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Topic : 12/25 Divorcing the Family

Number of Replies: 182
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Created on : Thursday, October 05, 2006, 04:44:59 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 10/12/06) When you lose control of your kids and household, is it ever possible to get it back? Peggy was so fed up with her 17-year-old twin boys' behavior –- their yelling, tantrums, cursing, disrespect, fighting -- and the resulting strain on her marriage that she arrived at a radical solution: Divorce one of her sons from the family. However, when Peggy filed the paperwork to emancipate her son, the courts turned her down, leaving him in her care until age 18. Can Dr. Phil convince Peggy and her husband to accept responsibility for their deteriorating home situation? Can he inspire the teens to help calm the chaos? Or, is divorcing a family member a viable last-ditch option? Tell us what you think!

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October 12, 2006, 9:01 am CDT

Know how you feel

Quote From: darleenstr

It was so rediculous for me to have felt that way.  But, I was holding onto past hurts and seemed like everything was crashing in around me.  I was very overwhelmed and the pressure was  so

incredible.  Then, I came to my senses --- like I hope this mother would be willing to do.  I don't have custody right now.  Yet, I am clinging on to the little bit of visitation with my children [every other weekend as if it were buried treasure/gold.  You don't know what you have until you lose it. 

I now know what I have.  I knew it then, yet I let the controlling nature of my former spouse and my children's second former controlling husband dictate my existence.  I needed to heal from some deep emotional scars and not take it out on my boys.  It took the tough love coming from both of my parents/boys grandparents help me realize the most important things in life are not

things, but good solid and strong bonds/relationships......now, I have that and intend to keep it.  I hope these parents get their act together before others step in and do their parenting for them.

Sounds like you have been through alot.......your not alone. I have and still walk your shoes. Just keep up the positive thinking.
 
October 12, 2006, 9:08 am CDT

What is wrong with family values?

Give me a break!!!  Since when is it okay to divorce the children in your family?  It's NOT the kids fault mom and dad didn't parent. We have tried so hard to be our kids friends, that many forgot how to parent. Get real!!!!! Parents need to PARENT KIDS. You are the BOSS in the family, not the kids. They need to be able to  know that the world doesn't revolve around them. They are going to have to learn one day that they will have to work in the real world. They will not always get along with the people they work with. What is going to be solved by divorcing one of the twins? Will it show the other they are not as important and loved? I would think so.

PARENTS................BE PARENTS.

 
October 12, 2006, 10:49 am CDT

Divorcing the Family

I can sympathize with the desperate feelings of living in a home with unruly teens. Would I ever divorce my child -no - however - I know that I have done my absolute best in raising my kids. I'm not perfect but I try really hard. I have zero tolerance for disrepectful kids. Taught my kids early on that they had to take responsiblity for their actions. Taught them to work hard in school and rewards would follow. They have learned to take pride in themselves and each other. They are each others (I have a daughter and son) cheering section. BUT if things ever got the point where they were abusive, disrespectful, harmful to others, not to be trusted individuals - then as soon as they are done with high school or turn 18 then they are out the door. Tough love - yes - I chose to have the children - they were planned with love and made with love (divorced 10 years now) but I will not be their door mat - I will be their parent.
 
October 12, 2006, 12:09 pm CDT

10/12 Divorcing the Family

My goodness, it's been awhile since I've been on here! There seems to be a lot of discussion about divorced parents affecting kids and how Christianity plays a part. Let me tell you my story. Although I cannot say that I know what this family is going through, or any other family for that matter, my parents divorced when I was 9 and my brother was 14. We both, however, grew up respecting BOTH my mom and my dad. We never got into serious trouble (other than usual teenage mischief), and we are both now very successful adults who are not "scarred" by our parents divorce. To be honest, the divorce came out by surprise. It's not like my parents constantly fought with eachother or anything. They just kinda grew apart. But I think what affected my brother and I the most was the fact that NOT ONCE did I ever hear my mother say anything nasty about my father, and vice versa. They were both mature enough to understand that we, their children, NEEDED both of them to be civil to eachother for our sakes. And I thank them every single day for that. They put OUR needs before theirs! As for Christianity, I was never raised a Christian. BUT my parents instilled into me your basic moral principles, like, be kind to others, never hurt someone intentionally, respect all as you would like to be respected, etc. I don't think being a Christian has anything to do with this situation. I think you just need to use moral sense.
 
October 12, 2006, 12:44 pm CDT

Favorites

The mother indicated she blamed one child over the other.

That child indicated that he wasn't surprised because the mother said such things during his life.

 

Twins often struggle to feel unique and wanted for who they are.

 

Maybe this mother's favoritism is what has caused some of the fighting among the boys.

 

Maybe her attitude needs to change as much as the attitude of the boys' does.

 
October 12, 2006, 12:46 pm CDT

Don't be too hard on the parents

I have a daughter that is almost 4 and she is hell on wheels.  She is defiant at EVERY turn and has been so since birth.  I can't come down on these parents because they probably went through exactly what I am going through now when their boys were my daughter's age.  When you try everything and nothing changes the bad behavior, it makes you feel angry and guilty and frustrated.  So I can definitely relate to these parents. 
 
October 12, 2006, 1:07 pm CDT

My Story

Before you all damn these parents forever please let me tell my story because not only is do I understand what these parents are going through, I went through much of the same. Well her eit goes...

My husband and his exwife adopted 6 kids over the years. Most of the kids came with more baggage then our local airport but still they became a family and loved the kids as much as possible showering them with praise when ever they deserved it but also being stern with then as needed. They had big Christmas' and birthdays as the parents felt after all these kids had lost and been without it was time for a little spoiling. As the kids grew up the parents grew apart and in 1997 the mother left while my husband was at work one day. She took only 2 out of the 4 kids that were left at home and told those 2 and the 2 that were out on their own that she no longer wanted to be their mother. Not only that BUT she then took my husband to court for support taking $344 a week due to his 17% and because she only worked part time he got nothing for support.

One of the kids she left behind was 17 at the time and she moved out soon after, but the boy my husbands son was only 11 and since he no longer had a mother he layed blame on his father.  When "H" and I met "J" was out of control, he was sneaking out of the house and stealing, he was brought home many times by the police. H had to work a lot of overtime to make ends meet to feed his family and keep a roof over their head. When I came into the picture J was already very angry for the breakup and on one of the few visits with his mother he was told that if I were not around that his parents would get back together making things worse around the house for us. Fast forwarding 3 years. We put J on PINS due to his drug use, his breaking into houses and stealing stuff. He stole money from us, broke my bed in 2 pieces by jumping on it vandalizing the local playground, All of this when he was 14. We tried to ground him, took him to counseling, gave him rewards for good behavior etc... We did what we were supposed to do. In 2001 my husband had open heart surgery, and 5 months after that J was arrested for assaulting my hubby resulting in a broken nose. He went to jail for 9 days. 6 months after that he was again arrested for assaulting his father this time H had 2nd degree burns on his chest from hot taco meat that had been thrown on him.

Currently J  no longer lives with us. He will be 20 next week and he is now facing jail time for serving underage kids alcohol for a party at his house. There were 69 yes 69 teenagers there and J charged then $5 each to get in and drink. He is further being investigated for raping a girl at another party of his leaving her bloody and needing hospital treatment. He refuses to work and why should he WE WERE ORDERED TO PAY HIM $1150 A MONTH IN CHILD SUPPORT!!! We have just cleared our name for his false accusations of abusing him and his sister with allegations of sexual abuse. I have 3 kids of my own and we almost lost them because of these lies and being that we are foster parents we lost the children that we vowed to keep safe.

Now were I dont always agree that emancipating our unruley kids is the best thing, before any of you begin to throw stones please see that there are parents who are really trying their best and kids who just need to be thrown out in the world...

PS J has been diagnosed with Oppositional Defient Disorder,  ADHD, Reactive Attachment Disorder with is where kids try and destroy the ones who love them. He is an alcoholic and at 12 had one doctor say and I quote "was beginning to take pleasure in sexually exploiting others". Now we have asked the church for help and there was no answer there except for prayer and that didnt help. So did that oepn anyones eyes to the other side of the coin.

If you would like to email me feel free angel75513@hotmail.com

 
October 12, 2006, 1:13 pm CDT

ODD?

Quote From: weeziejr

I went through the same situation with my daughter when she was 16. I  taught her about 'Tough Love'.  I told her if she didn't like it here to leave, but, if she went and got picked up by the State Police she would have to go to juvenile hall, then a judge would decide where she would live.  I was a single mom, trying to bring her up. She also used to cut classes at school. Shaved her head, moved out for about 2 months, (finally came home), then I took her to her family dr. and she diagnosed with ODD (oppositional defiant disorder).  It was tough through those years, but anything I threatened her with, I followed through with.  It took about 4yrs, of counseling, and battles with her and her friends, but we finally got through it.  (now has been an elementary teacher for 6 yrs)
Oppositional Defiant Disorder?  You mean like the majority of teenagers?Now there's a name for everything.
 
October 12, 2006, 1:15 pm CDT

Been There Didn't do that

 I have a very difficult 16 yr old boy and have been searching for help for years. He has gone from a beautiful baby to an angry child to a scary teen. Each morning starts with a silent prayer for a better day than the day before. Looking at these two boys I see a lot of simialrities and I am now thankful I have just him to deal with. The shame, guilt, and isolation is real there is very little  true help out there and I am in New York City! I feel for this family and wish them the best.....
 
October 12, 2006, 1:23 pm CDT

Hope you can help the family!

 

As a nenber of their neighborhood, it is my opion that the whole family has issues, not just the kids.  As far as the boys go, neither one are angels, but the one that was chosen to be emancipated is the lesser of the two evils.   I certainly hope you can help these folks, because they are decent hard working people but the whole family is dsyfunctional.  It's not unusual to hear yelling, things breaking, cars squealing, fighting........as much as you try to  mind your own business it's hard when its that close to you.  If everyone who had problems with their teens chose emancipation, then the courts would have a court desginated for teen emancipation....it would be booked solid.  It does seem it too little too late. 

 
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