My delimma is probably similar to many others here, but after reading other stories have not yet found enough similarities to form my own advice. So I ask it of those of you who have it to give.
I am a 29 year old sinlge mother of three little boys (10, 9, 8). I was in two previous long term emotionally abusive relationships (five and six years), my boys are all from the man in the first one. After the end of the second one I was very determined not to worry about finding that one great "normal" relationship, and was in fact quite relaxed with being on my own and not in "need" of a relationship. I had decided to go back to college and get the education I had always wanted, this is when I met "Mr. Right".
I met Tim in the book store the first day of the quarter. We ended up talking to one another for an hour and a half while waiting in line. Then he carried my books and walked me to my car. We did not exchange phone numbers and had an awkward time of saying good-bye. I aggonized the whole way home as to whether I should have offered my number, as the conversation was quite stimulating and I hated for it to end. As it turned out I ran into him again at the end of the same week after working out at the gym on campus, he said he had been looking for me all week and even given his number to a girl that was in one of my classes to give to me. In short, he told me that he had enjoyed our conversation, hadn't wanted it to end and wanted to know if we could continue it. We did continue the conversation and became inseperable.
We have been dating for over a year now, always talk every day. He has an 11 yr old daughter, and we have all (Tim, myself, my boys, his daughter) spent a lot of time together. We spent the whole summer together while our children were with their other parents for the summer. Things were wonderful the whole time.
Now the problem is this; though we are able to talk about almost anything and tell each other everything, we have not been able to breech the subject of OUR relationship. When we are together I have no doubts about how he feels about me, though he never says, when not together I want for him to give me confirmation. We are compatable in every area, and have the same furture goals in mind as far as career, though they are different careers. Tim is very good to me in many ways that I had never experienced with the other two men. But....I am very afraid of being hurt again and so to bring to light me feelings for him I wrote Tim a letter telling all, even pointing out that I am very emotionally invested in this relationship and would like to know his feelings as I don't want to keep investing if he doesn't share me feelings. He did not answer my letter and when I asked him about it would only reply that he "feels the same way about every point in the letter". Now, me being a detailed planner, this was not sufficient for me, I have to know things. I let the matter drop for a time before bringing it up again. When I did bring it up again I asked him straight out I he loves me. He was very evasive in his answer saying that love is a four letter word for poets. I called him on it and he still evaded answering. I asked him if he planned on just dating forever, or if he ever wanted to move into something more permanent. He would not answer that either. In the end he told me that women tend to express their feelings too soon, and is he supposed to know his feelings after only a year?, and he no longer listens to his heart, and that he would answer all my questions when is "good and ready". Let me note here that Tim's previous marriage ended 5 years ago and the they were together for 13 yrs and married for 5 of those. She got pregnant to keep the relationship, pushed for marriage, then was the one to leave and try to take all she could.
I am not pushing to move-in together or get married right away (though I would like to), I just want to know that he is serious, and what his feelings are. How long do I give him to answer? Or what to do to get him to talk? Sorry this is so long, hope anybody might have some kind of insight. If anybody has anything, please let me know, if you need more info to help get more of an idea how things are with us (beyond this question) I will be happy to share.
Thanks to all who read and reply. Tonya
