Topic : Communication

MY BOYFRIEND AND I HAVE BEEN TOGETHER FOR  7 YEARS. HE IS 33 I AM 25.. OUR RELATION SHIP IS GREAT.. AND I LOVE HIM VERY MUCH. BUT HE DOESN'T GET ALONG WITH MY FAMILY FOR VERY GOOD REASONS.. MY FAMILY LIVES ABOUT 45 MINS AWAY FROM US. I DONT DRIVE AND HE WONT EVEN DRIVE ME TO GO SEE THEM SO BOUT TWICE A MONTH I TAKE A TRAIN AND SPEND  LIKE 4 HOURS WITH THEM. HE SEEMS TO THINK THAT I SPEND TOO MUCH TIME AND IT WASTES OUR DAY TOGETHER I TELL HIM HE IS BEING KINDA POSSESIVE AND HE ARGUES WITH ME. SOMETIMES WHEN I COME BACK FROM MY VISITS HE WONT TALK TO ME FOR A DAY.. I CAN T PUT UP WITH IT. I LOVE MY FAMILY VERY MUCH THEY ARE MY WORLD. BUT ON THE OTHER HAND ME AND HIM ARE PERFECT TOGETHER AND HAVE A GREAT RELATIONSHIP. OTHER THAN THIS ONE BARRIER.. WE CANT SEEM TO GET OVER. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO.. PART OF ME WANTS TO RISK PUTTING MYSELF THRU PAIN AND LEAVE HIM SO I CAN SPEND MORE TIME WITH MY FAMILY. BUT PART OF ME DOESNT WANT TO LIVE WITHOUT HIM FOR SOMETHING SO STUPID.. PLEASE ANY ADVICE WOULD BE GREATLY APPRECIATED...  :(

I am 21 years old and my boyfriend of 6 months is 36 years old. Obviously.. We are 15 years apart. He has no children but has been married before. He is one the most amazing men I have ever been with! My parents are  weird about the whole situation but arent trying to get in the way because I am an adult and can make my own decisions. But they dont hesitate to put their little comments about my relationship. They keep telling me that I will realize later down the road how big our age gap really is. When we are together.. I am unbelievably happy. Our ages never come into the picture. I dont worry about how old he is and he isnt worried about how old I am because it really doenst matter. He will always be that much older than but is it so bad that we are happy and we are 15 years apart. Life is so short and you cant live your life with regrets. I guess I just dont see what the big fuss is about because we are happy and do enjoy each other. The friends that I am closest with tell me.. As long as the man treats you with respect and cares about you then age is nothing but a number. But how do I get past my confusion with my parents? Things are not going to change between him and I because like Dr. Phil says.. "Opinions are like asses.. everyone has one." I guess I am just seeking advice or support on it. Because I want to be with him because I am sooo happy that i cant contain it in a box! Thanks!

I think that I can shed some light on your parent’s perspective. Your parents love you- they only want the very best for you. They believe that you are making a mistake; so instead of seeing how happy you are, they only see their own opinion. The only thing that you can do is assure them that you understand their concerns, and that you appreciate their concern. Let them know that you acknowledge the age difference, but it just isn’t an issue with either of you. The worse thing you can do is to engage in arguments about this relationship with them. I know it is tempting to yell and tell them to keep out of your business; but that would be like going back in time and being a teen again. If you were to lose control over the things that they say, they would probably feel that their concerns are valid; why else would you so easily ‘lose it’ unless you were under stress from this relationship? (I’m just giving a good guess at what they might think!)

This relationship is still very new. At six months old, the relationship is still in the ‘honeymoon’ phase. My advice to you is this: enjoy your happiness! BUT, if there comes a time when you are no longer happy, or if you realize that the relationship isn’t as fulfilling as you wished/hoped it would be, do not hesitate to get out of it. Don’t stay in a relationship to try to ‘prove’ your parents are wrong; that would be, again, like going back into the teen years.

Have your parents spent much time around your boyfriend? Perhaps if they got to know him better, they would see him for the person he is instead of what his age is. Although it might be uncomfortable at first, it would be a good idea to bring your boyfriend around your parents more, so that they can really get to know him.

One last bit of advice: Go to your parents and ask them, in a very calm, rational manner, if they will try to get to know your boyfriend. Assure your parents that you understand what their concerns are, but you are happy, and you would be even happier if they would at least try to get to know this man you care about. I wish you the best!

Although you describe your relationship as “perfect” with the exception of this one issue, as an outsider looking in, it isn’t a healthy relationship. I’m not saying that to be mean or anything, so please don’t become defensive- just think about what I’m going to write to you.

You only have one family, and your family loves you very much. Your family wants to see you be happy and healthy. The man that you love should also want you to be happy and healthy. That is probably what you want for him, too- for him to be happy and live a fulfilling life.

I think that the amount of time you spend with your family is reasonable. It is very sad and it is very unreasonable that your boyfriend gives you the ‘silent treatment’ after you’ve visited your family. It is sad that he won’t even take you to visit them! What is he afraid will happen if you visit your family? Is he so insecure that he thinks you can only have love for one person, and he needs that one person to be him? Why won’t he drive you to visit them, what reasons does he give you?

I need to address what you say at the end of your message. You said: “BUT PART OF ME DOESNT WANT TO LIVE WITHOUT HIM FOR SOMETHING SO STUPID..” Nothing about this issue is stupid. This is actually a very serious, valid concern for you to have. You say that you can’t put up with it, and you shouldn’t have to. You’ve been with him for 7 years and he is still like this, so that proves he isn’t going to change. When you try to talk to him about the way he treats you after you’ve visited your family, does he attempt to twist the issue around and make it seem like you’ve done something wrong? This is an unhealthy way to live. You deserve to experience the true joy of having a happy, healthy relationship with ALL the people that you love. I urge you to seriously consider “risking” this relationship to spend more time with your family. A man who really loves you, who really wants you to be happy, would have no problem with you spending time with family or anyone else for that matter. It isn’t healthy for a relationship if the two of you only spend time with each other, anyway. If he won’t accept that you want to spend more time with your family, you need to know in your heart that this man isn’t right for you. It will hurt, of course it will, you’ve spent a big chunk of your life with this person- but if doing the right thing was easy, we’d all have perfect lives, wouldn’t we? Doing the right thing is most often very difficult and painful. But, putting yourself first will become easier and easier the more that you do it- and you need to begin doing that today. I wish you the very best- take care of YOU.

what does a guy mean when he says "why do I have to check in with you"  or  " I feel like I have to check in with you"  Backgournd story:  I dated this man for two years then he decided to be just friends because he didn't like the pressure or expectations.  That was last April.  At the beginning of this year we started seeing each other again... talking a lot , going out frequently, doing things together even more so than before, saying i love you, buying things for each other etc...well, he went out of town on business and i figured he'd be courteous and call to let me know he was home safe.  He didn't and i got hurt feelings.  I called him the day after he got home and he told me how busy he was doing things and i calmly told him that i was a little hurt that he didn't tell me he was home.

That's when he said "why do i have to check in with you" or something to that effect.  he proceded to say that he thinks he has been sending the wrong signals lately...he loves me and enjoys spending time with me but we're better just being friends...no expectations.  From my point of view I just thought I was showing care by seeing that he made it home safely...i would ask him for explanation but he texted me and said he is pissed off and not in the mood to talk and will contact me when he's not so p.o.

Have you forgiven him? I think you have to take the firtst step now, if you like him of course!

I play video games on a website that has porn on it and I am constantly defending myself to my gf because of it. She thinks I look at the women on the site when I dont....I strictly go for the games. I was using the site 3 yrs before I met her and I feel like shes really overreacting. The porn is there but you have the option of avoiding it and I do. There are  very small addys around the games that you have to click on so its not like its shoved right in your face. I honestly just go for the games and she doesnt believe me which leads to long drawn out arguments sometimes. I feel like I am being nagged and treated unfairly. I would love some feedback from other women on how they would feel about their own bf or husbands on this.

Hi There

 

I just wanted to say thank you for your frank and honest feedback, and to let you know that we broke up a week ago. Since then i feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Although i have been very upset to loose someone i love, i do realise that i deserve better. Now i know that when i am ready to look for another relationship, i can be firm about what i want, and what kind of treatment i expect.

 

Im also getting a copy of Love Smart to help me out!

 

 

Hi there!

Well done for asking our opinion regarding your games/porn site. Personally, i think your girlfriend may just be objecting to you gaining access to this gaming site because she is morally against pornography as a whole, regardless of whether you are looking at it or not.

 

It seems you may have a 'moral clash'. Do you think it would be possible to find another gaming site which you enjoy that doesnt have porn? Seems like a simple solution to me...it would avoid a lot of arguments and you would still be able to have fun gaming.

 

Let us know how it goes!

It really doesn't matter  what other people think of porn - what matters is how your GF feels when you are on this site.  If this is something that is destroying your relationship then you have 2 choices.  Either stop visiting this site or watch your relationship go down the toilet.  It comes down to what is more important to you....

 

I honestly would have no problem with it but I am secure enough in my relationship and with myself that this would not bother me and I am open minded as well.  Maybe your girlfriend sees this as a threat, has other issues regarding your relationship or simply just hates any kind of porn.   See if you two can come to a compromise or simply just talk to her about how she views porn in general.   Your choices can make or break a relatonship so listen to her carefully and then th ball is in your court.