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Topic : Communication

Number of Replies: 2186
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:06:47 pm
Author : dataimport
Good communication between partners can make or break a relationship. Share your tips and stories.

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July 5, 2009, 3:03 am CDT

My ex was similar

Quote From: why_why

she responded that she is just to busy and doesn't have the time right now, but if I need any thing else in the future don't think twice about calling her she will help. Then she borough up to me getting the boxes out of her house that she needed for the move that never happened. Well it has been very wet here in the evenings and I work about 55 hours a week right now and told her maybe next week. Well I was told I have one week then they are gone. When she needed the boxes she didn't put a time limit on it.it was when ever you could get he some she would take them. I see what you are talking about. It all revolves around her. I had a little bird come to me and tell me a lot more in the past week that I figured was going on.

It is difficult to see a wolf when they are wearing sheepskin.

 

He would "appear" to do so many things for me, for us, but if I asked him specifically for something, outside of his time constraint, his reply was never very encouraging. And its truly in the little things that do add up. Now, to play devils advocate, it is not fair to assume a person does not want to do something for us if it is "not a good time". That is being honest. But the truth of the matter is, basically, we wind up doing a lot of things that we suggested, alone.  As an independant woman, I know being single means I am responsible for my car mechanics, all bills, health, and happiness. As a couple, one tends to think life will be easier because there is some connection to another human being. As if being in a relationship guarantees happiness, success, etc. What it is excellent for is the opportunity to share ourselves with someone, feel needed, and matter.

 

When we allow others to "shut us down" emotionally like she did to you, like my ex did to me, it brings up a lot of ugly feelings, self esteem issues, ego, flashbacks from our pasts (and when we felt this way before). A lot of your feelings and even your actions, are probably what you did when you were younger. Most people who are "drawn" to narcissistic personality, like your girl, let me rephrase that, those that "stay" in relationships with narcissisits, want to believe that all people are good because they themselves "don't.". Its a projection.

 

You (and I, lol) need to stay focused and that focus is on us and what we are doing, or not doing, that created(s) our problems. We need to see reality through eyes of a mature person but acknowledge how our "protector" in childhood kept us alive.!  It is true. Some people do suck and some suck really bad. I find more of those then the nice ones or the honest ones. But as long as I remain as honest as I can, I hope to naturally repel the evil ones.  My point being, all the information, confirmations in the world are not going to make you a better person, but it should at least confirm that your intuitions are correct, and you should pay more attention to them.  Our instincts are never wrong.

 
July 5, 2009, 3:19 am CDT

Why do you care??? Because you do.

Quote From: shikira88

thank you for your responses.  They are very uplifting for me and leave me with feeling "some" inner strength.

 

The latest is that all his stuff is gone now.  He packed everything and left this past Wednesday.  During this time he has been cold, aloof and out right rude for the most part.  And VERY interesting that you bring up the word "narcisist" (sp?) because a short time past he himself actually said that he has been accused of being one and during this whirlwind I have learned that side of him.  A side I saw glimpses of but shrugged them off however now it feels like a bat hitting me across the head and saying to myself HELLO LISTEN TO HIS BEHAVIOUR AND RUN!!

 

It hasnt been easy though, slowly collecting my thoughts and peacing things together so they make sense to me so I can learn from this to hopefully avoid making the same mistake again. 

 

You asked about my childhood? eek; don't ask..it wasn't pretty however I will say that stemmed from my childhood is rejection issues.  I am learning that its not "him" I was inlove with but more "the idea".  I knew deep down he wasnt for me.. I am a social butterfly, love to make people laugh and an absolute romantic and veryyyyyyyy sensitive to racial slurs etc and oddly enough he's completely opposite.  He has no friends other then those he works with but does not socialize with them outside of work, makes horrible racial slurs especially about women/men and how unfair women have to be hired for a mans job because society forces them and there's more but I do not want to give too much attention to his stupidity on that front.

 

This is about "me" and I know that.  I am now sitting here struggling with "why" I allowed it; why am i hurting for a person like that. why do i even care what he does or where he is; why should i feel any saddness at all, should I not be celebrating???  he calls me... he makes comments like "hmmmmm the first few days away were okay but now its not so good....why am I taking his calls? why do I come in to the house to check if he called me?  where do I "start" to find the route cause of this in me? where do I find the strength to tell him to "STAY AWAY" ..how come I can think it but when he calls I can't say it? ugh...used to it you ask? probably but I certainly don't welcome it nor want it but it seems that I can tolerate it. Almost like I subcontiously know how to shut that hurt out and find the good in everything and everyone.  That is what I am trying NOT to do. Remembering the good.  I don't hate.  I am not a person of hate but I sure wish I could get angry andshow some self respect and tell him to take a hike.. ugh.

How could you stay with someone that is obviously not good for you? Because you have stayed in relationships before that were not good for you. It takes practice to be able to leave bad relationships.  Who like to end relationships? Whether they are good or bad?  Endings are scary and unknown.

 

Why do you allow someone to hurt you? Because you have been hurting for a very long time, huh?  The wound is deep in  you and it is not going to be easy to turn down a sign of affection, attention, even if it is in a negative source.  Actually, you are drawing "it" to you because that is what you need to feel balanced. Showing anger or not being able to show anger, means you were not allowed to "feel" what  you were really feeling!  You kept it all to yourself, had to. And thats ok. I know childhood is challenging for most.

 

But it is important to be able to look back and see if how you are acting now, resembles the way you would have reacted when you were a child because that is a learned behavior, not necessarily based in reality. The trigger is the same, but we are now able to make better decisions that are going to bring health to our lives, not pain and suffering.  We all have to face our fears and our insecurities, daily sometimes.  You are being given an opportunity to see how you are going to do it "differently" then see what the results are!

 

If you have a hard time with anger, start off slow.  Get a pillow and scream into it! Let me know how you feel afterwards!  :)  Kimi

 
July 9, 2009, 4:19 pm CDT

The sheepskin cam off and the ugly wolf showed.....

Quote From: kimikomine

It is difficult to see a wolf when they are wearing sheepskin.

 

He would "appear" to do so many things for me, for us, but if I asked him specifically for something, outside of his time constraint, his reply was never very encouraging. And its truly in the little things that do add up. Now, to play devils advocate, it is not fair to assume a person does not want to do something for us if it is "not a good time". That is being honest. But the truth of the matter is, basically, we wind up doing a lot of things that we suggested, alone.  As an independant woman, I know being single means I am responsible for my car mechanics, all bills, health, and happiness. As a couple, one tends to think life will be easier because there is some connection to another human being. As if being in a relationship guarantees happiness, success, etc. What it is excellent for is the opportunity to share ourselves with someone, feel needed, and matter.

 

When we allow others to "shut us down" emotionally like she did to you, like my ex did to me, it brings up a lot of ugly feelings, self esteem issues, ego, flashbacks from our pasts (and when we felt this way before). A lot of your feelings and even your actions, are probably what you did when you were younger. Most people who are "drawn" to narcissistic personality, like your girl, let me rephrase that, those that "stay" in relationships with narcissisits, want to believe that all people are good because they themselves "don't.". Its a projection.

 

You (and I, lol) need to stay focused and that focus is on us and what we are doing, or not doing, that created(s) our problems. We need to see reality through eyes of a mature person but acknowledge how our "protector" in childhood kept us alive.!  It is true. Some people do suck and some suck really bad. I find more of those then the nice ones or the honest ones. But as long as I remain as honest as I can, I hope to naturally repel the evil ones.  My point being, all the information, confirmations in the world are not going to make you a better person, but it should at least confirm that your intuitions are correct, and you should pay more attention to them.  Our instincts are never wrong.

it face.  She now saying that I went behind her back and talked to some people at this bar I work at on the weekends and I talked to the wrong people so I better look out. I told to grow up and bring the people to my face to tell me what I said was so wrong. And she said don't worry I will call them as witnesses it I need to. She says I am slandering her. No anything I said is fact and facts are not slander and all I was doing was looking for answers on some problems she was having. Well needless to say I have told her to have a nice life and when she can stop and love someone else besides her self may be she will understand people are trying to help her and and screw her over. But she can't she past her big tits and blond hair. She has to always stop and look at her self in the windows of stores.
 
July 10, 2009, 2:28 am CDT

That is very nice that she is beautiful....

Quote From: why_why

it face.  She now saying that I went behind her back and talked to some people at this bar I work at on the weekends and I talked to the wrong people so I better look out. I told to grow up and bring the people to my face to tell me what I said was so wrong. And she said don't worry I will call them as witnesses it I need to. She says I am slandering her. No anything I said is fact and facts are not slander and all I was doing was looking for answers on some problems she was having. Well needless to say I have told her to have a nice life and when she can stop and love someone else besides her self may be she will understand people are trying to help her and and screw her over. But she can't she past her big tits and blond hair. She has to always stop and look at her self in the windows of stores.

externally, anyway! :)  There are many beautiful people out there, she is not the last one either, ok? Sometimes, when people are very good looking, they get things easier in life, which can sometimes contribute to the narcissistic personality.  It is perfect for these types to also be good looking......just that much easier to get what they want.....but they still do not consider truly how someone else might be feeling. Having empathy for others is a gift, some have the looks, but not the empathy. Makes for a shallow experience.  Having looks and a good personality.....now we are cooking.  Also, narcissists do not like to be talked about, or to, because it can put them in a bad light.....again....its all about their perception of how other people see them, not caring how they "truly" are.  Its a common complaint among people involved in narcissistic relationships that nothing one seems to do is enough, or good enough, or fast enough. Their expectations are unrealistic (they are not in reality).

 

Sometimes I wish there were no mirrors and we could only see reflections in water, etc.....kind of what narcissus did.....because I truly believe people are way too concerned with how they look, instead of who they are.  I wish you luck in this because it sounds like you are stuck and confused.  Take the time to see what this is triggering in you. OUr challenges are our greatest gifts.  Kimi

 

 

 

 

 
July 12, 2009, 12:02 pm CDT

No, I am done I don't need to be..........

Quote From: kimikomine

externally, anyway! :)  There are many beautiful people out there, she is not the last one either, ok? Sometimes, when people are very good looking, they get things easier in life, which can sometimes contribute to the narcissistic personality.  It is perfect for these types to also be good looking......just that much easier to get what they want.....but they still do not consider truly how someone else might be feeling. Having empathy for others is a gift, some have the looks, but not the empathy. Makes for a shallow experience.  Having looks and a good personality.....now we are cooking.  Also, narcissists do not like to be talked about, or to, because it can put them in a bad light.....again....its all about their perception of how other people see them, not caring how they "truly" are.  Its a common complaint among people involved in narcissistic relationships that nothing one seems to do is enough, or good enough, or fast enough. Their expectations are unrealistic (they are not in reality).

 

Sometimes I wish there were no mirrors and we could only see reflections in water, etc.....kind of what narcissus did.....because I truly believe people are way too concerned with how they look, instead of who they are.  I wish you luck in this because it sounds like you are stuck and confused.  Take the time to see what this is triggering in you. OUr challenges are our greatest gifts.  Kimi

 

 

 

 

kicked twice to get the picture. See I am the type of person that doesn't need all the drama in my life like she wants. I also talked to several of the employees at the bar (my friends) about what I may have said or done and they all said. "You did say anything that we already didn't know about her, and we don't really care what she thinks because she is rude and nasty to some of us when she comes in here" So what I think it is is she said some stuff to me in the beginning that now she don't want to make good on and she had to figure a way  to get out of it. So why not make up a story. And I noticed when I was over there the other day to pick up my tools and other stuff. She already had a new "handy man" some one she talked about and said "Oh I love him to death but I could never date him" No he doesn't know this, and she won;t tell him because she needs her hot tub wired up. Also I had a little bird come by and tell me that she was talking about me to them behind my back. But I am not the type to throw it in her face. I will just wait for karma to come around and get her. I am done with her and will never do any thing for her, I don't care how much boobs she has showing or how much make up she has on. She is a very shallow person.....

 
July 20, 2009, 4:15 am CDT

The Misguided Viewpoint of Love and Relationships

Relationships have always been on the minds of people throughout history. Several authors, psychologists, relationship experts, and even celebrities have given their opinion on how to make a relationship work. People are astounded when hearing of couples that have been together for 60+ years. The common question they ask them, “What’s your secret?” Why do people feel there is a secret to a successful relationship? Even with all the advice given in the past, people are still looking for the answer. Some have turned to the internet for relationship advice, only to find hundreds of millions of articles, which can seem a bit overwhelming. So why haven’t people found the true answer to relationship problems? Well, it’s a question that can’t be given a clear-cut answer. Everyone is different. So what may work for one couple could have the opposite effect on another.

But what experts can agree on is that all relationships have to be based on love.

Love can have a powerfully, emotional effect on people, whether it is positive or negative. It can bring out the best in some and the worst in others, if it’s taken on an obsessive level. Others are scared away by it, seeing it as being emotionally vulnerable, and so they try to avoid it altogether.

Though love can start off strong it can easily fade away if not nurtured properly. Some people constantly fall in and out of love quite easily. This sometimes is in line with having a misconception of love. Meaning they confuse infatuation with love. Or they feel that being in love is controlling someone else or being overly needy. This can in fact drive people away from them.

The word love can be a difficult thing to say. Men can feel like it’s no big deal if they don’t say the word all the time to their loved one.

When married some husbands might say, “Of course I love my wife. I come home everyday from work don’t I?” In all honesty that is commendable, but when was the last time you said it? The same applies for wives too. Those four letter words can make a big difference in a relationship, but so does someone’s actions. If you don’t get any thing out of this article do keep this one point in mind; you never know someone loves you until they do something to prove it. However, this doesn’t mean its ok for a person to emotionally manipulate you into doing something you don’t want to do. True love is based on two factors: Honest communications and respect.

Can people find love without it leading to marriage? Yes, only if both parties agree to it. Some people choose not to fall in love and that is understandable. However, you need to let the person you are dating know about this. Within three to six months of dating, the other person could already be talking about wanting to get married. Don’t string the person along by playing mind games. Like saying, “Yes, I would want to get married”, then the next day say, “No” and then “Yes” again. It adds more confusion and pain to the other person. This could probably lead them into thinking that something is wrong with them, when you know very well it’s you that’s afraid to commit.

But this too goes for the person being misled. Beware of people, preferably men, which claim to be “damaged goods” or have “issues.” It’s a way to make himself, hopefully, seem less appealing to you. In guy terms it’s his way of saying, “Hey, don’t take this thing between us serious.” In reality, when a man really likes a woman he wants to impress her; whether by his wits, charm, smarts, material possessions, finances, handiness, or humanitarianism. A guy’s demeanor speaks volumes. So when you think about it if a man really likes a woman, why then would he put himself down?

It reminds me a lot of someone being interviewed for a job. Now if the person really wants the job would they tell the interviewer “Well I’m lazy, unreliable, and almost never come to work on time.” Does it really seem like that person wants the job? Of course not! They would do their best to prove that they are the one qualified for the job. The same analogy could be applied to a potential relationship. If a guy that is really interested in someone, he will prove that he’s worth their attention.

But, if you feel you are being strung along and the person never gives you a straight answer, because they change their mind back and forth, it’s best to run from that relationship. Don’t be surprised if one day that person, out of frustration over the commitment issue, will cut you off completely with no explanation whatsoever. You will be left wondering what happened and suffer from the pain. As for them, they will move on, continuing to do the same thing all over again. History will repeat itself.

I know relationship experts always say be honest when first meeting someone. But in reality no one is ever honest when they just start dating. That’s why it's important not to rush into a serious relationship right away. Wait until you know the person well. As the old saying goes, “Time reveals all.” One way to speed up the process is seeing how the person you’re dating interacts with their family and friends. You might see a side of them that could shock you. However, some women will see the bad habits/attitude of the man they are dating, and though being repulsed they will continue to stay in the relationship, even up to the point of marriage. Why? Because they want to settle or think that “they can change him.” It is a bit presumptuous to think you change a person. A man will change only if he wants to. The same person you are before marriage is the same person you’ll be after marriage. The only thing that changes is the living situation and responsibilities within the home.

Another major topic that couples are concerned about is cheating. Today, more than ever, having an affair is becoming a common thing. Some psychologists even encourage affairs as a way to “spice up” the relationship. But there are many reasons as to why people have affairs. It can also be related to commitment issues. Or they are not getting something within their serious relationship, so they go outside the marriage and look for it. Surprisingly, it can have nothing to do with sex-at first. It can develop into an emotional-like friendship which could then lead to sex. Personally, I would never encourage someone to leave a person that is cheating on them. The choice to forgive or not is a personal decision that you’ll have to live with. The only exception would be if your partner constantly cheats and refuses to seek help. It would be best to leave in order to avoid contacting an STD; or if your life is in danger, such as facing emotional and/or physical abuse.

Don’t lose hope! A successful relationship is possible only if both people really work hard on making it last.


 

Written by: Bridget Campos

Links:  http://bridgetcampos.blogspot.com/

http://sahmanswers.com/news.php?readmore=1017

 
July 27, 2009, 7:35 am CDT

buying a house without telling boyfriend

My son and his girldfriend are living together and have discussed buying a house together. They got into an arguement and she went out and found a house a couple blocks from her parents (my son like her parents so that isn't the problem) The problem is she made an offer without him even seeing the place, (she did show him the brochure). Now she expects him to accept it and act as if nothing has happened and that her saying she is selfish & sorry should be enough. Oh I forgot to tell you that she doesn't want me to know about the house and her parents think that my son has given his approval. She wants tell one lie after the next.  
 
July 28, 2009, 2:14 pm CDT

being emotionally plugged in

I don't get it. I have been with my current bf for 5 years now. Which he might be an ex soon. He keeps going online and hooking up with all kinds of women. I don't know if he meet anyone in person. But its clear he talking through email and even over the phone to them. Just late last night I got a bad feeling that maybe he was up to something. After telling me he wanted to be with me, when I caught him last time doing the same thing. This time there was a married woman and they were professing their love to one another. Back and forth and I felt so ill. I have always told him to be honest with me and that if he wants to do all that online garbage. Then maybe its time for him to move on and he instead tells me that he wants to work it out. How can it work out if he keeps going online and doing all this???? He is just like my ex-husband and I told him what happened with him and how I learned to get around on a computer and found what I did. And telling him that I didn't want to go through that garbage again. What the heck is wrong with some guys that they keep doing things like that???? The married woman was to much to blame as anyone else and she protrayed herself as being a happily married person in her profile that I discovered. Through their emails and through his profile from the sports quiz site. They turned a sports quiz site in a hook up. And he was talking to 2 other women, as well. I feel ill and just disgusted.
 
July 30, 2009, 9:44 am CDT

Trust Issue

I have been in a relationship with "J" for about 2 years now. However lately I feel that he doesn't love me as much as I may want him to. The reason for this is his female friend "C". He has told me many times that she is his best friend and that he loves us both equally just differently. I guess to me I always felt deep down that I should be loved more, not equally to her. I feel that sometimes the only difference that sets us apart is that he sleeps with me. He's told me recently that sometimes there are things he wants to talk to me about and its at the tip of his tongue but he is unable to because I'm not as girly or as talkative or as into the things he's into as much. I felt hurt because that's just my personality and I know that his friend "C" is just like the description he described. To me its like if he ever found himself attracted to her then that it, the relationship is over. Am I getting too paranoid and overthinking about this. Please really need some advice.
 
August 13, 2009, 6:56 pm CDT

can't figure him out!!

ok..I'll make this short and sweet. I met this guy, great guy great career never been married no children same age as myself. We went out 5 times in 6 weeks. Each date got better and better. He would text me a couple times a week. Then out of hte blue, the texts became less and less and he wasn't planning any more dates with me. Previously, he had lived with a girl for 4 years. He said when he broke up with her, she started acting crazy..stalking, harrassing, etc... She then somehow got my cell number and would call me and just hang up. Now even her calls have stopped. So finally I got up the nerve to ask him what was up. He said he was going through a very serious crisis involving his ex..apparently she has some old dirt on him that could get him into serious trouble with work. He is a doctor. So I say to him..look is this is your way of telling me you don't want to see each other anymore, it's ok, i understand. He said that was not it. He said that this is how he handles his stress, by shuting down, isolating everyone. He said he was sorry for not calling and that he would keep in touch. Now we agreed not to be exclusive so he does not really owe me anything so I don't get why his crisis would make him not want to talk to me, see me etc.. i want to believe him, but I can't help but analyze every word and think he just didn't want to hurt my feelings and is making it up.. why wouldn't he have just taken the out when i gave it to him?? Any insight would be great! Thanks all!
 
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