Topic : Living Together

Over the years, time may change a lot of things, but one thing it has not changed is my love for a certain person.  The last time I saw her was about 12 years ago at my fraternity brother’s wedding.  We introduced him and his new bride back in college.  I thought that across the many miles and the barriers of religion that things could never work between her and me. I was certain that day that I would never hold her again and it has haunted me ever since that summer afternoon.

I have found myself in many relationships, each one to fail because I only have love for that one person.  I have even given marriage a try twice, both have failed.  Although one divorce was due to infidelity on her part, but she never compared to my college love either.   I did receive a beautiful daughter from that one.  My first marriage became a disaster from the start; I was trying to fill a void in my life that to this day has not been filled.  I even made the mistake of calling her by my sole mate’s name on the wedding night.  That marriage ended not even a year later when she decided to try to get back with her children’s father. 

This wonderful woman that I met back in college,  who I consider as my sole mate and I keep in touch about several times a year is the only person who I can truly say have been in love with. She has never been married and is still me most extraordinary lady that has ever been in my life. She has made a successful educator and coach in Lafayette, Louisiana.  I have many times tried to get the courage to take a weekend and drive down there, but we are two different worlds.  She is single with the whole world in front of her.   I am divorced with a wonderful child, and stuck where I am because I cannot and will not leave my child.  God gave her to me to protect and take care of.  I just want this Lady back in my life.  I have spoken with her about my feelings and they seem mutual.

I have not been happy since our relationship slipped through the cracks many years ago.   I really think she is going through similar feelings also.

Any advice would be welcome!!!!!

First, before anything else...it's spelled "Soul." The word you are using, "sole" means that she is singular.

Like, "She is the sole owner of the car."   is how you would use that word. "Soul mate" is what you are looking for.

 

 

One thing you have to do is, make absolutely sure that those feelings are mutual. Not just that they only seem to be. How far away from you does she live?

 

Another thing you should consider is if she actually wants to be in a relationship right now. It sounds like you really want to be with this woman, but you must consider what she wants relationship-wise as well.

 

What happened in college to make the relationship slip away in the first place? That's also something you should consider.

 

I'd like to know more about the situation before I can make a more solid idea of what is going on between you two, however, I do have something to say that I read in a book that is a very good piece of advice:

 

"It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live."

 

Think about it. You have lost two marriages because (well...technically one marriage) because you won't let go of this woman. Like when you called your wife by this woman's name on your wedding night. That seems like part of you never left college when you met her. That's your biggest problem. You never let go of that. I'm dealing as we speak with my high school sweetheart refusing to let go. I've been with someone else for a year and seven months, yet this guy has called me at 9 in the morning just to tell me he's been thinking about me, and he found some old love letters from when we were together, etc. etc. He's also had several failed relationships and actually told me that he hasn't had a decent one since me. He is "dwelling on dreams" and he's ruining his chances of having a decent and wonderful relationship with someone else. That's what you do to yourself when you refuse to let go of someone from your past. You destroy your chances of having someone else who will love you and be loyal to you.

First of all, I have tried to live my life without bothering her.  Every few months she will call to see how things are going in my life then we will talk on and off for a while.  This last time she called was about ten days ago, I just had got home from a leadership conference.  When a call came through.  We have decided that she is going to fly up in a few weeks, she lives about 550 miles from me. 

As for the high school sweetheart thing sorry to hear about that.....  She and I are on the same playing field.  We really never really broke up, we just went out separate ways.  I guess what I am needing to know from someone on the outside looking in, would I be doing this wonderful person an injustice by trying to pick up the pieces and rekindling out relationship.  Because of the fact that she has never married.   And I agree college was a long time ago..  I am 37 and she is 34.  

Thanks

Well, consider why she has never married, you keep going back to that. Maybe she doesn't really want that. Some people don't. I'm sure some part of your brain is trying to convince yourself that she never married because she is waiting for you. I've done things like that before. I've wanted someone so bad that I invent reasons for them waiting for me in my own mind. That's easy to do. But it's not practical.

 

You don't nessessarily have to live your life completely without and cut off from all communication from her. But I think it would be beneficial to you if you would let go. I really don't think "Would I be doing her an injustice by getting back together with her?" is the right question you should be asking. From an outsider's perspective, that sounds like you wanting, wanting very much so, to consider her feelings and how it would affect her, but still really thinking of what you want. You want to be with her, and so you include that want in your thoughts on her.

 

If you are almost 40, and you had been with her way back in college, I really do think that it is time for you to let go. Normally, I'm a very romantic person, and a very firm believer in keeping strong relationships, and working with eachother and loving eachother, but yes, you did break up. If the relationship was years ago in college, you went separate ways, and you were even married twice, then you did break up with this woman. I really hate to say such harsh things, because I could easily see how what I'm saying could come off as harsh, and I really don't mean to hurt your feelings by any means at all. But take a moment and try to think realistically. She may be single, but you did just say she lives 550 miles away from you. She lives 550 miles away. Not temporarily stays, not visits someone from time to time, lives 550 miles from you. She may be coming to visit, but she will have to go back sometime. The fact that you've posted this message in the "living together" thread, though you two are not living together, and in fact, live hundreds of miles away, suggests part of you that lives in the fantasy world of her being with you.

 

You have a child. You have a responsibility to this child. What are you teaching this child through example? Are you teaching her to cling to things that happened years and years ago? Are you showing her that it's okay to shun away other possible relationships because of an unwillingness to let go of the past? Are you teaching her that it's okay to have a lack of stability in relationships because of desires lying elsewhere?

 

Normally, I am a romantic person that believes very strongly in love. I always will. I would love to tell you to pour out your heart to her, go run away to where ever she lives, with your child, and get married and live happily ever after. I would love for that to happen for you, but...I honestly don't think that's going to happen. (Once more, I apologize for the harshness of my words.)

 

Honestly, I did the same thing you are doing for a while too. With the same highschool sweetheart (how the tables have turned eh? XD) right after we broke up. We had been together for a long time, and he did a complete personality 180. We ended up in the same theatre class on the first day of college, and I pined over him for a while. I even dated his best friend because the two were so alike (yeah...I know...bad idea...). At the time, I tried to tell myself "No! They're different! I'm dating Zack because I really like him!" That was me inventing reasons for myself. When I heard that my ex got dumped by his girlfriend that he started dating right after me, I was actually happy and tried to come up with reasons to be back together again. Then I found out he was already talking to someone else about going out less than a week later. He was saying how he's always really been in love with her, he's never really stopped loving her, etc. That hurt. It hurt a lot, but my friend told me something that I really, really needed to hear, and she was right. "It is never going to happen again." After she told me that, I really started letting go. I didn't stay with his friend long, and I actually ended up with someone else in the same class. I've been with him ever since. I've been very happy and very in love because I let go.

 

I'm not saying I didn't really love my high school guy. He was my first love of all. But I needed to let go of him in order to move on to someone, who in my opinion, is so much better for me. Sometimes what we really want, is not what is best for us. It takes a step back and a good look at ourselves and the state we put ourselves in by clinging onto things that we really want to realize that.

Yes Redfeathers you make a good point, but what I have failed to bring into light is an email that she sent back in mid December.  She stated that she has no ties to where she is living at present, and if moving to be up here is the meaning of happiness for her she would put it in Gods hands.  We both seem to keep coming full circle back to where it all began.  She has stated many times that she wants to be married and have children.  Do you think it is fair to bring her into my life with all my baggage and mistakes?  And no I am not including my child into that statement, she is the most precious gift that the Lord has given me. But the problems with her mother are a bit much.  And yes my child has a stable environment at my home, she has not seen me date much over the six and a half years I have been divorced.  Although I am trying to set a good example for her in relationships since her mother as been married seven times. 

Well, then, I would wait and see what happens when she comes to visit you. I'm not going to get into the God aspect of things, because I don't believe in God...but I still would wait and see how things go when she comes to see you before making any decisions.

Thank You Redfeather.  We are all entitled to our beliefs, and I will not tread on scared ground either. Thanks for your advice.

I'm 25 years old but still depend on my parents financially. I'm still in school so they pay for everything. My parent's are supporting me moving to another state after I graduate and know my boyfriend is heading to the same place. The problem is, They will support me financially if I live alone. They are very traditional and conservative parents. It would be so much smarter and cheaper for both of us to live together where we are moving. New York or San Francisco. They adore him and I know we will eventually get married. How can I convince or encourage them to let me live with him without having them completely disown me and not support me financially? I know I would never be able to afford a place without their help. I don 't have a job and have never been forced to get one until I graduate? PLEASE HELP!

Well you could live with your BF - but without your parents money.  Your parents are being more than generous.  I don't know of too many parents who would financially support their 25 year old child, period.

You've got 2 choice.  Abide by your parents rules since you will be essentially living off of them or live with your BF and risk putting the relationship you have with your parents in jeopardy and living in poverty.  NYC and SFO are incredibly expensive.  You've got no job and no experience and the job market nowadays is not good.  You are being given a gift may people would die for, don't push your luck!

 I am having a really hard time right now in my relationship. I do not know even where to start really i just need some advice i guess. I really love him and want things to work out but he is a drinker. He has had a horible life growing up and i felt so bad for him I figured when we started going out that he just needed some one is his life that cared about him and to love him. It is like he has two personalities. There is the sweet loving guy who would give you the world. Than he gets in these moods where he just has to party. He has provided me and my son a great life with nice things which he himself has never had. He does alot and makes sure that we have what we need to live our lives. When i first meant him he was drinking everyday,could not hold a job,and only cared about him self.I know that he has come along way the drinking is not that much any more he has been working for over a year and is really trying. When he starts drinking through it is a whole nother story. He gets loud and thinks he is the greatest thing that ever walked this earth he will not stop drinking until there is nothing left. He has been arrested for drinking and driving three times and is famous for taking off when he drinks. He gets every nasty and mood swings are horible one minute he will be laughing the next he will be calling you the nasty names in the world.He will lie about anything that he can. He has been trying i know he has but i do not know what to when he does has is break downs. All his friends are the same and he is around them the worse comes out

what do i do i am at my last straw