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Topic : 12/25 Divorcing the Family

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Created on : Thursday, October 05, 2006, 04:44:59 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 10/12/06) When you lose control of your kids and household, is it ever possible to get it back? Peggy was so fed up with her 17-year-old twin boys' behavior –- their yelling, tantrums, cursing, disrespect, fighting -- and the resulting strain on her marriage that she arrived at a radical solution: Divorce one of her sons from the family. However, when Peggy filed the paperwork to emancipate her son, the courts turned her down, leaving him in her care until age 18. Can Dr. Phil convince Peggy and her husband to accept responsibility for their deteriorating home situation? Can he inspire the teens to help calm the chaos? Or, is divorcing a family member a viable last-ditch option? Tell us what you think!

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December 24, 2006, 6:09 pm CST

12/25 Divorcing the Family

Quote From: ceildh1

This is a sticky topic, and one that I am at a loss to understand fully let me explain,

In the Mother's defense, I'm not sure that I could put up with that type of behavior myself, but (they're not perfect by any means) if my kids suddenly started acting like this young man, to me that would signal a MAJOR PROBLEM, I wonder how much actual time their Father spent with them just hanging out, and teaching them how to be MEN ?  Seems to me not a whole lot, it seemed to mje that MOM was left to raise these boys with minimal help from the primary male figure in their lives ( Sorry, but boys NEED some type of male role model, preferably DAD, but if not possible, than a coach or grandfather or someone POSITIVE to look up to ), that Dad has only seemed to teach those boys anger, and all the WRONG ways to express it, in his defense though, that was likely the way he was raised, how many of us remember the phrase " Wait until your Father gets home " ?

Playing favorites with kids, come on, I think we've all done that, one day one child is easier to be around than the other, but that BLATANT favoritism is WRONG on so many levels, they are Brothers, and one should not be resentful of the other one should not feel like he dosen't belong.  I think we always LOVE our children equally, we just don't like them some days or we like one more than another for ONE DAY !!!

Even the first time seeing this episode, the whole Emancipation thing seems extreme to me, but if kids can do it ( remembering that their brains aren't done growing and they are still children) why can't parents ?  But we are supposed to be the adults right ?  But really how many times can a kid tell you to F*** Off before you're finally able to say " I've had enough ?"

Just my thoughts.

 

I have to agree on this yet many a time a child responce is positive to their surrounding and mentality of the people their parents are. 

 

A child may take a candy without asking and without intention to displeases anyone; but as adult we know we would always displeases someone on the way to work or the mall.  So therefore what we are in acceptance within our adult life, may be of acceptance of our children lives now and in their adult lives.

 

If mom does not demands respect for herself then her sons may very well not respect authority figure in there lives, not forgetting woman.  Mom have to learned to fight the fight with dad on the post positive silent way so he does not bulldoze her femimity

 

 

 
December 24, 2006, 6:46 pm CST

suggestions

Quote From: cloudymom

I understand this ladies predicament.  but I wouldn't think of divorcing my children.  My children fight real bad.  (my two sons that is)  Yesterday they got into a bad fight.  I have fibromyalgia and in the las two months have started shaking.  My legs and arms shake.  I noticed yesterday when they got into the fight i started shaking bad.  I think it is stress.  I had a two hour discussion with my husband this morning and he has his head in the sand.  I know what has gotten us to this point but i don't know how to fix it.  I've checked counseling and my insurance won't pay for a licsenced therapist, only for phycologist, md etc.  but the ones I've called in the area don't accept insurance and charge about $100.00-150.00 a visit.  My husband blames me for it all because I'm not consistent and because I have undermined him.  He has been out of town for work for more then half our married life and now is gone all week.  I'm tired.  I feel so empty and don't know how to change things around here. I wished sometimes that I could send my oldest to a home to get help but I realize that when he comes back home it might all be the same because of the family dinamics. I homeschool two of my children the oldest goes to school away from home.  i know some things to do but struggle with not having the energy or being able to spread myself thin enough.  My fatigue seems to cloud my brain and make it hard to run the home with any kind of routine and regularity.  i just don't seem to be able to multi task like I used to.  I know if I had raised the children properly in the beginning that it wouldn't be so bad.  But also i was struggling with our moving from one state to another every three years.  Just when I found trustworthy babysitters and made friend s we moved again.  This has gone on all 15 years.  The home we are in now we have only been in for a little over a year.  The last six years we have lived in 4different places. I feel so unsettled. in addition I have an older son who has been in Irag twice and is going again in january.  Its hard when one is a mess health wise and sad to follow through with what is right or best. Unfortunetly I feel judged by local friends and associations.  I have no family in the area.  I'll just keep trying. 

Here are 2 suggestions that might be helpful.

 

If you live anywhere near a medical school or a teaching hospital, they usually have clinics with sliding fees that are adjusted to the family's ability to pay.

 

Stop home schooling.  Isn't it obvious that you cannot carry the load you have?  Send those 2 kids to school & give yourself some breathing room.  Clearly, this arrangement is doing nothing but harm.

 
December 24, 2006, 8:52 pm CST

where do these people come from

i have 3 sons and 1 step son--all the problems that comes with raising boys and i would never i mean never ever divorce any of my children--what kind of parents would do something like that--no matter what they  do they are your flesh and blood.  you stand by them and support them no matter what.  i had my oldest pass on my middle go to jail for something stupid , but i was there every visiting day .  no matter what they have done --i am their mother and will stand by them till the end of my life.

wendy m.

rhode island

 
December 25, 2006, 9:47 am CST

Motherhood is not easy and wonderful for everyone

It suprises me that so many people are quick to judge.  None of us has been in her shoes.  This mother is desperate and believes these are her only choices and until she learns different, why would anyone expect different.  Compassion goes along way.  Motherhood isn't easy for everyone.  When I was a young mother I couldn 't understand those women who said that they just loved being a mother and wouldn't mind having a dozen kids.  I couldn't understand why it was so hard and unpleasant for me when it was wonderful and enjoyable for all these other people.  Seriously, parenthood is hell during a crisis and a joy in the good times but it will always be a difficult job for even the best of us and I think even Dr. Phil and his wife had their moments when things may have been problematic although they got through it united.  Not everyone has that either!  All this mother wants is a moments peace and I have a great deal of compassion for her even though I don't agree with the methodology.
 
December 25, 2006, 1:15 pm CST

12/25 Divorcing the Family

I am surprised that  mothers and/or fathers believe that divorcing their children is an option.

My daugher, step daughter, is bi-polar. What a ride that was trying to figure out what was wrong. Being worried and heart sick a lot of the time and many arguements with my husband, our daughter and son, more than I care to remember.  If I chose to divorce her or myself from our family due to the fact that my husband and I fought over getting her treatment, who knows what would have happened. It would have been so easy to say, " go live with your grandparents, or biological mother...a friend."

 

Our daughter is a lovely young women with a lot going for her. She recently married and has secured a steady job. I wouldn't trade a single moment of our past. Our family is filled with love and respect for one another. We are not perfect, but we all know that we are there for each other in good times and bad.

 

I believe more times than not , what seems to be a disaster within a family unit is really a lesson, a lesson that tightens and bonds a family. This has been true for our family anyway.

 
December 25, 2006, 3:30 pm CST

I can relate

I think this family reflects what is happening in my home.  I only have one son (16) and I feel like a doormat!  It depressed me to hear Dr. Phil say that the same sex parent has major influence on the child because my husband is a "functioning alcoholic" and never has a kind word to say to our son who is always angry.  My husband thinks he is ALWAYS right; won't listen to any other opinion.  I've tried to be the mediator and am so stressed all the time that I just want to run away.  Dr. Phil pointed out that maybe hormones could be part to of the problem; that gives me hope I can survive until my son leaves.  He says he'll be gone as soon as he turns 18.  What also struck me about today's show was the idea of a fifth personality--a composite of the family.  I guess that's why we are all so negative when we come home.  I'm going to get the transcript of the show and do some studying.  Thanks Dr. Phil!!!
 
December 25, 2006, 4:20 pm CST

Emancipation $$

When a husband and wife get a divorce one is usually responsible for paying the other allimony.  That said I think that irregardless of who seeks the emancipation the child should be provided with mandatory financial support.  I think there should be legislation laws that if you or your child is divorced from the parents the parents in question should bare the financial responsibility for that child to live independently or in the care of a resposible care giver.  I was adopted by extremely abusive parents; my biggest mistake in life was not divorcing my adoptive parents when the opportunity represented itself.  Legally separating myself from my adoptive parents would have been the best thing that ever could have happened to me.
 
December 25, 2006, 6:07 pm CST

Divorcing the Family

 I would hate the thought of divocring a child. In a way, my family is in that dilemma right now. Today my brother has been kicked out of the house, which means, he's been kicked out of the family. For good. My mother wants nothing to do with him and she never wants to see him again. I'm sure some would think that she's not serious.But she is. She's never been more serious. My brother doesn't know he's been kicked out forever. He's at his girlfriends house maybe. My mum is dumpng all his belongings on their driveway right as I type this. It's raining. So my mother has disowned my brother and my world has come crashing down. As you can see, it's been a lovely Christmas today. So from a child in a family, divocring a child seems much too harsh to me and I know I shouldn't be too quick to judge parents, but I'm not happy with what my mum has done today and I do not support the idea of divorcing a child unless it's the only solution.
 
December 25, 2006, 7:24 pm CST

12/25 Divorcing the Family

My 12 year old son is going through the exact same thing right now because of my ex-husband (his real father).  It saddens me that he picked up our 10 year old yesterday for the holiday but not his brother!  Father has lost control and now washed his hands of our son who we have shared custody of he thinks he is teaching him tough love!  I see it as a Father who cannot control his anger and in our divorce decree states "no physical discipline" he lost control of a situation about 3 weeks ago CPS became involved and now my ex-husband is taking it out on our son.  On two different occassions my son has wanted to go inside his fathers house mind you prior to all of this my son went to his dads every other week, no my ex wouldnt even let him in their home.  My son came back to the truck in tears, I do not understand why dad doesnt see this as an emotional low for our son and how his lack of positive parenting skills is negatively affecting him.

 
December 25, 2006, 7:40 pm CST

What a Shame

      I get so tired of seeing this same theme, more or less, played out in family after family, here, there and all over this country, children rebelling against their parents with such anger and vehemence that the parents can't seem to cope.  My children are both adults now, one 41 and one 38, and I just had to have the, "you both act like adolescent children from time to time," talk with one of them again on the phone the other day. 

      It, (your control over them), has to start  when they are born, not when they reach an age of reason, (that may never happen), and it ends when one of you dies, them or you. 

      We started to lose control of our children when Dr. Benjamin Spock wrote his book about childhood and parenting, and women went to work enmasse. 

       A family is not a single parent raising one, two or a dozen children, a family is a mother and a father working together as a unit, raising children to be productive, respectable, compassionate, loving adults, so that they can raise their children the same way. 

       If children are not taught at a very early age, that their parents are to be respected, and feared, they will eventually wind up in the same situation as these kids.  Children today feel that there are no real consequences for inappropriate actions.  There probably weren't any when they were young and now they don't fear anything.  What a shame....

        

 
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