Topic : Living Together

 You did not mention you ages, so my guess is your over 18, but under 35. 

   The fact he did this a second time?  No respect for you and your wishes.  It does not disturb him enough to stop.  Your posting about it, which means your upset by it.  So that makes it cheating. 

  You have 2 options.  Both of which involve moving out.  It's the only thing that will get his attention- and if you choose not to do that-- like rent a room for a month in another location, parents, and girlfriend, whatever.  Then your not going to get his attention and waste more years of your life on a guy who's porn is more important to him than you.    

 It's nice you love him, but it does not take a guy 3+ years to figure out if your keeper or not.  

that's another problem.. he's a GUY... not a MAN.. Big difference!   Why should he respect you anyway?  You'll just roll over to keep the comfort zone-- HE has got nothing to worry about.  

Hi all, I'm new and don't have a friend in the world to talk to so I'm posting my woe's here and will welcome any advice I can get. 

I'm 38 and my bf is 32...we've been together for 1.5 yrs...living together for a year.  Down the line I found out that he's not divorced from his wife just legally separated (if there is such a thing) and this has been an issue with me for quite some time now.  I'm falling apart at the seems and don't know how to put myself back together.  They say love is blind but how much can you take from one person?  He's been abusive..it started out physical but now it's more mental.  He's very controlling and emotionally closed off  that I feel like I have to push my way into his heart.  The tough part is..everyone can see that he's a good person that has made bad choices with people he's trusted in the past so naturally he feels he has to protect himself.  The most confusing part is I Think he really cares for me because he's the one that will imitate keeping the lines of communication open between us.  I was never good at that..anytime things got too hard for me I would just pack my bags and leave.  Anyway when he messes up he will apologize and listen to me communicate my needs and he'll get right on it to try and  fix things but then three weeks later we're having the same problems.  He's not affectionate at all, and this is what I need, he's words can be hurtful, and he can make you feel like you're the one that's crazy, blowing things out of proportion.  The last time he hit me he went before my whole family and apologized and promised it would never happen again.  So I feel that if he did all that he must care about me, but why then do I feel so alone even when I'm with him.  I feel like I have to fight and push for his affection. To reassure him that I won't hurt him like his wife did....I've had to pretty much give up everything...Dressing real nice, going out with my girls, etc. because he's so controlling and jealous. 

I'll continue to do this until I can't take it anymore and leave, then he'll beg me to come back with the same ole promise of getting the divorce and making things better between us.  Like a fool I'll go back.   He knows exactly what to say to make me give in because I want to believe him so badly..What makes all of this so confusing to me is this....Sex between us is good...no problems there...he'll listen to me express my needs and will do everything but finalize the divorce to the woman he claims he wants nothing to do with because she caused DFACS to take away their two little girls 5 years ago.  There's always some excuse. 

Why do I feel sorry for him.... Why am I so in love with someone that wont open up and let me in..and why does he go through all the trouble to get me back everytime I leave.  What is he holding on too?  It's not me that's for sure.  He can be so sweet and charming one minute then cold, mean, and distant the next.  Am I just waisting my time or what????

Hi all, I'm new and don't have a friend in the world to talk to so I'm posting my woe's here and will welcome any advice I can get. 

I'm 38 and my bf is 32...we've been together for 1.5 yrs...living together for a year.  Down the line I found out that he's not divorced from his wife just legally separated (if there is such a thing) and this has been an issue with me for quite some time now.  I'm falling apart at the seems and don't know how to put myself back together.  They say love is blind but how much can you take from one person?  He's been abusive..it started out physical but now it's more mental.  He's very controlling and emotionally closed off  that I feel like I have to push my way into his heart.  The tough part is..everyone can see that he's a good person that has made bad choices with people he's trusted in the past so naturally he feels he has to protect himself.  The most confusing part is I Think he really cares for me because he's the one that will imitate keeping the lines of communication open between us.  I was never good at that..anytime things got too hard for me I would just pack my bags and leave.  Anyway when he messes up he will apologize and listen to me communicate my needs and he'll get right on it to try and  fix things but then three weeks later we're having the same problems.  He's not affectionate at all, and this is what I need, he's words can be hurtful, and he can make you feel like you're the one that's crazy, blowing things out of proportion.  The last time he hit me he went before my whole family and apologized and promised it would never happen again.  So I feel that if he did all that he must care about me, but why then do I feel so alone even when I'm with him.  I feel like I have to fight and push for his affection. To reassure him that I won't hurt him like his wife did....I've had to pretty much give up everything...Dressing real nice, going out with my girls, etc. because he's so controlling and jealous. 

I'll continue to do this until I can't take it anymore and leave, then he'll beg me to come back with the same ole promise of getting the divorce and making things better between us.  Like a fool I'll go back.   He knows exactly what to say to make me give in because I want to believe him so badly..What makes all of this so confusing to me is this....Sex between us is good...no problems there...he'll listen to me express my needs and will do everything but finalize the divorce to the woman he claims he wants nothing to do with because she caused DFACS to take away their two little girls 5 years ago.  There's always some excuse. 

Why do I feel sorry for him.... Why am I so in love with someone that wont open up and let me in..and why does he go through all the trouble to get me back everytime I leave.  What is he holding on too?  It's not me that's for sure.  He can be so sweet and charming one minute then cold, mean, and distant the next.  Am I just waisting my time or what????

He spends so much time trying to keep you, because the bottom line is abusers need someone to abuse. It is time to get out of this relationship, greive and heal, and begin living your life to the fullest. Reconnect with your girl freinds, start wearing what your want, and recovering your self esttem and dignity.

He is not divorcing this other woman, because by keeping her in limbo he is maintaining power and control over her. Her reasons for not divorcing him can be she cannot afford a divorce, maybe she is hoping he will come back, maybe she is scared to send him the papers, or maybe she does not care if she is divorced or not, who knows? Does not matter really, in his mind he has two women under his control and he is meeting his need to feel powerful and in control.

Honestly, not only are you wasting your precious time, but you are jepordizing your life, time to get out and begin living for yourself again, not living to sacrifice yourself for another humans wants, needs, demands.

If you can leave saftley, you need to get in touch with a counselor that works with abused women so that you can explore why you are attracted to this abusive man, and why his manipulation tactic of garnering sympathy works on you.

You can also learn some new skills on how to recognize the warnign signs so that if you run into and abusive individual again you will be able to extricate yourself from the situation far before he has the opportunity to gain control over you.

Keep in touch, and stay safe, you deserve a far more rewarding and healthy life.

Hugs

Tammy

With abusive men, it's all about power and control. If he wasn't doing this to  you, he'd be doing it to someone else. It is a CONTROL issue, and it's not going to change.

After your "blowups", when you leave and he starts the campaign to get you to return, you enter into the "honeymoon period". Then starts the build up again, then the explosion, then the remorse, then the honeymoon period. It is a cycle that will continue over and over and over again.

Even counseling and anger management doesn't help, b/c it's not an anger problem. People like this ALWAYS blame someone else for what they do. And yet..when the s**t hits the fan, and you leave, he will do WHATEVER it takes to get you back. Back under his CONTROL, which is where he wants you.

Please...get the book "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. Very good book, and will open your eyes and explain some things like you've never had them explained before.

Also...type "emotional abuse" into your search engine, and read. Get some knowledge of what you're really dealing with here. You need to know that even with help, the rate of change in these men is so low that it isn't worth mentioning.

Below is what I found with just ONE link.....

• Do you feel that something is wrong with your relationship, but you don't know how to describe it?
• Do you feel that your partner controls your life?
• Do you feel that your partner does not value your thoughts or feelings?
• Will your partner do anything to win an argument, such as put you down, threaten or intimidate you?
• Does your partner get angry and jealous if you talk to someone else?  Are you accused of having affairs?
• Do you feel that you cannot do anything right in your partner's eyes?
• Do you get mixed messages, such as the reason you are abused is because he loves you?
• Are you told that no one else would want you, or that you are lucky your partner takes care of you?
• Do you have to account for every moment of your time?
• When you try to talk to your partner about problems, are you called names such as bitch or nag?
• Are you prevented from going to work or school, or from learning English?
• Does your partner threaten to withdraw your sponsorship or send you back to your country of origin?
• If you wish to spend money, does your partner make you account for every penny,
• or say you don't deserve anything?
• After an argument, does your partner insist that you have sex as a way to make up?
• Does he use the children against you in arguments?  Does your partner threaten that you will never see the children again if you leave?
• Does your partner blame you for everything that goes wrong?

How are you affected?

• Are you unable or afraid to make decisions for yourself?
• Do you do anything you can to please your partner or not upset him?
• Do you make excuses for your partner's behaviour?
• Are you forgetful, confused or unable to concentrate?
• Have you noticed changes in your eating, sleeping, alcohol or drug use?
• Have you lost interest or energy to do the things you used to?
• Do you feel sick, anxious, tired or depressed a lot of the time?
• Have you lost contact with your friends, family or neighbours?
• Have you lost self-confidence and feel afraid that you could not make it alone?

What can you do about it?

• Realize that emotional abuse is a serious problem and you can get help.
• Recognize that emotional abuse is as bad or worse than physical abuse.
• Take your own safety and the safety of your children seriously.
• Know that emotional abuse can lead to physical violence or death.
• Know that you are not to blame for your partner's abusive behaviour.
• Find people to talk to that can support you. Consider going for counselling.
• Do not give up if community professionals are not helpful. Keep looking for
• Someone that will listen to you and take emotional abuse seriously.
• Recognize that you have the right to make your own decisions, in your own time, and that dealing with any form of abuse may take time.
• Trust yourself and your own experiences. Believe in your own strengths. Remember that you are your own best source of knowledge and strength, and that you already have the tools you need to survive.  

Where can you turn to?

• Women's help lines are for you too. Find the number in the front of your phone book.
• Shelters do accept women who are emotionally abused and have not been physically abused. The help line can refer you to the one nearest you. Use the Bell Relay Service if they do not have a TTY. If you have a disability, ask where there is an accessible shelter in your area. 
• If you have been threatened with harm or death, or are being stalked (followed and harassed) by your partner or ex-partner, you can call the police. Dial 911, or if you are in a rural area, find out the emergency number.
• If you are considering leaving, especially if you have children, see a lawyer. In Ontario you can call, 1-800-268-8326, for referrals to a lawyer and be entitled to a free half-hour visit.
• Abused women are at the greatest risk of being harmed or killed when they leave. Ensure that you have a safety plan in place.

I would like to add...there is an abuse message board here on this site. I know. I'm part of the women that go there every day in an effort to help understand, and support. There is no judgment calls. No one will ask you "why don't you just leave?", b/c we understand why you don't leave and stay gone. All of us have been there, including myself.

I hope you'll find your way there. I think you could use the support.....

Thank you so much for the information,

This relationship has really taken its toll on me and I see alot of those characteristics going on in my life.  Posting here today has been the best thing I could have done to get the help that I so desperately need. I'm tired of feeling lost.  I'm going to get the book you suggested, and continue to post my feelings and really take notice of all this good advice I'm getting. 

again thank you so much!!!

You have your answer. You always had it, you just didn't realize it. You say you have nowhere to go...are there other abusive behaviors in your relationship? If so...please contact your local domestic violence center. You don't have to live in a women's shelter for them to help you. They have resources available..from financial, to legal. And everything inbetween.

Just make the call...they might be able to help you more than you realize. Good luck....