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Topic : Living Together

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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:07:28 pm
Author : dataimport
Cohabitation is sometimes a smart (and economical!) way to learn about your compatibilities before taking the plunge. How is living together working for you?

 
lori80
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October 5, 2005, 8:16 pm PDT

Seeking Advice

Hello Everyone!  I've just signed up today in hopes of seeking some advice.  I am a 25 year old female living with a 24 year old male.  I've been with this person for over 8 years now (since I was 16 years old).  We have a 14 month old son now and this is why I am seeking advice.  I'll try and make a long story short.  Recenlty, I have asked my boyfriend to stop smoking marijuana for the sake of being more family productive.  Since I've asked him to stop moking marijuana, he has actually made a positive progress (attending GED classes Monday through Friday and obtaining a full-time job).  However, I know he has continued to smoke marijuana outside of home and has done many things to hide his use.  I have confronted him on several occasions and he has continued to deny his marijuana use.  I am currently a Masters of Social Work student and feel that I should have more control of this situation.  I am concerned for my son's father and would like my son to have a positive role model in life.  I know and admit that I have not made a strong effort to confront this issue and I realize that I need to start somewhere and to so soon!  If I were to ask my boyfriend to leave, he would have no place to go. Please give me any advice and suggestions on how i can handle this issue?    
 
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lcnekw
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October 5, 2005, 10:58 pm PDT

Living Together

Quote From: lori80

Hello Everyone!  I've just signed up today in hopes of seeking some advice.  I am a 25 year old female living with a 24 year old male.  I've been with this person for over 8 years now (since I was 16 years old).  We have a 14 month old son now and this is why I am seeking advice.  I'll try and make a long story short.  Recenlty, I have asked my boyfriend to stop smoking marijuana for the sake of being more family productive.  Since I've asked him to stop moking marijuana, he has actually made a positive progress (attending GED classes Monday through Friday and obtaining a full-time job).  However, I know he has continued to smoke marijuana outside of home and has done many things to hide his use.  I have confronted him on several occasions and he has continued to deny his marijuana use.  I am currently a Masters of Social Work student and feel that I should have more control of this situation.  I am concerned for my son's father and would like my son to have a positive role model in life.  I know and admit that I have not made a strong effort to confront this issue and I realize that I need to start somewhere and to so soon!  If I were to ask my boyfriend to leave, he would have no place to go. Please give me any advice and suggestions on how i can handle this issue?    
I too just signed up for some advice and trust me it helps. I also had a drug problem and people in my life wanted me to quit. I can tell you though nagging or hassling him about it is not going to help. The best thing to do is talk to him. Honestly tell him everything you said in your letter. Tell him how it is more for your son than anything. Ask if this is the life he would want his son to live? Try to get through to him without putting him down or making him feel bad about it. Compliment him and tell him you are proud that he is putting the effort in but let him know you are not so naive as to believe that he is completely drug free. Help him as much as possible with the help that he needs and more than anything just be there for him to talk to, don't push him away because of his problem, and remember it is a problem, I am sure that if he is trying to quit he does not want to do it. Good luck!
 
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lori80
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October 6, 2005, 1:28 pm PDT

Living Together

Quote From: lcnekw

I too just signed up for some advice and trust me it helps. I also had a drug problem and people in my life wanted me to quit. I can tell you though nagging or hassling him about it is not going to help. The best thing to do is talk to him. Honestly tell him everything you said in your letter. Tell him how it is more for your son than anything. Ask if this is the life he would want his son to live? Try to get through to him without putting him down or making him feel bad about it. Compliment him and tell him you are proud that he is putting the effort in but let him know you are not so naive as to believe that he is completely drug free. Help him as much as possible with the help that he needs and more than anything just be there for him to talk to, don't push him away because of his problem, and remember it is a problem, I am sure that if he is trying to quit he does not want to do it. Good luck!

Thanks for your suggestions.  You know I've tried all the things you've mentioned and I feel like I don't get anywhere, this is why I feel I should kick him out.  I've been there for him in the past and I feel I've been putting my all into it and he doesn't bother to meet me half way.  I've expressed how he has the strength to quit and that he can do anything, as long as he wants it to happen.  It irrates me when he comes home from evening GED classes and his eyes are red and I question him about it and he says, "My eyes are red because I'm tire."  Same excuse all the time. And now, to get of the marijuana smell he smokes a cigarrette before coming home so he can disguise the small.  This guy never used to smoke cigarrettes on a daily basis and now he does coincidently.  I just feel like I'm at the end of the rope and I'm just hanging on...why?  I don know.   
 
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ken3471
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October 6, 2005, 7:20 pm PDT

im living with somebody

my name is kenny and i have living with a person and im in a wheelchair  she very normail with her own handicaps besides were  mix couple im black and she white and we get looked at everywhere we go and we dont mind it just at times we upset by this and when get home my girilfrined just cry her eyes out we been living together now for 9 years and were happy just wish people understand that we might be disable but there nothing wnorg with us
 
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amyjo80192

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October 8, 2005, 10:49 pm PDT

too soft hearted to be happy

Hi, My 2 children and I have been living with my boyfriend and his two children for 6 years.  I could go on and on but I will get straight to the point.  He, my boyfriend, is a jealous control freak. He has folllowed me to and from work. Even went so far as to quit his job to follow me around because he thought that I was cheating. A job of 14 years, to which he was rehired.  I have went so far as to pack my things only to be guilted into staying.  I cannot seem to get out without feeling bad.  I am afraid of hurting my or his children in the process.  I know that I should get out,  but how do I get past the guilt???
 
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courmoor4
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October 12, 2005, 6:32 pm PDT

What to do?

Me and my boyfriend have been dating for almost 5 years this November and we are having some problems with this relationship. About 4 years ago we had a baby (now 2 years old) and we talked about getting married. I am the most honest person that he knows and lately he can't trust me or anything that I do. I recently quit my job, where he worked because things were getting out of hand. I know that he has security problems but sometimes it gets rediculous. I love him so much and sometimes I can't live with myself because we live together and aren't married. Then just recently he told me he didn't know if he wanted to marry me or not because marriage is a long term commitment and it's something that shouldn't be rushed. He has also told me that he has had dreams of me and another man being intimate, sometimes the man being his brother. He is starting to ask me all of the time if I am cheating on him. I give him no reason to wonder if I am or not. Now that I am not working, I stay at home with the baby. We even live behind his grandmother. I thought that we would work through our problems because I think that we are excellent at communication. I don't know what the problem is. I stay stressed out because my reasons for moving in together were in hopes of one day becoming his wife. Our life was planned up for at least the next few years. Can someone please help me to decipher what all of this means?
 
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scottik
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October 12, 2005, 8:48 pm PDT

the

About two months ago I moved in with a man I've been dating for a little over two years. Before we dated, we had been friends for three years, so there was already quite a bit of respect when the relationship progressed.   I knew going in that he had not had a girlfriend since high school, had never planned on having one again, and had never told a girl he loved her (We are now 24).  After all this time together, he still has not say the forbidden "l" word to me, and I'm beginning to worry that maybe it's not a matter of being afraid to do "adult things" (he still has issues about growing up), but maybe he just doesn't care about me the way I suspected.  If this is the case I will be heartbroken, but I would rather find out now and be able to go on with my life.  Any insight?
 
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amyjo80192

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October 13, 2005, 7:04 pm PDT

trust?

Quote From: courmoor4

Me and my boyfriend have been dating for almost 5 years this November and we are having some problems with this relationship. About 4 years ago we had a baby (now 2 years old) and we talked about getting married. I am the most honest person that he knows and lately he can't trust me or anything that I do. I recently quit my job, where he worked because things were getting out of hand. I know that he has security problems but sometimes it gets rediculous. I love him so much and sometimes I can't live with myself because we live together and aren't married. Then just recently he told me he didn't know if he wanted to marry me or not because marriage is a long term commitment and it's something that shouldn't be rushed. He has also told me that he has had dreams of me and another man being intimate, sometimes the man being his brother. He is starting to ask me all of the time if I am cheating on him. I give him no reason to wonder if I am or not. Now that I am not working, I stay at home with the baby. We even live behind his grandmother. I thought that we would work through our problems because I think that we are excellent at communication. I don't know what the problem is. I stay stressed out because my reasons for moving in together were in hopes of one day becoming his wife. Our life was planned up for at least the next few years. Can someone please help me to decipher what all of this means?

If you are a faithful companion and have given him no reason to distrust you, then you should look to him for the answers.  Do you trust him?  Have you considered that he may be cheating?  In my experience when I was cheated on or my friends were being cheated on, we were the ones getting accused even though we were the ones being cheated on.  Guilt may be what is driving his accusations.  Good luck! I hope everything works out for you. 
 
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qtpsychic
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October 14, 2005, 1:22 pm PDT

Need some serious advice ASAP, thank you.

hi, i am new to this board. i'm currently in a relationship, 1 yr. i am 32 and he is 34, and we live together. we started out as roommates and it grew into a relationship. the relationship is rocky at the moment because my b/f thinks i'm not putting in 110% into the relationship. my previous relationship was hell, and my current b/f knew my ex and about the relationship. my ex treated me like dirt, and yet i continued to give him my all. i did anything for him when i really should not have. my current b/f is upset because i don't treat him like i treated my ex. he thinks my ex got the best of me, and he isn't. i explained to him that ever since childhood i was made to feel small, unworthy, ugly, and my parents never showed me any love. i in turn grew up being drawn to men who would treat me badly because that was all i was accustomed to, and seemed comfortable even though i knew it wasn't right. i also explained to my b/f that when i met him and realized that i finally had a good man in my life it was hard to adjust to that. i wasn't use to being treated with love, kindness, generosity and i sometimes don't know how to react. i told him i want to give him that 110% and the best of me because i know he deserves it. i told him i was going to therapy to learn how to let go of my childhood past and give that 110% in the right manner to him. he then retorted with "so i'm suppose to sit around and wait? maybe i should treat you like your ex did, criticize you, not call you back, cheat on you, and then i'll get the best of you because that is comfortable to you right?" i told him i don't want to be treated like that, and i am working on myself to be a better person and give him what he needs within the relationship. we don't sleep in the same bed and are not intimate often, and he says it's because i don't put in that 110%. i do thing's for my b/f such as clean the house, do dishes, offer to do his laundry, i'm there for him if he needs to talk, i cook him his meals 95% of the time, but if i don't want to do something he asks he seems to get upset. how can i put that 110% effort i gave to my negative relationship w/my ex into my current relationship? my b/f said for me to treat him like i treated my ex and everything will be fine, somehow i don't know. please help, thank you.
 
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celes887
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October 14, 2005, 6:35 pm PDT

Living Together

Hi, along with most of the posters in this topic I would like to ask for some help.. 

  

I have been living with my boyfriend for almost 2 years now, he is 26 I am 20. I have had some what of a rough past, (my father is an alcoholic and left when I was 11, my mother leaving me when i was 14 so that she could be with her boyfriends/and now her husband, and my ex-boyfriend of 4 years being dating my best friend and saying how he never wanted to be with me, he had only wanted her that whole time). 

I know that my boyfriend is a wonderful person, and wouldn't cheat on me, or leave me for someone else, but I am constantly afraid that he will. I almost feel like I am going to cause him to leave me just because I am so afraid of it. 

I am very jealous of his ex-girlfriends, who he still talks to (though he has stopped because he knows it bothers me). He works with almost all women, and I have a hard time trusting the other women. There is one that really bothers me, who after only knowing him for 2 or 3 days was already inviting him up to go dirt-bike riding with her and her family. She is always emailing him and has called him at home a couple of times. She does know about me, and my boyfriend says that she has a boyfriend... but I just don't know what to think. 

I feel like I am always trying to compete with these other women, and that I just don't measure up..... 

  

What should I do to stop most of this? Its almost like the past is trying to control my future, and I just don't want that anymore... 
 
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