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July 30, 2007, 3:16 pm PDT

Need to make a plan

Quote From: speshall

well, i have known this man for 3-4 years and he is the friendly type. Just lived in the same areahe offered assistance which I always turned down. Moved away, moved back to CA. This person is still there. He helps me clear out some junk in my apt. He helps me with my resume etc.

I work and only 10 hours a week at the mall. I go to a college, studying chemistry and math for my degree. My family is unavaliable at this point and the girls i work with at the mall think i am lucky to have this guy. they think he is "cute".

My 9 year old now lives with my ex and I am afraid of this man, esp. since I have never been in a physically abusive relationship. I was always a good mother and person. The reason i have no family here is because i was married to an air force officer and he was stationed in California. It'a hard not to be intimidated by this man because he is a bodybuilder and he starts to slobber when he gets mad.

Have you tried to leave him before? If you have and he has become abusive, you may want to contact a shelter for assistance in this. I have not been in this situation, so that's the best advice I can give there. You say that your parents are unavailable. Does this mean that they would not help you to get out of this situation knowing that you are in danger? If you haven't done so already, please talk to your parents.

You need to get out of this situation. It seems that you are not in the financial position to be able to live on your own, correct? Is there any way you could get more hours at your job? Are you a full time student? Maybe you could look into college dorms if they are offered. There are also many grants that you can apply for that will include living expensives. You can talk to your financial counselor at school.

I do wish you the best of luck and I am always here to listen and give advise as best I can.

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ricschic

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July 30, 2007, 3:24 pm PDT

Living Together

Quote From: speshall

well, i have known this man for 3-4 years and he is the friendly type. Just lived in the same areahe offered assistance which I always turned down. Moved away, moved back to CA. This person is still there. He helps me clear out some junk in my apt. He helps me with my resume etc.

I work and only 10 hours a week at the mall. I go to a college, studying chemistry and math for my degree. My family is unavaliable at this point and the girls i work with at the mall think i am lucky to have this guy. they think he is "cute".

My 9 year old now lives with my ex and I am afraid of this man, esp. since I have never been in a physically abusive relationship. I was always a good mother and person. The reason i have no family here is because i was married to an air force officer and he was stationed in California. It'a hard not to be intimidated by this man because he is a bodybuilder and he starts to slobber when he gets mad.

Please...call your local domestic violence center. (women's shelter) You don't have to go to the shelter to avail yourself of their services. Their number should be in the front of your local phone book, or you can call your police department and ask for the number. They will contact the shelter and have someone return your call. You need the assistance of the women who know what you're dealing with, and can help you make a plan for escape. They have a myriad of resources available...the least not being legal and financial. Please call someone...even if all you do at this point is TALK to them...just give them a call.

He sounds very dangerous..I don't care HOW cute he is. He sounds dangerous. I don't want to sound like an alarmist, but I'm concerned for you.

This site has a message board for women (and men) that are in abusive situations. There are also survivors there. At the top of the page for that message board, there are links and resources. Please...if you can't find the site yourself, let me know and I'll post the link directly for you. There are also women there who are a whole helluva lot smarter than myself. Even if you don't go there for the support and camraderie, please go and check out the links. There IS help out there for you.....

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bellker

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happy

July 30, 2007, 9:29 pm PDT

no drama necessary

Quote From: speshall

I am now living in a VERY uncomfortable situation. A man, much older than myself decided that I could move from my apt. to his. (in the same apt. complex) for 3-4 months so that i could save up for rent. Well, it has been 2 years. He took me to Connecticut and now he expects me to go to Hawaii. This man has been physically abusive as well.

This is what I call sugar coating...

The main advice necessary in this situation is that you should just Leave....

I have read the advice given and whereas it is not bad advice, I would say that they are a long story around one major important thing.... that is, you should just leave.... periord.

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ricschic

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July 31, 2007, 5:12 am PDT

Living Together

Quote From: bellker

This is what I call sugar coating...

The main advice necessary in this situation is that you should just Leave....

I have read the advice given and whereas it is not bad advice, I would say that they are a long story around one major important thing.... that is, you should just leave.... periord.

Telling someone to "just leave" isn't advice. You need to get a REAL education and understanding about the dynamics of abuse. There's a very REAL dynamic at work here, and unless you truly understand what is going on, telling someone to "just leave" is like telling someone to put a band aid on a severed artery.

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b1212ds

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July 31, 2007, 9:26 am PDT

Exactly!

Quote From: ricschic

Telling someone to "just leave" isn't advice. You need to get a REAL education and understanding about the dynamics of abuse. There's a very REAL dynamic at work here, and unless you truly understand what is going on, telling someone to "just leave" is like telling someone to put a band aid on a severed artery.

There are obviously more reasons why she can't "just leave". Whether or not there is abuse in a relationship (marrier or not), there are many other factors that come into play.

More often than none, one can't simply walk out the door one day and have the resources they need.

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speshall

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Worried

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July 31, 2007, 1:39 pm PDT

Living Together

Quote From: b1212ds

There are obviously more reasons why she can't "just leave". Whether or not there is abuse in a relationship (marrier or not), there are many other factors that come into play.

More often than none, one can't simply walk out the door one day and have the resources they need.

Very true- resources such as a place to stay can be difficult to come by when you are far from home.

Well I am going to leave the situation for 5 days and then I will be back for 2 days then leaving for another two weeks.

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muldoon_dl

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chillin'

July 31, 2007, 2:26 pm PDT

Men and fantasies

Quote From: tutucute

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3+ years of those 3 years we have lived together for roughly 2 1/2. I thought I knew like the back of my hand and that we had no secrets until the past 6 months when I found websites on our computer for sex sites and websites where you can chat with other so called "singles" or involved ppl about getting together possibly for sex or just have cyber sex. I have confronted him once about it and he told me that it was him being bored that he would never cheat on me and that I dont need to worry if I trust him, but that he wasnt going to go on them again since I asked him not too. Well the other day the sites appeared on the computer again and this time there is more than just one. Im not sure what to do. Please someone help me give me some advice. I love him with all my heart and I know he wouldnt physically cheat on me but all the websites bother me I dont see what the problem is. Is he bored with me? Am I not enough? All of these woman on the sites are much skinnier and prettier than I am and I just dont think that I measure up to that. Please someone help!!!

My man goes on the computer and looks at porn sites. He doesn't hide it at all. I don't mind at all and have even looked with him. We both believe that it gives us new ideas in the bedroom. We are both secure enough in our relationship and know that he can't jump in the computer to touch these woman. He doesn't chat, neither do I. We have discussed boundaries and are comfortable with this. As for the woman being skinnier and prettier...in who's eyes? Does he feel that way or is that your opinion? Just remember, there is a lot of airbrushing and touch ups done to these sites. Also remember this, there are sites that pop up that give you the opportunity to get together. That doesn't mean that he intentionally went to them. Communication is the key to any relationship. Guys are visual animals...and yes they like to look, out of boredom. Talk to him and get to the bottom of why he likes the sites. Ask if you could look with him and have him show you what it is that he likes. Is it the women, or what they are actually doing? Men are going to fantasize, whether it is in their heads, computer screen or some girl walking down the street. Just communicate...do not come at him confrontational though, then he won't want to talk and he will just hide it more.

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muldoon_dl

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Good

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worried

July 31, 2007, 2:36 pm PDT

RESOURCED

Quote From: speshall

Very true- resources such as a place to stay can be difficult to come by when you are far from home.

Well I am going to leave the situation for 5 days and then I will be back for 2 days then leaving for another two weeks.

If you want to leave and are worried about resources...if there is any abuse, emotional, verbal, physical, regardless...where I live there is a program called CADA (Civilians Against Domestic Abuse). They have apartment complexes (very nice, brand new that were funded by local businesses) that woman can live in, free of charge, they even buy your food and toiletries and give vouchers for thrift stores. This is all regardless of income. They proved counseling and legal assistance as well and work with the prosecutors. I am pretty sure that there are programs like this cross country. No woman is ever alone, there are resources out there and people willing to help. You must take the first step and except the help.

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muldoon_dl

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Good

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July 31, 2007, 2:39 pm PDT

There are Resources...YES YOU CAN LEAVE!

Quote From: b1212ds

There are obviously more reasons why she can't "just leave". Whether or not there is abuse in a relationship (marrier or not), there are many other factors that come into play.

More often than none, one can't simply walk out the door one day and have the resources they need.

If you want to leave and are worried about resources...if there is any abuse, emotional, verbal, physical, regardless...where I live there is a program called CADA (Civilians Against Domestic Abuse). They have apartment complexes (very nice, brand new that were funded by local businesses) that woman can live in, free of charge, they even buy your food and toiletries and give vouchers for thrift stores. This is all regardless of income. They proved counseling and legal assistance as well and work with the prosecutors. I am pretty sure that there are programs like this cross country. No woman is ever alone, there are resources out there and people willing to help. You must take the first step and except the help.

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muldoon_dl

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Good

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July 31, 2007, 3:52 pm PDT

SHELTERS

Quote From: ricschic

Please...call your local domestic violence center. (women's shelter) You don't have to go to the shelter to avail yourself of their services. Their number should be in the front of your local phone book, or you can call your police department and ask for the number. They will contact the shelter and have someone return your call. You need the assistance of the women who know what you're dealing with, and can help you make a plan for escape. They have a myriad of resources available...the least not being legal and financial. Please call someone...even if all you do at this point is TALK to them...just give them a call.

He sounds very dangerous..I don't care HOW cute he is. He sounds dangerous. I don't want to sound like an alarmist, but I'm concerned for you.

This site has a message board for women (and men) that are in abusive situations. There are also survivors there. At the top of the page for that message board, there are links and resources. Please...if you can't find the site yourself, let me know and I'll post the link directly for you. There are also women there who are a whole helluva lot smarter than myself. Even if you don't go there for the support and camraderie, please go and check out the links. There IS help out there for you.....

Alot of woman hear the word shelter and that scares them...they think big room with 50 cots across the room and children running around like crazy. Where I live, the shelter has individual apartments with all of the amenaties of your normal house (dish washer, fridge, micro, cable tv, phone etc...) Woman are taken in regardless of income and are given counseling, legal assistance, food, clothing toiletries and confidentiality.

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Message Boards

Topic : Living Together

Need to make a plan

Living Together

no drama necessary

Living Together

Exactly!

Living Together

Men and fantasies

RESOURCED

There are Resources...YES YOU CAN LEAVE!

SHELTERS