sort of pulls back from them, I've brought it up a hundred times, if he could please please just kiss/hug/say he loves me without me doing it first and not to turn away or to just tell me what I'm doing wrong that makes him dislike it (he says he 'doesn't not like it') dr phil's said so many times that guys dont get subtlety and you have to use a big red marker, so I've been as clear as clear can be but every time I bring it up he gets annoyed and I end up apologising for harrassing him, I don't understand why he can't just do these few things for me, I've told him he doesn't have to say he loves me if he doesn't, but please tell me so I don't keep saying it and getting my hopes up (he does say it, but only when I say it first, and sometimes he doesn't respond at all, when I asked if he does love me he said 'mm') but I'm confused because hes so generous with gifts, we're both students and he works casually so it's not like he's got money to throw around, so far hes given me an ipod and a dvd player for christmases and a watch and a laptop for birthdays, they're really overwhelming gifts, but why can't he be generous with his affection? It's all I want and he knows this, he knows how much it upsets me when I go to kiss him and he gives me a quick kiss then turns his head away, I dunno if I'm making sense, he's just so stingy with his affection but so generous with the gifts and I feel guilty for asking for the affection
 
May 16, 2009, 2:23 am CDT

Lying

Hi  I am married with 2 boys 10 and 6 and live with a constant liar.  I have no idea where he is or what he is doing every day.  Everything goes along almost normal as long and he is doing what he wants and doesn't have to answer any questions.  There has never been a third party involved, my husband just likes to spend money and be irresponsible.  He always seems to have alot of his own money and we can struggle from day to day.  When I find receipts etc of money he has spent he gets very nasty and resentful, blaming me for all the problems.  Do you have any advice

 
June 7, 2009, 3:58 am CDT

fighting and anger

im a 23 year old and am in a one and a half year relationship. recently things havent been going o well as my partner is no he bes communicaor.

W e ge on fanastic in all other areas of ou relationship but fighting and anger are a big issue. we fight over the littlest thngs and i have to admit i do get angry easy but when it comes to the fights he cant let it go and i can get over it quickly.

Recently we fought over him taking preference to wanting to spend tie with mates than me while i have no problem with this i go angry at the fact he choose mmot to even discuss anything wih me first and to give me two options either stay at his or go home to mine.....

W e then proceeded to get angrier and angrier yelling in the car until we got into his house where he refused to talk about it or speak to me without yelling......... i proceeded to try calm him down but his temper escalated and ended with him giving me a ultimatium i either ge out of his way or its over etc etc

 

i understand i have anger issues of my own but dont ever want to be abused like that again particulaly by the one who supposedly loves me

 

how do i make this right and how can i face him wen we talk.... and also avoid this situation ever again????????

 

 
June 8, 2009, 3:14 am CDT

There is a lot going on here.

Quote From: sevenseconds

I'm not sure if this is the right place to be posting this, I just want someone elses imput, so I've been seeing my boyfriend for 2 years and I love him, the only thing that bothers me is he's never said I love you without me saying it first, he doesn't seem to like kissing me, he'll turn his face away sometimes, and the same thing with hugs, he just sort of pulls back from them, I've brought it up a hundred times, if he could please please just kiss/hug/say he loves me without me doing it first and not to turn away or to just tell me what I'm doing wrong that makes him dislike it (he says he 'doesn't not like it') dr phil's said so many times that guys dont get subtlety and you have to use a big red marker, so I've been as clear as clear can be but every time I bring it up he gets annoyed and I end up apologising for harrassing him, I don't understand why he can't just do these few things for me, I've told him he doesn't have to say he loves me if he doesn't, but please tell me so I don't keep saying it and getting my hopes up (he does say it, but only when I say it first, and sometimes he doesn't respond at all, when I asked if he does love me he said 'mm') but I'm confused because hes so generous with gifts, we're both students and he works casually so it's not like he's got money to throw around, so far hes given me an ipod and a dvd player for christmases and a watch and a laptop for birthdays, they're really overwhelming gifts, but why can't he be generous with his affection? It's all I want and he knows this, he knows how much it upsets me when I go to kiss him and he gives me a quick kiss then turns his head away, I dunno if I'm making sense, he's just so stingy with his affection but so generous with the gifts and I feel guilty for asking for the affection

And in a short form, I will point out a few things that I see being the problem.

 

When a person doesn't say I love you back, it does not mean they don't love you.  When a person moves away when you display moments of affection, a kiss, a squeeze, a wink, beside it being a form of rejection, it could mean they are not comfortable showing actions such as these in public, or they are fearful of showing it because it is very possible that they have been rejected like this themselves in the past, and now have a "power" to do it to other people.

 

I am not sure if you are living with a man that is shallow, empty and superficial, narcissistic or someone that has issues from his childhood that affected him greatly and will need guidance through them.  What do you think?

 

Also, if displays of affection are really important to you, then I suggest you try to find someone more like you. You will never be satisfied with this type of person. Unless you love him that much, more then yourself,  basically, then you will remain and have to accept this in him.  You are both dissatisfied with one another, will either of you be up for the challenge of showing compromise for the sake of the relationship??? Only you know.  Kim

 
June 12, 2009, 6:59 pm CDT

help - I feel anxious and uncertain on what to do..

I will try to keep things short and I am not sure if even writing on a public forum to strangers is the right thing to do however I am anxious and uncertain and maybe "strangers" is who I should turn to for an unbiased opinion/thoughts.

 

I am 42 yrs old. Have a demanding career with animals/people and I have been in a relationship for seven months now and we have been living together for several of those.  I know what you may be thinking..why so soon? and the only way I can answer that question is that all our time was together and we had a depth that I trusted. He is a very open and sincere man, aged 41 with a 13 yr old son who's Mother passed away when he was four (they were not together when she passed away).

 

In saying such; it was a huge life change for me as my kids are adults now and live in a different province so I had the personal freedom to come and go as I pleased (not that I really went anywhere exciting) and now I have most of his son's care due to my BF's work schedules.  (days or evenings).  I took on this responsibility as I love and miss being a parent and the obvious I am in love with my BF.

 

Things started out great with the usual differences.. I.e. his son was failing school yet his Father felt the need to continue/add more sports to his schedule which was totally against my thinking..I was in line of less sports and more school attention; his son receives many many wonderful things from his GrandMother who has helped in raising him yet he carries no work ethic (in other words doesnt have to earn his xbox's, ipods, cell phone, computer, lap tops and the list goes on) and again slightly frustrating as I am trying to help guide him into light chorses (feeding the dogs, cleaning his room etc) and I am not saying that he disagrees with this however something is really really wrong now and I didnt see it coming..

 

So we argue, we have disagreements etc however NEVER in a disrespectful way; no name calling etc..there was some "welll you do this...." sort of reactions" however nothing serious.  I have been very stressed with work and it has tired me and of course caring for his son as well, making sure he has dinner, bed time etc etc etc but last week my Grand Father passed away. I was upset of the loss and upset that I was away from my family (who lives in another province)  which was a Friday and not much was said really on his part and then on saturday my BF went to work as usual and then spent the evening out at his Mothers.. then sunday came along and I expressed that i was going to have a memorial for my Grandfather here at a church perhaps to ease my guilt and hurt of being so far from home and family and him knowing that he took his son out for the day swimming, shopping and then dinner again at his moms and without a call from him. He simply showed up at 8pm at night. I was so hurt by this? is this unrealistic to be? I expressed to him that I needed him emotionally and his response was "what..you wanted me to tell my son that he couldnt go swimming?"....then it just sort of stayed in the frame of things...then he was spending more time at his mothers having dinner etc....he would call and say; Im not in the mood to cook anything so Im just going to stay here because mom invited us to stay for dinner" and i would be thinking "what about me.. I am sitting here with dinner ready for our family .. do i not count?" and i tried to tell him that i felt left out and his response was that it was no big deal and he had a life before me and now does he have to give up his family to appease me? I tried to tell him that was not what i was trying to say at all; I was just trying to tell him how I felt and it back fired :(

 

then, I also always check the history on our computer because his son is 13 after all and has been to some questionable sites in the past and it had been a couple of weeks since i had the time to do that and one night while alone, bored i jumped in and nothing unusual until i saw a site that was for classifieds and when i clicked on it it was for rental units. My bf was looking for a place to live yet I didnt even realize there was anything serious enough to even think things to that point :(

 

I called him on it and he denied it at first but then came clean saying that when we were arguing alot he had a lapse of judgement and now things were fine and he wasnt going anywhere.  I told him how scary it is to know that he was at that point in his feelings and asked him what he wanted and making this work was what he wanted.. GREAT.

 

then all week this week he's never here and always at his mothers.  last night i talked to him about it; calmly, gently always starting with "I feel..." and it went bad.. I asked him why his son has a cell phone when he is never allowed alone and never alone.. who is suppose to call to check in with? and he said it had nothing to do with him and that was between him and his grandmother (because she bought it for him and pays his monthly services) i responded with "what?.. are you not his father? do you not control what he gets, why he gets it? and his response was "whats the big deal.. its not your business or mine" and I responded with " I thought I was his Mother" (step mother of course) and he gave me this disgusting facial expression and firmly said "WHAT!".. omg, my heart sank. I never felt so humilated before.  I felt embarrassing for saying it yet here I am helping him raise him, his son has told me that wants to call me Mom and we have talked of marriage and a family life and now suddenly how dare I refer myself to that) and as I ran to get out of the house to the deck I said "you need to leave.. that was so humilidating" but he didnt .. he came out and all of a sudden it was "im not happy, I think we rushed this, I feel judged as a parent" and I stayed calm and listened to him and his feelings and responded with.. we can fix this. I have heard you and I am sorry i said what i said because I didnt mean it and i dont want  you to leave" and we went to bed; he held me in his arms and we said we loved each other and fell asleep.

 

then today he sounded "off" when he called. Distant "off". I myself did a self inventory today and yes I am accountable and responsible for some failures in our communication and I wrote down "how to meet his needs" which I know I can do.. so his son is home at 3pm with grandmother.  he said he would call me to let me know if they would be delayed.  Shortly after 3 i called him (he goes and works out everyday after work and if he works evenings he works out before he works and his son comes home as grandmother picks him up at school and brings him home and i watch him and care for him while he's at the gym) and anyhow, after 3pm i called and asked where his son was and he responded with "ohhh he's at my Mothers .. i am going to go work out and then see what he wants to do .. he thought he was going to do something with a friend).  okay i replied.  he called again at 4;30pm and said he was on his way to his mothers and i asked him to let me know the plans; he said he would be home either way and i responded with "okay than, if we have to pick your son up (i use his name) afterwards we could go together if you like? he said "sure". 

 

I didnt hear from him again until 6pm.  he was eating dinner and he sounded horrible. "I  am just going to stay at Mom's and take my son and his friend to the gym and we'll be home around 11pm. I think some space for us is needed right now"... I hesitated and then said "okay honey if thats what you need". 

 

now i sit here going WHAT IS WRONG HERE.. how did we go from normal, healthy disagreements some agruments to this?

 

I dont want to lose him. I dont give up like that. I am committed to him and love him and if there is a problem I look to ways to fix it; not run away.. what do i do???

 

ps. he has never been in a live in long term relationship.  he was with one person for four years and after three months of living together it ended.  he has not had any other long term relationship in his life..

 

pss. i have kept names out of this to protect the privacy of my bf and our family.

 
June 16, 2009, 7:17 pm CDT

What to do.........

I am a 44 yr old male that has met a 45 yr old female and she thinks the world of me. Or so she says. I met her back in Feb and things really didn't kick off till March. But there is a twist to everything. The first night we met we talked for about 5 hours about her, her business, her health, and her family. When she left at the end of the night she got up and took my face in her hands and kissed me on the lips telling me she is sure glad she met me. I just let it go as she is a really sexy looking lady and I am your avrage joe. I did send her some flowers on VD day and she was surprised. We had lunch a couple of time and dinner and strated to hang out and she took an intrest in my business and even wanted to learn how to work the lighting controller for the stage lighting. So I showed her and she liked working it. And I took and intrest in her business which is clothing reselliing. And we worked together in my business for sometime. Then one night she said she had a friend coming in to town and wanted to know if I have a problem with him coming to the club. Hey it is a club open to the public who am I to stop who comes in and out. She introduced me to him and told me he was just a friend. I bought it for a while but them things didn't seem right and I had that "gut' feeling that something wasn't right. Well to make a long story short she was datting him but seeing me as a good friend. I could handle that, but she always wanted to kiss me and hug me when we went home at the end of the gig or vist. I was uncomfortable about this and told her she is dating another man and I don't feel this is right and I feel she is leading me on. She told me she is from the south and that this is the "hillbilly" in her and that she calls every one "baby', "sweetheart", "baby cakes", and "sexy" . Sorry I have listen to her talk to other people and the only word I have heard her say is 'honey".

 

Well now to present time. I got a call just before memorial day weekend that this guy dumped her becasue it was to far for him to drive to see her. And she needed a shoulder to cry on and I guess I answered the phone with out looking. She says it is becasue he went back to his ex. I don;t know or care. But now she wants to hang out with me and do things with me all the time. So we talked and she said I need to give her some time and she would like to date me. But right now she need to get rid of this anger she has. I also told her what I want out of life and she understands this. She tells all her friends that I am a very, very, very close friend. I helped pack her house when she thought she was moving and the deal fell through and I unloaded the trucks and helped unpack everything. She tells me she doesn't want to date any one right now.

 

But  a friend of mine showed me a personal she has posted on Yahoo.com, I haven't had a chance to ask her what is going on. But the other day I had to driver her to pick her son up out of jail for a DWI. Her son thanked me but she never said boo. I then was drivng her  the other day some where and she gets this phone call and is talking to this guy is what I pick up on, and she goes off on the guy becasue he starts to ask questions about her and she tells him not now she doesn't  want to date any one right now. But I guess he pushes the issue and she blows up on him, on how I have done more for her than any man she has been married to or dated, That no one is going to make her choose between me or him. That I will always be in her life. And that if I meet some one and start dating them it will hurt her. She even told the guy I was spending the night. No we have not had sex. And it is not that important but I am tired of all the teasing and stuff. I have told her a few time I would love to date her and she tells me to give her more time. Then why does she have a personal on yahoo if she doesn't want to date? And why does she want me around all the time? We have been together every night sence memorial day weekend and she always wants to know when I am going to be there.  She evens drops things like maybe you should just stay here for a while until we get things unpacked and put away. This is the first night i have been to my own home in 2.5 weeks. I can't get her to tell me what is going on and I am tired of investesting all this time on her if all I am going to be is a really good friend. I want a relatiuonship in the future and she can;t answer that. She has even said "what would I do with out you honey" I feel like maybe I should let her find out by not going over there for a few days or even a week. I just feel like I am her "handy man" and some one she can vent too. I am confused.

 
June 17, 2009, 9:27 am CDT

Communication

Quote From: why_why

I am a 44 yr old male that has met a 45 yr old female and she thinks the world of me. Or so she says. I met her back in Feb and things really didn't kick off till March. But there is a twist to everything. The first night we met we talked for about 5 hours about her, her business, her health, and her family. When she left at the end of the night she got up and took my face in her hands and kissed me on the lips telling me she is sure glad she met me. I just let it go as she is a really sexy looking lady and I am your avrage joe. I did send her some flowers on VD day and she was surprised. We had lunch a couple of time and dinner and strated to hang out and she took an intrest in my business and even wanted to learn how to work the lighting controller for the stage lighting. So I showed her and she liked working it. And I took and intrest in her business which is clothing reselliing. And we worked together in my business for sometime. Then one night she said she had a friend coming in to town and wanted to know if I have a problem with him coming to the club. Hey it is a club open to the public who am I to stop who comes in and out. She introduced me to him and told me he was just a friend. I bought it for a while but them things didn't seem right and I had that "gut' feeling that something wasn't right. Well to make a long story short she was datting him but seeing me as a good friend. I could handle that, but she always wanted to kiss me and hug me when we went home at the end of the gig or vist. I was uncomfortable about this and told her she is dating another man and I don't feel this is right and I feel she is leading me on. She told me she is from the south and that this is the "hillbilly" in her and that she calls every one "baby', "sweetheart", "baby cakes", and "sexy" . Sorry I have listen to her talk to other people and the only word I have heard her say is 'honey".

 

Well now to present time. I got a call just before memorial day weekend that this guy dumped her becasue it was to far for him to drive to see her. And she needed a shoulder to cry on and I guess I answered the phone with out looking. She says it is becasue he went back to his ex. I don;t know or care. But now she wants to hang out with me and do things with me all the time. So we talked and she said I need to give her some time and she would like to date me. But right now she need to get rid of this anger she has. I also told her what I want out of life and she understands this. She tells all her friends that I am a very, very, very close friend. I helped pack her house when she thought she was moving and the deal fell through and I unloaded the trucks and helped unpack everything. She tells me she doesn't want to date any one right now.

 

But  a friend of mine showed me a personal she has posted on Yahoo.com, I haven't had a chance to ask her what is going on. But the other day I had to driver her to pick her son up out of jail for a DWI. Her son thanked me but she never said boo. I then was drivng her  the other day some where and she gets this phone call and is talking to this guy is what I pick up on, and she goes off on the guy becasue he starts to ask questions about her and she tells him not now she doesn't  want to date any one right now. But I guess he pushes the issue and she blows up on him, on how I have done more for her than any man she has been married to or dated, That no one is going to make her choose between me or him. That I will always be in her life. And that if I meet some one and start dating them it will hurt her. She even told the guy I was spending the night. No we have not had sex. And it is not that important but I am tired of all the teasing and stuff. I have told her a few time I would love to date her and she tells me to give her more time. Then why does she have a personal on yahoo if she doesn't want to date? And why does she want me around all the time? We have been together every night sence memorial day weekend and she always wants to know when I am going to be there.  She evens drops things like maybe you should just stay here for a while until we get things unpacked and put away. This is the first night i have been to my own home in 2.5 weeks. I can't get her to tell me what is going on and I am tired of investesting all this time on her if all I am going to be is a really good friend. I want a relatiuonship in the future and she can;t answer that. She has even said "what would I do with out you honey" I feel like maybe I should let her find out by not going over there for a few days or even a week. I just feel like I am her "handy man" and some one she can vent too. I am confused.

I came on here to see if anyone responded to my message (which sadly they havent) and I did read through yours.  From a womans perspective it does appear that you are her "crotch" but the interest is not enough to be emotionally available to you. In other words. You are "the friend". You are great to talk too; there for her when she needs you: supports her; encourages her but if a woman does not engage it means that she is not physically attracted to you (doesnt get the high) yet at the same time loves your company and doesnt want to lose that so she gives you enough to stay but she knows in her heart you are not the one but she wont tell you that she will wait for you to end it).

 

if you want to find the depth of her feelings for you call her on it.  BE honest with her about how you feel and that you cannot be her friend anymore because you want more.  Tell her not to call you under any circumstances until she can decide what she wants and thats a relationship with you.

 

ps. mine (my story is above) blew up last night. Almost the same but at a deeper level.  My boyfriend came to me and told me last night that he feels we moved in together to fast and now he wants to back out.  I am stunned and shocked because thats not how he came into this but I have to accept it whether I like it or not; whether I dont want to lose him or not its out of my control, just like how she is acting is out of your control.  The only person you can control is yourself.  STAY TRUE TO YOU.. and if this is hurting then its not right.

 
June 17, 2009, 8:12 pm CDT

Communication

Quote From: shikira88

I came on here to see if anyone responded to my message (which sadly they havent) and I did read through yours.  From a womans perspective it does appear that you are her "crotch" but the interest is not enough to be emotionally available to you. In other words. You are "the friend". You are great to talk too; there for her when she needs you: supports her; encourages her but if a woman does not engage it means that she is not physically attracted to you (doesnt get the high) yet at the same time loves your company and doesnt want to lose that so she gives you enough to stay but she knows in her heart you are not the one but she wont tell you that she will wait for you to end it).

 

if you want to find the depth of her feelings for you call her on it.  BE honest with her about how you feel and that you cannot be her friend anymore because you want more.  Tell her not to call you under any circumstances until she can decide what she wants and thats a relationship with you.

 

ps. mine (my story is above) blew up last night. Almost the same but at a deeper level.  My boyfriend came to me and told me last night that he feels we moved in together to fast and now he wants to back out.  I am stunned and shocked because thats not how he came into this but I have to accept it whether I like it or not; whether I dont want to lose him or not its out of my control, just like how she is acting is out of your control.  The only person you can control is yourself.  STAY TRUE TO YOU.. and if this is hurting then its not right.

I have tried to end a few times with her and she keeps telling me I don't understand what she is going through and to be patience and understanding. When I confronted her on something she got real upset and told me I didn't understand what was going on. I have been honest with there  and she knows what I want and she tells me to be patience and hang in there.So I don;t know all I know i am getting tired and will put an ugly end to it soon and I won't even have a friend but that might be for the best.
 
June 18, 2009, 3:25 am CDT

Been on both sides.

Quote From: why_why

I have tried to end a few times with her and she keeps telling me I don't understand what she is going through and to be patience and understanding. When I confronted her on something she got real upset and told me I didn't understand what was going on. I have been honest with there  and she knows what I want and she tells me to be patience and hang in there.So I don;t know all I know i am getting tired and will put an ugly end to it soon and I won't even have a friend but that might be for the best.

I think we have to remember that we have been on both sides. The rejector and the rejectee. This is the way of love.

 

It is a matter of looking for the best possible mate, sometimes , we lose what could have been a very good relationship because we feel there is something better for us. Sometimes we get dumped on by someone that we believe we want to be with. This is why it is so difficult to find someone. this is why marriage is so popular. It forces people to stay together, either kids, homes, careers, lifestyle, a need to not be alone....

 

When you are living with someone, it is free reign to pick up and leave. When you are friends, there is a boundary/wall, to prevent it from moving to a serious, more committed relationship. In both cases, neither one can bring great results unless there is honesty. And that is very difficult for many.

 

Then we are found standing there with our heads in our hands, wondering, how could this be happening? When it was right there from the beginning but love tends to make a person dilusional. They say being in love is like having an illness.  Now, instead of looking for love, I am finding it from within. I figure if I truly love myself, then I will be someone that others would want to love and their love will be coming from a place of self love as well, so that there is no need to lie or manipulate the relationship in any way.

 

If and when someone decides to leave us, or reject us, it is very important to see that as a gift to us, to remind us that we are the gifts as well, to the right person. To the wrong person, we are nothing but a hinderance. And we really don't need to take it as a personal dig, but more the way in which the universe takes care of us all.

 
June 19, 2009, 7:37 am CDT

Communication

Quote From: kimikomine

I think we have to remember that we have been on both sides. The rejector and the rejectee. This is the way of love.

 

It is a matter of looking for the best possible mate, sometimes , we lose what could have been a very good relationship because we feel there is something better for us. Sometimes we get dumped on by someone that we believe we want to be with. This is why it is so difficult to find someone. this is why marriage is so popular. It forces people to stay together, either kids, homes, careers, lifestyle, a need to not be alone....

 

When you are living with someone, it is free reign to pick up and leave. When you are friends, there is a boundary/wall, to prevent it from moving to a serious, more committed relationship. In both cases, neither one can bring great results unless there is honesty. And that is very difficult for many.

 

Then we are found standing there with our heads in our hands, wondering, how could this be happening? When it was right there from the beginning but love tends to make a person dilusional. They say being in love is like having an illness.  Now, instead of looking for love, I am finding it from within. I figure if I truly love myself, then I will be someone that others would want to love and their love will be coming from a place of self love as well, so that there is no need to lie or manipulate the relationship in any way.

 

If and when someone decides to leave us, or reject us, it is very important to see that as a gift to us, to remind us that we are the gifts as well, to the right person. To the wrong person, we are nothing but a hinderance. And we really don't need to take it as a personal dig, but more the way in which the universe takes care of us all.

Your words have brought me some comfort this morning as I am doing just that..my hands up in the air going WTH IS HAPPENING HERE!!!

 

My boyfriends son has pretty much not been around and I kept getting from my boyfriend that he's just taking some space right now to figure out what he wants and he didnt want to put his son in the middle of it and allow the opportunity for me to "butter his son up" to help influence his decision. I was SHOCKED to hear such a thing and responded to him with "who have you had in your life to think such a thing?".. as an adult I could never image going to a 13yr old and say "okay tell dad this and that.." it broke my heart to think he could think of me in such a way..but it got worse from there.. he went on to tell me that when we had a tiff during our trip to Vegas I made a comment to him "we wouldn't be here if it wasnt for me..".. I DO NOT recall saying that however I took responsibility and responded with "if i did say that it was wrong of me no matter what the topic of the tiff was"( again; i do not remember saying that). 

 

He abrutly explained to me that he was "done" when he heard that because he would not feel like he was less then me and I asked him why he has been harbering this for over two months without coming to me and telling me how that made him feel so I could ask for forgiveness for saying something in the heat of the moment and allow me to reassure him that there was no substance to a statement like that and he did not respond to that. 

 

I went on to try and express to him that people, including myself make mistakes .. say things out of turn and gave an example of "you know how sometimes you lose it with your son and say things like .. You're a retard....you're lazy...you're stupid.. etc...do you not sit back after that and say to yourself "omg i should not have said that.. i said that out of turn and didnt mean it!" and you would want that person (your son) to forgive you because you are human. Now that I think about it those are pretty harsh things to say but I do know that people can get caught up in the moment and it doesnt make them a horrible person.. Perhaps lacking self control in some situations however certainly not evil.

 

In the past week or so he has pretty much been avoiding me and being short with me with the simpilist of questions and I started to notice little things of his were disappearing and at the same time I asked him yesterday if his son knew what he was thinking about (moving out) he said no; he didnt want him involved but last night I asked again and he said "all he knows is that I was thinking about moving out!" so basically everybody knew but me .. he was able to say it to others but me.  To me he was saying "no, i havent decided yet and was leaving me sitting here hanging, worrying, wondering). 

 

I take responsibility for my mistakes however I never crossed the line in my relationship.  I have NEVER lied, was deceitful, unloyal and I have never EVER lost control emotionally with screaming and yelling. NEVER so to me I was sitting back thinking "what is so wrong here other then I have said a few things that clearly was sensitive to him but he never told me how it affected him and he harbered those feelings so every little thing (a dish not put away; a frustration when he would clean his son's room from top to bottom when we were trying to teach his son some responsibility etc) just built and built and built to the point of my original thread when I was humilated when he looked at me with such disgust his face/eyes and his tone of WHAT. when I made the comment "am i not your sons mother".. and my reaction to him saying that was "oh my god you need to leave!".  I didnt mean it.. i didnt want it but its what i said and for that as I told him last night I am punished with losing this relationship because I said something in the heat of the moment"  I have NEVER name called etc.. no way!!! nor has he.. but he makes me feel like I am some phycio because if he says something that hurts me and my voice gets loud its unacceptable (didnt know that but I do now as of last night). 

 

he feels that he should be able to go, do, whatever he wants and not have to answer to anyone.  he told me that if he wants to clean his sons room, buy him whatever he wants, be at his mothers how ever often he wants then I have no right to tell him he shouldn't.

 

so here i am. our first true conflict. Our first true struggle and he is refusing to forgive, refusing to work through it because "what happens if it happens again" feeling (my goddddddddddd you would think I cheated on him or betrayed him from the way he was acting)  which woudl be a deal breaker for me too but all he is saying what it is is I have said some things in the middle of an agrument that were hurtful to him (again; i never knew how much those words I have told you hurt him until now) and we havent agrued in a longgggggggggggggggggggggg time and we have never FOUGHT. Never have we had a screaming match but somehow he's "afraid" because he said he doesnt "trust" people and what happens if he leaves and I destroy all his stuff! OMG.. ARE YOU KIDDING ME.. I responded with "you clearly have been burned in the past that I am not aware of and I have NEVER given you reason to think soemthing like that of me and how hurtful that was to hear".. if you want to leave.. then leave. I love you but I cant force you to love me. leave your key and your stuff will be safe and we can set up a time for you to come and get it and he refused saying he would never do that.

 

then (figure this out)... it all ended with me asking him to forgive me and to give us more time to talk, to commit and work through this and we were laying in bed and i was holding him, crying, carressing him and he made love to me and when we laid next to each other he said "i shouldnt have allowed  you to seduce me like that... I felt sick..I felt embarrassed...and laid next to him thinking "the man i love, the man i live with just told said that to me..

 

am i losing my mind here? am i as you said "blinded by the feeling of love in fear of being alone or is what i have said truly that bad that I am not worthy of his love?

 
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