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Topic : Communication

Number of Replies: 2186
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:06:47 pm
Author : dataimport
Good communication between partners can make or break a relationship. Share your tips and stories.

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August 14, 2009, 3:21 am CDT

Hi.

Quote From: gracie1472

ok..I'll make this short and sweet. I met this guy, great guy great career never been married no children same age as myself. We went out 5 times in 6 weeks. Each date got better and better. He would text me a couple times a week. Then out of hte blue, the texts became less and less and he wasn't planning any more dates with me. Previously, he had lived with a girl for 4 years. He said when he broke up with her, she started acting crazy..stalking, harrassing, etc... She then somehow got my cell number and would call me and just hang up. Now even her calls have stopped. So finally I got up the nerve to ask him what was up. He said he was going through a very serious crisis involving his ex..apparently she has some old dirt on him that could get him into serious trouble with work. He is a doctor. So I say to him..look is this is your way of telling me you don't want to see each other anymore, it's ok, i understand. He said that was not it. He said that this is how he handles his stress, by shuting down, isolating everyone. He said he was sorry for not calling and that he would keep in touch. Now we agreed not to be exclusive so he does not really owe me anything so I don't get why his crisis would make him not want to talk to me, see me etc.. i want to believe him, but I can't help but analyze every word and think he just didn't want to hurt my feelings and is making it up.. why wouldn't he have just taken the out when i gave it to him?? Any insight would be great! Thanks all!

Sorry you are going through this. I hope what I have to say will help, even a little. :)

It sounds like he got a bad case of the "avoidance/passive/aggressive/denial" personality. I am not a doctor but I believe I have "what he has", for lack of a better word.

 

During my childhood, I had to ignore what was in front of me, justify it somehow, make it ok in order to survive and be able to go on with life. As children we take on personality and belief systems that help us get through youth. Like adults learn to be parents, children learn how to be children who in turn, turn out to be adults, raising children, and the cycle continues.. We have to learn as we go is what I am trying to say here.

 

Now, it is very possible that his "crisis" is a little more self inflicted then he is leading on. He chose to go out with her, live with her for 4 years (funny thing that he was able to stay with her for 4 years but after only 5 dates, he is able to find the strength to cut it off with you, (temporarily, right?). Why if his ex has so much dirt did it take him 4 years to figure out he was l iving with a possible psychopath? I am trying to get you to see that the way he goes about dealing with people, is a little less then, honest.

 

But maybe he doesn't know "honest". Maybe he didn't learn it in his childhood and now he is just reliving what he has always lived. Could he be repeating the same belief system, now, that he did when he was a child?  To make it simple, ask him (if you get the chance) what his relationship was like with his mom and dad and did they have a loving home? Ask him how he felt when he was a child. Was he happy? Sad? Scared? It sounds like he is running in circles chasing his tail and you are caught up in it. Its not easy to find stable, honest, people becasue they are far and few; but it does not mean we have to settle for someone that has troubles.  If he admits to wanting to isolate himself when he gets stressed, that is cool. I understand but if you really like someone, they somehow make wanting to isolate less and less enjoyable.

 

Stop trying to read between his/the lines.

 

Start looking at what he is telling you. I think you would be better to think his rejection is more a protection for you, from the universe, to let this man and this crazy lady have it out, amongst themselves, if this is the truth.  It doesn't matter what happened to him/them before you met one another, but yet it is. Why????? Because it was never done. They are still connected somehow and i wouldn't want to get in the middle of that one for 20 millions dollars. Good luck. Kimi

 
August 14, 2009, 3:26 am CDT

Hi.

Quote From: gracie1472

ok..I'll make this short and sweet. I met this guy, great guy great career never been married no children same age as myself. We went out 5 times in 6 weeks. Each date got better and better. He would text me a couple times a week. Then out of hte blue, the texts became less and less and he wasn't planning any more dates with me. Previously, he had lived with a girl for 4 years. He said when he broke up with her, she started acting crazy..stalking, harrassing, etc... She then somehow got my cell number and would call me and just hang up. Now even her calls have stopped. So finally I got up the nerve to ask him what was up. He said he was going through a very serious crisis involving his ex..apparently she has some old dirt on him that could get him into serious trouble with work. He is a doctor. So I say to him..look is this is your way of telling me you don't want to see each other anymore, it's ok, i understand. He said that was not it. He said that this is how he handles his stress, by shuting down, isolating everyone. He said he was sorry for not calling and that he would keep in touch. Now we agreed not to be exclusive so he does not really owe me anything so I don't get why his crisis would make him not want to talk to me, see me etc.. i want to believe him, but I can't help but analyze every word and think he just didn't want to hurt my feelings and is making it up.. why wouldn't he have just taken the out when i gave it to him?? Any insight would be great! Thanks all!

Sorry you are going through this. I hope what I have to say will help, even a little. :)

It sounds like he got a bad case of the "avoidance/passive/aggressive/denial" personality. I am not a doctor but I believe I have "what he has", for lack of a better word.

 

During my childhood, I had to ignore what was in front of me, justify it somehow, make it ok in order to survive and be able to go on with life. As children we take on personality and belief systems that help us get through youth. Like adults learn to be parents, children learn how to be children who in turn, turn out to be adults, raising children, and the cycle continues.. We have to learn as we go is what I am trying to say here.

 

Now, it is very possible that his "crisis" is a little more self inflicted then he is leading on. He chose to go out with her, live with her for 4 years (funny thing that he was able to stay with her for 4 years but after only 5 dates, he is able to find the strength to cut it off with you, (temporarily, right?). Why if his ex has so much dirt did it take him 4 years to figure out he was l iving with a possible psychopath? I am trying to get you to see that the way he goes about dealing with people, is a little less then, honest.

 

But maybe he doesn't know "honest". Maybe he didn't learn it in his childhood and now he is just reliving what he has always lived. Could he be repeating the same belief system, now, that he did when he was a child?  To make it simple, ask him (if you get the chance) what his relationship was like with his mom and dad and did they have a loving home? Ask him how he felt when he was a child. Was he happy? Sad? Scared? It sounds like he is running in circles chasing his tail and you are caught up in it. Its not easy to find stable, honest, people becasue they are far and few; but it does not mean we have to settle for someone that has troubles.  If he admits to wanting to isolate himself when he gets stressed, that is cool. I understand but if you really like someone, they somehow make wanting to isolate less and less enjoyable.

 

Stop trying to read between his/the lines.

 

Start looking at what he is telling you. I think you would be better to think his rejection is more a protection for you, from the universe, to let this man and this crazy lady have it out, amongst themselves, if this is the truth.  It doesn't matter what happened to him/them before you met one another, but yet it is. Why????? Because it was never done. They are still connected somehow and i wouldn't want to get in the middle of that one for 20 millions dollars. Good luck. Kimi

 
August 14, 2009, 5:01 am CDT

you're right

Quote From: kimikomine

Sorry you are going through this. I hope what I have to say will help, even a little. :)

It sounds like he got a bad case of the "avoidance/passive/aggressive/denial" personality. I am not a doctor but I believe I have "what he has", for lack of a better word.

 

During my childhood, I had to ignore what was in front of me, justify it somehow, make it ok in order to survive and be able to go on with life. As children we take on personality and belief systems that help us get through youth. Like adults learn to be parents, children learn how to be children who in turn, turn out to be adults, raising children, and the cycle continues.. We have to learn as we go is what I am trying to say here.

 

Now, it is very possible that his "crisis" is a little more self inflicted then he is leading on. He chose to go out with her, live with her for 4 years (funny thing that he was able to stay with her for 4 years but after only 5 dates, he is able to find the strength to cut it off with you, (temporarily, right?). Why if his ex has so much dirt did it take him 4 years to figure out he was l iving with a possible psychopath? I am trying to get you to see that the way he goes about dealing with people, is a little less then, honest.

 

But maybe he doesn't know "honest". Maybe he didn't learn it in his childhood and now he is just reliving what he has always lived. Could he be repeating the same belief system, now, that he did when he was a child?  To make it simple, ask him (if you get the chance) what his relationship was like with his mom and dad and did they have a loving home? Ask him how he felt when he was a child. Was he happy? Sad? Scared? It sounds like he is running in circles chasing his tail and you are caught up in it. Its not easy to find stable, honest, people becasue they are far and few; but it does not mean we have to settle for someone that has troubles.  If he admits to wanting to isolate himself when he gets stressed, that is cool. I understand but if you really like someone, they somehow make wanting to isolate less and less enjoyable.

 

Stop trying to read between his/the lines.

 

Start looking at what he is telling you. I think you would be better to think his rejection is more a protection for you, from the universe, to let this man and this crazy lady have it out, amongst themselves, if this is the truth.  It doesn't matter what happened to him/them before you met one another, but yet it is. Why????? Because it was never done. They are still connected somehow and i wouldn't want to get in the middle of that one for 20 millions dollars. Good luck. Kimi

I guess you are right. I really beleived what he was tellling me. From the first date, he was saying how he ended this realtionship and she was taking it hard and thats when she started to loose it. I guess we had such a great time and it fizzled before it even started, thats why I just don't get it. If they are still together, why wouldn't she talk or even yell at me when she called, rather than hanging up. when u live with someone for 4 years, you tend to divulge info about your day, secrets if u will. Maybe he told her some info not knowing she would one day use it against him. I do think it could involve his medical career. Again, am I sounding nieve?? Men do tend to shut down when they are stressed, and women want to talk talk talk. I know hw has trust issues because of this girl, he has told me. Maybe he didn't want to explain himself to me?? He dosent really owe me anything, we only went on 5 dates. I did text him before we had this conversation and told him if he didn't want to see each other it was cool. His response was..I'll call you, and then we had the conversation I explained. Now, if I was a guy, I would have taken the out in the text, so I didn't have to talk to the one I was possibly blowing off. I don't know, I almost wish he would of said ,'Yeah you're right, let's cool down I have some things to work out', instead of 'no, its not u..I'll keep in touch'. That just keeps me hanging on to hope. It really stinks.
 
August 14, 2009, 1:55 pm CDT

Yes. It does stink.

Quote From: gracie1472

I guess you are right. I really beleived what he was tellling me. From the first date, he was saying how he ended this realtionship and she was taking it hard and thats when she started to loose it. I guess we had such a great time and it fizzled before it even started, thats why I just don't get it. If they are still together, why wouldn't she talk or even yell at me when she called, rather than hanging up. when u live with someone for 4 years, you tend to divulge info about your day, secrets if u will. Maybe he told her some info not knowing she would one day use it against him. I do think it could involve his medical career. Again, am I sounding nieve?? Men do tend to shut down when they are stressed, and women want to talk talk talk. I know hw has trust issues because of this girl, he has told me. Maybe he didn't want to explain himself to me?? He dosent really owe me anything, we only went on 5 dates. I did text him before we had this conversation and told him if he didn't want to see each other it was cool. His response was..I'll call you, and then we had the conversation I explained. Now, if I was a guy, I would have taken the out in the text, so I didn't have to talk to the one I was possibly blowing off. I don't know, I almost wish he would of said ,'Yeah you're right, let's cool down I have some things to work out', instead of 'no, its not u..I'll keep in touch'. That just keeps me hanging on to hope. It really stinks.
I will write more to you again. I am at work now. :)
But just for now, stop thinking about what he said, what he could have said. It will drive you crazy. Stop trying to figure out how "guys" think when they are stressed. They may go internal more then women, but god gave them a mouth and a set of ears just like us, there comes a time when you have to stop trying to figure out what other people mean, and take their words for what they say, not for what "we/you would like to believe". This is where suffering comes from.  Unless you are getting paid to figure out the  male/female differences in communicating, I say, let him work out his problems (without you- since they were there before you). I'll write more. Promise.
 
August 14, 2009, 7:17 pm CDT

thank you

Quote From: kimikomine

I will write more to you again. I am at work now. :)
But just for now, stop thinking about what he said, what he could have said. It will drive you crazy. Stop trying to figure out how "guys" think when they are stressed. They may go internal more then women, but god gave them a mouth and a set of ears just like us, there comes a time when you have to stop trying to figure out what other people mean, and take their words for what they say, not for what "we/you would like to believe". This is where suffering comes from.  Unless you are getting paid to figure out the  male/female differences in communicating, I say, let him work out his problems (without you- since they were there before you). I'll write more. Promise.
thanks it helps to get anothers opinion. I took the first step and erased him as a contact from my phone so I wouldn't be tempted! I gave you a bit more info in my 2nd post, don't know if it changes your opinion, but let me know!
Thanks
 
August 16, 2009, 5:09 am CDT

Hello. 2nd post?

Quote From: gracie1472

thanks it helps to get anothers opinion. I took the first step and erased him as a contact from my phone so I wouldn't be tempted! I gave you a bit more info in my 2nd post, don't know if it changes your opinion, but let me know!
Thanks

I am not sure what you mean?

 

It is always easier for someone else to tell someone else what is right and what is wrong. But I do believe  we know intherently when we are doing something that is not  good or not bad. We ourselves are barometers of what our bodies are experiencing. Whether it is joy, saddness, fear, love, hate, .... but we don't listen to our guts because our heads are on a different page! :) I believe the cause of most suffering is wanting to believe something is not what it appears to be!  Why do we do that? I think because suffering also feels alive and exciting, just like when we feel truly joyous and content. I think emotions are just that. They come and go, fleeting slowly sometimes, sometimes swiftly, like what is happening with you. You are caught up in someone elses' drama that they created. Not you. But yet you feel responsible to understand and be compassionate???/ You need to look at why you don't allow yourself self respect. I am working on that one too. If we don't respect ourselves, then we will certainly be drawn to others that will not respect us either. That is all I can say.

 

Its sunday and I am free!!! Working 6 days, sheesh.....Take care, Gracie

 

 

 
August 26, 2009, 2:16 pm CDT

I don't know what to do??

 Me and my boyfriend have been together for a year and a half.. we just recently got engaged. My question is we have been arguing here lately because he doesnt want to kiss me as much, I get very upset whenever I lean in to give him and he pulls away or turns his head. I really dont understand why this is happening .. he claims he isnt doing anything and that I am over-reacting. I am just out of ideas other than giving up. I love him with all my heart but I really dont know how much longer before I go crazy. please I need some advice???
 
August 27, 2009, 7:40 am CDT

First Love Blossom

A bouquet of 1 premium red roses, wrapped in red and white color tone. Tell someone that you fall in love at first sight.
 
August 30, 2009, 8:43 am CDT

exhausted

So ive ben seeing and living with this woman for ove 2yrs now.We've had LOTS of up and downs.I have 2 girls,she has no children.this is difficult cuz she still doesnt know what to do with them sometimes.but i give her LOTS of credit for doingher best,thosometimes she couldtry harder.About six  monts after we strted together,we were moved in and  the down ward spiral bagan.we might have sex 1 to 2 times a month since then.She ignores me or just totallyshuts me out.Thiis so frustrating to me.Weve made plans togther,like we want to get married.she wants to watc my girls grow ,she wants them tocall her "pops/dad".so all this is a problem tome cuz weve had so many ups n downs. now im faced with more,see,my ex-wifes family totally erased us out the pic when we split.This devastated my oldest.my youngest was to young to now.Now my gfs family is doing the same.When we first came into the pic,i thoughtthis is great.everyone loves my girls.Then i noticed everthing changing.they dont even ask me how work is going when we see eachother.ifact they really dont talk to me.I kept having this feeling that my gf was talking to them boutme,she swore up n down she nevr had.last night i found out that  she has indeed alked bout me to them on different occassions.They quit coming to our cookouts n most have never come to my girls' bday parties.Its ben over 2yrs n herm didnt want me tobe in a family pic,now i no why!Im so hurt thatshe lyed to me bout this.I feel as tho shes fueled a fire now n my girls are going to get hurt again.Thi is not the first time shes ben caught in a lie.Im stuck.I dont want to talk to her.but shes al about us being together.
 
August 30, 2009, 8:48 am CDT

Communication

Quote From: lacam101

 Me and my boyfriend have been together for a year and a half.. we just recently got engaged. My question is we have been arguing here lately because he doesnt want to kiss me as much, I get very upset whenever I lean in to give him and he pulls away or turns his head. I really dont understand why this is happening .. he claims he isnt doing anything and that I am over-reacting. I am just out of ideas other than giving up. I love him with all my heart but I really dont know how much longer before I go crazy. please I need some advice???
Id def hav to say he has a problem cuz he did it in the beginning and now he pulls away.sounds like hes justplaying haed games.or hard to get.either way you're both grown and theres a right way and wrong way.if the tables were turned how would he react?
 
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