Topic : Living Together

 I AM 31 AND MY BOYFRINED IS 32. HE HAS 2 KIDS( 2DIFFERENT WOMEN) IHAVE ONE CHILD. WE HAVE DISCUSSED MARRIAGE AND HAVING MORE CHILDREN. WE HAVE BEEN LIVIGN TOGEHTER SINCE FEBRUARY. WE LIVE ABOUT AN HOUR FROM HIS CHILDREN; HE WANTS TO MOVE 20 MINUTES CLOSER TO HIS CHILDREN, WHEN OUR LEASE EXPIRES IN DECEMBER. iDONT WANT TO MOVE, BEACASUE,MY SUPPORT SYSTEM OF MY  FAMILY IS HERE,MY DAUGHTERS SCHOOL IS HERE. MY  JOB OF 10 YEARS IS HERE.MOVING TO ME MEANS MORE OF A COMMUTE, AND A WORSE NEIGHBORHOOD. IF HE WOULD PROPOSE TO ME I'D FEEL A LITTLE BETTER ABOUT MOVING. BUT HE SAYS HE WANTS TO MARRY ME BUT HE JUST WANTS TO BE SURE SINCE HIS LAST MARRIGE DIDNT WORK OUT.I HAVE NEVER BEEN MARRIED AND I WOULD LIKE HAVE ANOTHER CHILD...IM NOT GETTING ANY YOUNGER. I JUST DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO. I LOVE HIM LIKE CRAZY AND OUR RELATIONSHIP IS GOOD, REALLY GOOD. IM STUCK...

Moving is going to make his life ‘easier,’ but it will only bring your life a pile of negatives. You need and deserve the support system that you are surrounded with. It is important that your child is happy and stable in a school that she is familiar with, and your job- there is no doubt that is a very important part of your life. What do you have to gain from moving? If he really needs to move, you have to make a decision regarding what is best for YOU and your child. Not what is best for him. Although it might feel like a step backwards, perhaps living apart isn’t such a bad idea. He can be the one to commute, etc., while you stay in a place that is familiar to you. Things may or may not work out, but giving up your stable life for his wants would be a big mistake.

 

 Hi all;
Before I start;  I just want to say that this initiative isn't easy. I'm doing it because it's important.
My girlfriend made me a challenge;  Like most foolish men,  I said "OK"  "I'll do it."
My girlfriend, for now, lets call her Mary;  Mary and I, (lets call me John), Mary thinks I'm being too idealistic about relationships. 
She thinks I set the quality standards too high.
How'd this come about?
Mary’s going through (rather suddenly), a very, difficult financial crisis.  I'll spare the details, but I'll at least give you a clue: (ex-hubby).  I'm sure some of you can relate.
I think I've heard plenty of post-divorce-decree horror stories from friends, male and female;  and divorce economics is a pretty touchy subject that I'm just fine NOT engaging in.
Mary's attempt to help close the dollar gap, she very humbly and graciously asked me to consider moving in with her.  Saying that ... "maybe we can help each other out."
Oh, .. I didn't mention that she has a teenage daughter, 18 yrs old, living with her.  Her opinion of men, and attitude is fairly aligned with the example of her father who amongst other things, chooses not to have regular contact, visitation, or anything resembling a father daughter relationship.  Still, slowly she's warmed up to me after several months of being patient, and allowing her to approach me.
I waited a few days…thought about Mary's offer,  (re: cohabitating) and when the topic came up again, I said it wouldn't be good idea;  For several reasons.
(secretly I knew it would be a disaster)
We've dated on & off for 2years now.  I love her very much,  like her spunky personality, and I can be myself, that is,  not having to try to impress, or "pretend".
 We're both very passionate people.  Very opinionated of course; and I'm sure we both have pride, or "ego's" that cause's us to butt heads as much as we do.  And we DO!
I think we fight too much.  Mainly about DUMB things.  Things that really don't matter.  Things that teenagers bicker about.
I know sometimes it's normal to occasionally spar a little, but I’m getting a little worried about some of the last 2 or 3 incidents.  Mary did not have a gracious response to my answer.  I said I thought that we fight way too much and the idea of moving in with only a suitcase and a guitar, and a laptop, (because that's all there is room for), to a mom-daughter family system as the "live-in boyfriend" was a bad solution to an economic dilemma, that, ultimately is temporary.
Mary's original challenge was for me to ask other couples, if they don't have an occasional spat.
Find out what the norm is; and stop living in this unrealistic dream world.
I've expanded the challenge to include cohabitation anecdotes and feedback thereof.
I’m a baby boomer;  I watched the sexual revolution of the late 60's unfold and re-invent men and woman's roles. I can say, I too went along with the celebration of shedding traditional values as being arcane and prudish. Now I see more clearly what it produced.
I'm pretty sure Mary didn't think for a second that I would go to these lengths to get a clue as to what is or isn't normal levels of bickering in a healthy relationship.  I think we'll benefit from the replies.
Thanks for taking the time to indulge all this.
I welcome your feedback.  I value ALL feedback.
:) 

I don't know of any couples who do not argue.  I do believe fighting fair is good for a relationship, it's a form of communication.  Attacking ones character and putting the other person down is not "fair" fighting.  But voicing your opinions and talking through the issues before they turn into resentments which ultimately will kill the relationship is necessary.

I think WHAT you argue about  and HOW you argue are  the real issues  And do your arguements ever get resolved and do you truly listen and try to understand the others feelings and do you allow the other to freely speak without interrupting. Do you ever come to a satisfactory mutual agreement where you both leave the fight with the issue resolved and no anger is left lingering?

 

I've been married 10 years and I'd say that my husband and I argue 4 or 5 times a week about the "small things"  that one would consider unimportant but those small things over time can add up into huge resentments if they are not discussed in a timely manner.  Many people sweep those small things under the rug and they eat away at you until you explode.  And then months or years later they are brought up, one partner has been spewing over those issues for years while the other has completely forgotten about them and is now bombarded with those small things which are now BIG things !  

 

What is important in your posting is that YOU feel that there is too much fighting.

To answer your question.......

I don't know of any couple who do not have disagreements with their partners a few times a week.     

Hello All, just after some advise....
My partner and I have been together for a little over two years. In those two years we've dealt with a lot together; depression, lack of a father and some pretty serious trust issues.
In the first year together I discovered what I consider to be cheating, naked photos of another girl on his phone. Apparently he'd never met her, they just chatted and she sent them to him at random. After a lot of argument and hurt I  made the decision to  remain with my partner, I love him and am a believer in the second chance.
Over the next year we dealt with a lot of jealousy on my behalf and I have never fully been able to regain the initial rust I had in my partner.
In the last 6 months I believe our relationship has progressed in leaps and bounds. We are living together and I believe him when he tells me he hasn't had inappropriate contact with any other girls. However, this morning I stumbled over an email to him from a girl I know nothing of, and herein lies my dilemma...
The email asked why he hadn't contacted her in a while and suggested that they had done more than just a little harmless flirting BUT I know that I was wrong to be snooping around in his emails. SO, this is where your advise would be much appreciated...
Do I confront him about said email? find out what was really going on between them or trust that it's all over now anyway and let sleeping dogs lie?

15 months isn't that long. He is getting himself together right now & probably needs to try to get to a certain place (i.e. financially) before he would want to commit to you. I know, because it sounds like me.

A little thing inside of you felt you needed to be protective-of-self and thus, you felt the need to check the emails. Something inside of you already knew that this is never ending? It appears to be cyclical. Something has to stop the cycle. If it were me, I'd have a serious talk with him about look; this is wrong. Why haven't all ties been broken? It's wrong for you to have to hurt like this.

 

BTW, I have been in your situation before. After the confrontation about the out-of-control flirting on emails, he realized how bad it hurt me and I just kept saying it was wrong--- he never admitted to being wrong, but his behavior changed. No more emails/social boards/disrespect. (Not that there aren't other issues now...but anyway.) ....If his behavior does not change towards you then you know what needs to be done. Then you need to take care of you.

We've been living together for a year. I changed job situations and now I go to bed earlier. I miss the affection involved with just falling asleep next to him. Has anyone gone through this? It's starting to be an issue because I feel alone during the week. I've tried to just make the "weekdays" just "my time" but I just get plain lonely going to bed alone somedays. :(  Is it unreasonable of me to ask to have time together even if he is not ready to go to sleep? Who has been through this?

 

Every other aspect of us seems so perfect. I just can't get past this issue though. :(

My partner and I have been together for a year and 2 months..He works from 7 untill 5 pm and I work same.  My problem is that we are always working.  Not to include he adds extra work and drives escorts at night.  Mind you he drives them everynight.  It seems we never have time for each other. He is always gone and always leaves me home alone. I've tried to tell him how I feel but seems that he is ignoring me.  To top it off he cheated on me once with one of the escorts. So to top it off I worry that he will do it again.  He says he loves me and that I shouldn't worry but I don't know about that... I am having trouble sleeping and it is interfering with work because of this.  He is gone right now and it is 1:23 am here and he has to be at work at 7 am. Please someone help me.  I have tried everything that I know how to do.