Topic : Communication

Hello.  Since, this is the 'communication' board I have a question for anyone that would like to comment on.  OK here it goes...I've had difficultities with my parents, and siblings.  (seems all my adulthood)...The first time my parents (disowned me) was when I moved in with my fiance...He ask me to marry him, then we moved in with one another...got married 3 mos. later...My parents didn't like that I moved in with him, and disowned me and didn't attend my wedding...That was the first fallout...we makeup, then they did it again, this time for 14 yrs...But, the hurtful part was that my brother & sister both followed suite, I guess to side with them I don't know...We all made up after the youngest daughter died...so, I thought we had a chance this time..no such luck...it's only been 1 1/2 yrs. since my sister died...My older sister, when she gets mad (at something she feels she deserves to be mad) and won't even tell me what I did...well, she again dumps me...that's where I'm at right now...What she's mad about (and I just found out) was that I don't call as much...and I told her I'm sorry, but I write letters & send little gifts...I told her I get scared still, and may need to take it slow...so, it's these little things she does...I told her, I love her, and to please just talk about it...and not be mad behind my back...well, she is/was...when I go out there, I ALWAYS make a point to see her and my parents (in Arizona)...spending 3-4 days each...but, she's coming to CA, and won't tell me...and just spends the whole time at my brother's.(which most people in our family doesn't like, because he's mean and cruel, but she puts up with it..)  my brother-in-law finally just ask my sister, why she doesn't visit me...she said "well I can do whatever I want"....so, it hurts pretty bad, becaue here I go again...she keeps on hurting me...I was wondering if anyone had a similiar situation, and can give me a few ideas on how to not 'hurt'...Everyone, in my family knows that I"m the 'good, caring one", but all my life I get crap for it...thanks for whomever reads this. I really appreciate it..........dee

Hello.  Since, this is the 'communication' board I have a question for anyone that would like to comment on.  OK here it goes...I've had difficultities with my parents, and siblings.  (seems all my adulthood)...The first time my parents (disowned me) was when I moved in with my fiance...He ask me to marry him, then we moved in with one another...got married 3 mos. later...My parents didn't like that I moved in with him, and disowned me and didn't attend my wedding...That was the first fallout...we makeup, then they did it again, this time for 14 yrs...But, the hurtful part was that my brother & sister both followed suite, I guess to side with them I don't know...We all made up after the youngest daughter died...so, I thought we had a chance this time..no such luck...it's only been 1 1/2 yrs. since my sister died...My older sister, when she gets mad (at something she feels she deserves to be mad) and won't even tell me what I did...well, she again dumps me...that's where I'm at right now...What she's mad about (and I just found out) was that I don't call as much...and I told her I'm sorry, but I write letters & send little gifts...I told her I get scared still, and may need to take it slow...so, it's these little things she does...I told her, I love her, and to please just talk about it...and not be mad behind my back...well, she is/was...when I go out there, I ALWAYS make a point to see her and my parents (in Arizona)...spending 3-4 days each...but, she's coming to CA, and won't tell me...and just spends the whole time at my brother's.(which most people in our family doesn't like, because he's mean and cruel, but she puts up with it..)  my brother-in-law finally just ask my sister, why she doesn't visit me...she said "well I can do whatever I want"....so, it hurts pretty bad, becaue here I go again...she keeps on hurting me...I was wondering if anyone had a similiar situation, and can give me a few ideas on how to not 'hurt'...Everyone, in my family knows that I"m the 'good, caring one", but all my life I get crap for it...thanks for whomever reads this. I really appreciate it..........dee

I can't say that I can totally empathize with you, b/c having a sibling in the family die is a heartbreaking thing to deal with, and I have never experienced that before. As for your whole family: parents, sister and brother feeling animosity towards you, I would tell you to seek for those who see the best in you. You know that you are the "good caring one" and having that self admiration is a  great thing.  It shows self-esteem. 

 

I can almost say that I know how it feels to be disowned by my parents, b/c I know that if they knew the truth about me, they would frown upon me for the rest of my life.  If my grandmother knew the truth about me, she would die hating me.  And I would be haunted for the rest of my life.

 

I have  a bf and I love him, but I don't know about the future.  I sleep over at his house like 3-4 days a week while I am still living with my parents. And to top it off, my parents are traditional Asian people.  I lie to them and say that I am staying over at a girlfriend's house, and they buy it.  I am on birth control pills and hide it from them.  I am also on psychotic pills, but that would belong on another discussion board.

 

I have not be disown yet, b/c I never got caught lying but my guilt gets so intense to the point that I get paranoid thoughts and nightmares.

 

I can be sleeping besides my bf at night and at like 4 a.m. dream his father footsteps, loud, trampling to the front door to answer it.  And in my dream/nightmare the person at the door is my mom looking for me.  In the early morning, I would hear the neighbors crying and in my mind, it is my mom crying at my bf's kitchen, b/c she is so ashamed of me.

 

dee0123, I do know why your parents disowned you but you need to take care of yourself and get yourself through life being strong.

 

         * maintain a good education and job

         * take care of yourself physically and emotionally

         * know that whatever you did that made them disown you was not intentional to hurt them

         * keep a support system in your life (those who see the goodness of you)

 

I can't say that I am in  a similar situation but there are my words to you

hope it helps : )

 

my barrier between me and my family is cultural differences. That is why I lie to them to keep my good rep with them. 

My suggestion-...I have a question-  WHY ARE YOU PUTTING UP WITH HIS BEHAVIOR???He is playing  games with you and will continue to do so because you tolerate it!    Yes- you feel resentment-But what about the pain in your heart and soul?

Please, ma'am - I am not trying to be mean-I mean-I allowed guys (and other people) to treat me like this because I felt like I was not good enough or deserving enough of respect-

So I am learning and I speak from experience- Lots of them-

 

I am just a few years younger than you- I am single- and would rather be single than with some one who treats me badly- 

 

Why are you settling for this and going back for more?  He will continue to do this-He has already done it so many times-

 

No more and heal your heart and move on and demand the respect you deserve-

 

Oh-and has he been doing this the whole five years?  This is NOT a relationship where you can talk and resolve issues-not with this guy- Stop allowing this and move on-

Dee

I can relate- My family  abuses me and treat me badly-  I am the only caring one as well-  I have had to learn just because family is blood- that really doesn't mean anything when you are being treated horribly-There is a whole new definition of 'family'  these days that they have done and are doing alot of studies on-  

 

Your sister who treats you so badly-Stop trying because she  has alot of problems and taking it out on you because you care so much-   Don't let her get to you-It has nothing to do with you- 

I am putting my words into action myself with my 'family'  -

 

Just take care of yourself and do not let  them get to you-OK?

 

I do not know about 'lying' but lying is not a good thing-Like some one suggested-But...You don't need this drama- and usually people who are so unhappy and miserable-they want to bring others way down to their level to feel good about themselves-  It is not easy-but you must not let them take away your power-

Take care-  I know exactly what you are going thru- Hope this helps a bit-

When your boyfriend refuses to speak to you, that is emotional abuse, and like another poster already said, why are you accepting this treatment from him? There is NEVER anything that you could say or do to deserve this treatment. Your relationship either needs to be fixed or be over. Your boyfriend is 42, but his behavior is that of a 12 year old who doesn’t know how to communicate, so he makes you ’suffer’ by ignoring you. You do not deserve that!! Of course you get hurt when he does this. I assume that you have told him what you say in your post, that you want a relationship where you can talk after an argument? He is refusing to hold up his end of this relationship. Please know that you are better off alone, with your own problems and issues, because right now you are struggling with your own issues AND his, too. 

Hi All,

I am married to a wonderful man and we have a beautiful son together. I wanted to discuss the topic of jealousy. When we were in VA I became friends with one of the guys my husband worked with. Once we moved I lost touch with this guy and we hadn't spoken for over a year. Now this guy is back. We just recently got back in touch and have been talking again. He too moved down here to NC. I want to spend time with him and have him over to hang out or even go out to dinner. The trouble is that my husband doesn't like him. He is jealous and protective of me. He has never expressed his jealousy or acted on it, but it is just awkward for him. I want to respect my husband and understand him, but I don't think that includes giving up a friendship with another guy for him.  If this other guy were to come over and hang out, they would wind up chatting with each other and everything would be OK. I just don't want things to be weird for my husband or my friend. Hubby accepts the fact that I am going to be friends with other guys, but still might not be happy with me if I hang out with them. Of course, what kind of a friendship is that?

I have been seeing a man for 14 years.

We live in our won homes. becouse of Family needing some one at home becouse their elderly (84ish).

any way we had a plain that included me in the senario. this is how it went.

 he was living with his parent becouse they were elderly and getting old. they moved out to another town. where it was quite.

so a yr or so later I decided to move to the same town to make it easer for my boyfriend and I to be closer, as far as distance and I wanted to be there incase his parents needed help.

my boyfriend hides this from me and thats why i'm upset. becouse. I got an e-mail fron his daugerter, it was a doc fron a financial instatution. becouse his daughter needs to make a loan. I don't mind the loan but it's how they are going about it.

my boy friend has 2 other daugters, 1 is married and self sufishent, and the other one is engaged and going to collage.

now my boyfriend seems to think he can saver their worlds and not look after his own.

He works like a dog sometimes putting 180 hrs. in a pay period. with little sleep and my pationce. we have managed to get this far.

now here come the non trusting part.

this was not for me to find out this way. his daughter needs a sustantial amount of money. she wants her father, my boyfriend to co sign a bank note that he would be responsable. which means our life be damed. she can not be trusted to pay tis substanial amount of money. and her father my boy friend is not telling me about this transaction untill I found out about it from an e-mail from the bank manager to my address.. and no this was not a mistacke. it wad deliberatly sent to me. now wheather or not it was done to upset me , well it worked.

I confronted my boyfriend about the e-mail and he said it's non of m busseness and procedded to storm off. in anger.

this is not right. I think he should have at least told me about it becouse it concerns our future, what do you think.

I told his I can't and will not live with this kind of secrets and zi told hime to pick up his things from my hows. it was over.

didi it di the ritght thing by doing this. oh by the way this is not the only story that involves this daughter.

Maybe you should try and see things through his eyes to find a solution. What if the tables were turned and it was him with a friend of the opposite sex that you used to work with and didn't like? What would you be ok with? Would you mind if she came to dinner? Maybe whatever would bother you the least would bother him the least also, and if you make it really clear to him that this is important to you, then maybe you can compromise and have  him over for dinner and football or something. If they both like football, then they don't have to be uncomfortable trying to make small talk with each other. Just a thought. I had a guy friend that I've known for 20 yrs. My X couldn't stand him and he only met him once! Now here is something to think about too, I think my X sensed that my friend was interested in me for more than just a friend, and I was totally clueless about it! If guys sense a competition, then they get their panties all in a wad. So I told my X how important that my friend was to me, and was it ok, it he just came for dinner and football or something. I would not disrespect my husband by going out with my friend alone, so my only alternative was to try to talk him into letting him come to the house every once in a while, and he actually agreed. BTW, when I got divorced my friend did actually hit on me! So my X was right. GOD I hate to admit it! LOL!!

Damn dee! I can't even comprehend a family wanting to disown their own daughter so often! Especially when you are the good one! Maybe they want to be like you and they aren't and it makes them feel bad about themselves, so they take it out on you. I dunno. But that really sucks, it's gotta hurt. Well, we love you!!! I agree that you should just try not to consentrate on what they think, you have no control over them or what they do. All you can do is the best you can, and know in your heart that you did, and let it go, the rest is up to them. I don't even know you, but from your posts that I have read, I can tell that you are an awesome person. It's their bad, not yours. We will adopt you!!!!!!! :)