Topic : Living Together

I have been with someone for 6 years and we lived together for 3 years. I was told by him last november that myself and my 2 children had to get out because he couldnt handle having 4 kids anymore. He at that time was going through a very stressful situation, his father was in hospice and his 18 year old learning disabled son moved back into his home from being away living in a special school for children like him. I of course left with my children and moved into an apartment in the same town. Well, we still are together in a way but dont live together anymore. He says that we do have a future together but he cant handle all the kids. We have discussed our future numourous times and the answer he says to me if that he loves me and wants me in his life but he hopes that when the kids get older(like move out) we can be together like it was. My problem now is what do I do?  My relationship with him has always been great, we both have felt that we are soulmates and we belong together, he is a great provider and a good man.  I really need some advice on this situation. I have to add that within the last 5 months I have met another man and we see eachother like once a week, I do enjoy his company but I am holding back because of the way I feel toward the other man. I am so confused at this time and I need some advice.

 

 

 

I can't believe he claims to love you, but uses your kids as an excuse to be away from you.   He sounds quite selfish if you ask me....which you did, so I'm putting in my two cents.

 

I say leave him with his "peace and quiet".

 

What's going to happen when your kids turn 18?  Is he going to want them to immediately move out?  What if one of YOUR kids has to move back home for some reason?   What if you want your kids to come visit frequently,? (which I would want my kids to feel free to do)    Would you and your kids feel comfortable hanging out at the house you share with him?

 

Just because they turn 18 doesn't mean they stop being your kids.   Your home should FEEL like home to them.    It should be a good place for them to come see you, not a place where they don't feel entirely welcome and where you're walking on egg shells.

 

I think you're in a good place on your own in your apartment and I'm glad you're stretching your social wings a bit.    I don't think I could be with someone who didn't love my kids.   How could someone love me, but not my son and daughter?  They're part of me and my life and they always will be.

 

don't give that up for a selfish man...even though you do love.  

 

If you like this new man...why not stop keeping him at arm's length and let him come a bit closer to see how you might feel about him?   

 

Best of luck to you.

 

 

My finace and I have been living together for over 2 years now. We are both 22 and met in college. Through our ups and downs I think the biggest thing we've had going for us is that we live together; it has forced us to confront issues and has kept us from being able to run away when things got hard. I think that knowing if you can live with somebody is one of the most important things to find out before you get married; I hear a lot of arguments from friends and famiy in relationships that have revolved around household chores and how eachother lives. Where or not it is "moral" to live together before marriage, I can tell you from experience it is SMART!

Dear Members,


You may have noticed some changes going on here at DrPhil.com. We have been hard at work, building an all-new Dr. Phil community with tons of exciting new features and ways to keep in touch with each other.


Unfortunately, we moved too fast and brought our new community to you before it was ready. You responded by letting us know how much you missed the old message boards and online diaries you had grown to love.


With every new community, there are growing pains, and we’re still fitting into our new framework. In an effort to accommodate the needs of our loyal members, we’re restoring the Dr. Phil community features you had access to before. Click around now and you’ll find all your old messages and diary entries right where you put them in the first place.


Thanks for your ongoing support.


Sincerely,


Gabrielle Pascoe
Director of New Media
Dr. Phil

Hi Everyone! I am new to this so here goes! I have been with my bf for almost two years now and we have been in a a long distance relationship the whole time. We live about 45 miles apart. I have two boys and he has two kids and is divorced. I hhave never been married and would like to be one day. I am 29 and he is 36. We have finally decided to move in together and he is buying a house and my kids and I will move in with him. He says that the house will be ours and not just his and I hope that that is how it will be. We have had a lot of hard times in the past and I'm worried that if we live together that things will not change. He has a very bitchy ex wife and I don't think he will ever want to get married again because of how things ended with her.I have a disabled chid who is in a wheelchair  and my other son is normal and he is great to both of them and for the most part he is great to me as well. He tells me he loves me all the time and when we are together he helps me with my and helps me take care of them. When we go out he will pretty much take me where ever I want to go and he always pays. My problem is is that I have wanted to live with him for a very long time now but wondreed if it would happen. We looked for a house for almost a year before we found one! On Oct 26 the house is supposed to close and then we have work to do on it before we can move in. I am scared to death! I am moving 10 miles away from where I live now and he will be moving about 25 miles away from work. I am scared that this will not work out and I will have nowhere to go! All my relationships in the past have ended badly and I am scared that this will too.  I know that with every relationship there are good things and bad things that you have to deal with. How do you know for sure that you are really ready to live with someone? Am I just scared because of my past? I am also concerened because when we get into a fight he will not talk to me for days and when we do finally talk, I feel as though we never solve anything.I am afraid that if we do not work out that my kids will suffer greatly and I do not want to do that to them! He is a good person, has a good job, is a great dad ect. But he has some flaws to as we all do. I am not perfect either!  We have talked and we are both scared but we know that we love each other very much and we want to  see where this goes.How do we get over this fear? How do I deal with his bitchy ex wife? What do I do when we get into a fight and shuts down? How can I ease his fears a liitle bit? Please HELP!!! 

I have been with my boyfriend on and off for the pasted three an a half years now. He has been there for me at my lows time's in my life. He just asked me to move in with him a month ago but he told me a few days ago that he isn't giving up his female friend's that he has went and did thing's with such as "going camping with them and sleeping in the same tent together but nothing happened!" <-----This is why it has been a off and on again relationship. All my friends and family tell me that he is having a mid life and other's tell me that he is having a Emotional Affair with this women but he dosn't think so? He told me that he has never asked me to give up anything but I can't see my son due to his dog<---Long story, and now I can only see my daughter if his dog isn't here when I get her on my weekends again<----Long story. He was married once but has been divorced now for 5yrs (He cheated on wife with her own sister 20yrs ago) He told me that i'm making a big deal out of nothing? and my friends and family tell me to just be quit because I have no where else to go thanks to my assholes of ex hubby's. Everytime I try to talk to him about how i'm feeling about this he totally turns it around on me, when we start talking again after breaking up he tells me this line of crap and a few weeks down the road the story change's and again he turns it around on me, and when I find out thing's he gets mad and tells me to get out.. I have a problem with his type of friend's or am I wrong in thinking this way?<----Been there done this with the last two hubby's!!!! A few days ago I got tired of hearing his crap so the email's that he sent me before getting back together this last time I had went an sent them to these's two women they both have either called, emailed or imed him about them. Was I in the wrong for doing this? Just last night the other one that I emailed the info to that had called him about it and that his mommy tried to set him up with which is one of her friend's the one that he told me that he only talked to once when he came over to my old place to ask me to move in with him intil last night when she called him and I found out that he too asked her to go to Vegas with him next Feb for his brothers wedding but he told her the same lame story as he told the other one I won't have the money unless they buy his way then i'm sure he will go.. Am I wrong in feeling this way? Doing theses thing's? Is he suger coating thing's to get what he want's from me and the other's? Why is it I always fall for the wrong guy's? Don't get me wrong I do truely love this man and am scared to be without him but when is it enough? Advise and Help Please 

Hi all, I'm at wits end.  My live-in girlfriend has a medical condition that saps her energy and requires daily medication to keep her from slipping into a coma.  I knew this going into the relationship and was OK with that part of our relationship.  I was in another relationship with someone who required a lot of care, so I understand the nature of this commitment. 

 

The problem is my GF looks and sounds incredibly competent at work, promises to do a lot of things for others, then falls ill, and I have to carry the load to get her tasks done.  My work is suffering as I am doing 1.75 jobs (hers and mine), caring for her, and helping her cope with the mental issues associated with her situation.

 

The illness parameters have taken on dimensions I hadn't counted on.  She told me that she was a hard worker, and was tough as nails.  I have yet to see her do more than talk a lot about what she has done, or what she is going to do.  She is very frequently incapacitated by some minor comment that someone makes about her, or in relation to her.  She seems to have no resilience whatsoever to deal with any trial or tribulation no matter how insignificant. I am really getting to wonder how she has made it this far in life (she is in her mid-30s).

 

Despite her condition, she always manages to find time to shop, talk with people on the phone for several hours per day and eat out at expensive restaurants. 

 

I am dispirited, and financially broke from this experience.  Whenever, I try to discuss any facet of this situation, she is too tired, too sick, or too incapable of coping with "one more thing."  Worse yet, if we do manage to begin to discuss something, I sometimes get accused of being incapable of dealing with her illness, which hurts (she told me that people in her past abandoned her when she fell ill).

 

I have gently encouraged her to go to a counselor, and she always finds an excuse for not going.  She has seen counselors in the past, so it’s not like she has issues with psychology.

 

Despite all of this, she has been a good partner at times, but I'm not sure if this is the tip of the iceberg or just a rough spot we are going through, and she will stabilize.

 

Any constructive feedback would be greatly appreciated.

 

I'm with a guy that cried he hated always meeting women with children.  He forgot one thing, he had them also.  Even though they live out of town, one in town and with their mothers, he has them too.  Now that dog has come back to bite him right where he sits.  He's concerned about his girls that are having boyfriend problems and he wants everyone to be accepting of them.  He's also still clinging to an old love interest.  I could go on for hours but I should have ran when it easier.  When we were dating there was this song on the radio I use to hear going to pick up my now 31 yr old, I fell in love it, it said all the right things, I didn't listen and I knew it was meant for me and this man, but he kept coming around, I would disappear, not answer, he'd show up at the door, I gave in.  I should have let it go when it was fresh.  Now I'm just waiting for him to go.  I know it will be sooner than later, he can always go back to the old love interest, she's waiting and so am I. 

 

Let it go, move on.  Where there is no room for you and yours, then there is no room for him and his.  He wants more from you than he's willing to give.  I wouldn't accept it, I can't and won't anymore.  Mine just doesn't have any place to go but backwards and I'm moving forward.  They know that and is just clinging to small straws.  I have my children and the love me, even though he almost turned them against me.  I have a home business, I'm taking continuing education classes at the community college, I have my own income, I pay all my bills.  Proper perpective?  It's not about the kids, it's about the man.

Oh boy this is a difficult one. Your girlfriend has a pattern- kind of like a “method to her madness” if you will. When she hears something she doesn’t like; she automatically ‘flips the switch’ so that the topic becomes your issues. My first advice to you is this: when you try to talk to her about something, and she turns it around and makes it about you and your short-comings, don’t take the bait! What I mean by that is this: stick to the original topic. When she changes the subject to how terrible you are, that will make you begin to defend yourself- which gets you off of your original topic. That is exactly what she wants. Instead of automatically going into defensive mode like she is expecting you to, don’t take that bait. Instead, say something like, “We’ll talk about that subject after we’ve settled this disagreement. Back to the original topic….”
Something that I have used successfully in the past is called the “validation method.” This is when you bring up an issue by saying kind things, then stating the issue, then another kind thing. Example: “Hon, you and I have great times together, and I love you so much. I want you to know that I never want to hurt your feelings or make you feel badly. I just want to discuss some of the issues we have and come to a healthy solution together. When you promise to do extra things for people, and then I am the one who has to pull it together, it adds a lot of extra stress to my life, and I need to ask you to not offer to do extra things for other people. This doesn’t mean I think you are a bad partner- I love you and I appreciate you very much.” Try this and see how she reacts. Again, if she immediately goes into that “defensive” mode, if she accuses you of being incapable of dealing with her illness, do not defend yourself- that will change the subject, and that is exactly what she wants.
I understand your frustration and your feelings are 100% valid. Your partner is very sensitive and she doesn’t want to deal with problems; however, she is adding to the problems that she doesn’t want to deal with by piling work onto you. In a sense, she is trying to push you away by seeing how much crap you will take. You sound like a person who wants to do the right thing, you want to improve your life and your relationship- I urge you to take the plunge and try the ‘validation’ method today. Best wishes to you!

I'm currently living with my boyfriend who is 42 and I'm 27. we've been together for 3 years and he has 2 children ages 13 and 8 who live with us as well. he's a very nice person and our relationship seems good but i just feel left out of his life as far as his children are concerned. what role should i play? he wants to marry me but i don't know if i want that. i don't agree with alot of things he does concerning his children. I think they should be disciplined a different way, they seem very spoiled to me. I'd like to have children but i want them raised differently. i don't want my kids falling asleep to the television every night, what should I do?