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Topic : Living Together

Number of Replies: 1608
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:07:28 pm
Author : dataimport
Cohabitation is sometimes a smart (and economical!) way to learn about your compatibilities before taking the plunge. How is living together working for you?

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September 21, 2005, 10:58 am CDT

resentment

Quote From: tk0201

My fiancé (as of July 1, 2005) and I have been together for almost four years; he is divorced from a woman who has a daughter from a previous relationship; although their marriage was short lived, he apparently bonded with the child; I recently found out that I had been mislead for quite some time about the amount of contact between the three of them; I had no idea until I saw the cell phone bill copies that there were calls back and forth every day (except weekends) and that the number of calls made ranged anywhere from 3-10 on any given day; when I confronted him about it, I was told that all of this communication was always regarding the child, but I find it hard to understand what there is to call about that many times a day about a (now) eleven year old; the entire time we have been together, the ex-wife has always felt free to call and ask him for money for whatever they needed (birthdays, clothes, holidays, etc.) and the “separate family issue” has been an ongoing battle for me for several years now; last week I told him that, since I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown, that I wanted his communication to be with the child only, that I saw no reason for he and his ex to talk every day; he agreed and told me the next day that it was all handled; keep in mind that he supposedly had the same conversation with her about a year and a half ago; I feel like I have gone above and beyond where all of this is concerned, I’ve never allowed myself to confront her, although I’ve let him know in no uncertain terms exactly the way I feel about both of them; the child acts like a total brat and speaks very disrespectfully to him every time we’ve ever had her for the weekend, and the ex will obviously take every dime she can get; he is a good hearted person, and maybe he doesn’t see how he’s being taken advantage of, or perhaps there are some unresolved issues between them; but the bottom line is that his devotion to them is killing our relationship; I love him, but I don’t feel that I can trust him where they’re concerned and I don’t want to have to check behind him for the rest of my life; I would welcome someone else’s perspective on this…
what in the hell are you waiting for girl. get outta there. they obviously have unresolved issues between them and i wouldnt want to be in that situation if i were you. i wouldnt trust him either. who pays for a child that is not his !!!!! thats just crazy. i think if you do stay youll always question him unless you guys seek some type of counseling to help you deal with this. maybe if he had to explain the situation to someone else he would see how rediculous he sounds and stop it all together. but keep in mind that you cant change him. he has to change the situation for himself if not hell resent you for it.
 
September 29, 2005, 11:26 am CDT

Trust Issues

i was just wanting to see if anyone could give me some advice.  My boyfriend and i have been together for 1 year and are currently living together.  we both talk about getting married and our future together, but we both seem to have trust issues.  we met under weird circumstances where i was finishing up ending a previous relationship, so i can understand why he may question it in the back of his mind.  but for some reason i keep questioning him and hes never done anything.  i get so scared of him getting bored and looking elsewhere and when hes with his friends doing things that he wont tell me about, and i cant seem to let go of it.  hes tired of being questioned all the time for no reason and i dont blame him at all, i would be too.  i just didnt realize how much i did it.  i am just curious if any one else has had this type of situation and how they over came it.  this has been the longest relationship hes been in, so he says that should show me something.  which i understand also, i just dont know how to start to overcome my insecurities and fears so i can stop pushing him away.
 
September 29, 2005, 1:07 pm CDT

same thing here

Quote From: norcal2314

i was just wanting to see if anyone could give me some advice.  My boyfriend and i have been together for 1 year and are currently living together.  we both talk about getting married and our future together, but we both seem to have trust issues.  we met under weird circumstances where i was finishing up ending a previous relationship, so i can understand why he may question it in the back of his mind.  but for some reason i keep questioning him and hes never done anything.  i get so scared of him getting bored and looking elsewhere and when hes with his friends doing things that he wont tell me about, and i cant seem to let go of it.  hes tired of being questioned all the time for no reason and i dont blame him at all, i would be too.  i just didnt realize how much i did it.  i am just curious if any one else has had this type of situation and how they over came it.  this has been the longest relationship hes been in, so he says that should show me something.  which i understand also, i just dont know how to start to overcome my insecurities and fears so i can stop pushing him away.
I too have had the same issues but my fears were from him, he gave them to me.  There were times when I questioned him on things I found and he still denies them.  I told him I need him to always be honest with me and if I choose to be with him, I need to let it go!  I can't sit here always wondering if he is picking up on girls when he is at the bars with his friends, just because his friends do it, doesn't mean he is.  We are on the same cell phone plan and I get the bills.  he wanted to make sure that happened so I would never question him on his calls anymore.  And that did work.  We are together almost 70% at nights and weekends, but he still has time with his friends as well.  And he usually will always invite me or call me a few times while he is out to make me more secure.  You need to realize that you need to let those feelings go at some  point, because who wants to be in a relationship when you have to always worry and he has to worry about how you feel all the time.  He can help you though as well.
 
September 29, 2005, 1:22 pm CDT

Living Together

Quote From: latingirl

I too have had the same issues but my fears were from him, he gave them to me.  There were times when I questioned him on things I found and he still denies them.  I told him I need him to always be honest with me and if I choose to be with him, I need to let it go!  I can't sit here always wondering if he is picking up on girls when he is at the bars with his friends, just because his friends do it, doesn't mean he is.  We are on the same cell phone plan and I get the bills.  he wanted to make sure that happened so I would never question him on his calls anymore.  And that did work.  We are together almost 70% at nights and weekends, but he still has time with his friends as well.  And he usually will always invite me or call me a few times while he is out to make me more secure.  You need to realize that you need to let those feelings go at some  point, because who wants to be in a relationship when you have to always worry and he has to worry about how you feel all the time.  He can help you though as well.
We have the same thing too with the cell phones, it bothers him that i actually look at the numbers though.  he says by now i should know he wants to be with me and thats it, i shouldnt need to look over the numbers if i trust him.  its so much easier to say it than just change the feeling.  hes good too about calling me when he goes out with friends, its just for some reason i always think theres things going on that he wont tell me or something like that.
 
October 4, 2005, 12:22 am CDT

lost in love

My boyfriend and I have been together for two years. We met and moved in with each other only two-three weeks after meeting. At the time I thought it was the right thing, but now I am lost. I had just gotten out of a 5 year relationship with a guy that treated me like crap. He hurt me in ways that I don't know how to get over. What is making me so sad is that I love my boyfriend so much and from the moment I saw him to this second I know that he is the one for me, but I can't get over the pain that my ex put me through. When I feel even remotely like I did back then, I get so upset and angry with my boyfriend. I am 23 and he is 21, I don't know if we are rushing into things, all I know is that I thought I was in love before but this time it was different from the start. I know he cares about me and loves me but I am sabotaging our relationship every time I have a flashback of the pain that I went through. I get so upset and angry with him that I force him to shut down and then that frustrates me even more and makes me feel like I am not important enough to talk to. For everyone who reads this that has some advice good or bad please take the time to help me. I will do anything to save my relationship but I don't have the money to pay a professional. Please help me!!!!!
 
October 4, 2005, 10:34 am CDT

let it go!

Quote From: lcnekw

My boyfriend and I have been together for two years. We met and moved in with each other only two-three weeks after meeting. At the time I thought it was the right thing, but now I am lost. I had just gotten out of a 5 year relationship with a guy that treated me like crap. He hurt me in ways that I don't know how to get over. What is making me so sad is that I love my boyfriend so much and from the moment I saw him to this second I know that he is the one for me, but I can't get over the pain that my ex put me through. When I feel even remotely like I did back then, I get so upset and angry with my boyfriend. I am 23 and he is 21, I don't know if we are rushing into things, all I know is that I thought I was in love before but this time it was different from the start. I know he cares about me and loves me but I am sabotaging our relationship every time I have a flashback of the pain that I went through. I get so upset and angry with him that I force him to shut down and then that frustrates me even more and makes me feel like I am not important enough to talk to. For everyone who reads this that has some advice good or bad please take the time to help me. I will do anything to save my relationship but I don't have the money to pay a professional. Please help me!!!!!

I know what you are going through.  I too have done this, at some point you have to sit back and say am I going to let my ex, control my current relationship?  Because that is what is happening.  If you aren't willing to get professional help, which is what you need, you need to work on this from the inside * out.  You need to take time to release the pain and indure the love that you have.  Yoga is always a good release, mentally and physically.  Talk to your boyfriend and tell him you are sorry but you are working on yourself, and you need to help you work through this as well.  There are many books as well, go to the local book store and get a few books that can help you get through this rough patch in life and move on. 

Good luck!  Hang in there!   

 
October 5, 2005, 9:10 am CDT

Living Together

I have been living with my boyfriend for 5 months now, he is a nice man except he is constantly on the computer,part of the time he is working,but on average he spends 12-16 hrs per day being at the computer. I get zero affection from him, ever since he moved in with me. I am not talking about sex-just affection.If I take his hand he will hold it for 10 seconds then let go. Kissing him is like kissing a brother,it last 1 second and 9 times out of 10 I iniatiate it.No hugs, no sweet talk-nothing.I have mentioned it to him twice and he gets defensive/makes excuses/or will say I will try to do better,but he doesn't.If he is sitting at the computer I will put my arms around him,but he is unresponsive. I have just given up- I have quit asking for a kiss, I have quit taking his hand, and I have not said I love you for 2 weeks....neither has he. We have not had sex yet either.He lays on his side of the bed, and I am on mine. Once in awhile in the car he will put his hand on my leg,but if I do the same to him he says " Don't start geting wierd". Before he moved in we did make out a few times, the last time was in June. I have asked him 3 times if he wanted to make out,once he said his stomach hurt, the second he said " I thought you were joking" and the last time he said he didn't want to schedule it.Lately I have noticed that at night in his sleep he will touch my leg or something,but then he pulls his hand away really fast like he got burnt.I am very frustrated and would appreciate any advice-especially from men. We both are in our late 30's. Thank you.
 
October 5, 2005, 9:42 am CDT

sarcastic boyfriend

My boyfriend and I have been together for 18 months, and moved in together just before our four month anniversary. Things are good, but I'm a bit over sensitive. He's naturally sarcastic person, and 75% of the things are sarcastic, and most of the time I can't tell if he's serious or just being his sarcastic self. The problem is, I always get mad at him for it, and by now I should know better to just ignore it, but for some reason I can't, and when he' says things it makes me mad, which makes him mad and we end up in some sort of mood with eachother.  

  

I don't know how to fix the fact that I get mad so much, and it's killing our relationship. I was at one point just ignoring it, but it's so freaking hard. Is there anyway I can just ignore his sarcasism without getting mad or is this the end of our relationship? 

  

I hope this makes sense. 

 
October 5, 2005, 10:34 am CDT

Living Together

Quote From: herbgirl

I have been living with my boyfriend for 5 months now, he is a nice man except he is constantly on the computer,part of the time he is working,but on average he spends 12-16 hrs per day being at the computer. I get zero affection from him, ever since he moved in with me. I am not talking about sex-just affection.If I take his hand he will hold it for 10 seconds then let go. Kissing him is like kissing a brother,it last 1 second and 9 times out of 10 I iniatiate it.No hugs, no sweet talk-nothing.I have mentioned it to him twice and he gets defensive/makes excuses/or will say I will try to do better,but he doesn't.If he is sitting at the computer I will put my arms around him,but he is unresponsive. I have just given up- I have quit asking for a kiss, I have quit taking his hand, and I have not said I love you for 2 weeks....neither has he. We have not had sex yet either.He lays on his side of the bed, and I am on mine. Once in awhile in the car he will put his hand on my leg,but if I do the same to him he says " Don't start geting wierd". Before he moved in we did make out a few times, the last time was in June. I have asked him 3 times if he wanted to make out,once he said his stomach hurt, the second he said " I thought you were joking" and the last time he said he didn't want to schedule it.Lately I have noticed that at night in his sleep he will touch my leg or something,but then he pulls his hand away really fast like he got burnt.I am very frustrated and would appreciate any advice-especially from men. We both are in our late 30's. Thank you.
I too have gone through this. I am younger than you and your boyfriend, but I think it is the same thing. What is it though that he is doing on the computer? I ask because if he is just playing games or other business that is one thing, but if it more pleasureful things that may need other advice that I cannot give. My boyfriend had a problem with playing video games continuously, by that I mean any chance he had he was playing them, we only have one TV so I had nothing to do but sit and watch him if I wanted to spend any time with him. I got to the point that I fought with him every time and became very jealous of the video games. I know it sounds stupid but it is like the other woman in a way all of his time is going to that. I know all men are different and age changes things, but I just sat my boyfriend down and talked to him about it. Also, maybe try to get someone who sees it from your point of view that your boyfriend would be willing to listen to to talk to him. My boyfriends' mother helped me out. Now though there is another woman in his life, the computer. I tell him alot that I didn't get into a serious relationship with the TV or by myself. I was also in another relationship where the affection was never there and let me tell you that didn't change for me. I stayed for 5 years and never any changes. I'm sorry if that is not the advice you were looking for, but overall all I can say is you have to talk to him and if he doesn't take the time or effort to understand your feelings than maybe you should think about if that is really how you want to be treated. The best advice I ever got was " you can't change a man unless he wants to change himself." Easy I know but very true. Good luck!
 
October 5, 2005, 7:53 pm CDT

My Girlfriends Mom HATES ME?!

Hello Everyone,  

  I am asking for advice and opinions for a really tough situation. My girlfriend and I have been together for nearly 3 years. We originally met in Boston where we lived at the time. During that time I met her parents when they flew in from So. Cal where she is from. Since then I have relocated back to Las Vegas and my GF has followed me here, that was 1.5 years ago and we now live together for about the last 10 months. It is going great and we couldnt be happier. Here is the problem, my family lives here in Vegas so they have gotten to know my gf very very well and love her dearly, Her parents live in So. Cal and well, have only met me twice. My gf flew her mother in to stay with us for 4 days a few months ago and the woman was very rude and really seemed to dislike me during her stay here. Needless to say the issue is this. Her daughter ( my gf) would love for her parents to come and visit us here in Vegas, but recently she asked her parents to come and visit and her mom simply said no and would not elaborate more. I am more than willing to go there as long as I know I am welcome but I will not impose. Her mother never talks or asks about me to my gf and when she does she will not refer to me by name. she simply says "your loved one". I hate seeing my gf get upset that her mom is so rude and doesnt want to visit or see her. I dont know what her deal is but I sincerely think she doesnt like me. When she stayed with us I was more than accomodating and gave her every opportunity to get to know me better, but she just ignored me the entire time. I feel that I have gone half way and have made it more that clear that MY door is always open to her mother and the rest of her family. I do not want to be the reason my gf does not have a good relationship with her mom but honestly, I dont really care what her mom thinks about me.  I just want to know what her deal is so I can try to bridge this gap. Any thoughts would be appreciated! 

 
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