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Topic : Living Together

Number of Replies: 1608
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:07:28 pm
Author : dataimport
Cohabitation is sometimes a smart (and economical!) way to learn about your compatibilities before taking the plunge. How is living together working for you?

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October 14, 2005, 6:50 pm CDT

For qtpsychic, I hope this helps...

Quote From: qtpsychic

hi, i am new to this board. i'm currently in a relationship, 1 yr. i am 32 and he is 34, and we live together. we started out as roommates and it grew into a relationship. the relationship is rocky at the moment because my b/f thinks i'm not putting in 110% into the relationship. my previous relationship was hell, and my current b/f knew my ex and about the relationship. my ex treated me like dirt, and yet i continued to give him my all. i did anything for him when i really should not have. my current b/f is upset because i don't treat him like i treated my ex. he thinks my ex got the best of me, and he isn't. i explained to him that ever since childhood i was made to feel small, unworthy, ugly, and my parents never showed me any love. i in turn grew up being drawn to men who would treat me badly because that was all i was accustomed to, and seemed comfortable even though i knew it wasn't right. i also explained to my b/f that when i met him and realized that i finally had a good man in my life it was hard to adjust to that. i wasn't use to being treated with love, kindness, generosity and i sometimes don't know how to react. i told him i want to give him that 110% and the best of me because i know he deserves it. i told him i was going to therapy to learn how to let go of my childhood past and give that 110% in the right manner to him. he then retorted with "so i'm suppose to sit around and wait? maybe i should treat you like your ex did, criticize you, not call you back, cheat on you, and then i'll get the best of you because that is comfortable to you right?" i told him i don't want to be treated like that, and i am working on myself to be a better person and give him what he needs within the relationship. we don't sleep in the same bed and are not intimate often, and he says it's because i don't put in that 110%. i do thing's for my b/f such as clean the house, do dishes, offer to do his laundry, i'm there for him if he needs to talk, i cook him his meals 95% of the time, but if i don't want to do something he asks he seems to get upset. how can i put that 110% effort i gave to my negative relationship w/my ex into my current relationship? my b/f said for me to treat him like i treated my ex and everything will be fine, somehow i don't know. please help, thank you.

Thats not fair of him to try to make you give him what you gave your ex... I know what its like being use to a bad thing, and then having a good thing... its hard, but its not because you want it to be hard. 

I would say that you need to sit him down and tell him to tell you what you do for him

  

I know that my b/f told me that respect, caring, and the ability to be able to talk to him meant more then the meals that I cooked or the house work I did. As he put it 'I can get any women off the street that will cook me some food and who will vacuum the house, but I wanted you.' 

  

If he loves you and cares about you, then he should have no problem giving you the time you need to heal and to get past what has happened in you past. I told my boyfriend that when I was in counseling.  What has happened to you in your past just doesn't go away, its not like a door that you can close. The only thing that you can really do for yourself is to except what happened to you, and to move past it into the person that you know you can be. 

  

Him being willing to treat you badly just so he gets rewarded for being a jerk is wrong. Who is he kidding? if he wants to be like that, thats his choice, but he doesn't need to be like that with you. Have him save that crude for the random woman off the street that will cook for him and vacuum for him, and who doesn't want to talk with him. 

 
October 15, 2005, 11:17 am CDT

im a girlfrined that living with somebody

hello my name is wendy and im living somebody that i love very much and we want get married but since we both handicap with govment keep telling us no or yes what can we do get our dream come ture and im a diabeic and at times my eyes sight goes and comes but im scread he wont love anymore if i loss my eyesight please help understand this help me we also have service dog that she been helping me more than him is it fair to him or used her besides him or what
 
October 18, 2005, 3:08 pm CDT

Here's more info

Quote From: gina_nick

Honey, he's into you, just not that into you! Living together is one thing, marriage is a whole other! He likes you to be around, maybe help financially, but he may never marry you. Some people are just that way. They don't want to be married. He may be with you til you die, he just doesn't want to be married! I am not saying I am right or wrong. Just my opinion! 

  

Recently, we talked again, & said he too has thought of a future for us & also gets excited. He said he's thought of having kids as well, but would only want to do it if he could afford to. Then he said he thinks, "Well, no, because I know how I can be", as far as him considering himself a workaholic. I know he's concerned about not being able to be the husband he thinks a husband should be. But I'm not saying he should stop doing what he likes as far as hobbies and work goes. And we agreed that right now, we're both happy with the balance we have between work and seeing each other when we can. He told me "Let's keep trying". He said he's trying to find a balance between us being together and him getting his things done. I did mention living together to which he said is not out of the question, but I'd prefer marriage, kids or no kids. Then I think, my marriage didn't work and this relationship is so much better so maybe living together isn't all that different. I doubt his family would go for it, though. They're old fashioned and I think he might not want them looking down on him. I believe he'd stay with me til I die. Definitely. Am I making too much of this? We love each other very much and share a very special relationship. We've been dating now for 1 year and 6 months, but only having serious talks in the last 5 months. Plus, in the very beginning, we had no idea if it was going to last.
 
October 18, 2005, 3:11 pm CDT

I understand

Quote From: norcal2314

i was just wanting to see if anyone could give me some advice.  My boyfriend and i have been together for 1 year and are currently living together.  we both talk about getting married and our future together, but we both seem to have trust issues.  we met under weird circumstances where i was finishing up ending a previous relationship, so i can understand why he may question it in the back of his mind.  but for some reason i keep questioning him and hes never done anything.  i get so scared of him getting bored and looking elsewhere and when hes with his friends doing things that he wont tell me about, and i cant seem to let go of it.  hes tired of being questioned all the time for no reason and i dont blame him at all, i would be too.  i just didnt realize how much i did it.  i am just curious if any one else has had this type of situation and how they over came it.  this has been the longest relationship hes been in, so he says that should show me something.  which i understand also, i just dont know how to start to overcome my insecurities and fears so i can stop pushing him away.
I understand how you feel. The only thing I'm concerned about is you having said he does things with his friends and doesn't tell you. I see now where your worries are coming from. He should be an open book. A man who has nothing to hide, hides nothing. He needs to tell you what they do. You deserve to know.
 
October 18, 2005, 3:24 pm CDT

More info

Quote From: trinket

  

  

  What part of  " I'm not ready to get married" Don't you get ?   This is a MAN, a real one.  Someone who knows he needs more than just a live in honey to make a home.  He's from the old school, and if you want to keep him-- You better back off the "Bicycle Built for Two".  (It's a song about getting married poor )  let him  

  

 "When I asked him if living together is out of the question, he said no, definitely not. He lives alone and is struggling financially. He said all he thinks about is work and how he can try to get it together." 

  

   LISTEN TO HIM !!!!  

He is old school. I'm not pressuring him. I just wanted to know if he was on the same page as me at all. He recently told me that he too, gets excited when he thinks of a future for us and then said he thinks "Well, no, because I know how I can get" regarding work. I thought I made it obvious that we will still do our own things, living together or not. I see he's concerned about not being good at marriage as he said because of how he thinks he can irritate another person with his work habits and projects & getting wrapped up in them.  He's a creative person and that doesn't bother me at all. He also recently told me he's thought of everything regarding us, including kids. He said "Well, let's keep trying" when I told him I was concerned about us not wanting the same thing in life. I've met his family & like them very much and feel very comfortable with them. He's met my parents. He always includes me in family things. He wants me to meet his aunt and uncle in another state. My problem lies in how long do I wait? I don't want to break up with him. I pray for him every day and for us and have actually gotten some pretty strong spiritual signs that are positive regarding us staying together.  But also, it's cheaper to live together than alone. So that part I don't get.  

 
October 18, 2005, 4:49 pm CDT

Living Together

I am 32, my boyfriend of 1 year & 6 months is 41 and has never been married. I was married once for 3 years. No kids. He's never been in a relationship this long.  We have discussed marriage/living together. When we first began dating, he told me he guesses he won't get married because he's 40 & set in his ways.  At that time, I didn't know if I wanted that anyway, so I didn't think much of it.  Later, he told me he didn't feel like he needed to get married when I asked him months later if he saw a future for us. Then he said he was thinking that "right now" and in the same conversation, when I told him I thought his mentioning of a house now and then had to do with us one day living together, he said, "Oh, well, maybe we will." He sounds confused, doesn't he? He told me he considers himself a workaholic & thinks it would annoy another person. Apparently, him working a lot was an issue with an ex- girlfriend. Other reasons are his age, and that he has no money. He lives alone & is struggling. This relationship is unbelieveably better than my marriage. We've told each other we love each other, he invited me last  Xmas back home to another state for 2 weeks, where I got to know his family. He has a brother (43) and a sister (39). Both married only 4 years ago. Their mom left them when they were all under the age of 10. He's met my parents. When I asked him if living together was out of the question, he said "No, definitely not" and squeezed me. He did tell me I'm on a fast track when I told him I can't date him forever. I know he's afraid...he's mentioned all the people he knows who are divorced, including myself and his and my parents. I recently found out that he's thought of everything for us, including kids. He told me he's a confused person. He said he doesn't like to disappoint people. He goes back & forth about marriage because he's concerned about not being good at marriage or living together, but moreso on marriage. When I recently told him I'm concerned about us not wanting the same thing, he said "Let's keep trying." He's also told me he's trying to find a balance between doing his work/projects and being together. He was surprised to learn that I am currently happy with the balance. I also told him "You're deciding for me", when he told me he didn't think a person would want to put up with his workaholic ways. He then said, "Oh, I didn't think of it like that." Also, he's avoided sex with me in the past because he told me he didn't think he was good at it. He wouldn't last very long & was always apologizing. I always reassured him, because to me, it's about the bond, not pure sex. He would feel as if he disappoointed me. As time went on, he completely loosened up and began initiating sex. I couldn't believe the change in him, based on my reassurance, I think, so it really makes me wonder about him also feeling more confident in us one day marrying/living together & getting over his issues about that. I also remember him telling me, "Oh great, she's coming over and she's going to want to get it on and I won't be able to." Or, he told me sometimes "a person just wants to go to sleep." I told him of course and that we won't always be in the mood, although I always am. Ha! Ha! He mentions things for us to do in the future a lot. Trips, etc. He wants me to meet his aunt and uncle in another state as well. We're together every weekend and have been since we met. He is very sensitive to my feelings & validates me. If I bring something up to him, he is immediately attentive and observant the next time the issue comes around. He's naturally like that. He highly values conversation also and is a very detail oriented person. We talk every day. I found out both of us have never called another person "baby" or "honey", etc. which I think is so sweet. He gives me his undivided attention if I want to talk. He's the most honest person. From the beginning, he was an open book, allowing me to open his mail, see who was calling on caller i.d., hang over his shoulder while he emailed, etc.  

  

My questions is this: Based on my summary, do you see hope and do you think this man needs me to be patient since he's never been married and never dated anyone as long as me, and that maybe I'm rushing things? We've only seriously talked about marriage/living together in the last 6 months, 2 or 3 times. He's obviously  a confused person and has even told me such. I love him dearly & what we have. I'm not afraid of being alone, I'm afraid of not having him in my life. He's the sweetest, most loving man I've ever loved. I treasure our relationship.  We have a wonderful one. But I honestly am concerned about the marriage/living together issue. For me, it's about sharing our lives & being under the same roof and just knowing that that person is going to be there that night.  

 
October 18, 2005, 6:27 pm CDT

Living together

I have been living with my bf for 2 years (together for 3) and I am somewhat ready to leave. He has a hard time communicating and when he gets upset he always says "everything is fine" but I know that when we are ready for bed and I get the "silent treatment" he is not being upfront about his feelings.  To the outside world we have the ideal realtionship but no one knows how mean he can get.   How can you fix yourself if you don't know what you've done to make someone angry, hurt, frustrated?  He can say really cruel things when he finally lets out that he is upset to the point I feel so drained from this relationship that i wonder why I am in it.   I now wonder about his mental state (manic, bi polar) he gives me the world and is generous with my children (from prev marriage) How can i get him to open up to the point that we either stay together or split?  I have a lot to lose by walking away. My children adore him and don't see any of what I mention - he is the only father they can depend on. i asked him was he happy or feeling obligated to stay with me because of my kids. Everyone is putting pressure on him to propose, I am so hurt by his actions that marriage is the last thing on my mind. I am walking on eggshells not to set him off. Help.
 
October 19, 2005, 10:33 pm CDT

brand new life

Hi everyone. I was very lost the last time I posted a message. I had been going through some tough times the past 7 years. I am just writing to let everyone know that I am doing sooo much better now. I am in therapy with a really good counselor. She started me on this book "Learning to tell myself the truth" by William Backus. It is so strange how easy it has been to change the way I think. I know realize that nothing in my past makes me feel the way I do today. It is so amazing how simple the concepts he talks about are but how life changing they have been for me and in turn for my boyfriend. I am so thankful that I made the step to get help and am now feeling much much better. Thank you to everyone who read my message and gave me advice. It really helps to know that I am not the only one feeling the way I am.....everone has problems. Thanks again.
 
October 23, 2005, 6:49 pm CDT

hard to keep from crying

my boy firend and i got into a big fight on October 14, 2005. ANd he hit me he was so drunk he was haullicating from it. Now hes left town. I was hoping Jim  charles grant III, born july 16, 1964. I dint mean to make him think i had a boyfriend i just wanted him to talk to me. I know i was stupid. I know we should of kept  the communication open. I have never loved or cared about anyone like him.  he is so sweet caring loving and easy tot alk to when he doesnt drink. all i want is to work this out i wasnt perfect in the relationship eith. his sister flew him from arkansas. i told her i had a boyfriend to see if jim was right about her if she couldnt be trusted he was right. he told me alot that she thinks are lies maybe she doesnt want to hear the truth 

I f anyone sees him please help me find him  

  

 
November 1, 2005, 1:18 pm CST

I'm in the same boat...kind of

Quote From: mizzthomas

I have been living with my bf for 2 years (together for 3) and I am somewhat ready to leave. He has a hard time communicating and when he gets upset he always says "everything is fine" but I know that when we are ready for bed and I get the "silent treatment" he is not being upfront about his feelings.  To the outside world we have the ideal realtionship but no one knows how mean he can get.   How can you fix yourself if you don't know what you've done to make someone angry, hurt, frustrated?  He can say really cruel things when he finally lets out that he is upset to the point I feel so drained from this relationship that i wonder why I am in it.   I now wonder about his mental state (manic, bi polar) he gives me the world and is generous with my children (from prev marriage) How can i get him to open up to the point that we either stay together or split?  I have a lot to lose by walking away. My children adore him and don't see any of what I mention - he is the only father they can depend on. i asked him was he happy or feeling obligated to stay with me because of my kids. Everyone is putting pressure on him to propose, I am so hurt by his actions that marriage is the last thing on my mind. I am walking on eggshells not to set him off. Help.
I have been with my bf for almost 3 years as well. Only he is the one with kids. I met him on a blind date when I was in college. He is 8 years older than me and has a very different upbringing than me. I have graduated from college and he never graduated from high school. We both have different views of how a relationship should work. He thinks that it's healthy to be on the phone all the time and constantly checking my personal email to see who I am talking to. I thought that all of this would stop, but it's only gotten worse. He over reacts about things and then doesn't tell me that he is upset. Then we get in a fight and it all comes out. Not to mention, we decided not to live together temporarily. He was sitting at home by himself and decided that he wanted to meet someone else. He cheated on me twice with the same person. She also has a son and a similar upbringing to him...He can't trust me, and he wants me to get upset and jealous if he talks to anyone, and always wants to know who I am talking to. The last temporary breakup was a couple of months ago and I started talking to someone I knew from high school. He got wind of this a freaked out. Not because he is an ex, but because he didn't want to know that I was talking to someone else. Nothing happened and it was just a few conversations on the phone, but i pay for it everyday. He doesn't trust me and I don't know why. When I was in college I had lots of friends. i had study groups that I had to go to, adn there are bound to be guys in my classes. This also didn't fly with him and I cut off all contact with friends that were guys and even girl friends because of him. Again, I am feeling like he is jealous of a longtime friend who doesn't even live in the same state. What is the deal. Can someone shed some light on where I went wrong, and how to get out, or change what's wrong.
 
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