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Topic : 12/29 Drunken Mistakes

Number of Replies: 340
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Created on : Thursday, October 05, 2006, 04:41:03 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 10/10/06) Dottie is concerned for her 22-year-old daughter, Carly, because her drinking is out of control. Carly has already been arrested for driving under the influence, but she still drinks and drives! Dottie fears Carly will end up killing herself or someone else. Carly says she knows she has a problem, but drinking is the only way she can have a good time. Then, Heather and Sierra's brother was killed by a drunk driver, Michael, who also happened to be his friend. Michael received a sentence of five to 11 years, but wants his time reduced. He joins the show via satellite from prison and has a proposal for Dr. Phil. See what Dr. Phil has to say to this offender and talk about the show here.

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October 10, 2006, 7:30 am CDT

10 Years

Quote From: cs3517

 

   I have a significant other that I have been living with since May who drinks, and drinks and drinks. Maybe not that much but so it seems.  When we first met I worked nights and he worked days. By the time I got home he was already in bed and he was up and gone before I got up in the morning. Everything seemed great...I was offered a different job and we moved to another town, where now I work days..the same as him.  We moved into together and things were going fine..so I thought. Then I started noticing little things...bringing home some beers, buying liquor by the gallon! His favorite is captain morgan...I had no idea you can buy that stuff by the gallon! I am not a drinker..well a glass of wine at dinner occasionaly is about it. Over the last few months he has been drinking more and more. Getting drunk two to three times a week. He goes thru an average of 2 gallons of captain morgan a week, and that is just what he drinks at the house not after work or at his friends house. I tried talking to him about his drinking and obviously he gets upset. Says, he just wants to relax and have a few drinks, or, noone is going to tell me that I cant have a drink in my own house. He does drive also after drinking and I discuss that with him also. He says he has all of his motor skills and is just fine.(yea right)  He is not physical with me when he's drinking, thank GOD but the next day he sometimes wont go to work(he works for himself) and stays home and sleeps all day. He will sleep on the couch for hours at a time and just wants to be left alone leavfing me to do whatever. He then apologizes for his actions but it's getting to the point that I can no longer live with him this way. I want to help him get help on one hand but just want to jump ship on the other. I have had enough relationships in my life that I am not for sure if I am willing to see this thru with him. I havent given him the ultimadem yet that if he doesnt get help I'm leaving( at the moment I'm out of town on business) but it is coming when I get back home. I've already decided that.  The night before I had to leave on business, he got drunk..again...didnt get up til noon and I had to leave for my flight by 2. I was sure hoping that since I was going to be gone for two weeks he would of wanted to spend some time with me, not the captain!  On one note..he is home when he's drinking or at a buddy's house..never at the bars, even though thats not an excuse. But every time he walks to the cupboard to pour a drink,  it puts such an awful chill down my spine? I want to help him, I think. But also I have my life together, I have a good job and dont know if I'm willing to stick it thru with him..what if he doesnt want the help? He has told me on several occasions he's not going to quit drinking. Also, another problem is he does not like confrontation. He avoids it like the plague.  I can use all the advice I can get on this one!  Should I stay and help him if he wants help or just pack up and go on my maerry way and let the next person that comes along deal with it??

I would like you to understand 1 thing.  An ultimatum will not work.  He will only quit if he wants to and at this point that's highly unlikely.  My significnt other of 10 years is a heavy drinker.  Alcoholic although he will not admit it.  When he is sober during the day, he is a wonderfully attentative and caring man, however he drinks every night.  I can talk until I'm blue in the face, but he will not quit.  The things that I have accomplished are:  1.  No alcohol comes in the house.  2.  I generally leave him talking to air as he repeats everything 50 times.  3.  Don't tolerate any disorderly behavior.  He knows he will be told to leave, even escorted out with help.  4.  I go no where with him that there will be drinking involved.  5.  If I can prevent it, he doesn't drive anywhere.   6.  What ever happens when he's been drinking is his responsibility and he alone will answer for his actions.  And finally:  I never confront or argue with him when he's drunk.  They are beyond reason at that point.  I wait til he's sober then confront quietly.  Point out his behavior.  He either takes it to heart or cops an attitude.  If he cops an attitude, OH WELL, he knows where the door is.  Don't let it hit you in the butt on the way out.  I don't need him to survive.  

 

If you can deal with that all well and good, but if you can't tolerate it now then take care of you and let him go.  You can not help anyone who doesn't want it.  He has to want it for himself and will stay as long as you put up with the abuse of alcohol.  Anyone who drinks as much as he does especially hard liquor, has a real problem and needs professional help.  You can not do it.

 

Take care, my friend.  Your life, health and well being come first.

 
October 10, 2006, 7:48 am CDT

Carly

This is very sad to me , Due to the fact of drinking & driving i have lost a very speical Nephew & a good friends daughter due to family & friends driving while drinking,

       It was July 3,2002 all the kids wanted to go to a keg party they were all over the age of 18 my sister & i beg the kids to not go to please go up to my other sister's home that we were lighting off fireworks there they said no we will be fine well we got the word over the scanner that there was a very bad car accident it was a roll over & fatal , i said my god it is them i know this i went to the scene was not allowed there was told to go to the ER & wait for the police that night has never been the same for my family due to the fact that we lost a family member & one of there friends , my son was the other driver they were racing & due to drinking he & his friend have to live with this along with the family members, this is very heart breaking to all of us ,

         Both teens are still in prison for this my son has  one year left the other driver has 4 years left , my family & his friend have forgiven them but these 2 boy have not forgiven them self yet i dont think they will ever recover from this night that they thought would be fun,

           I can only pray that  Carly will wake up befor it is way to late for her , she could kill someone's loving family member & not her self then she will have to live with this for the rest of her life , i am sure this is not what she wants, i pray that she gets help fast , & that god watches over her ,,

 
October 10, 2006, 7:52 am CDT

MIKE DOES NOT GET IT!

I listened to Mike make his pitch to you, Dr. Phil and found myself saying, "He must really think you are dumb!"  Even in the beginning of your questioning him, I could tell he was just trying to find a way to evade his punishment.  He definitely was not remorseful or sincere and definitely unprepared.  Thank you for calling his bluff.  I had a friend who killed 4 people in a drunk driving accident.  He did not remember even getting in the truck and driving.  He blacked out, crossed over the median and hit a van head on.  He was on the Thruway and was driving West in the East bound lane.  He nearly died himself and really wished he had when he woke up 3 days later and was told about the deaths.  2 were children under 5.  He was sentenced to 8 to 12  years.  He served 8 and would have been paroled.  Unfortunately cancer took his life first.  He never once forgot what he did even though he had no real memory of it and never once tried to avoid the consequences of his actions.

 

Again, thank you for your astuteness.  Mike has not learned anything.  He just wants to get out of trouble without earning any respect or working for it.

 

Take care, my friend.

 

 
October 10, 2006, 8:04 am CDT

Good job, Dr. Phil!!!

 I just finished watching Dr. Phil's decision on his participation for early release for Michael.  Kudos, Dr. Phil, for seeing through his arrogance and cockiness.  He may have learned his lesson, but I don't beleive he's ready to live the lesson.  He appeared  extremely self-absorbed especially when making the "rules" before appearing on the show.  He's the one asking for mercy and support and I don't think he was in any position to stipulate the terms.  I think he was unprepared and his hoping that the vague outline of his plan was going to fly was almost funny.  He could have just as easily been describing a trip to the grocery given his lack of thoroughness and sincerity.  Another good call, Dr. Phil!
 
October 10, 2006, 8:20 am CDT

dr phil i missed the last 15 min of the show

wmaz messed up and we got a test pattern for 5 min then they rewond the tape to the 22 year old bartender hehehehe i think they had to make a potty break run or somethin, but i was glad to see the 22 year old take your help,!!! and in all honesty her mother should have gone as well, she too has a problem, and the 16 year old is already on the brink of distruction as well, and for the guy in jail, well hell!!! where dose he think he should be?in my opinion 5 to 11 years for taking anothers life? wow not much for killing someone,!!! the only way he should ever get out of jail is if he can turn time back and bring that guy back to life, then and only then should he ever be relesed from jail, i for one dont think its a waste of tax dollars to keep some one like that in jail, hes the reason i pay taxes.!!!!!
 
October 10, 2006, 8:28 am CDT

Drunken Mistakes...

My husband lives in Vermont and is often in Ruttland..It frightens me to think that he could have been on the road at some point with an alcoholic like Mike...He is RIGHT where he BELONGS..In jail and I hope he stays there for the full extent of his prison term..Reading the overview of the show today and seeing the still photos I agree with what Dr. Phil said..I could see the arrogance on his face and in his eyes..I do not believe he has any remorse for what he has done. You cannot help those who do not want it and I do not believe he wants the help, he just wants an easy out of his jail sentence.
 
October 10, 2006, 9:00 am CDT

The science behind addiction - help me understand

  It's not like I've been spared unpleasant experiences or emotions; I've probably had more than my share.  So why didn't I/don't I use alcohol to control them?

Do they get a bigger reward, chemically, from drinking than I do?  Becaue I can't stand having my mental processes dulled,   (They are dull enough as it is :)), nor can I stand feeling physically wobbly.

It is not as though I NEVER touched alcohol,  I just don't like it that much,  although I suppose do like the taste of some drinks, and would have one now and then on special occasions,   I really never though being drunk was especially  fun or pleasurable.  In fact, I've always wished I could have a drink that TASTED like, say a gin and tonic with lime on the porch on a hot summer's eve,  or a bit of Bailey's over crushed ice at Christmas,  without any of that awful buzz feeling. I am a reserved person and a drink or two does make me feel slightly more relaxed and affable, but I would rather stay "myself."  I am quite conscious of the loss of mental control and I don't like it one bit.

I have little tolerance and I feel that unpleasant buzz after a few sips. so I generally stop,  or just hold the same drink all night long.  (Although that did prompt a friend to "worry" about me, as "i always had a drink in my hand" at parties.  Only It was always the same drink, as I didn't drink it).

My liver enzymes went way up a couple of years ago, probably from anaemia and arthritis medication.  I didn't give it much thought, and since alcohol wasn't going to help my situation and could injure my very vulnerable liver,  I gave up even occassional drinks.  I've had zero alcohol in two years, and  the only annoying thing about that is having to decline alcohol.  Some people are, for whatever reason,  annoyed if you always say "no thank you' to an offer of a drink.  Like I'm judging them or something, or disapproving.   I guess its the same uncomfy feeling I get when I order a steak around someone I know is a vegetarian.  And I don' like to make my friends and family uncomfortable.    I usally just say " oh, I have a stupid liver, I wish I could" and it makes them feel happier.

(FWIW MY liver enzymes are back in the ideal range.  I"m sure I could have a belt or two if I felt like it without doing myself a harm.  But I don't want it.)

SOS who are these people who like to slurp it up?  I don't "get" them.  Dinking must be a bigger mood enhancer for them than it is for me, although I have to say, I know a lot of folks who just turn kind of wierd with a little alcohol in them.  Like that old czech proverb, " A mean guy shouldn't have any wine."
 Is there something the matter with their brains?  Why do they want to  turn their brains off?  Is there something else they could do with chemicals  to manage their moods and feelings of insecurity?

Bring on the science.  I would like to know how it works,  since it's beyond my personal scope of understanding without the science.


I
 
October 10, 2006, 9:10 am CDT

You are right to be concerned

Quote From: cs3517

 

   I have a significant other that I have been living with since May who drinks, and drinks and drinks. Maybe not that much but so it seems.  When we first met I worked nights and he worked days. By the time I got home he was already in bed and he was up and gone before I got up in the morning. Everything seemed great...I was offered a different job and we moved to another town, where now I work days..the same as him.  We moved into together and things were going fine..so I thought. Then I started noticing little things...bringing home some beers, buying liquor by the gallon! His favorite is captain morgan...I had no idea you can buy that stuff by the gallon! I am not a drinker..well a glass of wine at dinner occasionaly is about it. Over the last few months he has been drinking more and more. Getting drunk two to three times a week. He goes thru an average of 2 gallons of captain morgan a week, and that is just what he drinks at the house not after work or at his friends house. I tried talking to him about his drinking and obviously he gets upset. Says, he just wants to relax and have a few drinks, or, noone is going to tell me that I cant have a drink in my own house. He does drive also after drinking and I discuss that with him also. He says he has all of his motor skills and is just fine.(yea right)  He is not physical with me when he's drinking, thank GOD but the next day he sometimes wont go to work(he works for himself) and stays home and sleeps all day. He will sleep on the couch for hours at a time and just wants to be left alone leavfing me to do whatever. He then apologizes for his actions but it's getting to the point that I can no longer live with him this way. I want to help him get help on one hand but just want to jump ship on the other. I have had enough relationships in my life that I am not for sure if I am willing to see this thru with him. I havent given him the ultimadem yet that if he doesnt get help I'm leaving( at the moment I'm out of town on business) but it is coming when I get back home. I've already decided that.  The night before I had to leave on business, he got drunk..again...didnt get up til noon and I had to leave for my flight by 2. I was sure hoping that since I was going to be gone for two weeks he would of wanted to spend some time with me, not the captain!  On one note..he is home when he's drinking or at a buddy's house..never at the bars, even though thats not an excuse. But every time he walks to the cupboard to pour a drink,  it puts such an awful chill down my spine? I want to help him, I think. But also I have my life together, I have a good job and dont know if I'm willing to stick it thru with him..what if he doesnt want the help? He has told me on several occasions he's not going to quit drinking. Also, another problem is he does not like confrontation. He avoids it like the plague.  I can use all the advice I can get on this one!  Should I stay and help him if he wants help or just pack up and go on my maerry way and let the next person that comes along deal with it??

 And I agree with the others here who have replied to you.

You aren't married, and this is the right time to get out now.
He will not change because of you or anything you ask him to do.  He can't.
It's natural to want to hand onto a relationship you have invested time and emotion in, but you will destroy yourself and your happiness if you stay.
If there is anyone to give an ultimatum to, it is yourself. Decide if he is not in treatment by x date, it's over.  Then prepare yourself to follow through.  Because, you will have to follow through, sad to say.

I think you should leave right now.  But you are tolerating the intolerable, so maybe your line in the sand is drawn in a different place or you simply are too afraid to let go, or worried about money or something.

So prepare, prepare, prepare, then get out.
Meet someone who is not so damaged or defective that they need alcohol to handle the pressures and bad feelings we all feel in everyday life.


 
October 10, 2006, 10:03 am CDT

Please do not take offence but

Quote From: taxigirl5

My husband is an alcoholic and drives drunk.  Just last night he came home after having too many beers and drove himself.  I pray that he gets caught before he kills someone else. He  had heart surgery last March and April and still drinks. I believe he has a death wish for both himself and I.  He repeats himself constantly, doesn't remember things, looses his stuff, thinking I put it somewhere (lost his company cell phone hunting just a week ago).  I read Robin's book and I need to read it again.  I'm scared to death I will loose everything if my husband kills someone due to his drinking and driving. The thing I don't get is he has never gotten a DUI in the 13 years we've been together.  Alanon called that  "a functioning drunk"...... I have the upmost respect for folks that can "kick the addicition".  I will continue to pray that my husband will before it's too late.  I will be watching this episode for sure!!!!!
 If you know your husband drives drunk you probably 'should' know where he goes, which bar or bars....
You say you pray he gets caught before he kills someone else? Then you worry you (and he) will loose everything if your husband kills someone.. I have to say WHAT..
If your husband kills someone, it will be the dead person that lost EVERYTHING...
What you need to do besides praying, which probably WILL NOT work is ...Know where your husband is 'drinking'     talk to the bar owners    talk to the police...    In my state people can be arrested in their driveway, home, etc for being drunk and having been driving
Again, do not take offence, continue to pray BUT ALSO  TAKE ACTION. You are probably the only one who really knows the real story.. As you say he's a Functioning drunk which means he can function when needed. When he's drunk and driving he does not care about 'functioning"
Please take action, you might save him along with some inocent person....And your life with him might be 'nice'    Good Luck to you.
 
October 10, 2006, 10:50 am CDT

Please REPORT HIM THE NEXT TIME HE LEAVES TO DRINK!!

Quote From: getitnowdumb

 If you know your husband drives drunk you probably 'should' know where he goes, which bar or bars....
You say you pray he gets caught before he kills someone else? Then you worry you (and he) will loose everything if your husband kills someone.. I have to say WHAT..
If your husband kills someone, it will be the dead person that lost EVERYTHING...
What you need to do besides praying, which probably WILL NOT work is ...Know where your husband is 'drinking'     talk to the bar owners    talk to the police...    In my state people can be arrested in their driveway, home, etc for being drunk and having been driving
Again, do not take offence, continue to pray BUT ALSO  TAKE ACTION. You are probably the only one who really knows the real story.. As you say he's a Functioning drunk which means he can function when needed. When he's drunk and driving he does not care about 'functioning"
Please take action, you might save him along with some inocent person....And your life with him might be 'nice'    Good Luck to you.
The person that hit me head-on was given permission by his drunken brother (front seat passenger) to drive his car.  As a result they were both drunk by 5:00 pm and hit me at 5:50 pm.  This accident killed his back seat rider (behind the passenger) and almost took my life.  I am a 43 yr. old mother of three (at the time 17, 13 and 11) children that still have terrible memories of me in ICU with tubes coming from all openings in my head and one that was cut in my chest.  We all are in therapy and still live each day with the effects of another persons choice.  Obviously HE though he could function and drive!!  PLEASE MAKE A CHOICE to save someones life and avoid children experiencing what my children had to endure and please make a choice so that someone else's children don't have to ATTEND THEIR PARENTS FUNERAL!!!
 
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