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Topic : Love Being Single

Number of Replies: 393
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:07:56 pm
Author : dataimport
Are you single and loving it? Share your story with other happy singles!

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January 15, 2006, 9:30 am CST

WHoops!

Quote From: singer7

"This forum is for those who are trying to make themselves believe that they are happy being single. So you should respect their space." 

  

If that's true???  

Why are people responding to her and trying to help? 

Why are YOU posting on both this board and the TOBS board?? 

I'm sure glad there were some caring people on here to support her posts!  

Hang in there Lindz! The feeling of "I'm never going to find anyone else" will pass! It just takes some adjustment time.  

Sherrie 

Opps! I thought that statement was for Lindz. I guess it was for Jim............who seems a little aggrivated w/single people. My bad! Sorry! I should have looked a little closer at who was sending what! 

Sherrie 

 
January 15, 2006, 9:40 am CST

Tie a knot in your rope and hang on!

Quote From: gerryok

I have just broken up with my boyfriend for the third time in 6 years. He has a drug problem and I keep beleiving him when he says he has it under control. When I go back to him all the old habits resurface. I know I am better off without him but cannot shake the feeling that I am not going to find someone else....

I felt this way right after I divorced. It will pass.  

I never dated a drug addict, but someone very close to me used to be one. Trust me, there's nothing you can do to help them get sober. They MUST do it on their own!!! Once they become a drug addict, you are no longer dating that person..............you are dating the drug. Addicts that have a loving spirit can be addictive. I've had so many friends say they love "him" when he's not on drugs. Or, He's so different when he's not high/drunk.  Do you want your partner to love something more than you? Right now, he does. Putting up w/his addiction will only hurt him and YOU!  Could you try to get help from alanon or some type of counseling along those lines? It couldn't hurt? I hope things get better for you! 

Sherrie 

 
January 17, 2006, 8:57 pm CST

Never been happier

 well i never thought that i could be soo happy right now... after what i went through... but lets just say i am always going out with the girls every friday and saturday night... and we have a blast... im doing soo much stuff that i would not be doing if i was dating someone thats for sure... but all in all  its great... dont get me wrong i still miss the guy and everything... but who needs someone like that... i have met a few people, but im not ready to be tied down again... i am really enjoying the single life right now and im going to keep it that way for a while... and also work takes up lots of my time as well... but i would also like to say thanx for the poeple that helped me and they know who they are...  i just thought that i would let you know that im doing great now...  

bye bye  

lindz 

 
January 18, 2006, 7:16 am CST

Good for you!!!

Quote From: lgostola

 well i never thought that i could be soo happy right now... after what i went through... but lets just say i am always going out with the girls every friday and saturday night... and we have a blast... im doing soo much stuff that i would not be doing if i was dating someone thats for sure... but all in all  its great... dont get me wrong i still miss the guy and everything... but who needs someone like that... i have met a few people, but im not ready to be tied down again... i am really enjoying the single life right now and im going to keep it that way for a while... and also work takes up lots of my time as well... but i would also like to say thanx for the poeple that helped me and they know who they are...  i just thought that i would let you know that im doing great now...  

bye bye  

lindz 

Great news! That's so good to hear! You are doing great! You can have sooooo much fun for a very long time while you heal! 

Have a great day! 

Sherrie 

 
January 30, 2006, 4:26 pm CST

Thought I'd try dating again & now I need advise!

Hi everyone!  I'm new here and on the dating scene.  I'm having a dilemma with myself on dating and I need some advise, so here is my story:

    

 

I just turned 50 earlier this month and I'm a working, single mom and have been for 21-1/2 years.  I have one child, a son that will be 23 this year.  I haven't dated in over 15 years, and the dates that I had then were "fix ups" and most didn't go past first date, although there was one that was in luuuvvv with me after the first date and he immediately wanted to marry me (so he could tick off his newly divorced ex-wife).  Needless to say I was more focused on being a good mom and protecting my son and myself against nutballs like that, so I haven't dated until now. 

   

 

My son is grown now, working and going to college and still living with me.  We get along and the arrangement works well with us, but I'm also encouraging him to leave the nest because I think it is time to experience life and learn to be independent.

  

 

Back in September a guy that I met briefly asked me out for a date, and we did the movie and the dinner thing.  We talked and talked and I enjoyed it, so we agreed to see more of each other.  He has been divorced over 10 years and has two grown sons.  We shared info about our past relationships along with our views on various important topics such as religion/faith/beliefs, family, childhood, health, etc., and found out that we agree on some and not on others.    I was comfortable with our dates as long as it was just a social arrangement, but then we kissed and then more.

   

 

My problem is we went to fast and I foolishly gave into being intimate without making the emotional and spiritual connection that I need and want.  He keeps saying that he wants to have all that too, but he doesn't want another female "friend"  and that he expects the sex too - but on the other hand he tells me that I set the relationship and if I'm not comfortable with it, then we will slow down and/or back off.  However, when we do have a date and we are alone, sex is all he talks about and seems to want.   Just last night he said "didn't I tell you that when I kiss a woman it is an invitation for more?"   No, you didn't tell me that!  But I sure found out.

   

 

Some concerns I have with this guy is his impulsivity frightens me.  For instance he was willing to marry a woman from another country so she could stay here and get her green card.  He changes jobs frequently so he is always at the starting rung of the ladder;  I'm working on my 32nd year of my career.    I'm a Christian and he says he is agnostic (believes in God, but not sure which God) and then says he supports me in my faith, would never do anything to hinder my faith, and wants to attend Church with me because he is a "seeker"  - but lately he has been throwing up my faith as a problem with me not giving in and having sex as often as we can because he can't believe in a God that would punish me for doing something so pleasurable.  We argue about God, religion and faith a lot now.  He is liberal, I'm conservative;  I was celibate for most of my divorced life (with the exception of an attempted reconciliation with my ex) and now him; he said that the longest time he stayed celibate was 2 years.   He would be happy living in a van or anywhere or pick up and go anywhere, but I've never lived outside the state and area I'm in and most of my relatives are here. 

  

 

There have been a few times where he has brought up marriage, and says he will do this and that when we are married, and community property... what's his mine and what mine is his....but I'm the one making more money, and has more household, personal property and a car...while he shares an apartment with a couple and only has a few personal thing, a bed and a TV, and no car.  "I don't believe in a prenuptial agreements, it is a sign that the couple doesn't trust each other".   I'm thinking "that's easy for you to say because there is nothing for me to take materially and monetarily from you, but I have a lot to lose if things don't work out"  (notice I said thinking and not saying).  But then again I hear him talk about how money and material things are that big a deal to him.  He also has asked about my life and health insurance, and my retirement - I SEE BIG RED FLAGS NOW.

   

 

He and my son have butted heads a couple of times.  My son is very conservative and they disagree on most political and ideological issues.   I feel caught in the middle. 

   

 

We have been talking about the direction of our relationship and the more I say no marriage, let's slow down, lets be friends because my gut and heart are saying end this, he is not right for you,  but the more I back away, the closer he wants to get and more urgent his seeming need for me is.   It's funny because I laughing asked him on our first date if he was going to be like my last one and want to immediately marry me.

  

 

Here is what I'm feeling:  I know this man is the one for me as I don't have the spiritual and emotional connection with him I want and need, plus I feel uneasy about someone who after 4 or 5 dates is already asking about my financial matters and community property. 

  

 

I feel rushed, pressured and smothered.  I like me, and I like spending time with me and feel panicked to think of him invading my space.....IS THAT NORMAL? My heart pounds, my pulse races, I get short of breath and can't find words to speak when I think of marrying now, but not any crazy romantic way - and I'm hoping it is just because this guy is not right for me.  I was ok being on my own, and if Mr. Right didn't come along then ok, now I'm doubting on what I would really want in a man. 

  

 

I have discovered through this dating experience that  I often can't seem to find the right words to express what I want to say especially about my feelings and I'm the kind of person that doesn't like to express complaints because I don't want to hurt his feelings.  I feel like I don't know how to date. 

  

 

Some women would be happy with this person, who is witty, interesting, adventurous, that wants to get it on 24-7 free spirit that dreams of retirement in a nudist camp.   Don't get me wrong, I love and enjoy intimacy, but I need more than just the act itself and I don't feel a passion for this man that I would want to have for a "soul mate".  He talks about wanting to support me, comfort me, hold me but I don't feel comfortable opening up and letting go to have him do it.    He keeps saying opposites attract, and that he enjoys our differences because it is more interesting and less boring; he likes that I am strong and independent.  But how much independence do I give up if I feel like I'm carrying the load to support myself, my son and him?  A few minor differences I can manage, but too many major ones have made me doubtful and fearful.  He admits to having nothing to give but emotional support, comfort and care but then he tells me he will never say “I love you” first, because he would have to hear me say it first, so he could remove his “emotional checks” to allow himself to love me.  He also told me that if I don’t want an intimate relationship, then let us end it now and walk away with good memories….so to that I am saying thank you and goodbye…when I get my courage up to open my sweet little ‘ol polite mouth.

   

 

How do overcome my problem of not being able to express my feelings and complaints?  How do I not clam up when I need to speak up?      Am I being overly concerned about material things rather than emotional needs?    

   

 

I'm a stressed, clamed-up mess.  Help me out please!   Sorry about being so long winded and wordy. 

 

 

 

tegan3

  

 

  

  

  

  

 
January 30, 2006, 8:52 pm CST

If only everyone else knew

    When I was in music school, I found that so many of the males I was in school with  were homosexual or they acted like a super male. I had a lot of work to do so I just focused on school. Throughout the years, I have dated but I frequently heard that I am "intimidating (?!!!!?)." Another common "problem" is I don't catch on when someone is interested - I am OK with this. Furthermore, longtime male friends would only show interest when I was going through a difficult life situation - their interest seemed out of the blue. I see big life changes as the worst time for getting into  a relationship.
    I never thought that I would be single at 30 but I am and I really like it now. I have so many things to do and I enjoy my life. I had to quit music a little bit ago and start over by going back to school. I don't know that it would have been possible if I were in a relationship.
    The worst part is that many people see me as flawed because I do not have someone. The one thing that I have struggled with is my mother worries alot about it. She even said that she wished that I was less strong and a little more needy. She sees everything as an opportunity to make a great catch and get that man...a man...ANY MAN. She also believes that I should live my life so that I am equipped as much as I can be for that catch. She also tries to figure out why I am single - that is the big question for alot of people. 
    While I am happy that I am single, those around me aren't. The older I get, the more amusing it becomes. This issue is becoming a real tug-of-war but I am winning. I guess that the best way to sum up is that I am OK with life as it is because I am really not prepared to do anything that would put me in a relationship. Maybe after grad school I will try.
 
January 31, 2006, 11:43 am CST

Love Thyself more

For years I couldn't figure out what was going wrong. I am a beautiful, funny, intelligent and kind woman. I have not been on a date for years. When a man approches it's a booty call. ((Boring)) If I  wanted to date an adolesent I would have done it when I was one not when I am 44 and a grandmother. I am really looking and needing an adult relationship with a man. (Don't get me wrong I love sex) But don't you have to earn the right of passage.  

  

So I finally got the theripy I need after all These years. I just found out I am still making the same mistakes. Not as bad as I did with the father of my children but I am still trying to buy their love with my kindness. Most people by the way think I am stupid because I have a kind nature. Probably because they can take advantage of it. So now I have the finger on the problem. It's new territory for me and I am not sure where or how to make the change but maybe I am not there yet. At least I know I have to change. It really does all come down to self asteem. 

  

Learning 

 
February 1, 2006, 10:25 am CST

What made me cynical

Quote From: lovingone

I have read your posts all over these message boards and I hope I can find love and get married before I become THAT cynical.  But as far as this statement you made goes, I would have to say you are right.  I just don't think you should have posted it in this forum. This forum is for those who are trying to make themselves believe that they are happy being single. So you should respect their space.
You're right.  It's sad that I'm THAT cynical.  I used to believe that American women were sugar and spice.  Now I know they use and abuse.  I don't see how anyone can be happy being single.  I can see feminists trying to convince themselves into happiness.  Just remember that even Gloria Steinem got married-years after she told women that men were not necessary.
 
February 5, 2006, 7:38 am CST

Being single rocks!

Quote From: bye2oboe

    When I was in music school, I found that so many of the males I was in school with  were homosexual or they acted like a super male. I had a lot of work to do so I just focused on school. Throughout the years, I have dated but I frequently heard that I am "intimidating (?!!!!?)." Another common "problem" is I don't catch on when someone is interested - I am OK with this. Furthermore, longtime male friends would only show interest when I was going through a difficult life situation - their interest seemed out of the blue. I see big life changes as the worst time for getting into  a relationship.
    I never thought that I would be single at 30 but I am and I really like it now. I have so many things to do and I enjoy my life. I had to quit music a little bit ago and start over by going back to school. I don't know that it would have been possible if I were in a relationship.
    The worst part is that many people see me as flawed because I do not have someone. The one thing that I have struggled with is my mother worries alot about it. She even said that she wished that I was less strong and a little more needy. She sees everything as an opportunity to make a great catch and get that man...a man...ANY MAN. She also believes that I should live my life so that I am equipped as much as I can be for that catch. She also tries to figure out why I am single - that is the big question for alot of people. 
    While I am happy that I am single, those around me aren't. The older I get, the more amusing it becomes. This issue is becoming a real tug-of-war but I am winning. I guess that the best way to sum up is that I am OK with life as it is because I am really not prepared to do anything that would put me in a relationship. Maybe after grad school I will try.
 I can totally relate to your situation. I am now 42(!!) and LOVE being single. I too tired of people asking "why aren't you married?" I think most people are concerned out of love and want you to be happy ( as if marriage=happiness, look at the divorce rate), so just thank them for there opinion and move on.You are the only one that knows in your heart what you need for yourself at this time. 30 is still quite young, just enjoy your freedom. I really don't care if I marry, if it happens it happens. It would have to be one hell of a guy!
Peace, Trudy
 
February 5, 2006, 7:49 am CST

Love Being Single

Quote From: tegan3

Hi everyone!  I'm new here and on the dating scene.  I'm having a dilemma with myself on dating and I need some advise, so here is my story:

    

 

I just turned 50 earlier this month and I'm a working, single mom and have been for 21-1/2 years.  I have one child, a son that will be 23 this year.  I haven't dated in over 15 years, and the dates that I had then were "fix ups" and most didn't go past first date, although there was one that was in luuuvvv with me after the first date and he immediately wanted to marry me (so he could tick off his newly divorced ex-wife).  Needless to say I was more focused on being a good mom and protecting my son and myself against nutballs like that, so I haven't dated until now. 

   

 

My son is grown now, working and going to college and still living with me.  We get along and the arrangement works well with us, but I'm also encouraging him to leave the nest because I think it is time to experience life and learn to be independent.

  

 

Back in September a guy that I met briefly asked me out for a date, and we did the movie and the dinner thing.  We talked and talked and I enjoyed it, so we agreed to see more of each other.  He has been divorced over 10 years and has two grown sons.  We shared info about our past relationships along with our views on various important topics such as religion/faith/beliefs, family, childhood, health, etc., and found out that we agree on some and not on others.    I was comfortable with our dates as long as it was just a social arrangement, but then we kissed and then more.

   

 

My problem is we went to fast and I foolishly gave into being intimate without making the emotional and spiritual connection that I need and want.  He keeps saying that he wants to have all that too, but he doesn't want another female "friend"  and that he expects the sex too - but on the other hand he tells me that I set the relationship and if I'm not comfortable with it, then we will slow down and/or back off.  However, when we do have a date and we are alone, sex is all he talks about and seems to want.   Just last night he said "didn't I tell you that when I kiss a woman it is an invitation for more?"   No, you didn't tell me that!  But I sure found out.

   

 

Some concerns I have with this guy is his impulsivity frightens me.  For instance he was willing to marry a woman from another country so she could stay here and get her green card.  He changes jobs frequently so he is always at the starting rung of the ladder;  I'm working on my 32nd year of my career.    I'm a Christian and he says he is agnostic (believes in God, but not sure which God) and then says he supports me in my faith, would never do anything to hinder my faith, and wants to attend Church with me because he is a "seeker"  - but lately he has been throwing up my faith as a problem with me not giving in and having sex as often as we can because he can't believe in a God that would punish me for doing something so pleasurable.  We argue about God, religion and faith a lot now.  He is liberal, I'm conservative;  I was celibate for most of my divorced life (with the exception of an attempted reconciliation with my ex) and now him; he said that the longest time he stayed celibate was 2 years.   He would be happy living in a van or anywhere or pick up and go anywhere, but I've never lived outside the state and area I'm in and most of my relatives are here. 

  

 

There have been a few times where he has brought up marriage, and says he will do this and that when we are married, and community property... what's his mine and what mine is his....but I'm the one making more money, and has more household, personal property and a car...while he shares an apartment with a couple and only has a few personal thing, a bed and a TV, and no car.  "I don't believe in a prenuptial agreements, it is a sign that the couple doesn't trust each other".   I'm thinking "that's easy for you to say because there is nothing for me to take materially and monetarily from you, but I have a lot to lose if things don't work out"  (notice I said thinking and not saying).  But then again I hear him talk about how money and material things are that big a deal to him.  He also has asked about my life and health insurance, and my retirement - I SEE BIG RED FLAGS NOW.

   

 

He and my son have butted heads a couple of times.  My son is very conservative and they disagree on most political and ideological issues.   I feel caught in the middle. 

   

 

We have been talking about the direction of our relationship and the more I say no marriage, let's slow down, lets be friends because my gut and heart are saying end this, he is not right for you,  but the more I back away, the closer he wants to get and more urgent his seeming need for me is.   It's funny because I laughing asked him on our first date if he was going to be like my last one and want to immediately marry me.

  

 

Here is what I'm feeling:  I know this man is the one for me as I don't have the spiritual and emotional connection with him I want and need, plus I feel uneasy about someone who after 4 or 5 dates is already asking about my financial matters and community property. 

  

 

I feel rushed, pressured and smothered.  I like me, and I like spending time with me and feel panicked to think of him invading my space.....IS THAT NORMAL? My heart pounds, my pulse races, I get short of breath and can't find words to speak when I think of marrying now, but not any crazy romantic way - and I'm hoping it is just because this guy is not right for me.  I was ok being on my own, and if Mr. Right didn't come along then ok, now I'm doubting on what I would really want in a man. 

  

 

I have discovered through this dating experience that  I often can't seem to find the right words to express what I want to say especially about my feelings and I'm the kind of person that doesn't like to express complaints because I don't want to hurt his feelings.  I feel like I don't know how to date. 

  

 

Some women would be happy with this person, who is witty, interesting, adventurous, that wants to get it on 24-7 free spirit that dreams of retirement in a nudist camp.   Don't get me wrong, I love and enjoy intimacy, but I need more than just the act itself and I don't feel a passion for this man that I would want to have for a "soul mate".  He talks about wanting to support me, comfort me, hold me but I don't feel comfortable opening up and letting go to have him do it.    He keeps saying opposites attract, and that he enjoys our differences because it is more interesting and less boring; he likes that I am strong and independent.  But how much independence do I give up if I feel like I'm carrying the load to support myself, my son and him?  A few minor differences I can manage, but too many major ones have made me doubtful and fearful.  He admits to having nothing to give but emotional support, comfort and care but then he tells me he will never say “I love you” first, because he would have to hear me say it first, so he could remove his “emotional checks” to allow himself to love me.  He also told me that if I don’t want an intimate relationship, then let us end it now and walk away with good memories….so to that I am saying thank you and goodbye…when I get my courage up to open my sweet little ‘ol polite mouth.

   

 

How do overcome my problem of not being able to express my feelings and complaints?  How do I not clam up when I need to speak up?      Am I being overly concerned about material things rather than emotional needs?    

   

 

I'm a stressed, clamed-up mess.  Help me out please!   Sorry about being so long winded and wordy. 

 

 

 

tegan3

  

 

  

  

  

  

 I think you should get away from this guy asap. You can and will find someone who has the same values...just take your time! Trust your gut, it sounds like it's shouting at you, listen to it!! Plus the so called relationship is moving way too fast, I'm just glad you are finding these things out about him now instead of down the road.
good luck!! peace
 
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