Topic : Communication

I know your b/f is important to you. You are swallowing all his abuse because you feel there is still an emotional bond between you.

I never said making yourself happy would be easy, but you need to try very hard. If you don't know how to make yourself happy, it sounds to me like you don't know yourself very well. Start getting intouch with your inner self (i.e. your soul). First step - stop feeling sorry for yourself. Instead, think about what you'd like to do.

Consider a temporary solution whereby, if you can get your mum to baby-sit your kids for one day a week and another friend or family member for another day, that could at least free up 2 days where you can take time out for you. Tell them it's not long-term, and you aren't ignoring your responsibilities as a parent. But you need to take time out to take care of yourself first and build up your self-esteem to do x, y, z plans. If you can't take time out, then make time to do something for yourself at home. For example, learn to cook a new recipe each week. Challenge yourself. Bake yourself a 3 tiered cake one day, make the best french toast the next etc...

Was just thinking, if you're religious, perhaps go to a local priest or speak to a nun/sister once a week and talk to him/her about your problems. See what he/she has to say. You don't have to follow their advice if you don't want to, but they can act as a 'quasi' counsellor and the cost is free. The important thing is, you have someone independent and non-biased/ non-judgemental who can listen to your problems. Sometimes it helps being able to voiceout your problems.

As I mentioned before, read, read, read. I have found in practically borrowing out the local library's stock of books on relationships over the past few months, I have been able to understand myself, my behaviour & my relationship better. I am taking care of myself and my world does not evolve around my b/f anymore. You see, it actually never started that way, but I got sooo sucked into my life with him, I was suffocating him and myself in the relationship to the extent I didn't have a life without him on my arm - and that made me anxious all the time. Now I am not so dependent on him, I have started seeing my friends again, intend to take up tai chi once a week, and maybe dancing lessons as well. I don't know if my relationship with my b/f will work out or not, but I know that I've tried everything I possibly can to make it work and while it may be sad, I feel I can leave without any regrets if it gets to that point.

First I would like to say that I have never posted anything on here before but was thinking that maybe someone might be able to give me some words of advice. I saw your post and it reminds me of  a little of my relationship. My mom absolutely hates my boyfriend and as much as he trys to get along with her she just pushes him away. He agreed to stay here with me and try to work things out with my mom but she just kept making it harder and harder on both of us.  He stayed here for around 6 months and tried to get a job but nothing was working out for either of us. He ended up going back home, which was a good thing because his dad's not doing so good so he needs to be there for him but i hate the situation because I dont' get to see him very much at all. We've been together for almost 9 months now and I can tell you that it's not easy being away from him, but it's working. My mom is kinda getting used to it she still hates but she's getting used to the idea. Once I finish college then I'm moving there to be with him. I still love my family and they are important to me and I don't want to lose them and I dont' want to lose him either, so I had to compromise and get a little bit of both even though it's hard.

     So to answer your question should he stay and try to and cope or should he move back. I don't know if my answer will really help or not but from what you were saying he really loves you and I think that he would be willing to stay and try to work things out. If things don't really seem like they are going right which you'll know if they aren't then maybe you might consider moving with him? i know this probably didnt' help much but maybe hearing someone with the situation that are in will help you to understand. I know that it has helped me to know that I'm not the only one that is in a situation like this and that it's hard to deal with but being able to talk to others about it helps me. if you ever need to talk about this you can message me and I can try to help as best as I can.

Yes, I have three children- ages 16, 10 and 9, all girls. When I started my intensive (I had to be “unbrainwashed”) therapy ten years ago, I brought the baby with me. It was the best gift I could have ever given myself. I had a great therapist. I remember being very scared to seek therapy; I thought only crazy people did that, etc.- all those untrue stereotypes that are floating around in our society. My therapist told me that therapy was for me, it didn’t matter what anyone else thought or said about it- besides, no one needed to know, and most people didn’t.

Don’t use ADD as an excuse for her behavior. Is your girlfriend being treated by a Dr. for her anxiety? If not, the best thing you could do for her and for your relationship is to encourage her to go to the Dr. (If insurance/payment is an issue, look in your yellow pages for clinics in your area that charge based on a sliding fee scale.) If she is being treated by a Dr. and/or is on medication, it is possible that it isn’t the correct medication or dosage for her.

My advice to you is this: approach your girlfriend and tell her that you love her, that you care for her very much, that you want to be here for her forever, and that her happiness is important to you. But, your happiness is important, also; when she gets in a “mood” as you put it, she does not have the right to lash out at you. Instead, she needs to find a more constructive way to get her frustrations out. You don’t hurt the person that you love. Assure her that you aren’t going anywhere, and that you know she loves you back the same way that you love her. For example, you might say something like this, “I love you so much and I want for us to have a long, happy and stable relationship. You and I both know that there are times that you get into a bad mood, and you say hurtful things. I always know that you are sorry, and I accept your apologies; but, hon, I worry that this will damage our relationship. I was thinking we could try an experiment. For the next month, lets agree that if we have an argument or something, and you need to ask me if I was trying to hurt you, that you ask me once. If you feel that you need to keep asking me, tell me that you feel that way and we will work together to find a way to distract you. This is so that we can work on breaking this pattern our relationship is getting into. I never want our relationship to be bad, I only want it to be good, and to do that we have to work together….” Give it a try, putting a time limit on it for like a month or three weeks is so that she knows, in the beginning, that this is only for “X amount of time,” because breaking these toxic patterns might be difficult. The next advice I have for you is to read Dr. Phil’s book, Relationship rescue- it is a great book! You and your girlfriend will grow closer and have a long, happy relationship if you read it together, do the exercises, and really listen to one another. I wish you the best!

Hey!  Thanks for writing back again.  So you brought your baby with you, I didnt know they would allow that, I guess I'll need to find someone who wont mind that.  Also I probly wouldnt want to tell anyone nither.  I think my friends and some of my family may look down on that, and ask why do YOU need to go?  So I will keep it on "the down low" for now.  For now I keep my pesonal thoughts in a daily diary, its helped alot to write my thoughts down to myself.  I take out my stress on pen and paper and feels good to just spill it all out.

Other than that things have been mellow between me and my b/f.  He hasent really went out lately.  Him and I have been making a point to watch a movie a night after WE put the kids to bed.  The other night he had friends over, they were working on a truck, so I decided to go to my best friends house [also my next door neibore]  and watch a movie with her because I knew he would be a while.  It felt good just to hang out and watch a movie with her and our kids.  By the time we were done our movie he was done the truck, so i came home, we put the kids to bed, then him and I watched a show, then went to bed. 

I know things dont just change over night, i know we'll have more fights, but right now i'm happy that we designate the weekdays our movie nights, and now my friend and I have decided saturday will be our night to do something, movie, cards, tea and chatting you know something.  And any night we dont have our kids we vowed to get out togeather!!! 

sounds like you're taking steps in the right direction. keep going that way.

and writing in a diary is a good thing. and useful on a nuber of levels. one like you said, it just helps to vent your frustartions. but you can also use it to show your counselor where you are in your journey. i did that when i had to go to counselling. it was very helpful. because there were things i was comfortable writing, but i just couldn't SAY them. so it was a good way to show her the things i was feeling but couldn't say. you follow?

keep working on it. you'll find your happy spot. it just takes work, and time. be patient.

Hey all. Just to say somethoughts here. I have found  that with talking life, and love will grow to new places. I have been talking with a new girlfriend for months now, and we have talked, and talked. I have also found this to be another way of showing care, and  the things we learn about each other is so awsome. WE have talked in the night, and once when the sun can up lol. This is a way of showing love to her, and that I have a strong interest in to know her. Anyway this is my story, and I am sticking to it lol. randy is Gods country.

I SWEAR I will keep this short, or at least as short as possible.

Last fall a 4 yr old casual/occasional relationship i had with a woman friend escalated.  (No there was never intimacy involved)  It was casual/occasional because i was dealing with Post Divorce perceptions, and she was dealing with the same.  We were both hurt horribly, and the trust issue is not one either of us were ready to abandon.

However, timing and coincidence crossed our paths and we just connected.  It was mutual, and we spent 4 months just enjoying being together, and learning things about each other. Tiny things, but the walls were coming down, albeit very slowly, and it was a subject that neither of us talked about.  Bluntly, we both had feelings, and we never communicated them.

Then on V'day, i cam back from out of town after 6 days gone, to surprise her, and it was like a light switch was turned off.  Without warning she was cold and told me her feelings had changed. 

I know i am guilty of not releasing my feelings. But it seems that when i finally did, i excaserbated the situation.  She gave me a few cliche'ed things, NONE of which i am fully guilty of.  (Im not proclaiming my infallibilty)  i am just trying to deal with what to do. I have asked what she wants me to do. Do we call it quits, or just walk away and pretend we didnt connect like we did.  She has put a wall up and cannot respond in spite of my trying to get a simple yes/no response. 

I know parts of her history and have no desire to force her into anything. I am totally understanding, but i have a heart too, and just cant find a way to approach how to deal with being patient.   I hold her feelings in higher regard than i can explain, so i dont want her to feel forced into a corner.  Quite the contrary.  My  joy would be in her feeling free to express whatever it is that she wants to release. 

So heres my Question... 

Do i just walk away?  Tell her to call me when shes ready? 

Do I give up and walk away without hope? 

For any of you who wonder, I have no idea why i can be so good at making descisions in my life otherwise,  For the 1st time in my life i have a woman that slowly climbed into my heart, and i dont know what to do to deal with it?

Any words of wisdom???

And BTW,  I already know the last hardest lesson i ever learned is Communication, communication, and COMMUNICATION.....

Sounds like she is scared to death of getting hurt again and doesn't trust her own feelings.  That emotional wall the she has up right now is incredibly hard to take down (as you know)  and there is not much you can do to help her.  When one gets too close she pulls back to protect herself from the possibility of getting hurt again.  She has to learn how to take risks again which is very hard to do and may need to seek therapy to learn how to do so.

For right now I wouldn't pressure her at all - tell her to call you if and when she wants to talk.  Basically hope for the best but don't hold your breath.  Communication is very important but she's emotionally closed down, I have a feeling you'll be put on an emotional roller coaster ride from hell at this point and time if you choose to persue this relationship.