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Topic : Living Together

Number of Replies: 1608
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Last Reply On:
Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:07:28 pm
Author : dataimport
Cohabitation is sometimes a smart (and economical!) way to learn about your compatibilities before taking the plunge. How is living together working for you?

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December 15, 2008, 4:02 pm CST

"In-Law" Problems

Ok, this is a VERY long one...

 

I have been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years and we've been living together for one year. About a month and a half ago, his mother and 14-year-old sister moved in with us. His mother does nothing outside of the home, even though she is able to, just sits there all day and occasionally "cleans" and may cook for her, her daughter, and my boyfriend (he works 2nd shift, I work 1st). The 14-year-old is always breaking the rules she was told to follow (no friends over during the week, don't take the phone upstairs, be in by curfew, do your chores -- the most simple and easy-to-follow rules). Well, for the past couple of weeks, whenever I'm home and she breaks one of the rules, I say something. The mother does not, well, that is except when my boyfriend is home. THEN she is some what of a parent.

 

Well, whenever I say something, whether it's about wanting privacy, alone time with my bf, or the sister breaking the rules, it gets blown up and everyone starts yelling and arguing. And I'M the bad person for wanting some normalcy and order in this house. Last week, I was saying to my bf, in front of his mother, that the 14-year-old needs discipline. He said that he knows and that he will take care of it. And I said something along the lines of I having to discipline her (as in telling her not to have friends over, do her chores, etc.) The mother blew up. Apparently SHE disciplies her child, she tells her no (even though she lets her break the rules at the house).

 

Today, the girl came home with a friend. I did not say a word. And the mother did not tell the friend to leave. Once again breaking the rules. I've been told by one of my family members to just keep my mouth shut about everything. I was told by another to just be quiet and when something happens write it down. And after a week show my bf the paper so he knows what goes on when I do keep quiet.

 

What do I do? I told my bf that after they move out in a month or so that I don't want anyone else moving in. He says that as long as there is a family member of his in need of a place to stay then he will allow them to live with us. That is until we start a family, then he will make whoever move out. He says that he doesn't put his family first. To me it seems like he does, but then his family thinks he puts me first. Plus he is always telling me not to get in between him and his family.

 

I don't want to move out or break up. And I've talked to him about everything. I'm afraid of doing something that will come between him & his family. Everything that I have done so far has been reasonable. But I just don't know where that line is (well, unless I say it's me or them).

 

I know all of the yelling and arguing stresses him out & I don't want that. Should I keep my mouth shut? It's either I say something and everyone fights or I keep my mouth shut and the mother and daughter has the run of the house. I'm stuck.

 
December 15, 2008, 9:58 pm CST

trouble with fiancee helping around the house

my fiancee and i have been living together since we started dating 3 1/2 yrs ago. he has a 5 yr old daughter who had just turned 2 a cpl mos before i moved in. everything was going great we were both working and sharing the house responsibilities. since we have lived together we have moved 4 times and each time things started getting a little harder to handle. i admit that both of our moods had changed after we first moved and only started getting better after we got our taxes back last yr (07 taxes for 06)  and last year when we moved to the place we are in now i got pregnant and he started doing less and less work. plus he had to find a new job because the company he worked for at the time decided to close its doors. well needless to say he got a wonderful job working 5pm to about 5 or 6am depending on how big the orders are that need to be filled. the whole time im pregnant, my nephew is living with me since his mother went to school for army reserves for 6 mos. working taking care of his 5 yr old daughter making sure dinner is made before he goes to work as well as doing everything else and trying to get help from my nephew (he left in june just after i had my baby) and helping him when i can with his school work and all that. well now our daughter is now 6 mos old and i can not get him to help with anything around the house and he argues that he works all night and im the one thats home all day. i did go back to work in aug. but only for 2 weeks because they fired me and i have been looking for work and receiving unemployment since then. but now my main issue is i dont get out of the house at all i dont really get any help with the kids except when i leave the kids in the living room with him and go to the bedroom and i dont get any time alone cause he doesnt go anywhere and when he does he wont take the kids all because he sleeps all day from working all night granted no his job is not easy but its not the hardest in the world, i make sure all three of them are fed have clean clothes house is cleaned and for the past cpl months i have been trying to get his help but he is telling me that it is my responsibility because i am home all day. i told him in sept b4 we went to visit my parents that i was feeling like nothing but a maid and a sex toy because i am the one doing everything so lately over the past 2 mos or so i have gotten lazier and lazier on getting things done like the dishes and laundry getting backed up. as well as trying to get over the issue that his mother requires money every week for a job she is not doing just because his daughter stays over there 2 nights a week and she has to take her to school when she stays over. i am having a hard time dealing with all the responsibilities being put on my shoulders even though im not working and im home all day. i am planning on my mother coming to get me for a week after xmas when i get my money and telling him that he has to figure out what he has to do to make me wanna stay with him because right now the love we share is not enough and i am starting to feel in a way depressed alone and unhappy. i am at a loss of what to do and not sure where to turn to get the advice or help that i need so hopefully here will be a good place to start.
 
December 18, 2008, 10:24 am CST

Living Together

Quote From: hleake

Ok, this is a VERY long one...

 

I have been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years and we've been living together for one year. About a month and a half ago, his mother and 14-year-old sister moved in with us. His mother does nothing outside of the home, even though she is able to, just sits there all day and occasionally "cleans" and may cook for her, her daughter, and my boyfriend (he works 2nd shift, I work 1st). The 14-year-old is always breaking the rules she was told to follow (no friends over during the week, don't take the phone upstairs, be in by curfew, do your chores -- the most simple and easy-to-follow rules). Well, for the past couple of weeks, whenever I'm home and she breaks one of the rules, I say something. The mother does not, well, that is except when my boyfriend is home. THEN she is some what of a parent.

 

Well, whenever I say something, whether it's about wanting privacy, alone time with my bf, or the sister breaking the rules, it gets blown up and everyone starts yelling and arguing. And I'M the bad person for wanting some normalcy and order in this house. Last week, I was saying to my bf, in front of his mother, that the 14-year-old needs discipline. He said that he knows and that he will take care of it. And I said something along the lines of I having to discipline her (as in telling her not to have friends over, do her chores, etc.) The mother blew up. Apparently SHE disciplies her child, she tells her no (even though she lets her break the rules at the house).

 

Today, the girl came home with a friend. I did not say a word. And the mother did not tell the friend to leave. Once again breaking the rules. I've been told by one of my family members to just keep my mouth shut about everything. I was told by another to just be quiet and when something happens write it down. And after a week show my bf the paper so he knows what goes on when I do keep quiet.

 

What do I do? I told my bf that after they move out in a month or so that I don't want anyone else moving in. He says that as long as there is a family member of his in need of a place to stay then he will allow them to live with us. That is until we start a family, then he will make whoever move out. He says that he doesn't put his family first. To me it seems like he does, but then his family thinks he puts me first. Plus he is always telling me not to get in between him and his family.

 

I don't want to move out or break up. And I've talked to him about everything. I'm afraid of doing something that will come between him & his family. Everything that I have done so far has been reasonable. But I just don't know where that line is (well, unless I say it's me or them).

 

I know all of the yelling and arguing stresses him out & I don't want that. Should I keep my mouth shut? It's either I say something and everyone fights or I keep my mouth shut and the mother and daughter has the run of the house. I'm stuck.

i know how you feel on that one. my fiancee and i had moved into a place just so his brother could move in and i wasnt allowed to say anything at all even though he and i were the ones paying for everything. but my advice is its your place and your boyfriends place not his mothers house...you help pay the bills and all his sister does is school and his mother doesnt do much at all so the rules are yours to make speak up if they fight then they fight because they are not doing anything to help contribute to the household income but if that doesnt work then unfortunately the last resort would be for you to move out and besides you deserve to be treated with some type of respect from all sides because you are willing to put up with everything in the house. but just try your best to sit him down and tell him what you are feeling over a night out or something and tell him what its gonna come down to if things dont start to change and hopefully it wil get better. best of luck
 
December 21, 2008, 8:06 pm CST

Living Together

Quote From: jaimie1974

If your boyfriend showed even a token improvement, would that make you happy enough to stay? I suspect that is really all you want; for him to just show you that he really does WANT to help. with things the way that they are right now, he is only making you feel more stressed and depressed. When you are in a loving, committed relationship, the two of you are supposed to bring one another up, not down! I know it is sad to think of leaving, but what choice do you have when all you feel is like an object there for his convenience? You shouldn't be feeling that way; he should WANT to help you feel better about that. I wish you the best.
yes just some kind of improvment is all i ask for i mean help with dishes once in a whie or a lil help with laundry on his day off or just take the kids somewhere so i have some time alone and not have to worry about anything thats all i am trying to get him to do and its not working...but at least someone gets what im trying to say :)   and even just a thank you would be nice once or twice  a week would be great but im gonna clean thisweek and go home for a visit and hopefully itll be the time apart that we need so thanks for the support and understanding
 
December 23, 2008, 4:08 pm CST

living together

 

  I have met a guy and he stays on the road a lot (he's a truck driver) he leaves and goes to state to state and usualy he ends up my way. would it be alright if I were to say while you are out and my way you could stay with me, but if I did do this I hope it would lead to more. I am so use to living alone besides my kids that having him here would be different. I have told him this and thought it would be okay since he is on the road a lot, sort of like two homes for him. I dont on the other hand want him to take advantage of me either but I never asked a guy to move in before sometimes i wish i would have the sight of a future with him to see if it's a good move or a mistake. he has two kids way older than mine and my home is smal three br any suggestions should i or shouldn't i

 
January 19, 2009, 2:21 pm CST

Living Together

Quote From: bignthickgirl

 

  I have met a guy and he stays on the road a lot (he's a truck driver) he leaves and goes to state to state and usualy he ends up my way. would it be alright if I were to say while you are out and my way you could stay with me, but if I did do this I hope it would lead to more. I am so use to living alone besides my kids that having him here would be different. I have told him this and thought it would be okay since he is on the road a lot, sort of like two homes for him. I dont on the other hand want him to take advantage of me either but I never asked a guy to move in before sometimes i wish i would have the sight of a future with him to see if it's a good move or a mistake. he has two kids way older than mine and my home is smal three br any suggestions should i or shouldn't i

Sounds like it could be a good deal if you are wanting company but don't want someone to live with you full time.  A bit confused on the issue of his kids.  Are they going to live with you full time?

Since none of us ever knows what the future holds (not even the next minute) all we can do is go by how we FEEL about it, make the decisions, and be ready for whatever scenario comes along.

My first instinct in reading your story of course is "on the road alot? does that mean he has lots of women in other states  opening their homes to him. how much time have you spent with him to get to know if he is someone with whom you want to entrust your home and children?"  I realize these are all somewhat negative thoughts, based in fear, we are well trained that way you know.

My heart says, listen to your heart.


 
January 25, 2009, 8:21 am CST

Am I expecting too much?

I'm recently divorced and have been dating the same man for a little over a yr now.  I'm 36 & he's 38.  I have two children, 17 &7, who live with me.  He has a son, 7, who lives with his ex.  Our relationship seemed to be going very well.  It's everything I never had before until recently.  He told everyone he was moving in at the first of the year but then he didn't move.  Then he said he would move at the end of January.  Moving during the holidays just wasn't a good idea.  Fine.  We're one week away from the end of January & I don't think he's going to move.  I don't want to push it but now he's throwing out crazy excuses.  Is he just scared? He has never been married & I've been married twice.  Sometimes that is his excuse.  Also lately I've started to realize that I do everything in the relationship.  I let him be comfortable by always staying with him at his place with my kids.  I have my own house.  It would be nice to stay there.  Here's the issue - through no fault of his I feel very co-dependent on him.  My mind is telling me that I just need to get out or pull away for a little bit but then there is another part wondering if I'm expecting too much.  I'm afraid of another relationship going wrong.

 
January 28, 2009, 12:16 pm CST

Equal partnership?

Quote From: lemonorange

I'm recently divorced and have been dating the same man for a little over a yr now.  I'm 36 & he's 38.  I have two children, 17 &7, who live with me.  He has a son, 7, who lives with his ex.  Our relationship seemed to be going very well.  It's everything I never had before until recently.  He told everyone he was moving in at the first of the year but then he didn't move.  Then he said he would move at the end of January.  Moving during the holidays just wasn't a good idea.  Fine.  We're one week away from the end of January & I don't think he's going to move.  I don't want to push it but now he's throwing out crazy excuses.  Is he just scared? He has never been married & I've been married twice.  Sometimes that is his excuse.  Also lately I've started to realize that I do everything in the relationship.  I let him be comfortable by always staying with him at his place with my kids.  I have my own house.  It would be nice to stay there.  Here's the issue - through no fault of his I feel very co-dependent on him.  My mind is telling me that I just need to get out or pull away for a little bit but then there is another part wondering if I'm expecting too much.  I'm afraid of another relationship going wrong.

My first thought after reading your post is why do you want to live with him?  You've only been dating for a year, it seems to be basically a one sided relationship whereas you seem to make all the concessions and your gut instincts are telling you to pull back due to your co-dependancy issues.  Do you already feel that this relationship is having problems so you feel the need to run away before getting hurt again?  If in fact you have codependency issues then he probably knows it and may be taking advantage of them. 

 

I would definately not move in together and renegotiate the terms of this relationship so that they are equal.  I don't mean keeping tabs on who does what for whom and how many times but if you feel that you are being taken advantage of and are giving more than you receive then this needs to be talked about and worked on.  Doesn't seem than neither one of you are ready to move in together so let that go and instead work on the relationship IF you see a future with this guy.  If not, then end it and move on.  You're looking for an equal partnership, I don't think that is asking too much.

 
February 5, 2009, 2:09 pm CST

trying to start over

On my seventh yr anniversary of marriage I found out that my husband was gay.  I tried for 3 yrs after that day  to keep our marriage together.  I thought it was my fault, that I made him this way. two week before we was to separate he had gotten a blood clot in his brain and just about died.  I still stood by his side and took care of him.  Held down a full time job, went back and forth to the hospital for 3 months and took care of are 8yr old daughter.  after he got out of the hospital and had recovered I caught him again with his "man friend."  I was mad as hell.  because I was trying to keep this marriage together for our daughter. I told him that if we was going to make it work he needed to stay away from his "man friend"  he said that he was not going to choose between me and his friends so on are 10th yr anniversary I moved him out and filed for a divorce.  He was really upset because he had to move back home with his brother (there dad owned a
home, they lived there for free).  He had to tell his family and friends why we was getting divorced.  No one knew. I have been divorce for 4 yrs this year.  My X does not call or visit his daughter.  She is 12 yrs of age now.  she knows why me and her dad got divorced.  Me and her father explained everything as good as we could to her.  She says she understands and says she loves her dad no matter what.  She just wishes her dad would come and see her or call once in a while.  this breaks my heart.  But I am a happier person now.  I have fallen in love with another man and my xhusband is not happy at all.  The man I have fall for was are best man at are wedding. I have known him for 15yrs he is great.    him and myself lost contact for 5 yrs ago.  My X husband called me about 7months ago and told me that are friends (my boyfriend now) was getting divorced I told him to give me his # so I could check on him.  I called him and we started dating.  (we
have been attracted to one another for a long time.  But never did nothing Because we took are marriage vows serious).  My daughter loves him but she don't want no one to take her dads place.  (I never started dating until recently because I didn't want different men in my daughters life.)  He has a 19 yr old daughter who does not like me.  When His wife left him, she left him with two children ages 19 girl and boy 13.  She later came back and took the son but has nothing to do with the daughter.  Her and her dad live together by themselves for almost a year before I came along.  She say she wants her dad and her home back to themselves.  Her dad has decided that he wants me to be in there lives so she decided to move in with her grandmother across the road.  His mom don't like me because she thinks I pushing his daughter out of there home, but that is not true.  all I want is a happy family.  I have put my daughter on the back burner to make his
daughter happy and nothing I do is not good enough. I have stood back and watched my boyfriend try to fix this problem.  I don't want to be put in a place where I feel some one is choosing.  I went thought that once and It really hurt.  My heart hurts for her and I just want to be a happy family.  How do we move on as a family and not make her feel left out because she is trying to push me away.  He tells me that she will get over it.  that she needs to grow up (and that she does need to do) he says that he love me, and he needs to have a life also.  I understand that and I want the same thing.  But is it wrong for use to be happy and want a happy family?  I don't think so!  I'm know I'm a people pleaser.  how do I fix this problem? she liked me before we dated.  please help......
 
February 7, 2009, 4:45 am CST

being a people pleaser

Quote From: jaimie1974

It sounds like youve been through a lot, way more then many people, and you truly deserve to live a happy, healthy life & to experience a happy, healthy relationship. In regards to your own daughter & the new man in your life, have you explained to her that your bf isnt going to take the place of her father? Tell her the reasons that you are dating him- list off a few of his positive qualities, and then re-state that no one will ever take the place of her biological father. Although it must hurt very much that her father doesnt play a big role in her life, that doesnt mean no man should ever care for her in a fatherly way, and again, that is not the same as actually being her father. She can have a healthy balance. Also, part of growing up for your daughter is her learning to share her mom, and also to recognize that mom needs & deserves to share her life with a partner. Which leads me to your boyfriends daughter
His daughter has actually moved out because he is dating you? That makes her sound highly irrational and unreasonable, which leads me to believe this: no matter what, she wont be happy that her father has found a happy relationship. It doesnt matter that it is you or someone else; she does not want him to live out the remainder of his life having someone to love. How selfish of her. No matter what, my advice to you is to try to include your kids in your relationship; if they decline, then that is their decision. Give your daughter some time to come around, but I doubt that his daughter will come around. Youve got to do what is right & best for YOU at this point in your life. At the same time, be conscious of the time you spend/dont spend with your daughter & make special dates/times for just the two of you to do special things that you both enjoy. You are transitioning from a child/parent relationship with her into a parent/young adult child now, so it is important to be an active part of her life. I wish you the very best!!

Thank you jaimie for taking your time to read my story. 

 

Me and her have a great relationship.  (I hope it doesn't change when she gets older).  I had sat down and had a talk with my daughter about my BF before we move in.    There are still times me and her still have to talk about the thing that my BF does with her.  She says things like " If my daddy was here he could do this with me instead of the BF"  and I tell her that it is her fathers chose if he wants to be in her life to her and do things with her.  I try very hard never to say and thing bad or negative about her dad.  Her dad see her about 3 times a year and may call every 3 to 4 months.  That is if my daughter don't call him first.  when she does ask to call her dad I have no problem with that.  My BF has sat her down and talked to her too.  He has said that he would never take the place of her dad.  But he would always be there for her and treat her as his own daughter.  She does loves him alot.  But she will remind us from time to time that she has a dad too.  and we let her know that she will always love her dad,  but other people will come into your life that you can love to.  The one thing that has helped alot with this is me and my daughter has known this man before she was born.  He has always been part of are lives expect the 5 years we lost touch.  and My daughter has always liked him.  I have a great daughter and she has been though a lot.  When she was 10 My father tried to sexual molest her.  She would not let him do nothing and she came and told me.  I don't have nothing to do with my family at all.  My dad did molest me when I was a child and I told my mom but she didn't believe me.  My dad told her years later that he did.  I blame myself for putting my daughter in that position.   I lost my job and had nowhere to go so I had to move back home.( I thought my dad would not  do that because he had changed.)   After my daughter told me shat happened I got what cloths I could. and me and her lived in my car, and between friends until I got another job.  we finally found a home and Then this wonder man walked into my life.  and here we are to day.  I have nothing to do with my family at all.  That is why I want to be a family and life a happy life.    Sorry this story is so long.  Thank you for listening.

 

   

 
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