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Topic : Living Together

Number of Replies: 1608
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Last Reply On:
Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:07:28 pm
Author : dataimport
Cohabitation is sometimes a smart (and economical!) way to learn about your compatibilities before taking the plunge. How is living together working for you?

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February 16, 2009, 9:33 am CST

My Apartment- My rules?

Okay- So here is the breakdown. My boyfriend and I have been living together for almost a year. We have been together for about a year and a half. Due to bad past relationships and learning from them when he moved in I kept him off the lease. It is just me. Any big purchases on or in the house have been made by me. Incase anything would happen and we would split there would been no fighting over who gets what because one it was my apartment to begin with and 90% of what is in there I purchased. When he moved in I layed down the law. This was is appropriate and this is what I am not willing to put up with. I have a MAJOR issue with pornography. I told him you live in my house, I don't want it in my house, on my computer. Nothing!  He agreed. He knows about my past and how I feel about it. I found out about two weeks ago about two times that he admits to he go "Bored and Curious" were his words and look at porn on my computer.  He is a forum moderator which he kind of "patrols" message boards like these for inappropriate posts etc.  Well on this forum he is part of these have a special area just for guys that has these porn pics etc.  He looked twice, never said anything. I happened to find out.  Since then I made up a fake name on the site he patrols not only to see what he has been saying but to see how "graphic" these pics are. However I think he may have caught on.  Trust is a big big issue to me.  I feel like  a bad person because I did this. But the big problem is that he broke my trust. And our agreement when he moved in. I think I now have a right to know what he is doing...even if it means finding out behind his back...?

*sorry if this is in the wrong section*

 
February 18, 2009, 7:07 pm CST

living together

 Hello
 I am a 45 year old single parent who has been in a on again off again relationship for 11years. Yes thats right 11 years. I am now I guess you could say living with my partner but still very confused. He started staying withme in our home in december of 2009. We thought we would attempt living together he has not yet changed his address for any mail and it still goes to his sisters house where he has lived for the last 10 years. We lived together 10 years ago it lasted a year. and he moved into his sisters house where he has been ever since. Expenses were brought up recently and he thought he should only pay one quarter of the rent and utilities. I have two teenage boys 18 and 17 years of age who both maintain jobs as well as my 17 year old is still going to school. He has two daughters 21 and 27 of which the 27 year old is still always bailed out by him finacially. He reallly has very little conversation with my sons they can walk in and not even speak. Where I think he should be initiating conversation with them eg. How was your day at school ect. That has always been an issue for me am I expecting to much? He has been this way since I have been with him and this is what makes me have second thoughts about wheather or not to continue having a relationship with him. He is a very quiet man who does really not say much very calm really avoids any arguement and just goes along with eveything. IMy only problem is the communication thing which to me is the most important. He has never really gone out of his way to develop a relationship with my kids but does get along with them.
 
March 13, 2009, 12:43 pm CDT

what to do?

hello everybody

i want to introduce myself im a mother from 19 jears old my duchter is 13 months old

i'm from the netherlands sorrie for my bad englisch and i living together with my boyfriend whe have a relationship now for over 5 jears with breaking up en making up whe fighting almost everyday he's very jalous and i don't know why somethimes when he gets mad he start jelling en hitting me and 15 minutes later he's sweet this is now goining on for more dan 5 jears i don't know what to do anymore i can't take it anymore something i want to take my child and go a way but then he's going really mad i'm scared from him somethimes but trough that i still love him but my consurn is my child this is not good i think i gif im a ultimatem  its sad that the dr phill show so far away is maybe he coult help

 

sorry for my bad englisch

 

greets selina

 
March 16, 2009, 5:32 pm CDT

Remain Independent or Move In?

I have dated my long-distance boyfriend for 3 years now. We have a wonderful relationship and have talked about marriage for some time now. The distance is really only an hour, and we see each other once a week and talk daily.

We have talked about living together for now, to see how things go. While this is something I do want to do, he wants to live with his parents for a few months, of whom he currently lives with, to make sure it's a good choice in case it doesn't work or didn't like his city. I am a 24 year old  student and live with my family to save money, so living with his family doesn't seem as weird as it sounds but I am ready to be on my own.

Because I am a student and wanting to save my money for a house, I have a decent car but I do not trust it for the hour drive. He drives willingly, every week for the last 3 years because of this. To live there I would have to get a newer car, something I am not happy about doing.

He has a job that earns 4 times more than I make. This is the only reason he insists that I move. Truthfully, I could move but I hate to leave my disabled father, change schools and a job I love and is in the field I am studying, etc. to simply see if this could work.

As I mentioned above, I want to buy a house. I have saved since my first job, and am eligible for several tax credits. He doesn't like this idea and recently said, "I hope you don't tell me you've bought a house or that will be the moment we split up." when I was just simply looking.

I do love him and I do see a future with this relationship, but as it stands there is no commitment, no ring, no nothing. He is simply a boyfriend. I have to take care of myself first and foremost. My job, even compared to his, seems more recession-proof which scares me as well.

I guess I would like to see what others would do in my situation. Am I being selfish? How do I handle this?

Thanks for any advice!
 
March 17, 2009, 2:54 am CDT

This is a tough decision ....

Quote From: kelseyforman

I have dated my long-distance boyfriend for 3 years now. We have a wonderful relationship and have talked about marriage for some time now. The distance is really only an hour, and we see each other once a week and talk daily.

We have talked about living together for now, to see how things go. While this is something I do want to do, he wants to live with his parents for a few months, of whom he currently lives with, to make sure it's a good choice in case it doesn't work or didn't like his city. I am a 24 year old  student and live with my family to save money, so living with his family doesn't seem as weird as it sounds but I am ready to be on my own.

Because I am a student and wanting to save my money for a house, I have a decent car but I do not trust it for the hour drive. He drives willingly, every week for the last 3 years because of this. To live there I would have to get a newer car, something I am not happy about doing.

He has a job that earns 4 times more than I make. This is the only reason he insists that I move. Truthfully, I could move but I hate to leave my disabled father, change schools and a job I love and is in the field I am studying, etc. to simply see if this could work.

As I mentioned above, I want to buy a house. I have saved since my first job, and am eligible for several tax credits. He doesn't like this idea and recently said, "I hope you don't tell me you've bought a house or that will be the moment we split up." when I was just simply looking.

I do love him and I do see a future with this relationship, but as it stands there is no commitment, no ring, no nothing. He is simply a boyfriend. I have to take care of myself first and foremost. My job, even compared to his, seems more recession-proof which scares me as well.

I guess I would like to see what others would do in my situation. Am I being selfish? How do I handle this?

Thanks for any advice!

I can only give you my opinion, ok? I don't think, for any other reason, that you should go because if you are the sole supporter in your dads life, then you need to stay for him. He is your first man, right? :) If you have a mom and other siblings then you do not have to feel you will be leaving him high and dry. Also, you must know, that one day, you WILL have to leave your dad if you want to have a life of your own, family, marriage, kids, a home.  But the "just in case it doesn't work" syndrome is not a good enough reason to pick up and leave your home, start buying new cars that you don't want or can't afford, and drop your life.  Anytime I picked up and left a place of residence, it was because "I" wanted to, then there were never regrets. The only time I left a place and regretted it was when I got married and moved in with my now "EX". lol

 

So pay attention to your instincts because whether you know it or not, everything in you is telling you not to do this, but you are questioning it because you are feeling pressured. Tell you wonderful "boyfriend" that altough you love him tremendously and want to be with him and share your lives together, now is not the time to do this and if he breaks it off with you because of this, then you must understand he did not really love you the way a man should love a woman, the way a husband should love his wife. Why is now all of a sudden the time to do this?   Just curious as to why it went on for 3 years and now it is becomming an issue?

 
March 17, 2009, 3:12 am CDT

The thing that really gets me here is this.

Quote From: bradss

 Hello
 I am a 45 year old single parent who has been in a on again off again relationship for 11years. Yes thats right 11 years. I am now I guess you could say living with my partner but still very confused. He started staying withme in our home in december of 2009. We thought we would attempt living together he has not yet changed his address for any mail and it still goes to his sisters house where he has lived for the last 10 years. We lived together 10 years ago it lasted a year. and he moved into his sisters house where he has been ever since. Expenses were brought up recently and he thought he should only pay one quarter of the rent and utilities. I have two teenage boys 18 and 17 years of age who both maintain jobs as well as my 17 year old is still going to school. He has two daughters 21 and 27 of which the 27 year old is still always bailed out by him finacially. He reallly has very little conversation with my sons they can walk in and not even speak. Where I think he should be initiating conversation with them eg. How was your day at school ect. That has always been an issue for me am I expecting to much? He has been this way since I have been with him and this is what makes me have second thoughts about wheather or not to continue having a relationship with him. He is a very quiet man who does really not say much very calm really avoids any arguement and just goes along with eveything. IMy only problem is the communication thing which to me is the most important. He has never really gone out of his way to develop a relationship with my kids but does get along with them.

I am also a woman, with a high level of intelligence, determination and people come to me when they need advice or to be listened to. Yet, when it comes to me and making my own decisions, I never, or hardly ever, trust my advice that I would give exactly to someone else! Now why do you think that is? Because, you are an intelligent, loving, mother of two, raised them to what sounds like pretty independant and you have a stable household where there is open communication and acceptance and unconditional love. Now, why do you question what you have done so far ?????

 

You are right on the mark and I hope you can open  your eyes and pull your heart out of your butt (sorry but true) my heart has been up mine too.......lol......and see that he is selfish, non communicative, closed down, not a good parent, sorry, but some people should not be parents, but he is so now he is stuck and doing the best he could.....but don't think he is going to parent your kids. If he doesn't talk to them now, he won't......sheesh...he doesn't even care about his own. Outside of financially pulling them out, unfortunately this is all is emotionally capable of giving. 

 

He probably had a neglectful dad and abusive mom, or dysfunctional one and he learned it is better to remain silent then create a disturbance. The probably worked very well when he was 5, but now??? How's it working for ya????? He needs to stop being passive aggressive, seeminly not creating disturbance by his quiet, but creating much disturbance by it! Does that make sense? He is not quiet in a good way,,,its not good to be quiet when there are other people around...There is a time and place for everything and he seems to want it his way. All the time.

 

Will you be willing to bet you will become like his mother? Take care of him, make sure he has his meals, clean clothes, when he's sick pamper him???? When you are sick, hungry and wearing dirty clothes because you were too tired from running your life and your childrens, will he be able to pull his "HEAD" out of his butt long enough to make sure your boys are ok, run the house for a day or two, etc, etc, etc?????  You are looking at a long life with a spoiled brat but the only problem with that is, he is the only one that is spoiling him...he is in his own little world of 5. He needs help. Sorry.

 
March 18, 2009, 2:53 pm CDT

is this the end?

my boyfriend and i have been living together for 2 1/2 years now. we met online and moved in together after 6 months. at the beginning, things were great, until he stopped working. for almost 2 years he did not work more than a month here and a month there. i was so fed up. our relationship was horrible. about a year ago i found out he was talking to other women online while i was at work. i wanted to dump him so bad, but he begged me for another chance. i have SERIOUS trust issues from the past, and now i just dont trust or believe him at all. i've been trying to get past it because he didnt do anything physical, only emotional. i felt so betrayed and deceived by him though. Now, its over a year later and i am having serious, serious trust issues. of course he is working now, and everything with his job makes me jealous. the girls he works with, everyone. i'm going crazy. He has not done one thing wrong over the past year. i've monitored him like crazy and cant ever find anything. of course i just think he's really good at lying, but I could be totaly wrong. heres the thing, if i am right, i want him out of my life for good. if i am wrong though, i would love to be with him forever. I cant seem to trust or believe a word he says right now. i question everything he does, repeatedly and i am usually made to look lke a fool for accusing him of stuff he didnt do, but what if he is doing something....   can anyone help me? i'm at the point where i would rather die than continue dealing with things the way they are.
 
March 19, 2009, 3:03 am CDT

Everyone should be entitled to "f" up.

Quote From: clee1204

my boyfriend and i have been living together for 2 1/2 years now. we met online and moved in together after 6 months. at the beginning, things were great, until he stopped working. for almost 2 years he did not work more than a month here and a month there. i was so fed up. our relationship was horrible. about a year ago i found out he was talking to other women online while i was at work. i wanted to dump him so bad, but he begged me for another chance. i have SERIOUS trust issues from the past, and now i just dont trust or believe him at all. i've been trying to get past it because he didnt do anything physical, only emotional. i felt so betrayed and deceived by him though. Now, its over a year later and i am having serious, serious trust issues. of course he is working now, and everything with his job makes me jealous. the girls he works with, everyone. i'm going crazy. He has not done one thing wrong over the past year. i've monitored him like crazy and cant ever find anything. of course i just think he's really good at lying, but I could be totaly wrong. heres the thing, if i am right, i want him out of my life for good. if i am wrong though, i would love to be with him forever. I cant seem to trust or believe a word he says right now. i question everything he does, repeatedly and i am usually made to look lke a fool for accusing him of stuff he didnt do, but what if he is doing something....   can anyone help me? i'm at the point where i would rather die than continue dealing with things the way they are.

He f'ed up and it is very possible that he has changed. But when we are traumatized by someone's actions, lies, betrayals, it takes time to recover. It is like PTSD, but it is an emotional trauma and only time can remove the knee jerk reaction that was caused by the trauma.  I am sure you were like this before you met him and you picked someone that would eventually prove you right......when you believe people can't be trusted, that is what you will attract, untrustworthy people. So what you need to focus on is honesty in YOUR life. The only control we have, and we have little control even in our lives, but we can try our best to be the best person we can and if trust is an issue with you, then continue to work on becominng trustworthy yourself.

 

I believe when we fear someone is not being sincere with us, its because we are not being sincere on some level...paranoia at its best and this will sabotage all our relationships.

 

My advice to you would be this:  Let life play itself out without your controlling it.  Don't accuse him, don't project anything that he may be doing as wrong, just let it ride and watch. Don't say anything. Listen to what your body is telling you and pay attention if the feeling is similar to how you may have felt when you were younger or possibly this is triggering some fears from your past? When we don't what to do, do nothing. When we don't know what to say, say nothing....and observe.  The truth will eventually emerge without our driving it into a ditch. Good luck.

 
April 22, 2009, 12:16 pm CDT

In A Relationship and Living Together

I'm in a relationship and living with the guy.  I'm a 45 yr old mother of 4 and grandmother of 5.  I had my own home and was doing quite well financially.  I wasn't rich but I was making it.  I had come from a bad marriage of 12 yrs and slowly rebuilt up my credit to having my home, a car and living my life.  Then at the end of 2007 I lost my job and financially everything went down hill.  I lost my car due to repossession and am in the process of a chapter 7 bankruptcy and am living with my b/f.  But I don't feel comfortable here most of the time.  He is divorced also with 3 kids.  I still haven't been able to clear out my home and what little bit of things I have brought with me like pictures, I can't hang up and he hasn't made me feel as if I can.  It took me 3 months to finally get him to let me bring my refrigorator over , because mine works right, nothing is broken on it.  And I also feel uncomfortable not having an income to help contribute to the living expenses.  I still receive a little bit of child support which is about to run out because my youngest has turned 18 and will be graduating soon.  So I can help buy groceries, which feeds just the 2 of us during the week and his son every weeekend and girls every other weekend.  And I keep the home cleaned, laundry done and meals cooked and help take care of his 9 yr old daughters every other weekend when he has them.  He lives is  a nice double wide trailer on his parents property and I feel he lets them run his life to much.  I had a beautiful husky that I wanted to bring over here and his parents said no, because they think that type of dog is dangerous, but he was also told we could do whatever we wanted, the dog ended up having to go to one of my daughters' homes after she nearly starved to death because I could only get him to take me over to feed her at my home maybe once a week if I was lucky.  I love him but don't like the fact that he has to run things by them first. Or the fact that he hides things from them or lies to them.  Right now I am desperate for work and without my own vehicle I can't even got out to look, so that maybe I could help out here or save up the money and buy a car and get back out on my own.  I don't know if I should stay where I am or take a friend up on her offer to move back to Ohio and stay with her and her fiancee while I look for work and get the money saved back up for a car and get my own place.  HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Your advice would be extremely helpful in my making a decision.
 
May 19, 2009, 12:32 pm CDT

Living Together

Quote From: brown6221

I'm in a relationship and living with the guy.  I'm a 45 yr old mother of 4 and grandmother of 5.  I had my own home and was doing quite well financially.  I wasn't rich but I was making it.  I had come from a bad marriage of 12 yrs and slowly rebuilt up my credit to having my home, a car and living my life.  Then at the end of 2007 I lost my job and financially everything went down hill.  I lost my car due to repossession and am in the process of a chapter 7 bankruptcy and am living with my b/f.  But I don't feel comfortable here most of the time.  He is divorced also with 3 kids.  I still haven't been able to clear out my home and what little bit of things I have brought with me like pictures, I can't hang up and he hasn't made me feel as if I can.  It took me 3 months to finally get him to let me bring my refrigorator over , because mine works right, nothing is broken on it.  And I also feel uncomfortable not having an income to help contribute to the living expenses.  I still receive a little bit of child support which is about to run out because my youngest has turned 18 and will be graduating soon.  So I can help buy groceries, which feeds just the 2 of us during the week and his son every weeekend and girls every other weekend.  And I keep the home cleaned, laundry done and meals cooked and help take care of his 9 yr old daughters every other weekend when he has them.  He lives is  a nice double wide trailer on his parents property and I feel he lets them run his life to much.  I had a beautiful husky that I wanted to bring over here and his parents said no, because they think that type of dog is dangerous, but he was also told we could do whatever we wanted, the dog ended up having to go to one of my daughters' homes after she nearly starved to death because I could only get him to take me over to feed her at my home maybe once a week if I was lucky.  I love him but don't like the fact that he has to run things by them first. Or the fact that he hides things from them or lies to them.  Right now I am desperate for work and without my own vehicle I can't even got out to look, so that maybe I could help out here or save up the money and buy a car and get back out on my own.  I don't know if I should stay where I am or take a friend up on her offer to move back to Ohio and stay with her and her fiancee while I look for work and get the money saved back up for a car and get my own place.  HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Your advice would be extremely helpful in my making a decision.
Maybe  b/c I'm on the outside  reading in, so to speak....but the answer seems perfectly clear to me when viewing this man's "resume". While I'm sure you can speak of some positives about this man, the negatives far outweigh. And I don't have to know what the positives might be to make that call. What I don't quite understand is your willingness to exist in a relationship that is "less than". You're obviously unhappy or you wouldn't be posting here. Maybe you're hoping things will change? It's not likely. What you see is what you get. Someone once told me "if you keep doing what you've been doing, you'll keep getting what you've been getting". That has become my mantra of sorts. If I don't like things, *I* am the only one that can change them. I can't change someone else, only MYSELF. Same with all of us.
If you don't like this situation, you are the only one who can do anything about it. Don't let fear of the unknown stop you from having and being all that you can be!! Life CAN be good.
If you have a good friend who cares enough about you to let you move in with her and her fiancee so that you can get back on your feet...please take her up on it!! Don't let fear dictate your life. Jump out there with both hands and feet (and a little  help from our friends) and make the kind of life you want for yourself. A life that doesn't involve a grown man deferring to his parents. A life that YOU live for you. Life can be sweet, life can be wonderful. But it's up to YOU to make it that way. Good luck to you, I wish you all the best.....
 
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