Topic : Living Together

You said that you need encouragement to make this relationship work, or the right words to say to encourage him to change- but that advice does not exist. It sounds like your relationship began with a lot of love, and now, it is like a jail/prison sentence for you.

Whether or not he is narcissistic and/or ocd, you deserve so much more than you are getting out of this relationship. When your baby is born, do you want her/him to grow up, always walking on eggshells, trying not to p*ss of dad? You know that this man is comfortable with his misery, and he has the desire for the people around him to also be in misery- this is how your child will live if you stay with him. He isn’t going to change, he has to want to change- and even then, it will take him a very, very long time. It isn’t impossible; it just is so far away- and you are living a life right NOW. Your unborn child is growing right this moment, every second you are closer to giving birth, so if you can’t leave the relationship to retain your own self respect and self worth, then think about your innocent child.

You deserve to have the love and support of family and friends around you. Don’t allow him to take these people away from you! You don’t deserve to feel like you have to walk on egg shells- that is his power over you; and if you think it will get better when the baby is born, you are wrong. It only gets worse, because then, you will have a little person who needs you more than he needs you, and it will enrage him. Please listen to your instincts and go to the safety of your family/friends!

You need to force yourself to get out of the house and do something! Go do something with friends, or just go for a simple walk; taking time out for yourself is so important- no wonder you are depressed. You can’t just sit home and wait for this man to call you with a magical solution to this problem; it isn’t going to happen- it would have happened by now if it was going to! It is time to focus on the only person that you have any control over, and that is you- get involved with activities or a hobby that you enjoy, something that brings you a sense of self worth and/or accomplishment. You will feel so much better about yourself when you do this!

I am in a serious relationship & we have been living together for the past 1 1/4 yrs.  We live as though we are married.  We have no separate accts.  He is in charge of the funds because I like it that way & a better job is done.  However, I'm concerned about what happens if a break up occurs.  Everything is in his name only. If he were to want me to leave I would be penniless & in the streets. 

It is wonderful that you trust him this much, and that you don’t have to worry about the bills not getting paid, etc., however, your other concerns are very valid.

You said that everything is in his name only, is there a reason for that? The first thing you need to do is let him know that you would like to have your account be a joint account, and both of you can go to the bank and add your name onto the account- it only takes a few minutes; its no big deal- and it will make you feel a bit better.

What about your lease or rental agreement? Your name should also be added to that. If your boyfriend has your best interests in mind, he will absolutely understand your concerns. If you are ‘worried’ to mention that you want to do these things, then I urge you to consider what your relationship is based on in the first place. If he has the need to control every aspect of your relationship with no consideration for your best interests, then your relationship is based on his mistrust of you- very unhealthy!

Thank you for responding. I like & agree with your advice however, as usual things aren't as easy as they seem.

The reason everything is in his name is because I have a really crazy ex-husband that for 10 yrs. has made my life a living hell.  He tries to take everything away from me so to protect my assets I did not want them in my name, also he can't find where I live so easily. He has put freezes on my accts. when he finds them. He has given out my SSN along with personal info to whomever & I had my identity stolen through my credit card which was because of him.  He has filed bankruptcy just before our divorce was final so this is on my record for 7 yrs. I can't get a loan, credit card, mortgage, etc. until this is finished.

We live in a hs. which is in my boyfriend's name only because it's his home, I only live here. If I were to put my name on it, it would be an asset that my ex could go after.

I also posted this on the breakup forum, but I would like to post here as well to try to get some help.

I hope I can get some outside opinions about what is going on in my relationship.  Any help would be appreciated.

My boyfriend and I have been together for about 1 1/2 years.  We have been living together for 10 months.  Our relationship has been going well and overall I would call it above average.  We have only had a few major issues.  These issues have been:  him recieving phone calls, text messages, and emails from his ex girlfriend and subsequently lying to me about talking, texting, or emailing her.  The messages that I saw were inappropriate considering he was in a committed relationship with me, such as "I miss you - luv ya" "Thinking about you always" and things of this nature.  He was also on an internet dating website, browsing profiles, and contacting single girls (saying he was single) for the first 4 months of our relationship.  After I found out about both the ex g/f stuff and the online dating thing I freaked out, was very upset, and he promised to stop.  As far as I know he has stopped with the online dating thing but the messages and phone calls continued until at least last May (when we had been together for 11 months).  So needless to say these actions have made trusting him very difficult for me.

Since then the only two things we ever fight about are household chores and the way he speaks to me/treats me.  The chores thing is pretty cut and dry and I do recognize that I contribute to the fighting there.  He is a bonefide clean-freak and I am what I consider normal - I like a clean house, do a major clean up once a week, pick up daily, do dishes and things like that daily, etc.  He considers two dishes in the sink and a magazine on the coffee table "a s#$t hole" and I am not exaggerating at all.  Our apartment is never remotely dirty.  The other fighting topic is he often says things that hurt my feelings but he considers it either 1) just joking or 2) I made him so mad its my fault for the things he says.  An example would be him calling me a name like "dummy" or "chubby"...he says its just a joke but it hurts my feelings.  I get mad at him and tell him that it bothers me and then he just gets mad and says I can't take a joke, and it goes on from there.  In his opinion we only fight about cleaning.  He doesn't even recognize my issue with the way he talks to me.  He says because he drives me to work and spends lots of time with me that he treats me well.  While I appreciate everything he does for me and tell him so on a regular basis I just wish he could consider my feelings before saying and doing things.

This is getting really long so I will try to get to the point.  Yesterday he fell asleep in the spare room and I asked him to come to bed.  I turned on the light and woke him up to come to bed.  He responded by telling me to f-off, get the f out of there, and called me a f-ing retard.  I left in tears and cried myself to sleep.  This morning before work I tried to talk to him about it and he just flipped out saying he can do whatever the f he wants and sleep wherever the f he wants and that he's done playing games (not sure what the heck he meant by that).  After he left he shut his cellphone off so I can't contact him.

Part of me wants to break off the whole thing.  The other part of me thinks about all the good times we have together and how the majority of the time we really enjoy eachothers company.  We value the same things in life, have similar goals for the future, and usually get along well.  I know I'm not perfect and I push his buttons etc. but at least I recognize that.  He refuses to compromise on anything (hence the fights about chores - his way or no way) and refuses to try to see my point of view.  He has told me that all our fights are my fault.  He only thinks about himself and his feelings/needs and rarely considers mine.  I don't understand. 

So what to do?  Is it worth it?  Is there a way to get him to see and at least consider my point of view?  Or is this a big waste of my time and I should just move on??  Since we live together its not as simple as just breaking up.  I would have to find another place to live and financially I don't think I can swing that right now.  Not to mention the fact that christmas is around the corner and I was looking forward to spending it with him.  I love him alot and I thought we had a future.  We are both in our late 20's so I feel like if we aren't headed towards and more healthy relationship I am just wasting my time.

Any insights?