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Topic : Communication

Number of Replies: 2186
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:06:47 pm
Author : dataimport
Good communication between partners can make or break a relationship. Share your tips and stories.

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November 15, 2005, 4:10 pm CST

parents

Quote From: wf_texas

I started dating my boyfriend when he was in the middle of a divorce. He has a son, and at the time of his divorce, his son was 4 1/2 years old. I wasn't especially close to his son, but we got along and had fun times. After 6 months of dating he asked me to move in and I did so hesitantly (I had always told myself I wouldn't do that). We talked about getting married and even went so far as to discuss a date which was about a year after I had moved in. After 9 months of living together his ex-wife emails him and asks for another chance. He tells me that he feels extremely guilty for not trying to work things out with his ex and that he owed it to his son to try. I knew he was only doing it for his son – and I didn’t agree with him, but I didn’t fight it – I left quickly – and moved a few hours away. 9 months later he calls me and tells me that he loves me and misses me. I asked about his ex-wife and he said that no matter how much tries he can’t make himself love her, but he didn’t know what was going to happen. 5 days later his ex-wife said it was obviously not working between them and ended the relationship. 2 months later I moved back. I’ve bought a house. We are dating again. I told him that I would not live with him again unless it was as husband and wife. My heartache now is that I only see him during the week and on the weekends that he doesn’t have his son. This really hurts – it makes me feel like 1.) it speaks of the commitment he is making, or in this case, not making to me and 2.) he thinks my being in the picture will impact his son in a negative way. I am torn. I truly know, feel & believe that he loves me – I never doubted it when we broke up. I feel enough time has passed and he should talk to his son about me. He & his ex-wife have been broken up for 5-6 months now (they didn’t remarry, though she tried pushing him into marriage for a 2nd time). I’ve been back for 3-4 moths. Whenever I bring up him talking to his son, we end up fighting about it. I don’t know what to do. I love him with all my heart. On one hand I think I deserve more, but then I think I need to be patient, and I will get more. His son has been through a rollercoaster over the past 2+ years – his parents divorcing, then his dad dating me and moving me in, then me moving out and his mom & dad get back together, then break-up a second time. Do I continue to be patient or do I end the relationship? I love this man and he loves me.

  

 

I have two kids and going through a divorce!  I too have a b\f  whom I love and adore.  My kids know him as a friend.  But I usually only see my b\f on the weekdays and weekends that I do not have my kids.  The impact that it would have on my kids would be hard , so I am giving them plenty of time and work it all in slowly.  It's in the best interest of the children.  I have been seperated for 2 yrs and my kids are 11 and 7, which are older than his but I understand where he is coming from.  My b\f does see my kids sometimes when I plan little gatherings at my house or a night bowling with a bunch of friends and their kids, so it is always a surrounding that my kids are comfortable in.  Just give it time, I realize it's hard when you are sitting on the other side.  I know my b\f wants to move quicker but as a Mom, I too worry about my babies.   

Good luck =) 

 
November 15, 2005, 4:13 pm CST

this is beyond you

Quote From: deverik

Hi, I'm a 24 year old man from Washington, I've been dating my girlfriend Alicia for almost 8 months and we've known eachother since 1998.  At first in the relationship she would tell me if something was bothering her, whether it be the fact she's frustrated from the epilepsy medications she's on, or the fact that several other guys would be trying to be with her at the same time we were going out.  Then after she got placed on her new Medication Lamental, this all changed.  Ever since her personality has become increasingly gloomy, moody, and to some extent she shoves me and everyone around her away.  It hurts that even though we have spoken of marriage and spending our lives together that she will not open her heart to me to allow me into her world, and her only reason is "You cannot help, even if I told you."  I've been trying my best to be a good man to her, but it seems the more I try, it makes me look like an %!hole.  Some advice would be great about now, as I don't know what to do.  I don't know how to get her to discuss her problems, since whenever she doesn't discuss them she'll end up cutting her arms and/or legs with razor blades to 'bleed the pain out'  She knows how much this act causes me stress, and I worry constantly about her well being and health.  What is it that I can do?   

She needs profressonal help on her issues.  You are the least of the worries.  She can't open up to you because she can't even handle or deal with her own feelings , emotions and situations so why would she open up, that would make her discuss them ... out loud.  She is scared of opening up to herself, that is how it seems.  

Please get her some help, that is what she needs from you right now! 

 
November 16, 2005, 9:08 am CST

He doesn't communicate compliments

Quote From: izzy54

I am a hispanic woman(51) and dating an American(56) man. We have been together for five months and he is a great friend and lover. My concern is that he is not very expressive with words. He sends me e-mails everyday wishing me a great day with smiley faces and he says to me " I love you" or "love you baby" every day.....but I feel like if he is doing that b/c he has learned through the years that he has to tell his mate "love you". He never says to me things like: you are beautiful(I don't think I am ugly), you have beautiful eyes, I like your body, etc. nor he says anything when we are making love about me or my body. This is making me feel insecure as a woman, which I have never been before because I think I look pretty good for my age. He only says in general comments....you are pretty.....when I dress up to go out, he either does not say anything or he says" you look nice". I am used to a lot of expression as a latin woman and I get a lot of compliments everyday from other people.....they say...you always look so good...you are gorgeous..etc.....even my students say so(yes I am a high school teacher). So, Is this a "gringo" thing" and I am wrong or pretending to receive too much? Besides this, he is really good with me and is always looking after me. I JUST NEED , AS A WOMAN, TO BE TOLD BEATIFULL THINGS.........AM I WRONG DR, PHIL? I HAVE TOLD HIM THIS VARIOUS TIMES............
Hi   I know how you feel.  Please read my message board about a guy who doesn't communicate ANY positive comments to me.  I'm a counselor.  I'd suggest thanking him as positive reinforcement when he does compliment you about your appearance.  I think it's wonderful that he contacts you daily and says he loves you; that is sooo much more than what I'm getting from my boyfriend right now.  By the way, we're both in the same age group.  Best wishes. LindaLuNov
 
November 16, 2005, 3:10 pm CST

kinda apprehensive

Hi.  To make a very long story short, I met my ex husband (we've been separated 14 months now) 8 years ago.  We got married and were for 4 years.  I met a colleague of his within the first 2 years of being with my ex, and I didn't even think twice about him at the time.  Now that I'm separated, I 'met' him again, 5 months ago and we are dating steadily.  I don't think he wants me to tell my ex, but I think I should, at least tell him (my ex) that I am dating someone, he doesn't have to know who it it.  The thing is, the guy I'm dating knows ALL of my ex's colleagues, and his best friend was a former colleague, and we cannot even go out in public because my ex will find out.  The guy I'm seeing is afraid of my ex finding out about us but I want to be able to date someone whenever, wherever I am, even though people fill find out.  I just don't know where to go from here.
 
November 16, 2005, 8:04 pm CST

we are in similar situations.....

Quote From: lindalunov

I've been dating a great guy for three months.  We are exclusively dating and sleeping together.  I trust him and believe he's trustworthy.  He seems to have healthy values, and I think he'd be a good partner for me.  He displays behaviors that shows his interest in me.  (We spend ample time together; he's been reliable and considerate).  He told me he's not good about saying positive things to people, including his children.  My problem is that he does not  provide positive verbal comments nor did he verbally respond when I told him how much I like him and enjoy being with him.  I asked him if he could work upon giving feedback.  His response to me was, "I don't kow."   During conversation with him, he said he does not know what romance nor love is.  (Like me, he's divorced, married only once and was married for a long time).  When asked, he also said he did not know if he loved his ex wife (when they were married).  Should I be running away fast from him???  I'm compelled to say I have herpes virus.  I communicated this to him, after our initial first contact without protection.  For several weeks we had sex without protection with his knowledge about my health condition.  Then when I had an outbreak and communicated such to him, since then we've been using protection, per his request.  I'm mentioning my health condition, because he said my having herpes isn't a "deal breaker" for him.   He also said, he'll wait awhile and have test to determine if he's been exposed to  herpes virus.  Anyway,  I hate when I barter with myself in this way.  I think I should be patient with him (and give this relationship a chance for at least 6-8 months).  Because he continued to stay with me despite my health condition.  And at this point, I really like him. But I don't know if I can suceed in a relationship with a man who doesn't tell me what he's thinking\feeling about being involved with me.  That could be a "deal-breaker" for me.  I'm afraid I'm attracking (again) a man who is emotionally unavailable and\or who truly will not commit to me\our relationship.  Now I'd like feedback from you out there.  Thanks.  

  

Thanks for your response. I read yours, and I am sorry to see that your situation is worst. I do use positive reinforsement when he says something positive, like yesterday, he e-mailed me and said " you looked quite nice this morning for school", I let him know thanks and that I feel good when he says that. But, again, that's all he says......Do you think that we are insecure by wanting/needing to hear at least sometimes that we are beautiful or look beautiful today...or when we are making love that he likes our body our something about our body? Are we asking for too much? Are you sarting to feel insecure? On the other hand they both seem to be good man and there are not that many out there.....
 
November 18, 2005, 6:40 am CST

sorry this is long... but i need some good advice.

I have been dating a man I met on vacation for a year and nine months or so.  He lives in NYC I live in Indiana.  We love each other very much.  Eventually, I would love to live in NYC.  However, the cost of living is MUCH higher in NYC than Indiana.  We decided that he would move to Indiana nearly a year ago so that we could be together.     

  

Here's a little back ground.  I have a beautiful three year old daughter from a previous relationship.  Her father and I seperated four months before I met my bf.  After the seperation, I moved in with my best friend who also recently seperated from her son's father.  We lived as roomates for a year with our children until we were both financially stable to get our own places.  My bf and I talked about me getting my own place with my daughter and getting settled and then he would come and live with us.  He has met my daughter only twice, however they will talk on the phone with each other sometimes.  He loves her and she likes him as well.  It's nice. 

  

On the other hand, I got my own place in May of this year.  It is now November and he still has not come through. There had been some communication problems as we both have been working our selfs to death to be able to be together.  We are working different shifts.  We talked on his lunch hour through the week.  He works second shift and I work first, plus time hour time difference we were on made it a little difficult.  My problem was, it seemed as if after work and on the weekends he would never answer his cell phone.  This led me to be a little insecure.  I am a very confident woman.  The only problem is that I've been cheated on before and I am sensitive to certain things.   

  

Additionally, I went to visit him over New Years this year and on my way home I realized that I had his CD case.  I found a CD a girl made for him.  It said I love you all over the front of it.  The problem is that it had a song on it that he said reminded him of me, and he first heard that song on the vacation we met on.  I understand that this could have been from before he was officially my bf.  

  

I'm a bit of an impatient person by nature.  If I want something, I go after it 110%.  I think about what I want and then I set goals and thing of a plan of attack on how to accomplish them.  I understand that I am more of a go getter than him.  I feel like it is taking him to long to come through.  I also tried to tell him that there is never a good time, things will always come up and delay the process of moving.  However, you have to just do it.  He is more of a take the long road and be 100% sure that you have a back-up plan B and C and even D type of person.  We get a long great and challenge each other to think a little differently. 

  

I tried to talk to him about not answering his phone, however after a day I couldn't get ahold of him. I called him three times.  So my anger and impatience kicked in.  Along with my ego.  I text him and e-mail him.  I informed him that while I love him like I've never loved another man I love myself to much to be on the back burner.  I told him that I never wanted to loose contact with him, I just couldn't be his girlfriend.  I still feel like he is the one for me.  It's something internal, I know he feels the same becuase we've talked about it. I felt like I gave it my all to do everything that I could to bring us closer and we were still 1200 miles apart and we are approaching two years.  I told him maybe it's my insecurities and issues but I couldn't do it anymore.   

  

He told me that he's been working himself to be able to come through.  He is closer to being able to do it than he ever has been and he feels cheated.  At the same time he said that he understands that I have got to do what is best for me.  He said that he has never given me any reason to be insecure or make me feel like there is someone else.   

  

So we've been broke up for a week.  I feel better because I'm not putting pressure on myself to figure out where our relationship is going.  At the same time, I feel he is the one for me.  I guess I am in a way testing his to see if he will persue me.  I think that it is up to him, if he wants me I am here.  Also, a part of me things.  I'm tired of being alone.  If he wants me he should be here......Another part of me thinks that I've put too much pressure on this and I shouldn't place my frustrations on our relationship like this.  I don't want anyone else and I can't imagine being with anyone else.....what to do? I'm confused and can not sort this one out.           

 
November 18, 2005, 7:34 pm CST

I am SO Confused about my live in boyfriend

   Ok, I will try to make this short.... my boyfriend and I have been together since our freshman year in Highschool, and we are 21 years old now. So we have been together for quite awhile, and we've been living together for about 2 years now. I am just so confused..... I feel like I am the only one trying to keep the relationship still going, and I always tell him how i feel.... like how I know I want to spend the rest of my life with him, I Love him so much... I would seriously do anything for him... he is my everything, and I am constantly doing things for him! And I don't want to sound selfish but I get nothing in return, in the like 6 years we've been together he won't talk about the future with me.. I have no idea if he even wants to marry me, or if he can even see us together in the future! He has never once said I look beautiful, and he is seriously emotionless..... he dosn't express his feelings what so ever!! I just feel like he dosn't feel the same way about me as I do with him... I don't know if he wants to go out and explore other things because we are both eachothers first sexual partners, I know I don't but I just hope that he feels the same way? He says that if he wanted to go out and experiment with other women than he wouldn't still be with me, but by the way he acts I just don't know??  

     I wish he could tell me how he feels, because if he dosn't want to be with me then why am I wasting my time?? Please tell me what you think about this. I am so confused and he knows exactly how I am feeling he just dosn't really tell me what he is feeling so i have no idea?? Thanks so much.  

 
November 19, 2005, 9:34 am CST

Communication

     Me and my boyfriend has been together for a little over a year. I fell in love with him the first time i saw him.  He tells me everyday how much he loves me but for some strange reason he won't let me meet his parents. He says i am not as little as his mother so his father will have something bad to say about me.  If he loves me the way he says he does than why should what his father says about my looks matter?   

      I'm happy about the way i look my  boyfriend must be happy too he always buys me cloths to show off in.  I am so confused. Am i crazy to feel this way? 

 
November 19, 2005, 2:31 pm CST

Eharmony is weird

I tried EHarmony.com; it was an interesting site. I found a way to use it for free and got banned not only for that reason. I also got banned, since I used the word passionate. To get it for free, sign up for an email address using Yahoo and provide that email to your date. It may take as long as 48 hours before EHarmony finds it and bans you. But, in that 48 hour period, you may find a date. Then, try another email. Just change one number. Keep doing this until you find the person you like. Its free and that is the only thing that would satisfy me.  

  

Nathan 

 
November 19, 2005, 9:34 pm CST

I Need Gift Ideas For My Boyfriend. What Do I Get Him?

My name is Karen, I am 30 years old, and I live in Malibu, California. I have a very successful career as a business executive, and I work for a very large company in Los Angeles. I have been dating my boyfriend for a year now. We met at a Drucker Alumni Executive Forum, and we start dating each other. He is also a corporate executive, and works for another company in Los Angeles. He is the most amazing man I have ever dated in my life. As a successful and attractive woman, I have dated a variety of different men. None of them have even come close to comparison with this man. He is unbelievable and amazing in every aspect of our relationship. My family is astounded by him and my mom even encourages me to become engaged to him. All that said, I need serious advice on how to give him an awesome birthday gift. I did mention how amazing he was in every aspect of our relationship, and giving gifts is one of those aspects. He gives the most lovely and luxurious gifts ever. He mixes his choices with both flamboyant gifts and meaningful gifts. For example, last christmas he gave me a beautiful diamond bracelet from Geary's in Beverly Hills. I absolutely melted right before him and I knew he took pride and enjoyment in seeing how much I enjoyed it. My birthday was in August and he gave me a brand new Mercedes-Benz SLK350. Its not that expensive of a car, but as a birthday gift its amazing. I couldn't believe my eyes when I woke up and saw he had left for work and a pair of keys with a ribbon on them was lying next to me. I was startled and confused at first, but when the smell of coffee kicked in, I had come to my senses. I went to the garage and saw the beautiful, black Mercedes wrapped in a big red bow. I can never forget that image. I was so overwhelmed. Who would spend so much money on someone they have known for a year? Let's just say that when he came home he had an awesome time in bed ;). This is just my birthday and christmas. For Valentine's day he gave me a beautiful ruby and diamond ring, and the center stone was heart shaped. He also included a poem that made me cry the whole night, because he kept looking at me so sweetly and he started choking up while reading it and he tried so hard to hold back the tears, lol. I have been searching for this man for years and I have finally found him. I was lucky to find such a man at my age. He is only 4 years older than me, and yet so engaged with life. He has built a successful career, he has a B.A. and a M.A. degree from UCLA, he is so close to his family, he lives a healthy life, he isn't afraid of being honest about his feelings, and doesn't care to follow the traditional "male image." He doesn't try to act macho when he knows he doesn't need to. That to me is very important. A man that is engaged and honest to himself and his feelings. Anyway, the point is that I want to give him a gift that is going make him feel extra special. How come he always manages to make me weak with his gifts. I want that power for once, lol. I never manage to get him anything that makes him go "wow." Whenever I give him gifts, he laughs, kisses me, hugs me, makes me feel special and says that he never expected me to go through so much trouble for him. I need ideas on how to give him a gift that will bring him to his knees, and make him feel the way he makes me feel. What is that special gift? My friends and colleagues gave me a variety of ideas, but none of them sound like that good of a gift. Ideas are desperately needed and appreciated. His birthday is November 29. Help!!!! Thanks a million, Karen
 
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