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Topic : Love Being Single

Number of Replies: 393
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:07:56 pm
Author : dataimport
Are you single and loving it? Share your story with other happy singles!

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February 9, 2006, 1:03 pm CST

listen....

Quote From: tegan3

Hi everyone!  I'm new here and on the dating scene.  I'm having a dilemma with myself on dating and I need some advise, so here is my story:

    

 

I just turned 50 earlier this month and I'm a working, single mom and have been for 21-1/2 years.  I have one child, a son that will be 23 this year.  I haven't dated in over 15 years, and the dates that I had then were "fix ups" and most didn't go past first date, although there was one that was in luuuvvv with me after the first date and he immediately wanted to marry me (so he could tick off his newly divorced ex-wife).  Needless to say I was more focused on being a good mom and protecting my son and myself against nutballs like that, so I haven't dated until now. 

   

 

My son is grown now, working and going to college and still living with me.  We get along and the arrangement works well with us, but I'm also encouraging him to leave the nest because I think it is time to experience life and learn to be independent.

  

 

Back in September a guy that I met briefly asked me out for a date, and we did the movie and the dinner thing.  We talked and talked and I enjoyed it, so we agreed to see more of each other.  He has been divorced over 10 years and has two grown sons.  We shared info about our past relationships along with our views on various important topics such as religion/faith/beliefs, family, childhood, health, etc., and found out that we agree on some and not on others.    I was comfortable with our dates as long as it was just a social arrangement, but then we kissed and then more.

   

 

My problem is we went to fast and I foolishly gave into being intimate without making the emotional and spiritual connection that I need and want.  He keeps saying that he wants to have all that too, but he doesn't want another female "friend"  and that he expects the sex too - but on the other hand he tells me that I set the relationship and if I'm not comfortable with it, then we will slow down and/or back off.  However, when we do have a date and we are alone, sex is all he talks about and seems to want.   Just last night he said "didn't I tell you that when I kiss a woman it is an invitation for more?"   No, you didn't tell me that!  But I sure found out.

   

 

Some concerns I have with this guy is his impulsivity frightens me.  For instance he was willing to marry a woman from another country so she could stay here and get her green card.  He changes jobs frequently so he is always at the starting rung of the ladder;  I'm working on my 32nd year of my career.    I'm a Christian and he says he is agnostic (believes in God, but not sure which God) and then says he supports me in my faith, would never do anything to hinder my faith, and wants to attend Church with me because he is a "seeker"  - but lately he has been throwing up my faith as a problem with me not giving in and having sex as often as we can because he can't believe in a God that would punish me for doing something so pleasurable.  We argue about God, religion and faith a lot now.  He is liberal, I'm conservative;  I was celibate for most of my divorced life (with the exception of an attempted reconciliation with my ex) and now him; he said that the longest time he stayed celibate was 2 years.   He would be happy living in a van or anywhere or pick up and go anywhere, but I've never lived outside the state and area I'm in and most of my relatives are here. 

  

 

There have been a few times where he has brought up marriage, and says he will do this and that when we are married, and community property... what's his mine and what mine is his....but I'm the one making more money, and has more household, personal property and a car...while he shares an apartment with a couple and only has a few personal thing, a bed and a TV, and no car.  "I don't believe in a prenuptial agreements, it is a sign that the couple doesn't trust each other".   I'm thinking "that's easy for you to say because there is nothing for me to take materially and monetarily from you, but I have a lot to lose if things don't work out"  (notice I said thinking and not saying).  But then again I hear him talk about how money and material things are that big a deal to him.  He also has asked about my life and health insurance, and my retirement - I SEE BIG RED FLAGS NOW.

   

 

He and my son have butted heads a couple of times.  My son is very conservative and they disagree on most political and ideological issues.   I feel caught in the middle. 

   

 

We have been talking about the direction of our relationship and the more I say no marriage, let's slow down, lets be friends because my gut and heart are saying end this, he is not right for you,  but the more I back away, the closer he wants to get and more urgent his seeming need for me is.   It's funny because I laughing asked him on our first date if he was going to be like my last one and want to immediately marry me.

  

 

Here is what I'm feeling:  I know this man is the one for me as I don't have the spiritual and emotional connection with him I want and need, plus I feel uneasy about someone who after 4 or 5 dates is already asking about my financial matters and community property. 

  

 

I feel rushed, pressured and smothered.  I like me, and I like spending time with me and feel panicked to think of him invading my space.....IS THAT NORMAL? My heart pounds, my pulse races, I get short of breath and can't find words to speak when I think of marrying now, but not any crazy romantic way - and I'm hoping it is just because this guy is not right for me.  I was ok being on my own, and if Mr. Right didn't come along then ok, now I'm doubting on what I would really want in a man. 

  

 

I have discovered through this dating experience that  I often can't seem to find the right words to express what I want to say especially about my feelings and I'm the kind of person that doesn't like to express complaints because I don't want to hurt his feelings.  I feel like I don't know how to date. 

  

 

Some women would be happy with this person, who is witty, interesting, adventurous, that wants to get it on 24-7 free spirit that dreams of retirement in a nudist camp.   Don't get me wrong, I love and enjoy intimacy, but I need more than just the act itself and I don't feel a passion for this man that I would want to have for a "soul mate".  He talks about wanting to support me, comfort me, hold me but I don't feel comfortable opening up and letting go to have him do it.    He keeps saying opposites attract, and that he enjoys our differences because it is more interesting and less boring; he likes that I am strong and independent.  But how much independence do I give up if I feel like I'm carrying the load to support myself, my son and him?  A few minor differences I can manage, but too many major ones have made me doubtful and fearful.  He admits to having nothing to give but emotional support, comfort and care but then he tells me he will never say “I love you” first, because he would have to hear me say it first, so he could remove his “emotional checks” to allow himself to love me.  He also told me that if I don’t want an intimate relationship, then let us end it now and walk away with good memories….so to that I am saying thank you and goodbye…when I get my courage up to open my sweet little ‘ol polite mouth.

   

 

How do overcome my problem of not being able to express my feelings and complaints?  How do I not clam up when I need to speak up?      Am I being overly concerned about material things rather than emotional needs?    

   

 

I'm a stressed, clamed-up mess.  Help me out please!   Sorry about being so long winded and wordy. 

 

 

 

tegan3

  

 

  

  

  

  

You sound as if you are TOTALLY in touch with what you need and want. You are NOT overly concerned with material needs if the guy you are with represents a potential threat to YOUR material needs. Listen to your heart as well as your head; it sounds as if they are speaking the same language! 

greetings from "Austria" 

  

 
February 13, 2006, 10:34 am CST

Do I really love being single?

I'm not sure anymore what it is that I love. I do enjoy the freedom. I can come and go as I please but at the same time I miss having someone. I work with the public so I'm being asked out a lot but I always end up just pushing it aside because I think I'm happy just being me and without a man. Deep down though I know I would like to try the dating sene again..Its been over 2 years since I've been in a so-called relationship. Just the thought of it all terrifies me. I think that if I were to start dating some one, I may miss out on something else....I guess it all just goes back to getting hurt and not being able to fully overcome it..I don't know....thanks for listening though!
 
February 14, 2006, 8:07 am CST

Love Being Single

Quote From: shesmiles2

I'm not sure anymore what it is that I love. I do enjoy the freedom. I can come and go as I please but at the same time I miss having someone. I work with the public so I'm being asked out a lot but I always end up just pushing it aside because I think I'm happy just being me and without a man. Deep down though I know I would like to try the dating sene again..Its been over 2 years since I've been in a so-called relationship. Just the thought of it all terrifies me. I think that if I were to start dating some one, I may miss out on something else....I guess it all just goes back to getting hurt and not being able to fully overcome it..I don't know....thanks for listening though!
I am the same way.  I love being single because I don't have to give of myself or worry about getting hurt again.  I have been single for 3 years after being married for 16 years.  I have 2 kids ages 7 and 11 and I was hurt badly and still am not over it.  My problem is that I am in a relationship with a very sweet guy, but I cannot tear that wall down around my heart.  How do I know if it is because he is not the right guy and I could be missing out on meeting Mr. Right someday or if I will not be able to open up my heart to anyone.  How do you know if someone is right for you?  And more important, how do you let that wall down so you can give someone a chance?
 
February 14, 2006, 2:16 pm CST

Are we ment to be single?

I  wonder if some of us are ment to be single.  I sometimes think of myself as a stepping stone.  Somebody that helps others get to where they are suppose to be while I end up alone.  I do miss being in a relationship, especially because I work in the public and I see couples all the time.  And people ask me why I'm single and I don't really know why.  Is it because I'm picky or is it because I am a stepping stone for others?
 
February 14, 2006, 2:25 pm CST

Love Being Single

Quote From: jwasson

I am the same way.  I love being single because I don't have to give of myself or worry about getting hurt again.  I have been single for 3 years after being married for 16 years.  I have 2 kids ages 7 and 11 and I was hurt badly and still am not over it.  My problem is that I am in a relationship with a very sweet guy, but I cannot tear that wall down around my heart.  How do I know if it is because he is not the right guy and I could be missing out on meeting Mr. Right someday or if I will not be able to open up my heart to anyone.  How do you know if someone is right for you?  And more important, how do you let that wall down so you can give someone a chance?
I wish I had the answer to your question.  I have wondered when I've met nice guys and as soon as things start to get too close I back away. (I refuse to be hurt again) But then I live with the constant thoughts...was he the right one, did I throw away something good.  I make up excuses that if it was the right one I would know it, I wouldn't back away.  But I have to wonder, would I know it...or am I blind to love.
 
February 14, 2006, 11:52 pm CST

Happy Being Single

I can honestly say that I'm happy being single.  But let me explain why . . .  I live in a small town in Pennsylvania and there is a serious "male drought" in this town.  I'm happy being single because the men around here aren't worth my time.   I am not asking for much but around here things like jobs and cars and goals are rare and scarce.  I get hit on often but when I get to know the guy, I find out that he's a loser.  Does anyone else have these same problems? 

 
February 15, 2006, 7:06 pm CST

Love Being Single

Quote From: jwasson

I am the same way.  I love being single because I don't have to give of myself or worry about getting hurt again.  I have been single for 3 years after being married for 16 years.  I have 2 kids ages 7 and 11 and I was hurt badly and still am not over it.  My problem is that I am in a relationship with a very sweet guy, but I cannot tear that wall down around my heart.  How do I know if it is because he is not the right guy and I could be missing out on meeting Mr. Right someday or if I will not be able to open up my heart to anyone.  How do you know if someone is right for you?  And more important, how do you let that wall down so you can give someone a chance?
Once you do put that wall up it sure is hard to let it down...that's so true. I'm like you, I wonder if I will ever get past that and be able to let someone in again. I don't wanna get hurt again and I sure don't want to hurt anyone because I know first hand how it is to love someone so much and they break your heart like that. This past couple weeks I've had about five different guys ask me out...but I just can't do it. I also tend to find something wrong with each of them when I know that's just part of that wall I've got up so I wont let myself be interested in them. There is one guy, a very good friend of mine that I think maybe I could let him in but I'm so afraid that I may hurt him, and he has been hurt many times and I don't want to bring that pain upon him again. So I keep it as friends and make sure that he knows that all we are and will be is friends. What gets me sometimes is that I'm afraid that I may enjoy the life of being single so well that I will never let another guy in. Gosh, it's so confusing...lol
 
February 17, 2006, 3:00 am CST

Free to be Me

Quote From: stepstone

I  wonder if some of us are ment to be single.  I sometimes think of myself as a stepping stone.  Somebody that helps others get to where they are suppose to be while I end up alone.  I do miss being in a relationship, especially because I work in the public and I see couples all the time.  And people ask me why I'm single and I don't really know why.  Is it because I'm picky or is it because I am a stepping stone for others?
I too am a stepping stone. Over the last 10 years, 5 of the 6 men I dated fairly seriously married the next girl they dated after me. I wonder what that says about me..... :) I don't really care, actually. I also have a tendoncy to bring the ex-wife or ex-girlfriend out of the woodwork. I warned the last guy I started to get serious with about a year ago about this and sure enough, the very next day his ex-girlfriend who he hadn't heard from in 6 months called out of the blue and began harassing us. Over the last 2 years I have begun to see the joys of being truly single, meaning no boyfriend or anything. I get to make all of the decisions and not worry what anyone else wants. I don't have to put up with anyone's psycho ex. I also don't have to worry about anyone else thinking they have any input when it comes to my kids and that is a BIG issue with me. I put way too much time and effort into figuring out what is best for them to let some lame brained man come along and think he is going to take over. I know there are good men out there, but I just don't have the energy anymore to weed through and find them. I love being free!!!!
 
February 18, 2006, 5:12 pm CST

Thought I was the only STONE out there

Quote From: hope2faith

I too am a stepping stone. Over the last 10 years, 5 of the 6 men I dated fairly seriously married the next girl they dated after me. I wonder what that says about me..... :) I don't really care, actually. I also have a tendoncy to bring the ex-wife or ex-girlfriend out of the woodwork. I warned the last guy I started to get serious with about a year ago about this and sure enough, the very next day his ex-girlfriend who he hadn't heard from in 6 months called out of the blue and began harassing us. Over the last 2 years I have begun to see the joys of being truly single, meaning no boyfriend or anything. I get to make all of the decisions and not worry what anyone else wants. I don't have to put up with anyone's psycho ex. I also don't have to worry about anyone else thinking they have any input when it comes to my kids and that is a BIG issue with me. I put way too much time and effort into figuring out what is best for them to let some lame brained man come along and think he is going to take over. I know there are good men out there, but I just don't have the energy anymore to weed through and find them. I love being free!!!!

I just had to comment on your gals little notes on here...I feel the same way and have for years,it has become a running joke for me.I am the official matchmaker for ex-wives...want your man back?Let me date him for a couple months..and you will have him back in no time..Sounds too funny,but oh so true!!! Anyhow,Girls,just thought I would drop a line to let ya'll know you ain't the only Captain in this,forever-lost-at-sea-sometimes-feels-like-it's-sinkin-Ship... 

  As for me and My House though...this is a No Man's land...By Choice. 

  Have a Wonderful& Happy Day!  God Bless. 

 
February 19, 2006, 10:20 pm CST

The Ex Magnets

Quote From: nunyabiz

I just had to comment on your gals little notes on here...I feel the same way and have for years,it has become a running joke for me.I am the official matchmaker for ex-wives...want your man back?Let me date him for a couple months..and you will have him back in no time..Sounds too funny,but oh so true!!! Anyhow,Girls,just thought I would drop a line to let ya'll know you ain't the only Captain in this,forever-lost-at-sea-sometimes-feels-like-it's-sinkin-Ship... 

  As for me and My House though...this is a No Man's land...By Choice. 

  Have a Wonderful& Happy Day!  God Bless. 

Too funny! I thought I was the only ex magnet. It's nice to see someone else who is content to be living in "No Man's Land" rather than boo-hooing about not having a man. I mean, isn't the topic of this board "Love Being Single"?
 
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