Topic : 12/25 Divorcing the Family

Works everytime. When mom gets sick and tired of son's antics, defiance, school-skipping, lies and I'm sure there's a long laundry list that still very wet even in hot temperature. Ship son off to dad's. Mom and dad can't stand each other anyway. So, this is payback time. And besides, let dad deal with what mom's been yelling about all this time to him.  Man, what kind of message are the parents sending to their son? He's not worth it. He's the problem (not the parents).  Make the other parent look like the villan/ the bad guy.

I heard Dr. Phil respond to a parents question about why her teen behaved so defiantly, "Why not?"

I also know that most parents are "well-intended", but that they go about raising their child in the wrong way. Makes sense to me. Another bottom line: If it doesn't work, than change it.

Bottom-line, parents: you set the tone for raising your child. You set the example. You are that's child's role model. Dr. Phil: "The same-sex parent is the most powerful role model that that child will ever have. That means, it's either going to be positive or negative.

Very simple.

My heart goes out to you, grandmother. You mean very well. You have nothing but good intentions. Unfortunately,  you cannot fix with what's happening to your grandson and with his parents for that matter. Really, it's beyond all the love and understanding you can provide. There's a lot more going on here than what the eye can see.  Good Luck, grandmother. I will pray that you will develop strength and guidance through all this ordeal.

Okay, first things first. I have not denied my child medication. Child abuse, hum? My previous post stated that we have been to the family doctor, a neurologist, all types of therapy, family counseling, psyc doctors, etc... He has been on Adderall, Concerta, Straterra, any many other types of meds including anti-seizure meds to control outbursts. He is now on a medication for bipolar and seizures, and it seems to be working along with all of the counseling that he is receiving. So my point was when it gets to the point that you have to constantly watch a 13 year old because you are scared that they will hurt themselves or someone else something has to be done. And until a mother is faced with all of that turmoil they can never say never. And as for my favorite quote to all of those who thinks that woman was a horrible person for not knowing what to do or where to turn---Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up.

My husband and I adopted our niece (her birth mother decided to give her up at 16 months of age!) after 6 months of marriage; I was 21 finishing my second year of university, my husband 22.  We loved her dearly and felt "pressure" to keep her in the family.  At that time I naively believed that nurture beat nature.  Just as a note, we have no biological relationship to her as my husband and his sister were also both adopted.  Our problems started quite early.  By two the daycare wanted to separate her from the other children before nap time to settle her down.  We refused as we did not want her to be treated differently. She had a rough start in life and we were going to do all that we could to make sure that she grew up happy and healthy.  As the years progressed things got worse. During this time I gave up my career as a teacher and gave up the dream of having the family I always wanted.  We did have a son when our daughter was 6 but decided that it would be unfair to bring another child into our home.  We got our daughter many forms of help; medication, therapy, social skills programs, psychological assessments, tutoring, etc.. as well as getting her involved in a wide variety of extra-curricular activities.  We also took courses for ourselves to learn how to deal with her behaviours.  Nothing helped. My husband and my relationship was deteriorating as well as our relationship with our daughter.  At 14 she went to live with her birth mother because she told me that I wasn't her "bleep'n" mother and I couldn't tell her what to do and because we needed to save the rest of our family.  Her birth mother took us to court to get full custody, our daughter wanted her to have full custody as well, so we agreed.  We have continued to fully financially support her (yes we give her birth mother who has full custody money to pay for her expenses). People who have not gone through this simply do not understand.  Our saga continues as our daughter has now runaway from her birth mother and is currently residing at the Salvation Army.  We told her that we would help her financially if she stayed in school and out of trouble.  Hasn't happened.  I am happy to report that at 35 I had another son who is now 10 months old.  I now have the family that I dreamed of.  I absolutely believe that nurture plays an important role in raising a child.  So how do you explain our daughter?  It's like this.  A child is like a piece of clay, you massage it, squeeze it, knead it and mould it into a beautiful piece of art.  Sometimes you have a bad piece of clay, no matter what you do with it you just end up with a bad piece of clay.

I really hope that Dr. Phil can help this family.  Maybe we never got the right help.  My heart goes out to them. 

It was real interesting...last night we all sat down (my twin 13 yos,dh and I) to watch our taped episodes of Lost  that we miss due to football practice...after Lost my dh dissappeared before I could gather the courage to suggest they all watch the small part I taped of the show (like the first 11 minutes)...and I asked the boys if they thought that was us...believe it or not they both said "NO"!!!  The one I'm having most troubles with was insistant that we did not sound or do the same!  HMMMM go figure that one? 

When he has one of his "episodes" he says stuff like "this family is no fun" "we live in a crappy house", nobody else's parents do what you do..."  And yet he didn't recognize the things he seems to get angry about?!   I think we are identical with the yelling and cussing and tirades!  I don't get that...why can't they see it?   

They  (dh, and both boys) had a go of words while we watched Lost...actually twice!  Over dumb things, like the spelling of a word!  ...they can't just sit with each other and have a nice relaxing evening any more.  They seem to always be doing this testosterone dance!  I am so tired of the tension in the house!

If you want help with difficult children, esp. those with ADD or ADHD, buy "Total Transformation", it will help. 

I just want to say I'm sorry for your circumstances and that I know how you feel.  some of us don't intend to have our families become what they have become and with health problems, and going it alone makes it so hard for us to dig our selves out of it all for our childrens sake and ours.  I hope and pray you find strength and help some where and somehow.  I've been searching hard for help in the last couple of months and it seems its just not to be found.

I really wish i could give some to you.

I just wanted to disagree with the staement that it takes 2 parents working to pay bills unless you live in a tent.

I am a stay at home to 2 children, ages 15 and 4 and I do not work outside of the house.

My husband is the only money maker in our home and I live in a house built in 2003 in a pretty nice neighborhood.

We do not have all the bells and whistles but I am home with my kids. 

Have you ever heard Dr phil say if you have to move to a smaller home do so, if you have to drive a used car do so... He didn't say you have to live in a tent.

There are many families out there who have a stay at home parent.

My husband wants to "divorce" his daughter. I wish we could too but the court system doesn't allow it.   

My husband and I had to go to court last week.  we finished paying maintenance in August for their daughter who is now 25.  His ex who lives in another province filed in april to take us back to court to continue support in the amount of 900 a month, was 800 before, because she is still not done her bachelor of arts degree.  She had her hearing in may and ours was last week. I had to represent my husband as we cannot afford a lawyer (but she can).  The judge did not throw it out. he orded an adjournment so she can provide more info that I requested. So it's good for us and bad for us. mostly good because at least we will have more info and will probably only have to pay half that but i really thought it should get thrown out. she is taking a  bachelor of arts and then says she wants to take a two year bachelor of education and expects us to pay for that too. we went to court last year and they said she was doing a four year program so the judge then set it to end this summer when she would be done. Now they say she's doing a reduced credit course load. last year she took six courses but only three go to her degree. so if she doesn't take her sstudies seriously why should we have to pay for them still. I mean come on already, she's 25 and is still at least a year away from graduation with only a 2.07 gpa. and she doesn't work. the judge says that courts push for them to get their degree to be employable. however she has only worked the last three summers as a nanny so she still has no work experience. how employable will she be. it is all so frustrating and aggravating i'm so fed up with it all i want to scream sometimes. we don't talk to them anymore. there's no point. all the do is complain and lie and  my husband wants to disown her.  I don't blame him. we have three kids, 12, 8, and 5. we both work hard for our money. he's a long haul trucker and i do daycare in our home. we only have one vehicle -used-, no cable, live in a rented townhouse,  most of our stuff is second hand, we both still donate to charities and i do alot of volunteer work. for us $800 a month is a lot of money (almost our entire rent) and we could do so much more with that money for our family and for the community.  the daughter and ex just think i'm the biggest bitch in the world because i'm helping him fight this. am i?