Topic : Communication

I have been married 2-1/2 years. I am currently having communication problems with my Husband.  I have suggested counseling and I have even gone to counseling by myself at which I quit going when the counselor told me that he could only help me and not both of us since my husband wouldnt go.  The problem is every time I ask if we can talk, he shuts down and stops talking altogether.  I have tried many things and one was yelling, and I have even hit him, which Im not proud of and have stopped myself from hitting again. 

I read a book about a situation called withdrawal and avoidance: Hide and Seek.   Basically he shuts down sometimes for days or weeks and I keep pursuing, because I want the issue resolved.  After I quit pursuing after him to fix the problem things go back to normal for him, like nothing happened, but my feelings are being bottled up and every time I want to talk to him he tells me no.  I even ask when hes going to talk to me and he tells me he doesnt know.  I feel like Im going to explode (yelling) and thats basically what I do when he shuts down. I dont know how to control my emotions.  I have never been this bad before, mainly because other people talk and resolve issues with me.  I dont know where I went wrong, its like he chooses when communication will happen in our relationship.

Everyone I talk to hasnt come across this situation before; Im beginning to think Im the only one experiencing this.    

I tried to get him to read the book with me and he told me you cant learn anything from a book.

He refuses to go to counseling and he refuses to have a sit down conversation with me about our relationship.  I have written him letters that he says he didnt read.  Im at a crossroads and I dont know what to do.  I want to be able to communicate how I fill to him with out him shutting down.

Our most current argument was because he always tells me to pet the dogs and for some reason I dont like him telling me to pet the dogs and I tried to set down with him to tell him to stop asking me to pet the dogs and that I would pet them when I wanted to pet them.  Im not for sure what happened but he shut down before we could even resolve or discuss anything.  After he shut down my emotions got the better of me and I did yell at him, but now we are on our second day of not talking.  I asked if we could talk tonight and he told me no.  So I left him alone.  Basically I fell like I got to forget about what happened and never mention the issue again so we can get back to our normal lives, but that hasnt helped in the past, because the old issues get brought back up again in the next argument.

The main issue is the fact that he wont talk, that is what upsets me every time I want to have a conversation with him. He avoids and withdrawals from his own wife.

I've been dating a guy for almost 2 years now.  I love him a lot; we get along great.  My only worries are with his friends.  I'm not sure if it's just my pessimism and me convincing myself of the worst case scenario...the beginning of January is always a sad time for me because of memories, so maybe it's just me only looking at the bad things and overlooking the good.  Anyway...here's what's up:

We've been dating long enough to know eachother's likes, dislikes, and petpeeves.  I think he knows mine pretty well.  For example, I'm not very good with change.  It's very hard for me to automatically become friends with someone new.  It took me a long time to warm up to his friends, but I passed that and we all get along great now.  But now, his current friends are bringing NEW friends!

Fridays are always a party night for him and his friends; everyone gathers at his house and drink and play games.  I don't drink, but I have nothing against others enjoying themselves as long as they don't pester me about drinking (which is one of the things that I love about them so much...they know I don't drink, and they don't harrass me about it).   I go over and just have fun playing games and watching other's fumble from the alcohol (haha).  When I first started coming to these get-togethers, it was the same group of 10 or 15 people for months.  Right when I started getting to know these people and opening up, more people started coming. 

Naturally, it's not my place to say who can be a friend or who can come and who can't...heck, I don't even WANT to be a picky jerk like that.  It's just that I feel very uncomfortable in these situations.  And it seems to have been happening consistantly for the last few months.  About 4 months ago, a guy named Ben started coming more.  They all knew him from high school, but I'm not from around here, so he was new to me.  Not to mention the fact that that's when he FIRST started hanging out with them in years.  Right when I started feeling comfortable around Ben, another guy brings his new girlfriend Patti.  She was and still is very hard for me to warm up to, but I'm getting better at it (again, she's a person they all went to high school with, so they all knew her already).  Now, lately, she's been bringing all of HER friends (again, old people from high school, just from a different group).  Not only are these people new, but they're much different than the group I know; they're louder, they drink more, they interrupt people, they're bringing in new games and insulting or changing the old games we played.

What's making this even more odd for me, is the fact that these arn't my boyfriend's friends....these are other people's friends.  I feel like this girl is making herself too much at home far too early.  True, I didn't have a lot of friends before I met my boyfriend (obviously, because i've always had a hard time warming up to people and accepting changes), but I don't just randomly bring the friends I do have (Annie or Tina) to the parties.  And I certainly wouldn't without asking my boyfriend and some of his friends that I'm comfortable with if it was ok. 

I know most of this issue is me.  I need to learn to get over my fear/uneasiness with change.  But I also feel like my boyfriend, who knows how uncomfortable I am with this, should do some things to help with it.  Like limiting the 'freedom' that some of these newcomers have. 

I just don't know what to say to my boyfriend.  I can tell him that I'm uncomfortable, but what else do I say.  It's not my place to make rules at HIS house; I don't find it acceptable for partners to force eachother to drop friends (heck, i don't even WANT him to drop his original friends); I don't want to make him feel like he has to make drastic changes just for me.  How do I solve this?  I enjoy the games and socializing with the people I know at these parties; I don't want to stop going just because these new people make me uncomfortable.  What this especially makes me worry about is what's going to happen later, if and when we move in together.  Will I be able to have a say in this without making him mad or coming off as a 'heal' to him and his friends?