Dr. Phil.com - Messageboards

User Mood
Scared

Message Emote
hopeful

March 19, 2006, 8:50 pm PST

Communication

Quote From: jenoc99

These girls could probably become good friends of yours if you can get over your jealousy issues. I think it is normal to be feeling the way that you do- after all, you are isolated and you feel a bit threatened when these beautiful women are around. You will be better off if you can look at your relationship from the outside in: he is with you, not any of them- if he wanted to be with them, he would be, right? But he loves you. You have to find it within yourself to accept that love for what it is and accept happiness, because you do deserve it! If he wanted someone else, he wouldn't have you there with him. I suggest letting down your guard and do your best to become friends with his friends. Your jealousy will fade once you are more friendly with these women.

Thanks for the advice. I tell myself exactly what you said but to hear it from an outside source really gives it reinforcement!! Thanks tons!!

Read Replies to this Message

kgoetsch

User Mood
Stressed

Message Emote

March 20, 2006, 11:43 am PST

Fiance will NOT communicate except to be nasty---HELP!

My fiance and I have been together a year and a half. I just gave birth to our daughter 5 weeks ago.

He swears he can NOT live without me and loves me very much.

My problem with him is this: He can NOT communicate, at all! When I ask him to he never lets me know how he feels, what he's thinking or whether or not anything we discuss has even penetrated his thick male brain. He is very stoic and quiet and withdrawn by nature.

We will fight about the SAME issues over and over and over, literally verbatim. We fight over his not communicating in the relationship, getting insulting and defensive in discussions instead of contributing anything (thus ending with me crying and regretting coming to him with my problems) we fight over him half-assing EVERYTHING he does, right down to saying he's gonna help with the baby or household stuff, IF he does he will for a minute and then "OK that's enough for now" and go back to whatever was capturing his attention previously (usually his Music, he's a Bass player and ALWAYS messing with his Music)

In a fight, he will come back a few minutes after being horribly nasty, apologize (like he always does), SWEAR he's gonna change and that he'll start talking about things with me instead of getting nasty and shutting down.......every month or so we have the same argument with these SAME results.

I absolutely will NOT come to him with anything bothering me, I have learned it's easier to keep it to myself and just be miserable. Which is EXACTLY how my first marriage was which is why I got divorced, and now I have come full-circle to what I was in before!

I honestly think it'd be easier to dump him and worry about raising my 3 children and stop worrying about the Drama of this relationship because it's bringing on a debilitating depression and taking my energy away from my 3 kids (ages 5 weeks, 4 and 5 years old)

Someone give advice or comments please, what would you do?

Read Replies to this Message

latingirl

User Mood
Cheerful

Message Emote

March 20, 2006, 1:04 pm PST

Communication

Quote From: class2003

have known this guy for 15 years and the last 2 years we dated. He said he tried to end it with me in Jan. by saying we need to take a break. He said a break to him was a breakup. But he stilled called and we hung out together. To make a long story short he basically lead me on and said he never wanted to hurt me and that he is not in love with me anymore but he will always love me and i could take that with me. When i asked him if we would ever be more than just friends again he said no not now anyways. Then i asked him if he still wanted me and he said I dont know. He told me that he had questions start coming up in his head in December and he tried to figure them out but he can not remember the questions now. He said that he figure out the questions and they all lead to he was not in love with me. I asked him why did we spend Christmas and New Years together he said because he wanted to be with me. We even spent Valentines together. He told me that he wished no of this ever had happened to us? See we planned on getting married and everything. In march when it all came out i was shocked and destroyed all in a snap of a finger. An how i found out was i was at his house and found these letters from a girl he had been helping through some problems. He said that he might of gotten to close and started having feelings for her. I asked him when did the letters start he said after I thought i ended it with you in jan. I would email her and tell her to keep her head up and supportive stuff like that. I asked him why were the letters so lovey dovey and he said i was just as surprised as you when those letters came. She must of taken stuff I said the wrong way because i do not want another relationship right now. He told me when he saw her again that he would talk to her about it all. Then he tried to justify if they were to get together that it would be ok they are adults she 17 he is 20. He asked me not to say anything to her about the time we spent together since jan because she is under the impression they are together and that would just hurt her and make her not trust him anymore. The bad thing is he tried to make me and be friends. And she even went with me and we looked at rings and wedding stuff. He told me that he does not want me to hate him and he does not want me to give him a reason to hate me. He said he knows he has made some bad decisions about all of this and he might of made a bigger one by ending it he does not know he is going on what he thinks he feels. I had all I was going to take because for three months i thought we were trying to work through the problems not this i never saw it coming. For months he tried to push me away and then when he realized he pushed me right out the door. He told me that he did not want me to shut him out of my life and he still wants to call me on his way home from work because he likes talking to me and hearing my voice. That he will always love me and care alot about me and if i ever needed him he was just a phone call away. He wished all this had never happen and that with time he hopes i can forgive him. See he was one of the few people I had left I truly trusted and he destroyed that. My friends think he is confused and that he is scared at the same time. That is why he calls me to make sure i dont find anybody else to go out and have fun with because if i do i would be gone forever or he is checking up on me. In all the time I have known him he has never been a player I was his first real Girlfriend and First True Love. I just dont see how a guy who use to bring me flowers and gifts every month on the day that we met and did this until last december could do something like this. He is the one that talked about marriage first he professed his love to me first and he said He wants me to be his one and only forever he does not want anybody else. He use to tell me how alive i made him feel and lets make this last forever. I just dont get how that changed with the so called "questions" popped in his head but he cant remember them but he assures me that i have not caused any of this that i did not push him away he just fell out of love with me and he said he tried to fall back in but knew he could not now. SO IS HE PLAYING ME AND WHY IS HE STILL CALLING ME and the bad thing is this other girl is using him to get out of her parents house because they are so stricted on her he just does not realize that once she out she is going to wild because she has never had any freedom. Never has been allowed to date a guy. And she filling him full of crap saying her step dad understands their love but everytime my ex goes to talk to the step dad he tells me that he kusses him and says stay away from her. Or is this another l

Not sure what exactly you are looking for? He is your ex? Leave it that way and move on. Don't worry about his life now. don't get involved in his business, don't let him try to call you and talk to you about his life. Of course he is playing you? You knowt that he is, and yet you still talk to him.

Read Replies to this Message

latingirl

User Mood
Cheerful

Message Emote

March 20, 2006, 1:05 pm PST

Communication

Quote From: kgoetsch

My fiance and I have been together a year and a half. I just gave birth to our daughter 5 weeks ago.

He swears he can NOT live without me and loves me very much.

My problem with him is this: He can NOT communicate, at all! When I ask him to he never lets me know how he feels, what he's thinking or whether or not anything we discuss has even penetrated his thick male brain. He is very stoic and quiet and withdrawn by nature.

We will fight about the SAME issues over and over and over, literally verbatim. We fight over his not communicating in the relationship, getting insulting and defensive in discussions instead of contributing anything (thus ending with me crying and regretting coming to him with my problems) we fight over him half-assing EVERYTHING he does, right down to saying he's gonna help with the baby or household stuff, IF he does he will for a minute and then "OK that's enough for now" and go back to whatever was capturing his attention previously (usually his Music, he's a Bass player and ALWAYS messing with his Music)

In a fight, he will come back a few minutes after being horribly nasty, apologize (like he always does), SWEAR he's gonna change and that he'll start talking about things with me instead of getting nasty and shutting down.......every month or so we have the same argument with these SAME results.

I absolutely will NOT come to him with anything bothering me, I have learned it's easier to keep it to myself and just be miserable. Which is EXACTLY how my first marriage was which is why I got divorced, and now I have come full-circle to what I was in before!

I honestly think it'd be easier to dump him and worry about raising my 3 children and stop worrying about the Drama of this relationship because it's bringing on a debilitating depression and taking my energy away from my 3 kids (ages 5 weeks, 4 and 5 years old)

Someone give advice or comments please, what would you do?

In time it will ruin your marriage. You need to fix this and soon! He needs to talk to someone, let out his emotions, feelings and so forth. You both need each other to vent to, cry on and so forth.

Maybe he should see a therapist?

Read Replies to this Message

paweber

User Mood
Happy

Message Emote

March 22, 2006, 12:18 pm PST

How do I ask him?

I just started seeing a guy who is here temporarily (June/July '06) doing some installation work for a business here. We enjoy each other's company tremendously. We talk pretty much every day and see each other at least 3 times a week and always have a great time together. It's been going on for about 3 months now. The problem/dilemma is, how do I ask him if he's seeing anyone else at the same time? I don't want to say it wouldn't bother me that much because he will be leaving soon, it's just important for me to know. Every time I say to myself, "I'm going to ask him tonight", I fear I'll ruin the mood of the evening and put it off, again. I'm not the type of person who can just come right out and ask it bluntly. I'd like to be diplomatic about it. Any advice would be REALLY appreciated.

Read Replies to this Message

dannyboy12

User Mood
Worried

Message Emote

March 24, 2006, 2:38 pm PST

What to do?!

hey i am new on here, i had a question for anyone who would like to reply. ok here it goes. I have met a wonderful girl ( we have been doing things together for about 5 and a half months). RIght now i am in a situation where i am my own worst enemy. I have depression and anxiety, not to mention low self esteem. I have a bad habit of putting myself down infront of her, ( she said she dosent like it when i do that ...and rightfully so) I have a hard time saying goodnight when we have to go, and i almost always feel miserable when i am not able to see her. I understand that her college classes are very demanding and she needs to spend time with that. to make a long story short, she likes me alot, but not on the same level as me and it seems that my depressed mood is messing things up for us. She wants to be great friends , and she is ( she has always been there for me) so after all that rambeling, here is my question: HOW DO I BE SATISFIED WITH HER REQUEST TO BE GOOD FRIENDS. My heart is still stuck on something more,and its hard to adjust to her request.. thanks for reading.

Read Replies to this Message

dannyboy12

User Mood
Worried

Message Emote

March 24, 2006, 2:50 pm PST

here is what i know

Quote From: paweber

I just started seeing a guy who is here temporarily (June/July '06) doing some installation work for a business here. We enjoy each other's company tremendously. We talk pretty much every day and see each other at least 3 times a week and always have a great time together. It's been going on for about 3 months now. The problem/dilemma is, how do I ask him if he's seeing anyone else at the same time? I don't want to say it wouldn't bother me that much because he will be leaving soon, it's just important for me to know. Every time I say to myself, "I'm going to ask him tonight", I fear I'll ruin the mood of the evening and put it off, again. I'm not the type of person who can just come right out and ask it bluntly. I'd like to be diplomatic about it. Any advice would be REALLY appreciated.

well to be honest i am not sure myself, but i will offer you the best advice i can.

I was in a simular situation a few months ago. I met this girl, and we too hit it off quite well. I eventually was told that she was not seeing anyone else, she said she had friends that were guys ( which is ok). I kind of clumisly stumbled into the question, so i would not reccomend the way i did it. HOWEVER, this is what i would do. give him a simple gift ( nothing fancy ) tell him in a SIMPLE way that you really like being with him. eventually i think that he will open up.

Read Replies to this Message

darlynn82

User Mood
Touched

Message Emote
frustrated

March 26, 2006, 1:03 pm PST

I'm sabatoging my relationship

I've been seeing this really great guy for about two years. Its a long distance relationship where we get to see each other every second weekend. We have talked about moving in together and getting married and such things. He's a super good guy who would never do anything to hurt me. He was raised to believe in loyalty, trust, and commitment. He calls me everynight just to say he loves me and wish me sweet dreams. The problem is I won't trust him. I've never trusted anyone I've ever been with and have destroyed relationships because i'm so insecure and jealous. I don't want to destroy what I have with Scott but as hard as I try to not be jealous, I continue to push him further and further away. He'll go out with his friends, all of which i know and are men, and i sit at home not sleeping until he calls me and says he's at home. I always feel the need to check up on him or interogate him about where he was and what he was up to. I try not to because I know it doesn't help the relationship but i don't know how to curb the habit. I've been cheated on and molested as a child so trust has always been a big issue. Does anyone have any advice for how i can change?

Read Replies to this Message

jenoc99

User Mood
Happy

Message Emote

March 26, 2006, 1:53 pm PST

Sabotaging yourself

Quote From: darlynn82

I've been seeing this really great guy for about two years. Its a long distance relationship where we get to see each other every second weekend. We have talked about moving in together and getting married and such things. He's a super good guy who would never do anything to hurt me. He was raised to believe in loyalty, trust, and commitment. He calls me everynight just to say he loves me and wish me sweet dreams. The problem is I won't trust him. I've never trusted anyone I've ever been with and have destroyed relationships because i'm so insecure and jealous. I don't want to destroy what I have with Scott but as hard as I try to not be jealous, I continue to push him further and further away. He'll go out with his friends, all of which i know and are men, and i sit at home not sleeping until he calls me and says he's at home. I always feel the need to check up on him or interogate him about where he was and what he was up to. I try not to because I know it doesn't help the relationship but i don't know how to curb the habit. I've been cheated on and molested as a child so trust has always been a big issue. Does anyone have any advice for how i can change?

The first step in making change is admitting that you have a problem, and you have done that- as Dr. Phil would say, "You can't change what you won't acknowledge.." and thats the truth! You know this is a problem. Dr Phil has had people on his show with this exact same issue, and he asks them this: what is the "payoff" that you are getting from this behavior? There must be a "payoff" otherwise, you wouldn't be doing it. Even if it is a self-defeating payoff, its still a payoff.. For example, one woman on the show admitted that her 'payoff' was that every time she would ask her boyfriend the usual battery of questions upon his return home, he would always say that he loves her, and would assure her not to worry, that he wouldn't cheat, etc., etc., and she got to hear what she needed and wanted to hear.. however, it would drive him nutty because he always felt like he was being accused of cheating when he wasn't. Of course that behavior was driving a wedge between them. In your situation, you are in a long distance relationship, and perhaps it would be helpful if he was to assure you not to wait up for him, that he will be faithfull, etc., and then NOT call you, and thus, start breaking that habit. You have negative self-talk that will sabotage this relationship and every relationship you ever have until you learn how to defeat that negative self talk. I urge you to seek counceling, because you do deserve to enjoy a happy and healthy relationship, but you aren't allowing yourself to enjoy this for many reasons. Perhaps you also don't feel you deserve a faithfull boyfriend, too- there are so many factors. I think that a councelor would be wonderfull for you because you need someone to confide in, and that person can validate your thoughts and feelings while guiding you towards a healthy way of life. You deserve the best in life, you need to convince yourself of this!

Read Replies to this Message

paweber

User Mood
Happy

Message Emote

March 27, 2006, 12:40 pm PST

To all the guys out there - Help me understand

I just want to try to understand, from a man's point-of-view, and the women, if you've experienced something similar, please reply!

When you are dating someone, say for about 2 months, is it a pretty common "thing" not to call the girl you've been dating, exclusively, everyday? I mean, what does it mean or does it mean anything when you don't pick up the phone? I know this is a guy thing, but just wanted to understand what goes through your head, if anything, when you don't call for 1-3 days. Is it just no big deal to men and things are still status quo with your woman and she shouldn't worry about anything?

Any reply would help me understand why men do what they do - when it comes to phone calls.

Read Replies to this Message

Message Boards

Topic : Communication

Communication

Fiance will NOT communicate except to be nasty---HELP!

Communication

Communication

How do I ask him?

What to do?!

here is what i know

I'm sabatoging my relationship

Sabotaging yourself

To all the guys out there - Help me understand