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Topic : Communication

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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:06:47 pm
Author : dataimport
Good communication between partners can make or break a relationship. Share your tips and stories.

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June 19, 2009, 2:30 pm CDT

Hi there.

Quote From: shikira88

Your words have brought me some comfort this morning as I am doing just that..my hands up in the air going WTH IS HAPPENING HERE!!!

 

My boyfriends son has pretty much not been around and I kept getting from my boyfriend that he's just taking some space right now to figure out what he wants and he didnt want to put his son in the middle of it and allow the opportunity for me to "butter his son up" to help influence his decision. I was SHOCKED to hear such a thing and responded to him with "who have you had in your life to think such a thing?".. as an adult I could never image going to a 13yr old and say "okay tell dad this and that.." it broke my heart to think he could think of me in such a way..but it got worse from there.. he went on to tell me that when we had a tiff during our trip to Vegas I made a comment to him "we wouldn't be here if it wasnt for me..".. I DO NOT recall saying that however I took responsibility and responded with "if i did say that it was wrong of me no matter what the topic of the tiff was"( again; i do not remember saying that). 

 

He abrutly explained to me that he was "done" when he heard that because he would not feel like he was less then me and I asked him why he has been harbering this for over two months without coming to me and telling me how that made him feel so I could ask for forgiveness for saying something in the heat of the moment and allow me to reassure him that there was no substance to a statement like that and he did not respond to that. 

 

I went on to try and express to him that people, including myself make mistakes .. say things out of turn and gave an example of "you know how sometimes you lose it with your son and say things like .. You're a retard....you're lazy...you're stupid.. etc...do you not sit back after that and say to yourself "omg i should not have said that.. i said that out of turn and didnt mean it!" and you would want that person (your son) to forgive you because you are human. Now that I think about it those are pretty harsh things to say but I do know that people can get caught up in the moment and it doesnt make them a horrible person.. Perhaps lacking self control in some situations however certainly not evil.

 

In the past week or so he has pretty much been avoiding me and being short with me with the simpilist of questions and I started to notice little things of his were disappearing and at the same time I asked him yesterday if his son knew what he was thinking about (moving out) he said no; he didnt want him involved but last night I asked again and he said "all he knows is that I was thinking about moving out!" so basically everybody knew but me .. he was able to say it to others but me.  To me he was saying "no, i havent decided yet and was leaving me sitting here hanging, worrying, wondering). 

 

I take responsibility for my mistakes however I never crossed the line in my relationship.  I have NEVER lied, was deceitful, unloyal and I have never EVER lost control emotionally with screaming and yelling. NEVER so to me I was sitting back thinking "what is so wrong here other then I have said a few things that clearly was sensitive to him but he never told me how it affected him and he harbered those feelings so every little thing (a dish not put away; a frustration when he would clean his son's room from top to bottom when we were trying to teach his son some responsibility etc) just built and built and built to the point of my original thread when I was humilated when he looked at me with such disgust his face/eyes and his tone of WHAT. when I made the comment "am i not your sons mother".. and my reaction to him saying that was "oh my god you need to leave!".  I didnt mean it.. i didnt want it but its what i said and for that as I told him last night I am punished with losing this relationship because I said something in the heat of the moment"  I have NEVER name called etc.. no way!!! nor has he.. but he makes me feel like I am some phycio because if he says something that hurts me and my voice gets loud its unacceptable (didnt know that but I do now as of last night). 

 

he feels that he should be able to go, do, whatever he wants and not have to answer to anyone.  he told me that if he wants to clean his sons room, buy him whatever he wants, be at his mothers how ever often he wants then I have no right to tell him he shouldn't.

 

so here i am. our first true conflict. Our first true struggle and he is refusing to forgive, refusing to work through it because "what happens if it happens again" feeling (my goddddddddddd you would think I cheated on him or betrayed him from the way he was acting)  which woudl be a deal breaker for me too but all he is saying what it is is I have said some things in the middle of an agrument that were hurtful to him (again; i never knew how much those words I have told you hurt him until now) and we havent agrued in a longgggggggggggggggggggggg time and we have never FOUGHT. Never have we had a screaming match but somehow he's "afraid" because he said he doesnt "trust" people and what happens if he leaves and I destroy all his stuff! OMG.. ARE YOU KIDDING ME.. I responded with "you clearly have been burned in the past that I am not aware of and I have NEVER given you reason to think soemthing like that of me and how hurtful that was to hear".. if you want to leave.. then leave. I love you but I cant force you to love me. leave your key and your stuff will be safe and we can set up a time for you to come and get it and he refused saying he would never do that.

 

then (figure this out)... it all ended with me asking him to forgive me and to give us more time to talk, to commit and work through this and we were laying in bed and i was holding him, crying, carressing him and he made love to me and when we laid next to each other he said "i shouldnt have allowed  you to seduce me like that... I felt sick..I felt embarrassed...and laid next to him thinking "the man i love, the man i live with just told said that to me..

 

am i losing my mind here? am i as you said "blinded by the feeling of love in fear of being alone or is what i have said truly that bad that I am not worthy of his love?

I read your post and it sure seems you put a lot of thought into this. Unfortunately, this is sometimes to a great disadvantage because rationalizing, analyzing, are only good when two people are trying to work something out. If you understand and you can learn something about yourself through it, then it is not wasted. What I have noticed is when I start spending too much time trying to "figure out" the why's, the hows, the whats, it removed me from what was right in front of me. The truth.

The truth is, you are involved with someone that obviously does not want to , maybe does not know how to , compromise. Even if you never fought, or rarely fight, that could also mean a lot of things were swept under the rug, avoided, denied. Now that something very tangible, obvious, is surfacing, you are finding out that his skills in communication and compromise are not exactly what you thought they were. Sometimes we fall victim to believeing that everyone thinks and feels the way we do. Its just the way it is. We don't mean any harm, but how else could we know how someone else truly feels, unless they tell us? And in good relationships, communication is open and frequent.

I know how you must have felt when you said "you were apologizing" to him, when you didn't really feel you were all to blame. But apologizing is a good thing. It allows forgiveness and understanding. It does not mean the person is going to forgive or understand, though.  I am finding out that in life, we have to do a lot of forgiving and learning compassion and understanding. I am finding most people suffer greatly, even the ones that walk around looking like they are total and complete. Everyone has things that they carry. This is where the compassion comes in.  It doesn't seem like he has compassion. 

His comment about you seducing him could have been said to be funny, but I am sure it did not feel that way. Actually, that was a very abusive thing to say, considering the fragility of your feelings right now. Did he say it in a funny way and can you have possibly been hyper sensitive?  Or do you truly believe it was a cut?  If you believe it was a cut, then you need to let him go. YOu do not deserve to treated abusively.  But you also need to look at his side...where he is coming from.

I never fought with my husband. Well, I tried to argue with him but he would either bolt out the door or just sit there and make me feel like I was the crazy one for trying to work things out. The only times he actually started fighting back was when I was talking about leaving. Once I start talking about leaving, I am probably going to. I am sure he knew that and fighting was his last resort. Arguing is good for a relationship. I don't know why people think it is such a bad thing. Arguing is an opportunity to get closer, yet it seems to bring people further apart. Because they are afraid of their feelings and emotions and are afraid of possibly changing something that has become a "pattern" for so long.

In answer to your question: No . I do not think you are going crazy. But I do think you are going to feel like you are going crazy because you are not looking at your reality. When you accept your reality, you will be able to make better decisions. Also, could you be blinded by love? Yes. Love has made many people sick. Look at all the love songs?  I believe loving someone is a gift, to us. Look at the fact that you love him so deeply and are so willing to forgive and forget and move on. Your love runs deep. Put that love back to you because when someone does not give us the love that we want or need, it is crucial to be able to turn it back to us...love ourselves, take ourselves seriously, yet also know when its time to laugh at ourselves as well.

Actually, I find myself laughing at myself a lot more these days.  I know you are struggling. Try to let go of whatever control "you may think you have over this" and accept "that you have no control at all". Then sit back and watch. I think you will be surprised. Kimi
 
June 20, 2009, 11:10 am CDT

Sticky situtation

There wasn't really an appropriate forum to stick this in, so here I am. I came to this site because my father just love's Dr. Phil's approach to life and I'm in a situation where there really isn't any sage advice to be found. Here goes:

My best friend is a man, I am a woman. We're both 29. We met because of a rock climbing gym he started, and over time, I've become partners with him on the gym. He also runs an event production company that, by nature of our working relationship and friendship, I tend to help him helm when it gets to be too much for one person. We have a wonderful relationship with good communication, productive disagreement skills, and truly unconditional love and support. I always thought to myself, "Ha ha! Here we have a successful platonic opposite-sex relationship!" He's been in a relationship with a woman for two years who recently moved away to pursue a different life and broke up with him. I have managed to stay single most of the time I've known him (about six years).

I think part of the reason we were solidly platonic is that he is Orthodox Jewish. I am partly Jewish, but raised Catholic, and don't avow to anything anymore. Having Orthodox family meant I knew what I would be getting into if I tried anything and did not. I've watched his relationships come and go, with that being a major issue (we live somewhere where is probably the only practicing Jew in town) for him. The difference lately is that as he's needed more support, and I've always been a fan of theology and such, I've helped him celebrate his religion, and it's opened my heart to it more than in the past. I don't know that he knows that, but it's there.

So, anyway, once he was single again, I started to notice him flirting with me and spending more time leaning on me. Because I love him absolutely and he has always been there for me, I supported him as much as I could, but in turn, it's gotten to a point where we are inseparable. He is at my house every night for dinner, stays late, then goes home. We have all the same interests/hobbies/values/life goals, so it's very simple and easy to have this inseparable thing going on.

Of course, over time I started to realize that our dynamic had shifted and took about a month to process it to the point where I realized that neither one of us is emotionally available for any other person, and because our lives are so intertwined at this point (not a bad thing, I think), we either needed to try on a relationship or I needed a lot more space (which is sad, as he's my best friend, but you get the picture).

I finally got the courage up to tell him this last week, and he looked pretty shocked. There've been plenty of people suggesting that we were together so for him to not have processed the ramifications of that was a little intereesting to me (he's a self-aware guy), but I basically told him what I have told you. No mention of my personal feelings, but just that. I told him he didn't have to have a response right away, but he did need to think about it, because I spent a month trying to figure out where I stand and had lost sleep over it. Finally, he told me, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." To which I said, "That's fine, but please think about how to handle this" and left him.

Now thinking that was the end of our bestfriendship, I was pretty sad the next day, until he couldn't stay away from me (he calls four or five times a day - sometimes personal, sometime business, and usually drops by), and he came by, followed me into my room and said, "About last night, I don't think we should try, because things could blow up." I just told him to keep thinking, and then he started telling me about all the little nuances of his day and seemed like he wanted to hang around for dinner, but the invite was not extended.

And then . . . that was that. It's as if I never had the conversation with him. He's finding ways to be over here as much as possible, and when he finds out I am doing something, he whines a little about wanting to do it, too. I am actively trying to deinvest, and he's just staying as it is. I don't know whether to give him more time to ponder, readress the issue, or what.

Historically, I've never had the courage to bring up things like this, so it was difficult the first time. This guy is the best man I know and I don't regret the investment of time and emotion I've put into him, but he has jokingly told people that we are "platonic life partners" which is something I never signed up for. Both of us want kids and a spouse one day (and sooner, rather than later) and platonic life partnership precludes that if we ever want a similar relationship with someone else, I think.

So what say you? Thanks for reading.
 
June 20, 2009, 8:40 pm CDT

Communication

Quote From: kimikomine

I read your post and it sure seems you put a lot of thought into this. Unfortunately, this is sometimes to a great disadvantage because rationalizing, analyzing, are only good when two people are trying to work something out. If you understand and you can learn something about yourself through it, then it is not wasted. What I have noticed is when I start spending too much time trying to "figure out" the why's, the hows, the whats, it removed me from what was right in front of me. The truth.

The truth is, you are involved with someone that obviously does not want to , maybe does not know how to , compromise. Even if you never fought, or rarely fight, that could also mean a lot of things were swept under the rug, avoided, denied. Now that something very tangible, obvious, is surfacing, you are finding out that his skills in communication and compromise are not exactly what you thought they were. Sometimes we fall victim to believeing that everyone thinks and feels the way we do. Its just the way it is. We don't mean any harm, but how else could we know how someone else truly feels, unless they tell us? And in good relationships, communication is open and frequent.

I know how you must have felt when you said "you were apologizing" to him, when you didn't really feel you were all to blame. But apologizing is a good thing. It allows forgiveness and understanding. It does not mean the person is going to forgive or understand, though.  I am finding out that in life, we have to do a lot of forgiving and learning compassion and understanding. I am finding most people suffer greatly, even the ones that walk around looking like they are total and complete. Everyone has things that they carry. This is where the compassion comes in.  It doesn't seem like he has compassion. 

His comment about you seducing him could have been said to be funny, but I am sure it did not feel that way. Actually, that was a very abusive thing to say, considering the fragility of your feelings right now. Did he say it in a funny way and can you have possibly been hyper sensitive?  Or do you truly believe it was a cut?  If you believe it was a cut, then you need to let him go. YOu do not deserve to treated abusively.  But you also need to look at his side...where he is coming from.

I never fought with my husband. Well, I tried to argue with him but he would either bolt out the door or just sit there and make me feel like I was the crazy one for trying to work things out. The only times he actually started fighting back was when I was talking about leaving. Once I start talking about leaving, I am probably going to. I am sure he knew that and fighting was his last resort. Arguing is good for a relationship. I don't know why people think it is such a bad thing. Arguing is an opportunity to get closer, yet it seems to bring people further apart. Because they are afraid of their feelings and emotions and are afraid of possibly changing something that has become a "pattern" for so long.

In answer to your question: No . I do not think you are going crazy. But I do think you are going to feel like you are going crazy because you are not looking at your reality. When you accept your reality, you will be able to make better decisions. Also, could you be blinded by love? Yes. Love has made many people sick. Look at all the love songs?  I believe loving someone is a gift, to us. Look at the fact that you love him so deeply and are so willing to forgive and forget and move on. Your love runs deep. Put that love back to you because when someone does not give us the love that we want or need, it is crucial to be able to turn it back to us...love ourselves, take ourselves seriously, yet also know when its time to laugh at ourselves as well.

Actually, I find myself laughing at myself a lot more these days.  I know you are struggling. Try to let go of whatever control "you may think you have over this" and accept "that you have no control at all". Then sit back and watch. I think you will be surprised. Kimi

Iwill start with "I cannot breathe" my heart is at the bottom of my foot and my thinking process right now is purely "knumb" from all the crying today.

 

To answer your question of "Did he say it in a funny way and can you have possibly been hyper sensitive? the answer is No unfortunately. It was a 100% humiliating cut.  It worsens from there.  he rose yesterday morning early to help friends move.  He said he would be home for dinner.  Before he left "I" talked to him about forgiveness and communication and offered us more time to see if this feeling of him wanting to leave could be resolved by finding the real issues and I said "take a couple of days to think about it.. you know how I feel and what I need and we will come back to the table with that.  He said "okay".

 

I didnt hear from him around dinner time so I called his cell and there was a voicemail. Ummmm he's never had voice mail on his phone since the day I met him so that surprised me.  Needless to say he didnt call me back and by 7pm I started to cook the dinner I laid out for us.  9:30pm he shows up home DRUNK..(if you recall I am not allowed to drink!!) and was all gitty but pretty much "out there" so I quietly got him into our bed and he held me and we fell asleep.

 

I was anxious about a huge horse show I was putting on today. My first large show here so it was stressful to say the least.  I was up at 6am and headed to the barn to get things ready for people to start arriving and around 10am I came into the house to see if he was awake yet and he was.  He was sitting at the computer and as soon as he saw me come around the corner he minimized whatever it was he was doing.  I didnt call him on it. I asked him how he was feeling and went to give him a kiss on the lips (like i always do when i greet him) and he turned his head and then said "Im gonna take a few clothes and stay at my Mom's for awhile until I can figure things out".  I stood quiet and responded with .. "okay, if thats what you need to do then maybe this will help".

 

I walked into the kitchen and came back into the office and he snapped at me WHY ARE YOU FALLING ME???? HUH???? i resplied. Someone is paranoid I said.  Then he snaps out "where are the garbage bags, there was a whole box under the sink and now they are all gone.. you hid them on me so i couldnt use them didnt you!!!!!!!!!... I beant down and grabbed the box he should have been looking for and said "my god you need to calm down and stop being so paranoid".  he had an embarrassed look on his face and didnt say a word.

 

I left the house and went back out the show that was taking place.  I was knumb and just walking around with this fake smile on my face and about 1.5hrs later I went back to the house to use the washroom and I walked in to my livingroom full of boxes and he was taking EVERYTHING! I gasped and said "I thought you were only taking a couple cloths so you can stay at your moms to do some thinking" and that was it.. oh boyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy he starts yelling WHY ARE YOU HERE.. WHY ARE WATCHING ME.. he was not a happy person... why? because he got caught in yet another lie??  I then saw stacks of boxes on the front deck for all my boarders (clients) and people who came to the show for allllllllllllllll to see. OMG I FELT SO EMBARRASSED..PASSIONATELY I SAID ...WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS NOW? WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS ON THIS DAY..WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO EMBARRASS ME..WHY ARE YOU BEING SO INSENSITIVE..his response was "there is no good day" my response was "a better "bad" day could have been when I didnt have 100 people around and I was trying to run a show with a level head.  Perhaps the following day would have been more considerate.  His response: I have to work...

 

So here i am watching a man I have been living with, thought I knew and now I am looking at a man I dont know..like a stranger in my home full of anger, rage and shut down.  Bazaar is all that keeps coming to my mind.  All this because I spoke out of tern a couple of times during an argument that I didnt know affected him until days ago when it happened months ago???? no, no. its gotta be something more.. and oddly enough he said something again without me asking. "i havent met another woman" why is that exactly? why did he need to say that? 

 

i feel sick....I cant stop crying.....

 

 
June 20, 2009, 9:25 pm CDT

Communication

Quote From: shikira88

Iwill start with "I cannot breathe" my heart is at the bottom of my foot and my thinking process right now is purely "knumb" from all the crying today.

 

To answer your question of "Did he say it in a funny way and can you have possibly been hyper sensitive? the answer is No unfortunately. It was a 100% humiliating cut.  It worsens from there.  he rose yesterday morning early to help friends move.  He said he would be home for dinner.  Before he left "I" talked to him about forgiveness and communication and offered us more time to see if this feeling of him wanting to leave could be resolved by finding the real issues and I said "take a couple of days to think about it.. you know how I feel and what I need and we will come back to the table with that.  He said "okay".

 

I didnt hear from him around dinner time so I called his cell and there was a voicemail. Ummmm he's never had voice mail on his phone since the day I met him so that surprised me.  Needless to say he didnt call me back and by 7pm I started to cook the dinner I laid out for us.  9:30pm he shows up home DRUNK..(if you recall I am not allowed to drink!!) and was all gitty but pretty much "out there" so I quietly got him into our bed and he held me and we fell asleep.

 

I was anxious about a huge horse show I was putting on today. My first large show here so it was stressful to say the least.  I was up at 6am and headed to the barn to get things ready for people to start arriving and around 10am I came into the house to see if he was awake yet and he was.  He was sitting at the computer and as soon as he saw me come around the corner he minimized whatever it was he was doing.  I didnt call him on it. I asked him how he was feeling and went to give him a kiss on the lips (like i always do when i greet him) and he turned his head and then said "Im gonna take a few clothes and stay at my Mom's for awhile until I can figure things out".  I stood quiet and responded with .. "okay, if thats what you need to do then maybe this will help".

 

I walked into the kitchen and came back into the office and he snapped at me WHY ARE YOU FALLING ME???? HUH???? i resplied. Someone is paranoid I said.  Then he snaps out "where are the garbage bags, there was a whole box under the sink and now they are all gone.. you hid them on me so i couldnt use them didnt you!!!!!!!!!... I beant down and grabbed the box he should have been looking for and said "my god you need to calm down and stop being so paranoid".  he had an embarrassed look on his face and didnt say a word.

 

I left the house and went back out the show that was taking place.  I was knumb and just walking around with this fake smile on my face and about 1.5hrs later I went back to the house to use the washroom and I walked in to my livingroom full of boxes and he was taking EVERYTHING! I gasped and said "I thought you were only taking a couple cloths so you can stay at your moms to do some thinking" and that was it.. oh boyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy he starts yelling WHY ARE YOU HERE.. WHY ARE WATCHING ME.. he was not a happy person... why? because he got caught in yet another lie??  I then saw stacks of boxes on the front deck for all my boarders (clients) and people who came to the show for allllllllllllllll to see. OMG I FELT SO EMBARRASSED..PASSIONATELY I SAID ...WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS NOW? WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS ON THIS DAY..WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO EMBARRASS ME..WHY ARE YOU BEING SO INSENSITIVE..his response was "there is no good day" my response was "a better "bad" day could have been when I didnt have 100 people around and I was trying to run a show with a level head.  Perhaps the following day would have been more considerate.  His response: I have to work...

 

So here i am watching a man I have been living with, thought I knew and now I am looking at a man I dont know..like a stranger in my home full of anger, rage and shut down.  Bazaar is all that keeps coming to my mind.  All this because I spoke out of tern a couple of times during an argument that I didnt know affected him until days ago when it happened months ago???? no, no. its gotta be something more.. and oddly enough he said something again without me asking. "i havent met another woman" why is that exactly? why did he need to say that? 

 

i feel sick....I cant stop crying.....

 

to add;  he is gone now and took a lot of his stuff today but he wants to take the rest of the stuff out on his time; his schedule and wont give me his key to MY house ...this might drag on and I dont want it too. 

 

Is it wrong for me to tell him he has 3 days or so to get  his stuff out of here? is that mean to do?  he also owes me money? if i say something like that would that end my chances of getting that back?.. oh god this is such a mess. i dont have a mean bone in my body but i just want to yell at the top of my lungs HOW DARE YOU..HOW DARE YOU MANIPULATE YOURSELF INTO MY LIFE TO ONLY SHOW ME WHO YOU REALLY ARE..HOW DAREEEEEEEEEEEE YOU!!!

 

also, I want to be able to say good-bye to his son. I have helped raised him (mostly on my own due to his work schedule) and i havent been able to see or talk to him in over a week.  How can i say good-bye? can i email him directly? would that be wrong? not to talk about his father ..just him... I already wrote something out:

 

(name)

Even though your Father and I are having difficulties right now,  I hope you know that it was a joy to have you here and you are deeply missed.

 

I will be thinking of you when you are at your Nationials and wish you the best of luck.

 

I care about you and always will.  I will always be your friend and my door is always open.  I am just a phone call or email away.

I love you.

 

Would that be okay?

 

he's being a jerk.

 
June 21, 2009, 7:39 am CDT

Communication

Quote From: kimikomine

I think we have to remember that we have been on both sides. The rejector and the rejectee. This is the way of love.

 

It is a matter of looking for the best possible mate, sometimes , we lose what could have been a very good relationship because we feel there is something better for us. Sometimes we get dumped on by someone that we believe we want to be with. This is why it is so difficult to find someone. this is why marriage is so popular. It forces people to stay together, either kids, homes, careers, lifestyle, a need to not be alone....

 

When you are living with someone, it is free reign to pick up and leave. When you are friends, there is a boundary/wall, to prevent it from moving to a serious, more committed relationship. In both cases, neither one can bring great results unless there is honesty. And that is very difficult for many.

 

Then we are found standing there with our heads in our hands, wondering, how could this be happening? When it was right there from the beginning but love tends to make a person dilusional. They say being in love is like having an illness.  Now, instead of looking for love, I am finding it from within. I figure if I truly love myself, then I will be someone that others would want to love and their love will be coming from a place of self love as well, so that there is no need to lie or manipulate the relationship in any way.

 

If and when someone decides to leave us, or reject us, it is very important to see that as a gift to us, to remind us that we are the gifts as well, to the right person. To the wrong person, we are nothing but a hinderance. And we really don't need to take it as a personal dig, but more the way in which the universe takes care of us all.

You talk about how marriage makes people work things out. Well I just remembered she has 3 ex husbands and 2 ex could have beens. Maybe she is the problem and I just don't see it. We don't live together. She called a little bit ago and wanted to know when I was going to be over and when I couldn't give her a straight answer she got upset and threw in my face I was going to help her with this and that I said I would always be there for her. I think I am starting to see her true motive. See just wants a handy man.
 
June 22, 2009, 7:37 am CDT

Communication

I normally tell my boyfriend where i'm going like when i'm leaving what time will i be back sometimes i get irritiated when he doesnt tell me his whereabouts i feel like i'm looking so much into the relationship i should let him be,but its hard because when i dont tell him my whereabouts he says i'm cheating.What should i do?
 
June 28, 2009, 5:15 am CDT

My apologies..

Quote From: shikira88

Iwill start with "I cannot breathe" my heart is at the bottom of my foot and my thinking process right now is purely "knumb" from all the crying today.

 

To answer your question of "Did he say it in a funny way and can you have possibly been hyper sensitive? the answer is No unfortunately. It was a 100% humiliating cut.  It worsens from there.  he rose yesterday morning early to help friends move.  He said he would be home for dinner.  Before he left "I" talked to him about forgiveness and communication and offered us more time to see if this feeling of him wanting to leave could be resolved by finding the real issues and I said "take a couple of days to think about it.. you know how I feel and what I need and we will come back to the table with that.  He said "okay".

 

I didnt hear from him around dinner time so I called his cell and there was a voicemail. Ummmm he's never had voice mail on his phone since the day I met him so that surprised me.  Needless to say he didnt call me back and by 7pm I started to cook the dinner I laid out for us.  9:30pm he shows up home DRUNK..(if you recall I am not allowed to drink!!) and was all gitty but pretty much "out there" so I quietly got him into our bed and he held me and we fell asleep.

 

I was anxious about a huge horse show I was putting on today. My first large show here so it was stressful to say the least.  I was up at 6am and headed to the barn to get things ready for people to start arriving and around 10am I came into the house to see if he was awake yet and he was.  He was sitting at the computer and as soon as he saw me come around the corner he minimized whatever it was he was doing.  I didnt call him on it. I asked him how he was feeling and went to give him a kiss on the lips (like i always do when i greet him) and he turned his head and then said "Im gonna take a few clothes and stay at my Mom's for awhile until I can figure things out".  I stood quiet and responded with .. "okay, if thats what you need to do then maybe this will help".

 

I walked into the kitchen and came back into the office and he snapped at me WHY ARE YOU FALLING ME???? HUH???? i resplied. Someone is paranoid I said.  Then he snaps out "where are the garbage bags, there was a whole box under the sink and now they are all gone.. you hid them on me so i couldnt use them didnt you!!!!!!!!!... I beant down and grabbed the box he should have been looking for and said "my god you need to calm down and stop being so paranoid".  he had an embarrassed look on his face and didnt say a word.

 

I left the house and went back out the show that was taking place.  I was knumb and just walking around with this fake smile on my face and about 1.5hrs later I went back to the house to use the washroom and I walked in to my livingroom full of boxes and he was taking EVERYTHING! I gasped and said "I thought you were only taking a couple cloths so you can stay at your moms to do some thinking" and that was it.. oh boyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy he starts yelling WHY ARE YOU HERE.. WHY ARE WATCHING ME.. he was not a happy person... why? because he got caught in yet another lie??  I then saw stacks of boxes on the front deck for all my boarders (clients) and people who came to the show for allllllllllllllll to see. OMG I FELT SO EMBARRASSED..PASSIONATELY I SAID ...WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS NOW? WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS ON THIS DAY..WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO EMBARRASS ME..WHY ARE YOU BEING SO INSENSITIVE..his response was "there is no good day" my response was "a better "bad" day could have been when I didnt have 100 people around and I was trying to run a show with a level head.  Perhaps the following day would have been more considerate.  His response: I have to work...

 

So here i am watching a man I have been living with, thought I knew and now I am looking at a man I dont know..like a stranger in my home full of anger, rage and shut down.  Bazaar is all that keeps coming to my mind.  All this because I spoke out of tern a couple of times during an argument that I didnt know affected him until days ago when it happened months ago???? no, no. its gotta be something more.. and oddly enough he said something again without me asking. "i havent met another woman" why is that exactly? why did he need to say that? 

 

i feel sick....I cant stop crying.....

 

for responding so late. I was on holiday.

 

First of all, that was totally ridiculous for him to be doing that in front of other people (absolutely trying to humiliate you and hurt you) and then expecting you to present yourself in a manner that was necessary for you to do "your work". He stepped all over you basically.  Now, I am beginning to believe that there are people that "will take every opportunity to make themselves appear better" at the expense of someone else. There are very shallow people out there that only care about themselves. You can also call it narcissism. Again, unfortunately, some people are outright nasty.

 

Saying this, we must still go on with our lives and pluck away and remain on the path. Our path. The sooner you can diverge from him, (as I believe he is very toxic) the sooner you will be able to be happy. It does not mean you will not need to deal with people like that and through their actions, you can learn a lot about yourself too.  Pay close attention to how you feel when he does something to upset you. Such as, packing while you are in the throes of a very big event or life situation. Learn how you feel when your feelings have been hurt. Why is it that he can make you cry???? Because unfortunately on some level you believe you do not deserve to be happy or you believe you are not good enough in some area, somehow.

 

There are a lot of people out there that are purely about them and you can spot them when you suddenly start feeling "crazy, out of whack, disoriented, confused". these are bodily symptoms to an outside stimulus.  You are sick and you are crying because you have not learned how to take care of yourself. Learning how to take care of yourself in difficult emotional situations comes at a first come , first serve, formula. For example:  On average, when someone offends someone, it is not expected that they forgive unless there is an element of wanting to be forgiven.  If we have wronged, it is our choice to make it right but sometimes we are up against someone unwilling to do what is necessary to be forgiven. The narcissist does not believe they have done anything wrong. So an apology or an opportunity to forgive is not available. How can you love someone that continues to hurt you?  Is this something you have grown used to?

 

I really like the saying "no one can make us feel anyway in particular, without our consent". You are allowing yourself to be a victim to his actions. Why? It always goes back to way we felt when we were little. How did you dad treat you? How did your mom treat you? How did your siblings treat you? How did you feel around other people when you were young? Were you timid, shy, afraid? Did you try to get attention??? And didn't?????

 

I have to do my laundry at the mat now.  I will write again. I hope this gives you something to think about. Seaya. Kim

 
June 28, 2009, 12:14 pm CDT

thank you

Quote From: kimikomine

for responding so late. I was on holiday.

 

First of all, that was totally ridiculous for him to be doing that in front of other people (absolutely trying to humiliate you and hurt you) and then expecting you to present yourself in a manner that was necessary for you to do "your work". He stepped all over you basically.  Now, I am beginning to believe that there are people that "will take every opportunity to make themselves appear better" at the expense of someone else. There are very shallow people out there that only care about themselves. You can also call it narcissism. Again, unfortunately, some people are outright nasty.

 

Saying this, we must still go on with our lives and pluck away and remain on the path. Our path. The sooner you can diverge from him, (as I believe he is very toxic) the sooner you will be able to be happy. It does not mean you will not need to deal with people like that and through their actions, you can learn a lot about yourself too.  Pay close attention to how you feel when he does something to upset you. Such as, packing while you are in the throes of a very big event or life situation. Learn how you feel when your feelings have been hurt. Why is it that he can make you cry???? Because unfortunately on some level you believe you do not deserve to be happy or you believe you are not good enough in some area, somehow.

 

There are a lot of people out there that are purely about them and you can spot them when you suddenly start feeling "crazy, out of whack, disoriented, confused". these are bodily symptoms to an outside stimulus.  You are sick and you are crying because you have not learned how to take care of yourself. Learning how to take care of yourself in difficult emotional situations comes at a first come , first serve, formula. For example:  On average, when someone offends someone, it is not expected that they forgive unless there is an element of wanting to be forgiven.  If we have wronged, it is our choice to make it right but sometimes we are up against someone unwilling to do what is necessary to be forgiven. The narcissist does not believe they have done anything wrong. So an apology or an opportunity to forgive is not available. How can you love someone that continues to hurt you?  Is this something you have grown used to?

 

I really like the saying "no one can make us feel anyway in particular, without our consent". You are allowing yourself to be a victim to his actions. Why? It always goes back to way we felt when we were little. How did you dad treat you? How did your mom treat you? How did your siblings treat you? How did you feel around other people when you were young? Were you timid, shy, afraid? Did you try to get attention??? And didn't?????

 

I have to do my laundry at the mat now.  I will write again. I hope this gives you something to think about. Seaya. Kim

thank you for your responses.  They are very uplifting for me and leave me with feeling "some" inner strength.

 

The latest is that all his stuff is gone now.  He packed everything and left this past Wednesday.  During this time he has been cold, aloof and out right rude for the most part.  And VERY interesting that you bring up the word "narcisist" (sp?) because a short time past he himself actually said that he has been accused of being one and during this whirlwind I have learned that side of him.  A side I saw glimpses of but shrugged them off however now it feels like a bat hitting me across the head and saying to myself HELLO LISTEN TO HIS BEHAVIOUR AND RUN!!

 

It hasnt been easy though, slowly collecting my thoughts and peacing things together so they make sense to me so I can learn from this to hopefully avoid making the same mistake again. 

 

You asked about my childhood? eek; don't ask..it wasn't pretty however I will say that stemmed from my childhood is rejection issues.  I am learning that its not "him" I was inlove with but more "the idea".  I knew deep down he wasnt for me.. I am a social butterfly, love to make people laugh and an absolute romantic and veryyyyyyyy sensitive to racial slurs etc and oddly enough he's completely opposite.  He has no friends other then those he works with but does not socialize with them outside of work, makes horrible racial slurs especially about women/men and how unfair women have to be hired for a mans job because society forces them and there's more but I do not want to give too much attention to his stupidity on that front.

 

This is about "me" and I know that.  I am now sitting here struggling with "why" I allowed it; why am i hurting for a person like that. why do i even care what he does or where he is; why should i feel any saddness at all, should I not be celebrating???  he calls me... he makes comments like "hmmmmm the first few days away were okay but now its not so good....why am I taking his calls? why do I come in to the house to check if he called me?  where do I "start" to find the route cause of this in me? where do I find the strength to tell him to "STAY AWAY" ..how come I can think it but when he calls I can't say it? ugh...used to it you ask? probably but I certainly don't welcome it nor want it but it seems that I can tolerate it. Almost like I subcontiously know how to shut that hurt out and find the good in everything and everyone.  That is what I am trying NOT to do. Remembering the good.  I don't hate.  I am not a person of hate but I sure wish I could get angry andshow some self respect and tell him to take a hike.. ugh.

 
June 28, 2009, 6:04 pm CDT

Hi Why

Quote From: why_why

You talk about how marriage makes people work things out. Well I just remembered she has 3 ex husbands and 2 ex could have beens. Maybe she is the problem and I just don't see it. We don't live together. She called a little bit ago and wanted to know when I was going to be over and when I couldn't give her a straight answer she got upset and threw in my face I was going to help her with this and that I said I would always be there for her. I think I am starting to see her true motive. See just wants a handy man.

Hope things are well with you. . After being married one time for 7 years, I realize that getting married requires a lot of thought. I see people that have been married more then once and if they stay on their second marriage then it can be said the first was a mistake. After that anyone being married 2x and going on their 3rd, seems to me that they don't take marriage so seriously. Its just like another relationship. I have been been in more then 3 relationships, and they ended, but I was only married once, and if I should ever get married again, it will be totally with open eyes.

 

Now.....when she called you to come over and you hesitated or had hesitations, throwing threats of what you promised her, etc. is totally selfish. Some people are users. Period. Their goal is to see how many people they can get to do what they want. Its hard to understand especially if you are not this way.

 

I am tempted to tell you to "ask " her to do "you" a solid. What do you think will happen? Will it create a distrubance, an argument?  If it does then you know she only wants you when she wants you or needs you and it has nothing to do with how you feel. Be careful.

 
July 4, 2009, 12:33 pm CDT

I asked for some help and.....

Quote From: kimikomine

Hope things are well with you. . After being married one time for 7 years, I realize that getting married requires a lot of thought. I see people that have been married more then once and if they stay on their second marriage then it can be said the first was a mistake. After that anyone being married 2x and going on their 3rd, seems to me that they don't take marriage so seriously. Its just like another relationship. I have been been in more then 3 relationships, and they ended, but I was only married once, and if I should ever get married again, it will be totally with open eyes.

 

Now.....when she called you to come over and you hesitated or had hesitations, throwing threats of what you promised her, etc. is totally selfish. Some people are users. Period. Their goal is to see how many people they can get to do what they want. Its hard to understand especially if you are not this way.

 

I am tempted to tell you to "ask " her to do "you" a solid. What do you think will happen? Will it create a distrubance, an argument?  If it does then you know she only wants you when she wants you or needs you and it has nothing to do with how you feel. Be careful.

she responded that she is just to busy and doesn't have the time right now, but if I need any thing else in the future don't think twice about calling her she will help. Then she borough up to me getting the boxes out of her house that she needed for the move that never happened. Well it has been very wet here in the evenings and I work about 55 hours a week right now and told her maybe next week. Well I was told I have one week then they are gone. When she needed the boxes she didn't put a time limit on it.it was when ever you could get he some she would take them. I see what you are talking about. It all revolves around her. I had a little bird come to me and tell me a lot more in the past week that I figured was going on.
 
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