Topic : 12/21 One Paycheck Away

Hi,
65K is not much money  for a big family and I think if a person can't support their first family is it really fair to ask their children from that first family (who did not have any choice in the matter) to "do without" just because you all decided to  form a 2nd union with each other and add another child to the mix.  If you have more kids than you can afford. you have to find a away to afford them.  I just don't understand why this is unfair or injustice.  Your husband just as you did with your first marriage,made a commitment to take care of his first children and you  did yours as well.  It's children who pay for this kind of decision making.

It isn't  easy living paycheck to paycheck. I am a single mom. Everytime I have gone to work for any length of time my child suffers. Not just from the lack of me being there- but from the lack of everything. Society in general looks down on people on welfare but maybe they should readjust their thinking. I am on welfare right now because if I work I will lose me and my child's healthcare (which isn't good to begin with), I will lose my housing because I get told that anything over 6.75 an hour is making too much money. When I was working I had to live with my parents because even with fulltime hours I was only making 828.00 dollars a month- 600.00 a month is what I had to pay so i could work. You do the math- 228.00 left over to try and feed, clothe, house and paybills is laughable- And i was told I was making too much money for help with anything. I would love to be working for a paycheck- I hate welfare and am depressed over being on it- but at this point it is the only way I can afford to be home with my child who has emotional disabilities- if I go to work right now me and my child will end up homeless and without insurance. I am beginning to detest people that are ignorant as to what it is like to try and survive working paycheck to paycheck- I am also irate with the views of people who say welfare mothers just need to get a job. If I could literally afford to work and be able to be there for my child then great- but that is not the reality for many- not just single moms but the population of the working class poor in general. When I have to choose between working or my child- i will choose my child. When my child was a baby I worked sometimes 70-90 hours a week just so I could have enough money to pay all my bills on top of a surgery my daughter needed that medicaid would not pay for- I had no insurance because dhs said I was making too much money at 5.15 an hour to get any help. This increased my childI's problems by me not being there- I am the only parent she has- her father is extremely violent and has injured her during supervised visit- She has postraumatic stress and abandonment issues- when I work my daughter regresses badly because I end up having to work sometimes 15-22 hours a day if I want to be able to pay the bills and provide food- not to mention counseling fees because my child ends up feeling abandoned by mommy because mommy is at work. If this government really wants people to be able to work and be independant than changes need to be made. Employers should respect the fact that parents first job is to their kids not their boss- One of my bosses actually expected me to leave my child when she was three home alone because the babysitter did not show up on time- he made it clear that if I did not do whatever I was fired. At that point I had not yet missed anyttime from work, I worked 44 hours in just two days, I had not had a day off whatsoever in three months at that point, so why the big deal? I ask if I was at work 22 hours- a day for two days a week then 12 hurs for three then 8 for 2 how was I being a mother too my child? My babysitter was raising her and I was burning myself out trying to provide.

I do not feel that the public in general understands what that does to our children when we expect the parents to work crazy hours just so we can have one paycheck to pay the sitter and one to pay bills. Parents that live together and both work suffer the same things- one will work one shift and the other another, then they are both stressed and tired trying to care for their kids or even themselves. An example of  another myth I have seen is that homeless people are lazy bums- wrong! I might not be totally correct on the stats but for example- 75% of the homeless population in newyork work 40 hours a week and have kids. something is really wrong in this country when working people are homeless, or when parents like me fear going to work for min. wage because it could mean loss of insurance and housing. I also challenge the public to talk to mothers and families on welfare- ask them if it were affordable for childcare and no loss of insurance would happen if they could go back to work - would they? I know I would and technically I do work- I volunteer and put in the hours I WOULD AT A REGULAR DAYTIME JOB- i

just don't lose my insurance or subsidy housing. I am also a children's minister at my church, I do not just sit and collect a check- I was asked why don't i just ask for pay- well teacher's aids only get minimum wage- but the state says that is too much money for subsidy and health insurance - even though it does not leave enoughmoney for food.

 I think it is very easy for people to judge, My husband is a contract builder and we do not have a guaranteed pay check.  I have been a stay at home mother for many years and have only just gone into part time work.

 

For all of our years we have lived with the fear that if the pay check dosent come in or if there is not enough work for even one or weeks we will not pay our morgage.  I have four children and our income is very modest, not much left over at the end of any week.

 

I think that it is important to understand that not all of us are out here being irresponsible and blowing our money, most of us are doing the best we can, and despite our best efforts or intentions all it would take is one illness or a slow building month and my family would go under as well.   Financial pressures are the biggest problem in my household, My husband it very selfish, he takes care of his needs while I am very concerned very day that my families needs are taken care of.  I dont see an answer, the days of being happy that bills are paid and food is on the table are gone, every one wants to much, kids and husbands are not happy if they do not have what every one else has Drinking, smoking and loans to buy toys (big boys toys) will kill my marriage and my familes security.

 

I think that we need to get back to what is importanat, people need to be happy with what they have and to stop whining and start to think about what is really important.

 

When the majority of the population gets real and lives within their means and takes care of what is really important, then there may be adequate resources to take care of families and those who really need it.

 

Most of us are not in need of cash assistance, some need a reality check, others just need somone to show them that there is a better way and that their situation is not hopeless.

 

I am so tired of worrying that I am going to end up living in my car hanging out for my pension check, it drives me crazy.  I have been a  mother since I was 15, I am currently trying to educate myself so that I will hopefull get some sort of a job that may give my children some security.  I am not sitting around making my husband take care of us all, I am just taking some time to do what I should have done when I was younger and give myself an opportinity.  I have part time work, at an office of an Australian member of parliament and I have to provide assistance to many people who are in need, while I see many cases of people who have genuinly fallen on hard times, there are many like my family who just need to pull their heads in.

 

 

At some point in our lives the majority of us have probably had financial problems of one kind or another. It's wonderful when a parent willingly helps a young couple out. It's also very sad when the couple becomes so dependent on such a help that they develop a sense of entitlement. It's the difference between giving them a meal and teaching them how to feed themselves for a lifetime.

 

I used to live in Hawaii and every morning at 7 am I fed the wild birds beneath a huge mango tree. I enjoyed watching them from my lanai as I ate breakfast. Two young birds always swooped down quickly devouring the newly scattered seed as fast as they could until they saw their mother. The minute they saw her both squalked loudly, fluttered their wings as if they were unable to fly and held their mouths open widely so she would feed them. Although they were as large in size as their mother these birds gave the appearance of being totally helpless as long as they could see mom. But the minute mama was out of sight they were as self-sufficient as the rest of the flock. 

 

     

How do we get to this awful situation in the first place? I blame parents, but maybe they had it hard also. But still I think our morality in upbringing and society has put so much pressure on us all that everyone is failing these days. I had one child and did not have money to put him in college. I prayed that he would do well in school and join the military, because that is what I did. That was the only way to get ahead. Then I see these young people having baby after baby and it just makes me angry and confused. If you are having a hard time yourself, then why bring children into the world? We have to start thinking...Our children are a blessing from God, and if we can not take care of them, then do not bring them into the world. Two children and one on the way, the parents cut her off, Why? Lets not ask why in this situation but help to not let it happen again. Right? God says we cannot change the past. but each day is a new day in learning the right way. That is my motto, and it has helped me beat alot of troubles in my life. Dr.Phil give her the tools to help her change her life, and help others in the process. Thanks Jaymee.

I have read alot of the comments on here about being one paycheck away from homelessness well let me say ,.. i have been that way for the last five years . my husband as always work and we are one food stamps and medicaid for the children . but in this day and time with no job security and low wages and high prices for things like food,.gas for your car. and medical care low income or even the middle class cant make a good living for your family. no one can live off of minimum wage. and our government doesnt want to do anything about it . it takes two people to make a living in one of the richest countrys . doesnt anyone see anything wrong with that ??? the rich are getting richer and the pooer are getting poorer . in the land of plenty so many kids go to bed hungry. we have more homeless familys then anywhere else . for those of you who think you could live off of minimum wage i want you to sit down and add it up? could you ? REALLY ?? before you speak about it . THINK ABOUT IT .  and for those of you who dare add it up , then you might understand.

Those of us who "have been there" in regards to the situations on this board.  But you can also tell those that have always had a roof over their had and at least 2 squares a day. Someone who has been in the situation and genuinely didn't want to be there, doesn't always "ask" to be there as some on this board have insinuated.  I also have 3 kids, my oldest son's father is relatively good about paying child support, and I don't fault him when he is unable because of being laid off, etc..(usually not more than a couple of weeks in the past)  We generally have great communication and I try to modify the child support whenever I can as I understand that he cannot see his son if he cannot afford to.  To me the emotional is sometimes more important than the $$.  (I'm sure I'll get a lot of negative feedback just for that statement!)  But, on the other hand, my younger two children's father currently owes me over $19,000 and his "excuse" for not paying it ranges anywhere from he doesn't think he needs to pay my bills, to something about me having a drug/alcohol problem. (I'll do a drug test any day BTW!!)  There are many times the payment he could have provided would have helped out greatly and prevented a utility from being shut off, but I cannot change someone else's mind.   This is one example of how just a few dollars can start you on a downward spiral.  His child support payments started out at $22 a month and he, at that time, claimed he couldn't afford to make those payments, even though I knew he was driving a semi.   Meanwhile, my kids and I were living in public housing trying to make the rent.  I, at the time, had daycare for 3 kids, which as anyone knows is not cheap.  I was only making about $6.50 at the time and for 3 kids, daycare can run at least $2.50.  Now, you take that, and taxes out of my paycheck, you should be able to see there wasn't much left.  I a thankful that I didn't have a car payment or some other necessity at the time.  I live in a very rural state, with little public transportation.  The winters here can get very cold and trying to walk three kids that are under 5  a total of 5 blocks in freezing temps??  I would probably have lost my kids because of neglect allegations just because I was poor.  More poor people it seems are in the courts for just this type of thing and it is sometimes even AFTER working 2 or 3 jobs to TRY to keep a family together!!  People that haven't lived "on the edge" really don't understand how little it takes just to fall off of the edge. 

As far as mental illness goes, I also have one of those and know that is something you cannot wish away, ask for, or in any other way control!!  I have also been in and out of the hospital for this and have seen the effect that just stress of daily living can have on someone will mental illness.  Not to mention if you add into the mix trying to keep a roof over your head, food in your kid's stomach's, and heat in the house in the winter.  I am not saying to just hand out money either, that wouldn't have always helped in my situation either.  But taking away peoples benefits because they couldn't get a job, or lost a job isn't completely right either.  I am all for training programs to help people move forward, and not all of the people you offer them to will want them or necessarily need them.  But, at least if you try you may be giving at least 1 person a chance at keeping their family or life together. 

p.s. Sorry if my typing isn't the greatest, but I don't have the newest equipment because I cannot afford it nor do I NEED it.  There is a big difference between want and need, and I KNOW that difference as do the people who have been there!!

My grown children have mooched off of me for the last time.  I finally took the "teach a man to fish" attitude.

 

My middle son and my daughter in law have moved in with me and my husband 3 times in as many years because they have gotten themselves into financial problems and can't make the rent and all the other bills.  This last episode lasted from Dec 31, 2005 to Sept. 21, 2006.

 

My youngest son has moved home once from June 2005 to Sept 21, 2006 because he couldn't make it on his own after we spent over $35,000 to send him to school and now he refuses to use his AD to get a good paying job.  He graduated in Dec 2005 and has not even attempted to get a job using his AD.  He is content being a duct hand for a commercial air conditioning company.

 

On  August 28, 2006 my husband and I reached the agreement that they all had to go and gave them a 30 notice after my youngest threw and hit me with a telephone out of anger.  I had been tolerating the verbal and emotional abuse as always for the entire time they were home but I  had to draw a line at the physical abuse.  These 2 boys cuss me, call me an F'ing crazy mother ( I have bipolar disorder)  even tho the middle son is diagnosed with oppositional defiance disorder and ADD.  He refuses to seek further treatment and when my Daughter in law forced him to go to the doctor, they put him on lexapro because he appreared depressed and he has refused to take it.  He actually was fired from a job because the owners said that he walked around depressed all the time and he had to go it was bad for business.  Hello!!!! Red Flag!!!!!

 

The point that really chapped my hide was none of them were paying rent, helping towards utilities or groceries and yet in August of this year my daughter in law clandestinley bought a throroughbred horse and is stabling it for $330 a month (used student loan money).  Then when she tried to get further money they said so sorry but you have exceded the amount in which you will be able to repay due to your current financial situation and you will just have to find the money somewhere else.   She was livid and her Mom was trying to help find another source of money.  Then my daughter in law tried to lay the blame in my lap saying that she would not be able to finish school because we booted them out and told me that I didn't know her  that she was a Bitch.  I told her yeah I know that she is.  Can't keep something like that under wraps for long.  Then her Mom tells me that she wouldn't be able to finish this semester whether they where living here or not  because of the financial aid  problem.  My Daughter in law also refused to get a job that was for more than one day a week.

 

I hate ppl who lie to me and use me and NO MORE!!!!  We are actually going to sell our house, move into a small 2 bedroom apartment and find some place out in the country and build a small home on it or put a small mobile home on it so they can never move back again.  My husband and I don't need this huge house for just ourselves and we are gonna downsize real soon.

 

Missy

I do so understand where you are coming from.  May I ask what mental illness are you battling.  I have bipolar disorder and looking back have had it since my teens but wasn't diagnosed until I was 45 and in the psych hosp for psychosis and suicidial ideations.  Thank God for psych meds and mood stabilizers is all  I have to say.

 

When my boys were young, 7, 5 and 2, I applied for assistance in the form of food stamps.  My ex paid $300 in divided payments per month.  I had a nursing degree but found work difficult to find in the small town I was living in at the time.  We also only had one vehicle and my husband worked 3rd shift in  the closest big town which was about 45 minutes away.  He would drive home and I would immediately jump in the car and try to drive back to town to work but if he was delayed any at all I couldn't make it to  work in time.  I had to quit that job and was between jobs.

 

I went to the county welfare office ( we live in Texas) and applied for food stamps.  We were already on wic (women's, infant's and children) food supplement vouchers.  I was told by one of the intake workers that even tho with my husbands income we feel below the pay level required to receive assistance but since he lived in the home we could not get assistance and told me to have him move out!!!  I was livid and couldn't believe what she had said.  I had her repeat it because I was just so stunned and shocked... It seems that it was no longer Aid to Families with Dependant Children but had become Aid to Single Mother's with Dependant Children.  I walked out of her office and never came back.

 

We ate a lot of beans and rice and cornbread.  I cooked everything from scratch because I coudn't afford it pre packaged.  The saving grace was that they opened a "salvaged food" store in the town I lived in and we would buy dented and damaged packaged food for next to nothing.  That is where we did our major grocery shopping.  Then we would go to the regular grocery store and get the WIC items ( milk, cheese, cereal,eggs) and buy our meat which was hamburger, 7 steaks and any roast that was on sale and chickens and  pork chops.

 

I don't know how we made it but we did and I finally got a job in a nursing home and had to do some juggling but got the kids taken care of while I was at work and hubby was at home.  We made it working opposite shifts and did that for about 15 years.

 

As for my ex.... well we took him to court every chase we got for a motion to modify and finally got payments up to $400 per month but that was the ceiling.  I had his checks garnished and so I didn't have to worry about it. 

 

Yes we lived hand to mouth but the other day my hubby said hon you know those were the best days of our lives together.  Growing a garden for the fresh veggies.  Making a roast last 2 full meals,  making sure the boys never went hungry and we always clean and well dressed even if not the latest fashion, they were clean and well groomed.  And we didn't go out to the movies, etc,  we had our own shows that the boys called the "funny show"  where they would dress in drag ( I still laugh when I picture that) and would do a chorus line.  And then do some comedy routine too. 

 

Man I really do miss those day.  The pet rabbits running thru the house ( we found it in our back yard).  The chickens and the garden and them helping out to pull weeds, gather eggs, etc.  Fresh green beans, tomatoes, okra, corn.  Ok now I'm gonna have to plant a winter garden, LOL.

 

The point is you can  make it on your own.  You just have to search for the resources that you make available to yourself.  Don't depend on the state or federal government cuz they change just  like the weather.

 

Missy

Learn to read between the lines.  I HAVE been there.  I'm not judging anyone, but you seem to want to judge me without knowing anything about me.  I deal with homeless of all types on a daily basis, including HELPING those I can and speak from first hand experience. You are obviously bitter about your own life but remember YOU have chemo and medical help there for you. In MY situation there is NONE, but this is not about medical catastrophes.  MY point, which you missed totally, is as parents and teachers, we need to prepare our young for these possibilities and be there for them when they've done all they can instead of teaching them that someone, somewhere will be and SHOULD be there to bail them out.  Who is paying for some of your household's expenses because your "hubby refuses to work"?  My tax dollars and MY husband's help to pay for your "debt reduction plans".  In no way am I "off the hook"!