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November 1, 2005, 9:58 am PST

Can't get over the hump

For the past few years I have met and dated this lady who I have known for over 14 years. We are both Been divorced 2 times. We Started seeing each other about 2 years ago and everything was going great. About 6 months into the relationship she became distant from me. She really didn't give me a reason on why or what made her this way. I think I'm a nice guy . I always put her and her children needs above mine. We parted ways on good terms. I finally had gotten over her when I recieved a call from our friend and she invited me to come to a party and I was told she would be there. I was very nervious about going because of the feelings I still had for her but I did Go. At the party I talked to everyone and to her and stayed behind my wall that I had built from the last meeting. Well I left. All night long she called and Texted me saying that we needed to talk. This wasn't something I wanted to do. Few weeks had passed and we began talking and I was gaining my trust back. We started doing small dates nothin major. Hanging out talking. One day she told me we really needed to talk. So I went. She talked about the year we were apart and what had happen and who she was dating during that time. She mention that I was too nice and she wasn't use to that which I took it as a cop out. We talked about the guy who she dated and that he really didn't have a relationship with her children. We shared a tear or 2. Well a few weeks had passed I thought everythng was going ok . I left messages , Called and left note hoping to get her attention but she was slowly becoming distant from me again. I'm the type of person who has learned to try to talk out what I feel. I tried with her and what I got was OMG not again. She told me she was fine but her action were saying something different. It Was Just like last time. I'm running out of options should I be nice or should I move on. I believe that our paths keep crossing for a reason but I really am tired of the hurt. HELP

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lcso298

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November 1, 2005, 10:08 am PST

Will giving up make it better

Quote From: halez_nz

Hey, I have a problem that im completely confused and frustrated with...

I have been with my boyfriend for just over a year now and things have been going great, I was even planning on moving to the city to live with him after christmas. But i dont know if i can anymore... Heres the problem:

Before him i had been with someone else for four years but when i met my current boyfriend i knew he was the one. But the thing is, he just cant get over the fact i have a "past". He keeps thinking about it, which just pushes me away and makes me feel like im not worthy of him, beacause i'm a normal person who has an ex (that i have no contact with now).

I just dont know what to do. I want to help him through this so we can move on and continue to have a happy relationship, but i dont know how to. He doesnt really think its a problem and thinks that by trying not to think about it or talk to me about it, it will go away.

Should I break up with him and lose everything we have over this or should i help him? and if so, how?

Please help me...

They may be a larger problem here. He sounds like he has a confident problem within himself. What is it about your past he can't get over. Thats the question is why can't he let it go and grow with you . We all have past and instead of holding the past against someone we need to use the past to grow and learn from it so we won't re visit the past. If he can't sit down and tell you what he feels maybe you need to back up and put your plans of moving in on hold. Untill you can solve that problem it will creat more. Good Luck

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lcso298

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November 1, 2005, 10:39 am PST

You have to break the cycle

Quote From: oopsydaisy

I have a great success rate of choosing strong, ambitious, angry men. The last two in particular had core issues with their fathers being completely emotionally unavailable, physically abusive, and down right nasty to their mothers. It rolled over into our relationship. I am strong in my opinions yet have the heart the size of the universe. I think I can fight back with my "emotional knowledge" and also have this great desire to love and protect them. "FIXER". The problem has been I am being abused! Verbally, physically, mentally, manipulated, controlled with money so on and so on.

My husband and I were married for almost 10 years. I did everything in my power (read, went to counseling, jumped through hoops..I tried everything. He wouldn't move far from the tree.) We divorced. I became done. He became involved within 3 months of our broken marriage and seems completely fine. His cycle will repeat I am convinced.

I started dating 1 year after our divorce. I successfully found the exact same man from the negative stand point and from the positive side found myself completely immersed in his soul and him into mine. The issue began when I started seeing the red flags, when boundries were crossed, and I felt like I was in a dejavu. Fear set in and I became passive agressive. I truly have in my mind that this man has the ability and desire to be good. I have heard him say he wants to real in his manipulating and controlling behavior, but he's waiting for me to treat him with respect and like I am completely in love with him.(how it looked in the beginning). He has shown me his ass. He has shown me complete rage. He has shown me that I have the potential of getting right back into where I was with my marriage. I in turn have kept one foot off the rug and allowed myself to only give what I had to to maintain some contact. ( I still enjoyed the attention and fun of it). The relationship has died but we can not seem to get over talking to each other. He continues to call and investigate my activities that don't include him (yes, I am dating others). It has become obsessive and out of control. I would love nothing more then our relationship to have a different reality. We both visually can see it and describe it, but can't seem to put it into forward motion. Pain has immobilized both of us. We are 40's. THE BIG QUESTION; Can people change? Once abuse has been crossed in a relationship do you forgive? Once cheating has been crossed in a relationship do you forgive?

I work in Law enforcement. I seen the Domestic Violence almost Daily . It the same problem over and over .No matter if it's a man or a woman who is in the abussive relationship they can't over come their fears. The Victim has to make their Own choices on what they want. Can people change? Sure . If The man really loves his wife and they have problems it left up to him to find the place in his heart to change his actions. DO you forgive? Thats tough. I don't think you will ever forget what has happen but you have to find a place to forgive so that both of you can talk regain that trust . He has to earn your trust back with his actions but at the same time you have to slowly give that person the encouragement that he may need to make it seems that he he doing something right. Your actions will encourage his actions if both are positive. Relationship are built on , Friendships , Trust and Love. We all make mistakes the ones who learn from those mistakes and can apply those mistake and turn them into a positive are the ones worth keeping.

Hope this helps you. I know it tough trusting after your heart has been broken but we all have to make a choice. Follow your heart and pay attention to the actions.

Good Luck

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lcso298

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November 1, 2005, 10:44 am PST

Power = controll

Quote From: sphoustn

I just wanted to know what others thought about this question. Is power a major factor in relationships and why? I have done some research and now I need other peoples idea.

Relationships are built on Freindship, Trust and Love. When power comes into play it turns into controll and perhaps abuse. Someone who has power will never compromise but instead they will control and control turns into angry and abuse.

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lcso298

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November 1, 2005, 10:52 am PST

What is = in your heart

Quote From: newman

I've been in a relationship for 3 years and the question came up, who is more important in your heart my girlfriend or my family. I have been close to my family my whole life and I feel that they are the most important thing to me. My girlfriend cannot except that, she need to have me say that they are equal. Am I wrong in this situtation.

Family are important. Question to you is , You would do things for a family member that you would not do for a friend. Correct? So ask yourself Is your girlfriend a member of your family that you love or is she just a friend. You have to make a decision on the relationship you have with her. If the your feeling are that of Love yes she may be equal . If it's not you're friends

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derek18

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November 1, 2005, 2:39 pm PST

Arguements almost ALL the time

First I'd like to point out that I start the arguements, i dont mean to, i dont look for them to happen, they just happen, and they are always temporary, but however they do repeat themselves often. I wish to stop, by all means any way i can, i do not wish to lose the wonderful girl that i adore so much(forgot to mention it at the beginning). She lives in another state, we seen eachother on webcams and talked on phone at same time. But everything is fine and dandy except for the arguements, i feel its ruining us, and it needs to stop, no? I also feel that i am the one starting them, so should i be the one to try and prevent them? But some of the things we argue about... is stuff like me asking questions...questions like, "Where you going?"(for when shes leaving somewhere, scared something might happen), "What are you going to be doing?"(incase something did happen id like to know what she was doing that made it happen), "Who are you going to be with?"(i ask this incase if its with a guy, im very protective). She feels that i act like her father sometimes, but i say i just care so much for her, and incase something ever happend id liek to know what/where/why. Is it possible to care to much? or am i obsessed? am i a little over protective?or do i have lack of trust in her? I wish to know what to do about the arguements, i have came up a way myself but im not sure if it will work, to avoid asking questions is the way i came up with.

I came here for help, and i hope to god someone can help/give advice, i appreciate it if anyone does or if you just took the time to read, i care alot for her, id give my life for her, please give advice/help to me to my email adress, i appreciate it alot... im desperate to stop the arguements!

Email: filthyfry@gmail.com
ps. I am 18 yrs old, and i know some people are going to be like "your young yet you ahve your whole life to find someone else, so move on" I know this because people that i talk to said it. I will reply to any emails sent there, thanks!

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princessa

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November 2, 2005, 3:38 am PST

Communication

Quote From: derek18

First I'd like to point out that I start the arguements, i dont mean to, i dont look for them to happen, they just happen, and they are always temporary, but however they do repeat themselves often. I wish to stop, by all means any way i can, i do not wish to lose the wonderful girl that i adore so much(forgot to mention it at the beginning). She lives in another state, we seen eachother on webcams and talked on phone at same time. But everything is fine and dandy except for the arguements, i feel its ruining us, and it needs to stop, no? I also feel that i am the one starting them, so should i be the one to try and prevent them? But some of the things we argue about... is stuff like me asking questions...questions like, "Where you going?"(for when shes leaving somewhere, scared something might happen), "What are you going to be doing?"(incase something did happen id like to know what she was doing that made it happen), "Who are you going to be with?"(i ask this incase if its with a guy, im very protective). She feels that i act like her father sometimes, but i say i just care so much for her, and incase something ever happend id liek to know what/where/why. Is it possible to care to much? or am i obsessed? am i a little over protective?or do i have lack of trust in her? I wish to know what to do about the arguements, i have came up a way myself but im not sure if it will work, to avoid asking questions is the way i came up with.

I came here for help, and i hope to god someone can help/give advice, i appreciate it if anyone does or if you just took the time to read, i care alot for her, id give my life for her, please give advice/help to me to my email adress, i appreciate it alot... im desperate to stop the arguements!

Email: filthyfry@gmail.com
ps. I am 18 yrs old, and i know some people are going to be like "your young yet you ahve your whole life to find someone else, so move on" I know this because people that i talk to said it. I will reply to any emails sent there, thanks!

Hi there,

Relationship has never been an easy thing. But it is very interesting. Your girlfriend is probably only someone who has the urge to be an Independent woman. I think she would like to have a freedom. And you could be a possesive. I don't know how serious your relationship with her, but it wouldn't be hurt to find out. Don't be worry to ask her about it. At least, you'd be able to decide your position and launch your actions about it. Goodluck...

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derek18

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November 2, 2005, 4:21 am PST

arugments..

Quote From: princessa

Hi there,

Relationship has never been an easy thing. But it is very interesting. Your girlfriend is probably only someone who has the urge to be an Independent woman. I think she would like to have a freedom. And you could be a possesive. I don't know how serious your relationship with her, but it wouldn't be hurt to find out. Don't be worry to ask her about it. At least, you'd be able to decide your position and launch your actions about it. Goodluck...

Well, Yesterday, after i thought i figured out how to stop them, i did what i said i would(not ask things) and she noticed that and it impressed her,i do believe she wants to be independent... atleast that seems like the case... but i know im obsessed with her, i know it can be a good/bad thing depending how one looks at it,this is by far the longest relationship have had, in a long time, it was like 10 or 11 months long, compared to 1month 1 week... im serious about her, i care for her, and i would do anything for her! She always says how shes a horrible person, and puts her self down with "im not pretty but thanks" whenever i compliment her, she said all her life shes been put down by her dad(from what i remember) she said he always called her trash, and other very mean words. i dont like that much at all, i never did, i try to treat her they way she deserves... i treat her like a queen... and she likes that, i always try to put her first in my life, even though we are so far apart! But i dont mind, i waited this long i can wait longer, i just wish there was something someone can do to help out, i know if i could, id go there in a heartbeat, but im unable to. i known her for almost a year now, i think its ok to meet someone once ya known them for that long, but thanks for your...words i appreciate it.. thanks i gotta go byes =)

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amylynn20

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November 4, 2005, 3:10 pm PST

Baby that doesnt know who the father is......

Well i have been dating a name named Shane for almost a year. He is the from a family of 5 boys. His youngest brother is married and has 3 kids. Ever since i have been dating Shane his brothers wife i have notice has an infachuation with Shane. Before we started going out she used to call him all the time and go over to his house. Crystal and her husband were going through a bad time and she needed someone to talk too. So Shane was the only person that would listen to her. Well when we started going out she really didnt call him alot well one night she call him in the middle of the night just to tell him that she loved him and that she was thinking about him. Well i was alittle mad by this message she left and i told him about it he said that is just the way she is. They were family. So he acted like nothing was going on, and that i shouldn't worry about it. well last weekend was halloween and crystal and her husband invited us to there halloween party with like 20 other people we decided not to go and i am glad we did. On sunday crystal call Shane and told him that she needed to talk to him in private so i left the room i ask him when he came back what that was all about he said the crystal found out that George had slept with her sister before they were married. Well in her defense she had told George that he slept with his brother and their youngest daughter might not be his. Well then she played it off like she was just joking and George believed her. Well last night i came home from work and Shane was in a really bad mood i go did you have a bad day he said yes, i asked him what was wrong he said there was alot of things on his mind i go like what. He said something that happened alone time ago with Crystal. i said oh really he said that when Crystal and George were having a bad time that she was always coming over to his house and calling him on the phone well i guess one night one thing led to another and they ended up having sex. Well after that she found out she was pregnant. She told Shane that neither one of them were supposed to tell anyone ever this was a go to your grave secret. Well she called Shane on monday and told him that she couldnt keep lying to George about this she had to tell him the truth. Well that is when Shane decided to tell me about this so that i wouldnt have to find out from someone else. Welll i didnt really bother me that they did anything because i had a feeling that they did, but it really bothered me that he wants me to be his best friend but yet he never told me about this tell everyone else know. I told him that i would be right here beside his no matter what happened. well i guess that George wants a patenaty test to find out who is the father. Shane told me that if it is his he wants to take care of it. Which i understand it will just be a really different situation. If it isnt his maybe Crystal willl finally get over that fact the Shane doesnt want anything to do with her and that she needs to concentrate more on her marriage then n e thing else. Crystal had told Shane when she first found out that she was pregnant that she hope that it was his because if it wasnt she would be mad. I just dont know what to do n e more.

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smile_4me

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quiet

November 7, 2005, 8:53 pm PST

Is it me or him?

M and I have been together for 9 months. We have lived together pretty much our entire relationship. I'm 21 and he is 26. However, because him and I usually work opposite hours, my time with him is precious to me. If I'm doing something, I'm willing to give it up to later, and spend time with him. Well he doesn't. Tonite is a good example. He was playing this Nintendo DS hand held game thingy for 3 hours. Those 3 hours, I was asking him repeatedly to spend time with me. Pay attention to my words. He was on autopilot and admitted it. So when I finally give up and turn on the Xbox to entertain myself, he put the nintedo DS away knowing full well that I would turn the Xbox off to spend time with him. THen I get upset and explain to him why I am upset, but he doesn't listen. Instead he gets all reomantic kissing me and such knowing I'll enjoy it. I just don't feel like he values my time or me for that matter. Any suggestions??

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Message Boards

Topic : Communication

Can't get over the hump

Will giving up make it better

You have to break the cycle

Power = controll

What is = in your heart

Arguements almost ALL the time

Communication

arugments..

Baby that doesnt know who the father is......

Is it me or him?