Topic : Communication

Hi everyone and anyone who is reading this.

I'm kind of in a quandry. I was married for 14 years and during that time I was diagnosed with an extremely rare from of heart disease called Restrictive Cardiomyopathy. I am now 36 and was diagnosed when I was 28. I am in stage three heart failure but have been for the past 8 years. The problem is that the doctors just cannot tell me if I am going to get sicker or not, or if I will, when. They don't know anything about this disease, and I am seeing some of the best in the country.

I feel fine considering my situation. I am an active person, and only have few limits.  I can live my life just fine and I don't have any plans on dying. My question is in regards to a new woman I met a little while ago. She is a little bit younger than I am and is truly a sweet and caring woman. For now this is a long distance relationship. I am scared to death to tell her about my illness because she may decide that it is just too much to handle.

When should I tell her? Before it gets really serious? After?

How do I begin dating again without being so scared about telling someone about this?

All relationships require 100% honesty from the get go.  I think the best time to tell her of your medical issues is now so she can make an informed decision as to whether or not she wants to continue with this relationship.  It may in fact be too much for her to handle but it could save the both of you alot of heartache down the road before each of you get too invested in this relationship.

My boyfriend and I have dated for over 2 years. he has lived with me for almost a year now. Well monday we got into an arguement and I finally spoke the truth about how I feel he handles things and that he thinks he is better then everyone by feeling he doesnt need to do what is required of him. He feels that nothing is going to happen to him and if it does then oh well.. well since I said that I think that I really pushed him over the edge b/c he hasnt even tried to talk to me or look at me or anything. Since his car is in the shop this week I am having to take him to work and he wont even acknowledge that I am doing this for him.. I want to know if I did something wrong and should I try to make things better or just let him throw his little fit until he decides that what I am saying is true?

 

Also, financially I have supported him for a while now. he has a job but doesnt even think of helping me out. we just took a trip so he could check out the school he wants to go to for football and he didnt even try to attempt to help me pay for it. Granted I have a great job with great pay and make more in one pay check then he does the whole month, I dont mind helping him, but i do have bills that I have to pay (that he doesnt help with). I feel bad if I was to just cut him off but I dont know what else to do?

The situation that you are living in is actually a very common one. As women, we tend to be the ‘caretaker’ in our relationships. We are the ones feeling sorry for our partner, while our partner lives as though he can do no wrong; like he is always right, he is superior, and everyone else is inferior. When we think about all of the disrespectful ways we are being treated. . . Our thoughts go back to, ‘I feel sorry for him..’ I strongly urge you to think about YOU. Think about what is best for yourself, because you should be feeling sorry for YOU, not him!
It is really great that you have a good job, that you can pay your own bills, etc., but that does not mean you should be paying for him, too. Why does he deserve a free ride, while other adults pay their own way? If he at least made the offer to pay you something, if he at least made a gesture towards being financially responsible, I’m sure you would be feeling totally different. But the truth of the matter is that he does not do that. He has a free ride, a meal ticket, and he is milking you for all he can. And right now, you’ve given him a dose of reality; he doesn’t like it, so he is going to give you the silent treatment until YOU apologize! That doesn’t make sense; please don’t do that to yourself. Respect yourself, because if you don’t respect yourself, no one else is going to respect you, either.
I urge you to think about how you want to be treated in a long term, loving relationship. Do you want to be an equal partner, do you want to be able to tell him how you are feeling, and to have him listen- really listen- to your thoughts/feelings? Of course you do. That isn’t what you have with this man. Its time to evaluate this relationship and perhaps cut your losses. I wish you the best!

I have been dating a man for about 8 months.  He is constantly making remarks about other women.  For example while we're watching a movie he'll say "I wonder if I'm going to be able to see a little titty in this movie"? or if we're dribing down the street and there is a car wash with girls in bikini's he'll say "Can I get the car washed"?  or "There's a bikini contest at the Edgewater tomorrow night". 

I have expressed that it bothers me.  When I do, we get in a fight.  I am not mad at him when he does this, my ego is hurt.  He doesn't understand and says that he doesn't want to have to worry about what he says and how he acts.

He is also a big flirt.  I think he does all this to upset me.

Any advice?  He is 51 yrs. old.

Usually the problem between men and women is that the woman wants to talk and the man either can't or won't.  My relationship with my fiancee is just the opposite. 

I enjoy talking about everything from what happened in our day to deep emotional issues.  My fiancee rarely starts a conversation and when we are talking her answers can be one word "clues" to what she may be thinking / feeling.  When I press for an answer - or just a grunt of acknowledgment - she says she's thinking.  But too often that thinking never results in any answer.  I've asked her time and again to hear me and respond to me - if out of common courtesy if nothing else.  She has said at times she didn't hear my question making me wonder if she's hard of hearing.  But she seems to hear other things just fine.  I, know many of you women are saying "Yup, that's just how it is with my husband".  But it is very aggravating.

Any thoughts or insight on this is appreciated.

Thanks,

You didn't say what the personal tragety was or how he was unable to deal with it - but that seems like the root of the matter.  It's hard to predict what each of us would do when faced with deep emotional pain.  I've personally seen people change overnight in response to the sudden death of a loved one.   If someone can't handle the feelings themselves that really need to speak with a therapist.  And they'll also need the support of their loved ones.

That he came back, has apologized, and wants to make a go of it seems to me like a good thing.  He may still need to talk to someone not only to put these events to rest but also to learn tools to handle these situations in the future. 

As for your feelings, you may need to attend a couple session(s) with this same therapist or counsellor.  Yes, you have a right to feel hurt but it sounds like it's poisioning the relationship. 

As for the issue of space this is another topic of conversation with a counsellor.  You said you were together for three years before this all started.  Did you feel the relationship was going somewhere (marriage).  Was space an issue before? Some space is healthy and good but it can also lead to disconnecting with your partner. 

Hope this helps.

Sounds like there's multiple problems here.   We all have an easier time seeing the faults and flaws of others than of ourselves.  That he acts like an ass (hope I can say that here) and is selfish goes past minor character flaws.  Maybe he'll grow out of it as he matures (assuming he's young now) , maybe he won't.  At some point you have to realize he isn't going to change unless and until he wants too.  So you're left with #1 accepting his behavior, #2 waiting or trying to get him to change - possibly with the assistance of a counselor, or #3 move on to someone who isn't a jerk.

As for the money issue here are my two cents (sorry for the pun) .  If he's working he should contribute monetarily proportionally to the relationship.  Carrying someone isn't healthy for you or them. 

From what you’ve described, I doubt that your fiance is hard of hearing. It is more likely that she comes from a background where she did not learn to talk about feelings, or that she does not like talking about thoughts/feelings for a reason linked to her background. Do you know much about her personal family/relationship history?
I know that this must be very frustrating for you, have you ever directly asked her, ‘why don’t you communicate your thoughts/feelings to me?’ If she claims she doesn’t hear, repeat the question. Over and over until you get an answer, if necessary. It sounds like when there is something she doesn’t want to talk about, she has ‘selective hearing,’ and she is just waiting for you to move on to another topic or leave her alone. Don’t give up- don’t move on or give up! 

I'm going to burst the bubble he there and just say... how are you engaged?

 

You got engaged with someone who lacks the ability to sympathize and empathize emotions in which you love doing. The ability to make to think about emotional ideas and issues is a fantastic thing one person can have (not all people have it). For such a person to have a partner who lacks this ability is just astonishing.

 

If this is something you really like doing, I would suggest re-evaluating the engagement. You will lack the ability to do what you enjoy during the marriage because she is unable to. This can have horrible long-term effects unless you really think about this.

 

I have similiar problems with my partner (not engaged). It's a little different though. I find it difficult to share anything with her because she gets offensive and emotional on just about anything. It's putting a damper on any further progress on the relationship. If it does not change, of course I will have to let her go.

 

Have a good one,

 

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