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Topic : Communication

Number of Replies: 2186
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:06:47 pm
Author : dataimport
Good communication between partners can make or break a relationship. Share your tips and stories.

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October 21, 2005, 10:53 am CDT

Communication

Quote From: cgrant_18

I have been dating my boyfriend for about 4 months.  I had known him for a couple years before we started dating because of mutual friends.  Well, last night I found out that a little over a year ago he was sleeping with a girl from work....while he had a girlfriend and she had a boyfriend.  I know for a fact that he did not want to be with this girlfriend and didn't know how to breakup with her but that doesn't make the cheating right. 

When we got together I asked him if he had ever cheated on any of his girlfriends and he said he had in highshool but that was it.  I later asked him if he had ever dated anyone from work (I knew all these people well) and he said no. 

Well my question is this....even though the cheating happened before me should I forgive it?  I mean he did in fact lie to me when I asked him about his past.   

I believe that he wouldn't do this to me...I truly believe that people can change.  Am I being naive? 

Please, any advice is welcome. 

 I have been in a relationship for about as long as you and was friends with her before as well, and we recently have come to some communication issues like you have.  basically lying or not telling the "full" truth.  Mostly its been me and I admit that.  But when I don't admit something I know I did I think I got away with it.  He knows what he did and he's just keeping it from you.  Why he is is the question here.  Does he still have feelings for her?  What really does think about about her?  What is he true feelings for you?  Is he afraid you'll get hurt?  Is he trying to "protect" you?  himself?  her?  This is what goes on in a guys head...one of these questions is the answer. 

I also believe a cheater can change but please be careful because I'd hate to see another person hurt my cheating and the feelings of "why" that comes with it.  Just find out why he isnt telling you things and just stress the imoprtance of open communication. having an open communication policy is what helps my relationship and could help yours.
 
October 21, 2005, 5:24 pm CDT

I have been that girl...

Quote From: kdpodus

I have been dating my girlfriend for about 1 year and 8 months. Im 25 and she is 24. About a month ago, we took a break from our relationship because we were having some issues that we needed to think about. In addition, she was (and still is) tied up in all sorts of very unfortunate family conflicts. A couple of weeks later, we both realized that we missed each other and that if we really wanted to help our relationship, then we would have to work the issues our together. After all, relationship issues cannot be helped if two people run away from each other. This is her first serious relationship, while this is my third. She has had several 2-week to 1-month sexual relationships, but never any serious ones. Our main problem is that we are simply in different places in our ability to handle intimacy. We get along amazingly, but whenever we get into situations where we have to become vulnerable, she shuts down. This has mostly affected our physical relationship; basically, I make love, she has intercourse. We used to have sex all the time, but she would never respond well to affectionate physical advances. She likes to be dominated, controlled, and taken. Trust me, I like to do that sometimes but thats ALL she wants. She doesnt respond to truly intimate sex. Whenever I say I love you during sex, she doesnt say anything. Whenever I try to look her in the eyes, she closes her eyes and looks away. When I tried to talk about it with her, she said that she has never had meaningful sex before. She said she would have sex just to have it, not even because she liked it. She says about her previous relationships, he wanted to have sex with me, so I let him have sex with me. When she was in high school, she would do all kinds of sexual things (orgies in her basement, etc.), but never have sex. Anyways, how can I be aggressive an dominate in bed when I dont even feel like Im part of the moment??? I feel like a masturbation tool for her. Why not just remove me from the situation and replace me with, say, a sex toy?? As of now, we are not having sex. We cuddle and things like that, but we dont have any serious intimate contact, and she doesnt like to talk about. This is requiring her to become vulnerable, so she is shutting down. Our problem is not necessarily about the sex - its about the communication. We talk about her personal issues, which I appreciate making me a part of, but we dont talk about OUR issues. When we dont talk about our issues, I dont feel like her boyfriend anymore. I dont feel like a partner to her, which is what adult relationships should be about. In fact, I feel kind of like Ive been fooled like Ive been tricked into longing for something that was never there to begin with. Whereas I thought our intimacy was about love, I now realize that it is about something entirely different for her. I feel a space forming between us, and Im not okay with that. Its all starting to spill over into other parts of her relationship its often makes me generally insecure about our relationship, and makes me more prone to become jealous about really stupid things. I love her dearly, and I dont want this to tear our relationship apart. The problem is so fixable if only she would be willing to talk about on a consistent basis. Any advice??

I can see the situation from both sides of the fence on this one. Her issue is the same as one that I have fought over and over, and still do. I still find myself "just having sex" instead of "making love" to my boyfriend....it's a feeling that is hard to explain. It doesnt mean I love him any less, or that the intamacy isn't there, it's just hard to show. My problem is my own insecurities. I have a hard time taking any control in fear of being good enough, or what he will think. It has been a constant struggle for acceptance and it sounds like she is having the same issue. It explains the past that is similar to my high school past too....doing things just to feel accepted.  

What I did when I finally accepted that I needed to work on this, was talk to my boyfriend...very openly. We have reached a wonderful middle ground. When we are intimate he talks to me non stop. He is constantly asking me what mood I am in. Some days I feel more confident and can take a little more control. Which I must say is still very vunerable, but I trust him so I try, and each time it gets easier. What helps is that whenever he feels me take control, he is a nonstop compliment. Always telling me how wonderful I am, how good I make him feel, just little sighs and movements to let me know that I am ok, that I am loved, and that I am not making a fool out of myself taking control. It's ALL about CONFIDENCE.  

 
October 21, 2005, 7:11 pm CDT

He loves me?...He loves me not?

  My delimma is probably similar to many others here, but after reading other stories have not yet found enough similarities to form my own advice.   So I ask it of those of you who have it to give. 

  I am a 29 year old sinlge mother of three little boys (10, 9, 8).  I was in two previous long term emotionally abusive relationships (five and six years), my boys are all from the man in the first one.  After the end of the second one I was very determined not to worry about finding that one great "normal" relationship, and was in fact quite relaxed with being on my own and not in "need" of a relationship.  I had decided to go back to college and get the education I had always wanted, this is when I met "Mr. Right".  

  I met Tim in the book store the first day of the quarter.  We ended up talking to one another for an hour and a half while waiting in line.  Then he carried my books and walked me to my car.  We did not exchange phone numbers and had an awkward time of saying good-bye.  I aggonized the whole way home as to whether I should have offered my number, as the conversation was quite stimulating and I hated for it to end.  As it turned out I ran into him again at the end of the same week after working out at the gym on campus, he said he had been looking for me all week and even given his number to a girl that was in one of my classes to give to me.  In short, he told me that he had enjoyed our conversation, hadn't wanted it to end and wanted to know if we could continue it.  We did continue the conversation and became inseperable. 

  We have been dating for over a year now, always talk every day.  He has an 11 yr old daughter, and we have all (Tim, myself, my boys, his daughter) spent a lot of time together.  We spent the whole summer together while our children were with their other parents for the summer.  Things were wonderful the whole time. 

  Now the problem is this; though we are able to talk about almost anything and tell each other everything, we have not been able to breech the subject of OUR relationship.  When we are together I have no doubts about how he feels about me, though he never says, when not together I want for him to give me confirmation.  We are compatable in every area, and have the same furture goals in mind as far as career, though they are different careers.   Tim is very good to me in many ways that I had never experienced with the other two men.  But....I am very afraid of being hurt again and so to bring to light me feelings for him I wrote Tim a letter telling all, even pointing out that I am very emotionally invested in this relationship and would like to know his feelings as I don't want to keep investing if he doesn't share me feelings.  He did not answer my letter and when I asked him about it would only reply that he "feels the same way about every point in the letter".  Now, me being a detailed planner, this was not sufficient for me, I have to know things.  I let the matter drop for a time before bringing it up again.  When I did bring it up again I asked him straight out I he loves me.  He was very evasive in his answer saying that love is a four letter word for poets.  I called him on it and he still evaded answering.  I asked him if he planned on just dating forever, or if he ever wanted to move into something more permanent.  He would not answer that either.  In the end he told me that women tend to express their feelings too soon, and is he supposed to know his feelings after only a year?, and he no longer listens to his heart, and that he would answer all my questions when is "good and ready".  Let me note here that Tim's previous marriage ended 5 years ago and the they were together for 13 yrs and married for 5 of those.  She got pregnant to keep the relationship, pushed for marriage, then was the one to leave and try to take all she could.   

  I am not pushing to move-in together or get married right away (though I would like to), I just want to know that he is serious, and what his feelings are. How long do I give him to answer?  Or what to do to get him to talk?  Sorry this is so long, hope anybody might have some kind of insight.  If anybody has anything, please let me know, if you need more info to help get more of an idea how things are with us (beyond this question) I will be happy to share. 

  Thanks to all who read and reply.  Tonya 

   

 
October 27, 2005, 10:37 am CDT

Baby :)

Quote From: deziree

Hello!my name is deziree and i just had a baby on sept 23rd 2005.  I am currently in a relationship with my boyfriend and during the time i was pregnant i only seen him 5 times one time it was a whole weekend the rest they were over night.  I didn't see until after the baby was born and that was when my baby was 2weeks.  He has a daughter from his previous relationship and i know he's close to her and she needs him cuz she's 9 yrs old. But he see's her every weekend and never has time for my baby and has only seen him twice and my baby is 3wks old.  He did not tell his daughter about my baby because he says it will hurt her cuz shes spoiled. IS THAT DENYING MY BABY?  When i my baby saw him for the first time it was great then he tells me i have to go home cuz his daughter is coming and he sees her every weekend and sometimes for weeks and he never saw our son and we have to leave then to top it off he decides to tell me "make sure that i don't leave anything of the babys at his house because she's coming.........It hurts because this is my son and he's his first son and not i dont know what to do  

Sometimes guys just need time...other times the guys will never warm to the situation. If your baby is only 4 weeks old you have more things to worry about, put all your effort into worry about the baby rather than him and just see what happens. Maybe he will come around and maybe he won't but make sure your baby is not missing out on time with her mom because her mom is trying to get her dad to spend time with her.  

If it helps set up a specific day a week where the dad can come over and spend time with the baby. That way he might make the extra effort to be there for the baby. On days that it is not his time, use your discression. If you already have plans to take your baby somewhere say, "no not today but tomorrow at 12 works for me..." or something like that! 

I hope that helps, good luck with your baby!!! 

 
October 27, 2005, 11:57 am CDT

Is Power a Factor in RELATIONSHIPS?

 I just wanted to know what others thought about this question. Is power a major factor in relationships and why? I have done some research and now I need other peoples idea.
 
October 27, 2005, 12:03 pm CDT

Communication

Quote From: vateen

Sometimes guys just need time...other times the guys will never warm to the situation. If your baby is only 4 weeks old you have more things to worry about, put all your effort into worry about the baby rather than him and just see what happens. Maybe he will come around and maybe he won't but make sure your baby is not missing out on time with her mom because her mom is trying to get her dad to spend time with her.  

If it helps set up a specific day a week where the dad can come over and spend time with the baby. That way he might make the extra effort to be there for the baby. On days that it is not his time, use your discression. If you already have plans to take your baby somewhere say, "no not today but tomorrow at 12 works for me..." or something like that! 

I hope that helps, good luck with your baby!!! 

I feel that your son father should be ashamed of himself. Let him know how you feel and make you you tell him to not put his son off for anything. I understand he has a daughter, but he needs to understand he has a son also. Not allowing his daughter to know the real truth is only going to hurt in a long run. She is old enough to understand. He needs to stop "babying" her.  

 
October 29, 2005, 5:18 pm CDT

Help!!!

Hi there.  I apologize if my issue is not a typical communication problem, but its the closest thing to it.  I have been dating this girl for only a month and a half, we get together quite often, and I am absolutely crazy about her...realizing that we are not going steady, it doesn't surprise me that sometimes she acts as though she wants...well, space..for example..we went out last wednesday and had a great time, but I have not seen her since..and its saturday...and, I assume that this is normal.   I'm usually not this preoccupied with someone, expecially after only dating for such a short while.  Is there something wrong with me?  How do I express to her that I want to be with her without seeming clingy/ or like I'm jumping the gun?  While she has voluntarily told me that she isn't dating anyone else (and I believe her), I feel really uneasy about whats going on..maybe I'm reading too much into it?  At this point, I can' t tell.....feed back please!!!
 
October 30, 2005, 5:04 am CST

IS HE ATTRACTED TO ME

I have noticed this guy at work (He's married). He spoke to me one day, and ever since we've been saying hi and smiling at one another. I've watched for signs, after he'd been trying to talk to me. I think I've lead on as I'm not interested, but I am. I'm afraid to talk to him, and now he doesn't try to talk, but he will smile and wave as he's been doing. I find him staring at me all the time. I'm not sure what to do.  

 
October 30, 2005, 8:06 pm CST

Abusive Relationships

I have a great success rate of choosing strong, ambitious, angry men. The last two in particular had core issues with their fathers being completely emotionally unavailable, physically abusive, and down right nasty to their mothers.  It rolled over into our relationship. I am strong in my opinions yet have the heart the size of the universe. I think I can fight back with my "emotional knowledge" and also have this great desire to love and protect them. "FIXER".  The problem has been  I am being abused! Verbally, physically, mentally, manipulated, controlled with money so on and so on.   

My husband and I were married for almost 10 years.  I did everything in my power (read, went to counseling, jumped through hoops..I tried everything.  He wouldn't move far from the tree.) We divorced.  I became done.  He became involved within 3 months of our broken marriage and seems completely fine. His cycle will repeat I am convinced.  

I started dating 1 year after our divorce.  I successfully found the exact same man from the negative stand point and  from the positive side found myself completely immersed in his soul and him into mine.  The issue began when I started seeing the red flags, when boundries were crossed, and I felt like I was in a dejavu.  Fear set in and I became passive agressive. I truly have in my mind that this man has the ability and desire to be good.  I have heard him say he wants to real in his manipulating and controlling behavior, but he's waiting for me to treat him with respect and like I am completely in love with him.(how it looked in the beginning).  He has shown me his ass. He has shown me complete rage.  He has shown me that I have the potential of getting right back into where I was with my marriage. I in turn have kept one foot off the rug and allowed myself to only give what I had to to maintain some contact.  ( I still enjoyed the attention and fun of it). The relationship has died but we can not seem to get over talking to each other.  He continues to call and investigate my activities that don't include him (yes, I am dating others).  It has become obsessive and out of control.  I would love nothing more then our relationship to have a different reality.  We both visually can see it and describe it, but can't seem to put it into forward motion. Pain has immobilized both of us.  We are 40's.  THE BIG QUESTION;   Can people change? Once abuse has been crossed in a relationship do you forgive?  Once cheating has been crossed in a relationship do you forgive?  

 
November 1, 2005, 1:59 am CST

Can we get through this?

Hey, I have a problem that im completely confused and frustrated with... 

  

I have been with my boyfriend for just over a year now and things have been going great, I was even planning on moving to the city to live with him after christmas. But i dont know if i can anymore... Heres the problem:  

Before him i had been with someone else for four years but when i met my current boyfriend i knew he was the one. But the thing is, he just cant get over the fact i have a "past". He keeps thinking about it, which just pushes me away and makes me feel like im not worthy of him, beacause i'm a normal person who has an ex (that i have no contact with now).  

  

I just dont know what to do. I want to help him through this so we can move on and continue to have a happy relationship, but i dont know how to. He doesnt really think its a problem and thinks that by trying not to think about it or talk to me about it, it will go away. 

  

Should I break up with him and lose everything we have over this or should i help him? and if so, how? 

Please help me... 

 
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