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Topic : Living Together

Number of Replies: 1608
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:07:28 pm
Author : dataimport
Cohabitation is sometimes a smart (and economical!) way to learn about your compatibilities before taking the plunge. How is living together working for you?

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May 20, 2009, 1:48 pm CDT

am I crazy?

i am a 53 yr. old woman with 5 grankids. i lived with a guy for 6 yrs. that i love very much. too make a long story short he wasn't real good about bill paying when he was younger and we could not afford the house we were living in, so i ended up moving to kansasin with my son and daughter in law. i now have my own apartment and i  live on disability. my problem is i would marry this man in a new york minute, but he cannot afford to file  for divorce and he has been not with her for8 years. am i crazy to keep hanging on and hoping? and yyes he did ask me to marry him about 5 yrs ago.
 
May 27, 2009, 1:41 pm CDT

He lives with me and my children

I've been with this man off and on for four (4) years.  At the beginning we had many things in common such as still married but both started divorce papers.  But I'm the one that completed my divorce and he's still married.  I don't like it for the fact that I feel that I am NOT the one he really wants to be with like he says he does.  To do this day he still is married and even though the paperwork has been started there is NO follow though on his part.  I really don't  believe he is really ready to leave his wife.  I've caught him stealing from me (money from my purse and my son told me he saw him still from his piggy bank too).  This also does not sit well with me due to the fact that I have four children, three of which are teenagers and one that wants to be.  What I mean by this is that I am showing them that its okay to see/date a person who is married and its okay.  I know I must end this relationship so that he can figure out what he really wants for himself and leave me and my kids out of this decision.  He has not been able to financially support us and when we do break up and he goes back to his home where his wife still lives, it seems to get work immediately (just an observation).  So I guess I've hit rock bottom with this relationship once and for all and I do know that he must move out once and for all.  And pick up the pieces with my children and get on the right trail to be a better mother and role model for them before they pick up this awfull emotional/physical roller coaster ride.  This has not been a healthy relationship and I do not want my kids to experience this at all.  Thank you for allowing me to vent and post my message.  Just need the courage to tell him he must move out and explain to him the reasons why.  I need strength!
 
May 30, 2009, 2:21 pm CDT

i dont know....

i've been with my guy for 1 1/2 years.  we got pregnant as soon as we got together and now have a 4 month old daughter together on top  of my other two kids.  he says he loves me and all that, but he wont work. i leave and go to work every day and he stays home with the baby and the kids. he feels as though once i get off, its my turn with the kids and time for him to go out!! but i'm tired from working all day.  then on top of that, he calls me bitches and hoes when i dont do something he asked to make it convenient for him before leaving for work like fixing a bottle and sitting it by the bed so he doesnt have to get up.  how can you say you love me, well us, but you wont man up and get a job to help out.  my family wont help me because i'm with a dead beat and hes not a good enough back bone so i can say "ok well i dont need them" when i really do because he does nothing for me.  the only thing he does that benefits me is babysits because if he leaves i dont know who will and daycare is too expensive.  i know hes not good for me , but i love him so much and i dont know why!!! i think he loves me and cares, but not like i do him.  then when he gets mad and wants to leave, in my mind i know its best he does, but i stop him anyway. what am i holding on to?? i dont know.... any advice???
 
May 31, 2009, 3:18 am CDT

You must be "crazy". lol

Quote From: lostinlove54

i am a 53 yr. old woman with 5 grankids. i lived with a guy for 6 yrs. that i love very much. too make a long story short he wasn't real good about bill paying when he was younger and we could not afford the house we were living in, so i ended up moving to kansasin with my son and daughter in law. i now have my own apartment and i  live on disability. my problem is i would marry this man in a new york minute, but he cannot afford to file  for divorce and he has been not with her for8 years. am i crazy to keep hanging on and hoping? and yyes he did ask me to marry him about 5 yrs ago.

Lady, you got to get your head out of your heart. Question this:  If he is not legally divorced, how can he even ask someone to marry him?    If he cannot afford a divorce, there is such a thing as default divorce and if lawyers are not needed, he can file, for free, on his own (with minimal court fees). If he cannot afford a divorce, how can he afford to be married?  If he was bad at paying bills when you lived together, unless he has made radical steps to improve on his ways, he will contiue to be bad at paying bills. Do you really need to have another child so bad, that you will marry him?  And I mean, he, is the child. Why do you feel  a need to put yourself in a situation that will more then likely create disturbance and problems for you? As it is, you are 53 and barely making it in an apartment on disability. Why do you need another mouth to feed?

 

I don't think we should look to others to support us, but we also should not look for people that will need us to support them. Especially at this age. By now, we are either riding the tide or struggling not to drown. Good luck and remember, if you have these questions circulating in your head, listen to them or else you will have much more problems then this, certainly. Kimi

 
May 31, 2009, 8:36 pm CDT

Had enough

I have been with my boyfriend for almost 6 years, on and off, the last 2 years consistently. We just recently moved in together about 3 months ago. It was awesome at first, but now I am going crazy. We just recently got engaged about 2 months ago as well. We used to deal with problems of trust and honestly, but thankfully am past all of that. However, we've moved on to bigger problems. Living together in general. We are both almost 23, and doing pretty well for ourselves. He gets mad and says I try to act like his mother when I'm telling him to calm down because, for example, our puppy ripped the screen door, or the remote is not working and he throws it across the room. Then, he gets mad when I'm telling him to calm down and because he's mad, he tells me to "shut the.. up" and "get the.. out of here and leave me alone". I used to have a big problem with the same thing when I got mad at him, but have gotten so much better at calming my own temper. But when I tell him that I'm not going to the let him talk to me like that.. he brings up how he can remember when I used to say the same things and so on. I grew up listening to my parents go through the same thing, and I just do not want to end up miserable every day of my life being talked to like a piece of trash. What do I do/say?
 
June 1, 2009, 2:06 pm CDT

Its the on off that concerns me.

Quote From: lhansen8

I have been with my boyfriend for almost 6 years, on and off, the last 2 years consistently. We just recently moved in together about 3 months ago. It was awesome at first, but now I am going crazy. We just recently got engaged about 2 months ago as well. We used to deal with problems of trust and honestly, but thankfully am past all of that. However, we've moved on to bigger problems. Living together in general. We are both almost 23, and doing pretty well for ourselves. He gets mad and says I try to act like his mother when I'm telling him to calm down because, for example, our puppy ripped the screen door, or the remote is not working and he throws it across the room. Then, he gets mad when I'm telling him to calm down and because he's mad, he tells me to "shut the.. up" and "get the.. out of here and leave me alone". I used to have a big problem with the same thing when I got mad at him, but have gotten so much better at calming my own temper. But when I tell him that I'm not going to the let him talk to me like that.. he brings up how he can remember when I used to say the same things and so on. I grew up listening to my parents go through the same thing, and I just do not want to end up miserable every day of my life being talked to like a piece of trash. What do I do/say?
But then again, at 23 this is normal. :)

What concerns me is that you both had/have tempers (meaning you do not know how to communicate to each other) so it comes out as a defense. This is very typical and many, many adults do not know how to communicate either....so its not strictly an age thing, ok?

When we get frustrated, it is ok to vent and say things that may  not be so nice....eventually the love outweighs the annoyances and instead of getting frustrated at each other, the frustration is placed where it belongs....on the broken screen door, or the broken remote. In a good relationship, when a dog breaks a screen or a remote goes south, the couple figures out a way to pay for a new one - it is not any of your fault that these things happened, and even if it was, it was an accident and no one should be reprimmanded for mistakes that happen daily.

Any time a man accused me of being like his mom????? That ALWAYS meant that he has issues with his mom. Obviously you are not his mom.....but he is taking out his anger for his mom on you. Men do this a lot to the women they love. They can't tell mom how they really feel, so they take it out on their women.!!!!  Back to the fighting. Verbal words can hurt, but for the most part, they can be undone with explanantion and apology. Physical displays of anger, throwing things, is not workable. The next time it may be something you cherish, or something you gave him, or something of value to you......hey, he may even throw something and it may hit you!!!! Not on purpose but try explaining that one to the doctors when you go to the hospital with an injury that he created. No physical displays of anger are allowed, EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know you love each other.....I know you really want this to work.....but you are repeating what you experienced as a young girl, you attracted exactly what you are used to, and you will end up being miserable and feel like a piece of trash.....the only difference is.....you won't end up there.......you are there already.

Think very hard about this:  The only person we have control over is ourselves. No amount of love, understanding, compassion, sex, is going to make someone love us the way we want to or the way we deserve. Give up thinking you can change this and consider it a blessing from the universe showing you you very well may have made a very big mistake in choosing him. Its ok, we all make mistakes. Good luck and if you have any questions, please ask. Kimi
 
June 26, 2009, 7:13 am CDT

Living Together

Quote From: windy66

i understand it's hard... but think of it as avoiding a huge mistake....if you get married to someone who lacks the qualities you are looking for and won't be able to give you the life you want, you will be miserable.  If the money is tight, you may develop feelings of resentment towards him which will affect your relationship as a whole.  you are actually in a GREAT position right now.  you aren't engaged or married, and you didn't mention any kids... and you know what you want and what you don't want.   i wish i was that lucky at your age!  if you need help making the decision to move on, i would suggest finding a good therapist.  i know that helped me a lot.  that and some really good friends who were there to give me alot of emotional support.    wendy. 

This goes out o you wendy, It sounds as though you have been threw this before.

 

I'm 39yrs old and the guy I'm with is 26. We have alot in common and I believe thats what stared this

relatioship i the first place. I saw something many didn't. i saw someone I could help. for i kind of went thew

the same kind of crap myself in my past relationship. Alot of put downs and some controll issues. after 14 yrs of that I desided to hang it up the fighting from the past was killing me. I became lost and confussed and not noticed for all the good that I did or was. I fell in love with this person after becoming friends and found alot that I saw in myself in him. As i said he's 26 and he's full of energy never a dull moment.

When we first got together he would tell me he had no heart and I delt with that and then after awhile it started to feel as though I was putting all the effort into what was called a relatioship to him. I finally said enough is enough and desided to leave him. The day I was leaveing  was sent flowers and was aked to stay.

So Guess what? I stayed because my heart got the best of me feeling the pain I might be causeing him.

Again placing My own feeling aside. Crazy right?

Well being with him I can tell you that  he's in Constrution, the job requires good weaher! Come winter time

Work is hard to find. I have mentioned that he should find anoher job.. He's told me that the money is good for what he does and don't get me wrong it is for when there is work every day of the week But there's thoughts days where theres no pay because of weather... I'm still working everyday and I't frustrating

for when he doesn't. Bills get behind and I'm the kind of person that wants bills paid and I'm sick and tired of worrying. He's always telling me there's no need to worry, he always finds away to get the money. In the mean while I lose sleep, I become someone I don't even know. I love the guy and I wish I had answers..

for i wouldn't be typing!! My friend are there for me thank god for them!!!!

I can't stand his family they live off of drama and Lies... He's not like his family and really doesn't get along with them for the most part. But Likes to spend time with his Father andI would never consider becoming between them. As far as his Mother that woman breaths drama.

My Family where preatty tight and we really do love each other. There's a diffrents.

AnywayI'm getting off track here .

I recently had a conversation with my boy friend about finding another job One where he's on the books and is garenteed weekly pay! His reply was you knew the line of work I was in for when you met me and this is what I'm doing.. But the thing is I don't feel sucure at my age and i'm not getting any younger and this I have mentioned many of times. We fight about the bills, I fight over the facts that there is no emotional support from him.. He claims that he doesn't get emotional over this kind of stuff. I cried myself to sleep on many of occations ..... He say I worry over nothing, He says WHY can't you just be happy and relax??

I want to relax but it's so hard!! There are days I feel confusseed in more ways then one. When I look at him

I think to myself ( yes he try's ) but the absents of emotional feel aint there, the absents of Kissing ain't there. When I do get kissed I feel as though I being kissed by a Bird!! (You know the quick peck ) like s if he just kissed his grandmother? He tells me he loves me ad has told me Im a great person. But lately I haven't heard such wordsbecaus we have been fighting. Now I just got word he needs a few beers at the end of te day so he can put up with me! As if that don't hurt!!!

I've bitched for the days he doen't work !! I've bitched that the bills don't get paid, Ive bitched that I love effection and he claims that he's not that kind of person. He hangs with his friends the days off when maybe he sould be looking for another job. Now I'm the Bitch.. We have been nagging at each other over thing like who does what and who doesn't enough.. Again I look at him and hope for  change and when he asked what I'm staring at I just want to cry.. Please help me !!! Need advice   sincerly Moe

 

 
June 26, 2009, 7:21 am CDT

Living Together

Quote From: bgirlfever

This goes out o you wendy, It sounds as though you have been threw this before.

 

I'm 39yrs old and the guy I'm with is 26. We have alot in common and I believe thats what stared this

relatioship i the first place. I saw something many didn't. i saw someone I could help. for i kind of went thew

the same kind of crap myself in my past relationship. Alot of put downs and some controll issues. after 14 yrs of that I desided to hang it up the fighting from the past was killing me. I became lost and confussed and not noticed for all the good that I did or was. I fell in love with this person after becoming friends and found alot that I saw in myself in him. As i said he's 26 and he's full of energy never a dull moment.

When we first got together he would tell me he had no heart and I delt with that and then after awhile it started to feel as though I was putting all the effort into what was called a relatioship to him. I finally said enough is enough and desided to leave him. The day I was leaveing  was sent flowers and was aked to stay.

So Guess what? I stayed because my heart got the best of me feeling the pain I might be causeing him.

Again placing My own feeling aside. Crazy right?

Well being with him I can tell you that  he's in Constrution, the job requires good weaher! Come winter time

Work is hard to find. I have mentioned that he should find anoher job.. He's told me that the money is good for what he does and don't get me wrong it is for when there is work every day of the week But there's thoughts days where theres no pay because of weather... I'm still working everyday and I't frustrating

for when he doesn't. Bills get behind and I'm the kind of person that wants bills paid and I'm sick and tired of worrying. He's always telling me there's no need to worry, he always finds away to get the money. In the mean while I lose sleep, I become someone I don't even know. I love the guy and I wish I had answers..

for i wouldn't be typing!! My friend are there for me thank god for them!!!!

I can't stand his family they live off of drama and Lies... He's not like his family and really doesn't get along with them for the most part. But Likes to spend time with his Father andI would never consider becoming between them. As far as his Mother that woman breaths drama.

My Family where preatty tight and we really do love each other. There's a diffrents.

AnywayI'm getting off track here .

I recently had a conversation with my boy friend about finding another job One where he's on the books and is garenteed weekly pay! His reply was you knew the line of work I was in for when you met me and this is what I'm doing.. But the thing is I don't feel sucure at my age and i'm not getting any younger and this I have mentioned many of times. We fight about the bills, I fight over the facts that there is no emotional support from him.. He claims that he doesn't get emotional over this kind of stuff. I cried myself to sleep on many of occations ..... He say I worry over nothing, He says WHY can't you just be happy and relax??

I want to relax but it's so hard!! There are days I feel confusseed in more ways then one. When I look at him

I think to myself ( yes he try's ) but the absents of emotional feel aint there, the absents of Kissing ain't there. When I do get kissed I feel as though I being kissed by a Bird!! (You know the quick peck ) like s if he just kissed his grandmother? He tells me he loves me ad has told me Im a great person. But lately I haven't heard such wordsbecaus we have been fighting. Now I just got word he needs a few beers at the end of te day so he can put up with me! As if that don't hurt!!!

I've bitched for the days he doen't work !! I've bitched that the bills don't get paid, Ive bitched that I love effection and he claims that he's not that kind of person. He hangs with his friends the days off when maybe he sould be looking for another job. Now I'm the Bitch.. We have been nagging at each other over thing like who does what and who doesn't enough.. Again I look at him and hope for  change and when he asked what I'm staring at I just want to cry.. Please help me !!! Need advice   sincerly Moe

 

Ps. would like to mention also where I left off my boyfriend has no license
 
July 5, 2009, 12:01 pm CDT

HOW TO KNOW WHEN TIMES RIGHT TO LIVE TOGETHER?!

I wanted to know if any of you guys know when you are ready to move in with someone you love. How do you know when time is ready to move im with each other?
 
July 6, 2009, 4:02 am CDT

I would say.

Quote From: katelyn279

I wanted to know if any of you guys know when you are ready to move in with someone you love. How do you know when time is ready to move im with each other?

If you have known each other at least a year and both have jobs and have discussed finances, household responsibilities, boundaries, then you are ready. Once both pareites hve an understanding and acceptance of this lifestyle, once both parties have experienced what it is like for each other to feel comfortable when they come home from work, then it will be easier to play with eachother then try to adjust and make all the compromises "after" you have moved in together, only to find not enough time to be able to understand the uniqueness of each individual. 

 

Then, you kep your fingers crossed and keep an open line of communication so neither one feels like they made a very big mistake.  I hope this helped.

 
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