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Topic : Living Together

Number of Replies: 1608
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:07:28 pm
Author : dataimport
Cohabitation is sometimes a smart (and economical!) way to learn about your compatibilities before taking the plunge. How is living together working for you?

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November 12, 2008, 9:34 am CST

how long is too long to stay in a relationship without a committment

I am a forty year old women with two kids and was married for almost 18 years.  I have been dating the same guy for almost 4 years now.  We are as serious as you can be without living together or being engaged or married.  I want more of a commitment and he says he does too, but isn't it the guys job to make that committment with the female?  Our kids and families get along beautifully.  I think he has a phobia of committment.  He was married for 17 years.  Please help me in deciding what to do.
 
November 12, 2008, 9:48 am CST

Living Together

I am a 40 year old with two kids.  I am divorced and was married for 18 years.  I have dating the same guy for almost 4 years now,  Our children are the same age and we each have a boy and a girl.  They get along perfectly.  My question is that almost 2 years ago he was diagnosed with ALS.  And has progressively gotten worse.  He walks with crutches and can't do what he used to without them.  I help him out with doing errands and doing his laundry, dishes, cleaning his house, and doing the trash on thursdays and mowing the yard or shoveling the snow.  We don't live together.  That is 2 households that I have to take care of.

My question is that he says he loves me and he was married for 17 years himself, why won't he committ to me?  He says he wants to and never does anything about it.  I would love to live with him or marry him.  I loved everything about being married.  I want to help him in his condition, but I don't want to waste the rest of my life with someone who I am good enough for some things but not all the things that I want and need.

How do you determine if he loves you and will he ever commit?  How can I tell?

 
November 19, 2008, 6:02 am CST

What Do I do? I can't keep doing this....

Me and my partner have been having trust issues since months ago, its been really hard for me since we've been together for around 1 year and 6 months he's always saying something but doing something else at the end of the day,   The other day me and my partner went to the park it was really crowded
they were gonna light up a Christmas tree. he told to take his arm and
follow him so I did, it was really hard to walk because there was a lot
of people, then I realized he was following a guy that was in front of
him, wherever the guy was going my partner was following him behind
him, then I realized that my partner was whispering at his ear, it was
becoming suspicious to me, my partner kept following this guy wherever
he was going, after that when the guy was leaving he passed right in
front of me and started to touch my d***, I got so upset and I punch
the guy twice on his face, I looked at my partner he didn't say
anything, then I touched my partner and you could say that he was
excited, so OBVIOUSLY something was going on, my partner of coursed
denied everything, I left him for a day and went back to the apartment
where we live and now he is treating me like a king, provably he is
trying to cover his mistake. I just don't think I could keep living
with him after that.
 
November 27, 2008, 9:15 am CST

stressed

well me and my boyfriend have been living together for about a year. at first we had our own apartment but then we lost it because of his expense that he had before me like his car note and insurance. so now we stay at his mother house. i wanted to just move into another apartment but he want to save up money so we can own a house. but i'm just not happy. i have a 4 year old son and he have 2children around the same age so we are always bumpin heads when it comes to raising them. he also have a really bad attitude problem he get upset over the littlest things, he is very impatient, and he just say really mean things when he get mad. like he called me a lying bitch one time,he also throw  my food at me. I no your thinking why am i still in this relationship. But he is really a good man anything a ask for he gives it to me. he'll give me the world if he can but now the bad is starting to out way the good. should i stay ans try yo work it out of leave it alone?
 
November 29, 2008, 12:20 am CST

Is it really my fault?

I've known my boyfriend for three years.  We started with a really unhealthy relationship as so called friends with benefits.  However, we finally decided to take it to the next level three months ago.  We started a very serious relationship and i decided to move in with him.  It started very well, we had so much fun. However it went downhill three weeks after I moved in.  I am a very emotional person and need attention 24/7. Yet, my boyfriend who's 10 years older then me hates women who are seeking attentions all the time. He is very controlling. It is ok for him to come home at 3am but not me. It is ok for him to flirt but not me.  And whenever we got into arguments, he'd tell me that I need to grow up and start to act like an adult. He always bring our old history during a fight to prove that i am a player-which i am not, we were just having fun back then.  He always make me feel so little. I am really sad because I changed so much for him and i've being cooking, cleaning, and treating him nothing but as a king. I can't act like a robot without emotions.  So I started drinking which makes the situation even worse. Is it really me who needs to change or should I simply just need to move on?

 
November 30, 2008, 10:56 pm CST

Living Together

Quote From: jaimie1974

The fact that your boyfriend brings up negative things from your history - a history that you SHARE with him - means that he is emotionally immature and self centered. You need to realize that you are the one and only person who is in control of your life; you don't have to wait around for this man to tell you what to do or what not to do. He enjoys those qualities in you when it suits him; and when it does not suit him, then he calls you names to make you feel badly about yourself. His motive is to strip your self esteem away so that you eventually will truly believe those terrible things about yourself. I hope that he never fulfills that goal! I urge you to take more control of your life. You treat him well because you love him, and that treatment should go both ways. He should treat you well because he loves you, too. Instead of getting into a fight and then saying terrible mean things, you need to keep your argument on the actual topic that you are arguing about; don't allow him to stray off topic and go into the past. If he does anyway, all you can do is refuse to engage him in that argument. He can't argue with you if you refuse to participate. This takes practice- you are used to this toxic pattern that you two have been going around and around in. You can break the pattern and I wish you the best!
Thank you for replying my maessage. I actually broke up with him last night. I told him that I think he loves himself too much and no matter how good I treat him and how hard I try, it seems always not good enough for him. He didn't say anything but set there. I cried the entire night. And this morning, I was stupid enough to apologize to him and ask for his forgiveness by knowing it was the wrong move to make.  However, he told me "I will think about it."  He's been really cold with me yet still hugs me and kisses me on his way out to work.  And tonight, after watching a movie together, he told me he's going out for drinks. When i asked him where he was going, he got offensive and questioned me why i care.  Oh, i also cut my hair off by 11inches, he helds that against me as well. He told me when girls cut their hair is the same thing as they cut themselves.  I mean, WHAT??? I just wanted a simple change.  Really, i don't know why i'm still sitting here crying and waiting him to get home. I don't know why i'm still hoping he will tell me that he wants to be with me. I know that deserve so much more. What should I do?
 
December 3, 2008, 8:08 am CST

How long to wait for committment

I am in a four year relationship.  We get along fabulously.  We are both divorced with two kids a piece.  Our daughters are the same age and our sons are the same age.  I was married for 18 years and he was married for 17 years.  So we know what it's like to be in a long-term relationship.  About two years ago he was diagnosed with ALS.  Since his diagnoses he is using crutches to walk with and can't do the normal things that it takes to get through a normal day.  Like carry a drink or dinner plate from kitchen to table or front room.  I have been doing things for him, such as mowing the yard, doing dishes,cooking,running sweeper so forth.  I do these things because I love and care about him.  I wanted to live together a long time ago and even though he would bring it up alot it would never happen.  I own my house and it is quite small, however, he lives in a one bedroom house that he rents.  He says my house is too small to live together.  I keep having to run back and forth from house to house to cook and do errands.  His oven doesn't even work.  Now things are getting worse and it is not wise for him to live on his own, going down his stairs and back up them again seem to exhaust him for the rest of the day. 

My question is I wanted to live with him before he was unable to live on his own, now that he is having more trouble he wants to move into my house and doesn't seem too concerned how small it is.  My opinion is why now?  Why not when I wanted and why now when I am going to have to do more and more as time goes on?  I don't mind but I feel like he is only moving in {maybe} because of reasons he denies instead he says I wanted to live with you long ago and you never took me serious.  That is not true in my mind at all.  What do I do?  I love him and I want to be with him and it would be easier to just take care of one household than two, but why am I always getting the short end of the stick?

It's always on everyone's time.  I want to do the right thing for everyone involved we need to think about the kids too. 

Please any thoughts that anyone has will sure help put a light on things for me.

 

 

 
December 5, 2008, 5:45 pm CST

living together

 

  I'm new to the community and would like to give my view on living together. I normaly would be against such a thing but looking at my history with men, and having no comitments made to me through out my life time I am now quick to say if he loves you and not ready to commit but wants to live together and take responsibilities as a family then who am I to disagree. Sometimes we get love the best we know how and if you can find peace and love in a common law marriage then go for it. I have a strict dead line to be married by 2009 and if it hasn't happened than I have to be content with a common law marriage, it beats living alone and single

 
December 5, 2008, 6:09 pm CST

living together

Quote From: natalie878

My bf and I have lived together for nearly 4 years now, I'm 47 and he's 50, but if I had it to do over again, I'd just date or spend weekends cohabitating!

When we first started dating, I thought here is the most honest upfront guy, holds nothing back, wow, I didn't have that in my marriage of 23 years. We had a great time, the kids all got along great, all was wonderful. We moved in together and silly me had visions of getting remarried and he just kept saying, I'm not ready for that or I need to be sure before we do that..the blow comment was I want to be sure you're the one. That hurt..alot. It certainly made me back off and rethink my position. Increasingly I felt the need to stay 'single'.

Lo and behold ON our 3 year anniversary early in the morning there was a knock at the door, with a woman standing there..asking for him. He came back from the door white as a ghost holding papers, even with sleepy eyes, I could see they were DIVORCE papers. I didn't have a CLUE that he was married. You could have knocked me over with a feather!!!!! They had been married for 3 1/2 years, she disappeared after 4 mo. of marriage, and he'd never heard from her again until that day.

After a blur of lawyers he was divorced in 6 weeks. He just thought she'd fall off the face of the earth I guess.LOL

NOW  he's all into let's get married blah blah blah, and I have no interest what so ever. He took the 'us' out of trust and it's something I can't get past. I've bought a house with only my name on it, we still live together, altho I sometimes really wonder why..

 

 

 

   I really applaud you for sticking to your guns and holding off marriage if he has lost your trust then he should win it back by being honest and maybe some couseling. But if it had been me I would just to perfer to live together and settle for that, you have hinted to him that you should get married and he had excuse after excuse why you should wait, well after the last time then it seems only fair to make him wait. Until then consider yourself in a common law marriage for a long time

 
December 7, 2008, 5:51 pm CST

Compromising

I've been living with my b/f for a year and a half. He has a dog that is a boxer. It has leaky bladder problems which causes some vaginal discharge. It also "sharts". The dog is always either lying on my couch or bed. There are spots of urine, discharge, and sometimes diahrrea on my white bedding and on my couch. I am also allergic to the dog and I get itchy and red when it touches my skin. I get very itchy all over when I am sleeping in my bed because the dog lays in the bed. I am constantly washing my bedding. I have complained to my b/f about the problems. We have gotten in many arguments about it. He still insists that the dog be able to lay on the couch and bed. It makes me so mad to see the dog jump up on my furniture, and because my b/f totally disregards my feelings about it. Today I finally told him that I it pisses me off that he lets the dog on the couch because of all of the above reasons and because it is disrespectful for him to not care about my feelings or allergies. He got angry and said that my daughter scratches up the dash of his truck with her feet and that a lot of things that I do piss him off. I tried to tell him that I don't agree with her doing that and that I don't tell her to do that, like he tells the dog to come up on the couch. He refused to talk about it anymore and now we are in a fight and not speaking. I think it is stupid to be fighting about a dog and for him to get so defensive about it. I bought the dog a very nice big dog bed but it didn't solve anything. I'm ready to end the relationship over the issue.
 
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