Quote From: tegan3Hi everyone! I'm new here and on the dating scene. I'm having a dilemma with myself on dating and I need some advise, so here is my story:
I just turned 50 earlier this month and I'm a working, single mom and have been for 21-1/2 years. I have one child, a son that will be 23 this year. I haven't dated in over 15 years, and the dates that I had then were "fix ups" and most didn't go past first date, although there was one that was in luuuvvv with me after the first date and he immediately wanted to marry me (so he could tick off his newly divorced ex-wife). Needless to say I was more focused on being a good mom and protecting my son and myself against nutballs like that, so I haven't dated until now.
My son is grown now, working and going to college and still living with me. We get along and the arrangement works well with us, but I'm also encouraging him to leave the nest because I think it is time to experience life and learn to be independent.
Back in September a guy that I met briefly asked me out for a date, and we did the movie and the dinner thing. We talked and talked and I enjoyed it, so we agreed to see more of each other. He has been divorced over 10 years and has two grown sons. We shared info about our past relationships along with our views on various important topics such as religion/faith/beliefs, family, childhood, health, etc., and found out that we agree on some and not on others. I was comfortable with our dates as long as it was just a social arrangement, but then we kissed and then more.
My problem is we went to fast and I foolishly gave into being intimate without making the emotional and spiritual connection that I need and want. He keeps saying that he wants to have all that too, but he doesn't want another female "friend" and that he expects the sex too - but on the other hand he tells me that I set the relationship and if I'm not comfortable with it, then we will slow down and/or back off. However, when we do have a date and we are alone, sex is all he talks about and seems to want. Just last night he said "didn't I tell you that when I kiss a woman it is an invitation for more?" No, you didn't tell me that! But I sure found out.
Some concerns I have with this guy is his impulsivity frightens me. For instance he was willing to marry a woman from another country so she could stay here and get her green card. He changes jobs frequently so he is always at the starting rung of the ladder; I'm working on my 32nd year of my career. I'm a Christian and he says he is agnostic (believes in God, but not sure which God) and then says he supports me in my faith, would never do anything to hinder my faith, and wants to attend Church with me because he is a "seeker" - but lately he has been throwing up my faith as a problem with me not giving in and having sex as often as we can because he can't believe in a God that would punish me for doing something so pleasurable. We argue about God, religion and faith a lot now. He is liberal, I'm conservative; I was celibate for most of my divorced life (with the exception of an attempted reconciliation with my ex) and now him; he said that the longest time he stayed celibate was 2 years. He would be happy living in a van or anywhere or pick up and go anywhere, but I've never lived outside the state and area I'm in and most of my relatives are here.
There have been a few times where he has brought up marriage, and says he will do this and that when we are married, and community property... what's his mine and what mine is his....but I'm the one making more money, and has more household, personal property and a car...while he shares an apartment with a couple and only has a few personal thing, a bed and a TV, and no car. "I don't believe in a prenuptial agreements, it is a sign that the couple doesn't trust each other". I'm thinking "that's easy for you to say because there is nothing for me to take materially and monetarily from you, but I have a lot to lose if things don't work out" (notice I said thinking and not saying). But then again I hear him talk about how money and material things are that big a deal to him. He also has asked about my life and health insurance, and my retirement - I SEE BIG RED FLAGS NOW.
He and my son have butted heads a couple of times. My son is very conservative and they disagree on most political and ideological issues. I feel caught in the middle.
We have been talking about the direction of our relationship and the more I say no marriage, let's slow down, lets be friends because my gut and heart are saying end this, he is not right for you, but the more I back away, the closer he wants to get and more urgent his seeming need for me is. It's funny because I laughing asked him on our first date if he was going to be like my last one and want to immediately marry me.
Here is what I'm feeling: I know this man is the one for me as I don't have the spiritual and emotional connection with him I want and need, plus I feel uneasy about someone who after 4 or 5 dates is already asking about my financial matters and community property.
I feel rushed, pressured and smothered. I like me, and I like spending time with me and feel panicked to think of him invading my space.....IS THAT NORMAL? My heart pounds, my pulse races, I get short of breath and can't find words to speak when I think of marrying now, but not any crazy romantic way - and I'm hoping it is just because this guy is not right for me. I was ok being on my own, and if Mr. Right didn't come along then ok, now I'm doubting on what I would really want in a man.
I have discovered through this dating experience that I often can't seem to find the right words to express what I want to say especially about my feelings and I'm the kind of person that doesn't like to express complaints because I don't want to hurt his feelings. I feel like I don't know how to date.
Some women would be happy with this person, who is witty, interesting, adventurous, that wants to get it on 24-7 free spirit that dreams of retirement in a nudist camp. Don't get me wrong, I love and enjoy intimacy, but I need more than just the act itself and I don't feel a passion for this man that I would want to have for a "soul mate". He talks about wanting to support me, comfort me, hold me but I don't feel comfortable opening up and letting go to have him do it. He keeps saying opposites attract, and that he enjoys our differences because it is more interesting and less boring; he likes that I am strong and independent. But how much independence do I give up if I feel like I'm carrying the load to support myself, my son and him? A few minor differences I can manage, but too many major ones have made me doubtful and fearful. He admits to having nothing to give but emotional support, comfort and care but then he tells me he will never say “I love you” first, because he would have to hear me say it first, so he could remove his “emotional checks” to allow himself to love me. He also told me that if I don’t want an intimate relationship, then let us end it now and walk away with good memories….so to that I am saying thank you and goodbye…when I get my courage up to open my sweet little ‘ol polite mouth.
How do overcome my problem of not being able to express my feelings and complaints? How do I not clam up when I need to speak up? Am I being overly concerned about material things rather than emotional needs?
I'm a stressed, clamed-up mess. Help me out please! Sorry about being so long winded and wordy.
tegan3
You sound as if you are TOTALLY in touch with what you need and want. You are NOT overly concerned with material needs if the guy you are with represents a potential threat to YOUR material needs. Listen to your heart as well as your head; it sounds as if they are speaking the same language!
greetings from "Austria"
