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Topic : 12/28 What Would Robin Do?

Number of Replies: 216
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Created on : Thursday, October 12, 2006, 05:59:44 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 10/17/06) Dr. Phil’s better half weighs in on all your burning questions! Kasey says her husband, Nathan, controls all their money, even though she earns 40 percent of their income, and his controlling behavior is wreaking havoc on their marriage. She has to live on $20 a day, show him receipts for every cent spent, and she's not allowed to have access to their bank accounts. Nathan says his wife is lethal with cash and spends too frivolously. Robin shares what happened when Dr. Phil tried putting her on a budget! Then, Paul promised his wife, Linda, that a certain family tradition wouldn't take place at their wedding. Paul broke his promise and played the prank anyway. Eighteen years later, Linda says she still holds a grudge and feels like she can't trust him. Can Paul get her to forgive and forget? Next, Robin goes undercover and puts "the world's biggest doormat" to the test. Will this “people pleaser” learn to stand up for herself? And, Robin honors an inspirational woman. Join the discussion.

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October 15, 2006, 5:29 pm CDT

I am no man's chattle

I've been with John for over 37 years and he tries that business from time to time and I will not have it.  I have worked just as hard if not harder to make this life be the best we can have and if I want to take $60 to the flea market with me, I take $60 with me to the flea market.  He can bark about money all he wants to.  He smokes like a freight train and loves to be intoxicated on a regular basis and all he wants to do is sit out on the screened in porch with his sports TV.  After working most of my life and rearing two wonderful children, I deserve to be treated with respect and trust.  I have earned this life and I'm going to enjoy what's left of it.  Hugs from Florida
 
October 15, 2006, 5:34 pm CDT

Reforming Doormat

Yes, I am a guilty of being one of those women who was a doormat to her husband for years!!  (19 total years/13 married) We decided with the birth of our first child that I would be a stay-at-home mom and give up working outside the home.  Becoming a mother was new enough, but after paying my own way thru college and working since I was in high school, it was an adjustment to get used to the idea of having 'no money'.  When my husband came home one day a few weeks after the birth of our first child and stated that it should not be to much to ask to have the house cleaned and dinner on the table when he came home.  Yes, I argued that with him about what era he was from, but the tone was set.  He worked, I didn't, and he got to continue his life as if he did before kids ... I was expected to deal with it because he was worth more than me (in his eyes) because he brought home the paycheck.  He began to feel like he was enititled to whatever he wanted and that because I did not earn money that I was beneath him.  Anyway, he controlled all of our money, savings, investments, etc.  Over time the behavior to entitlement escalated until I received a call one day from him talking dirty and of course the call was not meant for me, but for another woman!  It took me three months to get access to our phone bills because he had changed everything into his name and had passwords to deny me access.  After finally getting copies of the phone bills and confronting him I was finally able to see what a DOORMAT I had been all these years and could no longer deny it.  After many attempts over the years to make our relationship work, I had reached my breaking point.... either counseling or he had to leave.  He was unwilling to have to deal with the his betrayal and face a counselor so he moved out. 

 

I have been going to a psychologist for the last year and it has made a huge difference!   He still trys to make me feel like he is better than me, but I am stronger now.   We are going through the divorce process.  He continues to pay the bills and still wants be to validate every expense.  He also gets upset that I have my cell phone going to voice mail  (I do this so that I can calmly reply to any of his inquests)  I am looking forward to the day that the divorce is settled and he will no longer have access to my finances.  I am very frugal with my money and know that we will be fine.

 

Although it is hard our two children, I have found a new strength.  I want them to have a good relationship with their father.  They have no idea of the details of the divorce.  I stay positive with the kids about their dad,  my heart breaks knowing that he didn't think even try to prevent them from the pain of a divorce by trying counseling.  But not going to counseling was the deal breaker for me.  I could no longer be a doormat for my husband, and the cheating was the last straw.  I knew that I wanted to set a better example for my kids because I don't want them to growup either being a doormat for someone else or treating someone else like a doormat

 

To anyone, male or female, who is currently being treated as a doormat - life is better when you are in control of opening your own door and not someone treating  you like a doormat.

 

Reforming Doormat

 
October 15, 2006, 5:56 pm CDT

money

I THINK THAT THERE ARE A LOT MORE PROBLEMS THAN WITH JUST THE MONEY GOING ON DON'T YOU? . CONTROL ISSUES----THAT HAVE GONE A LITTLE TO FAR OVER THE EDGE.

 BACK IN THE DAY WHEN MY HUSBAND WAS LAST LAID OFF I TO WROTE DOWN WHAT WE SPENT. BUT WE DID IT TOGETHER. I STILL KEEP TRACK = OR MINUS A FEW FOR ME TO SEE WHERE THE MONEY GOES(LIKE EXTRA'S AKA THE DENTIST, THE CAR, THE HOUSE.)

BUT I DO IT FOR ME.I DONT THINK I WOULD LIKE TO BE TOLD THAT I HAD TO, AS I ALSO BRING HOME A PAYCHECK,NOT AS MUCH AS HIS THO.

 
October 15, 2006, 6:03 pm CDT

10/17 What Would Robin Do?

Quote From: mollymouce

No way in hell would she stand for that.  What woman should.  Just reading that irates me.  If my husband ever tried that with me, I would show him where the door was.  Obviously, any man that would have that attitude, view women in a non favorable light.  Why stand for that.

 

Talk about going back to the dark ages. 

 

I'll stay single, thank you

Not all men are like that, i know because I have the most wonderful husband in the world and as we will be entering our 14th year of marriage, he is still as awesome as the day I married him, very generous, great husabnd and father and trusts me as his wife and I trust him. Marriage is beautifula nd a great experience when the two respect and honor one another.
 
October 15, 2006, 6:47 pm CDT

Not sure what to do

I saw Robin this morning on the Crystal Cathedral and many things she said stuck with me so this is my What would Robin do question.

I have been married for 3 1/2 years and I have a 9 month old son. My husband hates if I spend anytime with my family. I have to fight with him everytime I want to see my mom, dad, brothers or grandparents.  This has caused me to be extremely resentful towards him as I feel he is controlling me. I have a great relationship with my family and would love to have them just "drop in" for coffee but he comes up with an argument even if they are just coming by to drop something off.  I have been seeing a councilor in regards to the matter but he refuses to go. I don't want to break up our family but how long can I go on.

 
October 16, 2006, 4:48 am CDT

put down your foot

Quote From: waihini1

I get NOTHING from my husband- well should say I get grocery money to buy food so I can cook for him each night, but as far as him paying "my bills"?

I dont work, not for the lack of trying to get work- I have applied for OVER 200 jobs in the past yr alone (yes I keep track), but that doesnt matter to the husband, he refuses to financially support me, never has, tells me never will.

I am basically the unpaid housekeeper, cook, laundress, yard worker, secretary, and sex slave to him, he has NO respect for what I do for him at all and doesnt SEE all I do for him either. I wish he would give me that whopping 20$ a day like the other women gets, at least that would help pay my bills (yes I have bills, and kids and grandkids that I have to get things for from time to time)

Look at it this way, you are still in alot better situation than I am. so count what blessings you do have.

I count mine as in having a place to live and food to eat, and that is better than what some people have.

I would like to count having a husband that supports me in all aspects of marriage, not just financially.

I keep praying for a miracle!

     when I first got married 11 years ago I handed over my paycheck to my husband, until i found we were over $1000 behind on rent and were behind by the same amount on the utilities.(he was buying video games and the like)

 Well! I told him flat I'm out the door , I took the kids and went to a friend's. He had the choice,either I dealt with the money here on in  or he could sink or swim on his own.

 i'm here 9 years later.

   We work it this way, I figure out the bills,and pay them, do the grocery shopping(coupons and all) and put what we need in the bank (for savings,etc.)  and split the rest for spending. I always show him what's been paid and if he wants  things  done differently he tells me and we discuss it.  I look at it this way, our family has  what it needs,and we get some of what we want and it's fair. No, he doesn't have all the games and stuff he wants, but he has  aroof over his head, food and electricity to play the games he has. Sometimes you have to put your foot down.

 

 

 
October 16, 2006, 6:12 am CDT

You can't be serious...

Quote From: waihini1

I get NOTHING from my husband- well should say I get grocery money to buy food so I can cook for him each night, but as far as him paying "my bills"?

I dont work, not for the lack of trying to get work- I have applied for OVER 200 jobs in the past yr alone (yes I keep track), but that doesnt matter to the husband, he refuses to financially support me, never has, tells me never will.

I am basically the unpaid housekeeper, cook, laundress, yard worker, secretary, and sex slave to him, he has NO respect for what I do for him at all and doesnt SEE all I do for him either. I wish he would give me that whopping 20$ a day like the other women gets, at least that would help pay my bills (yes I have bills, and kids and grandkids that I have to get things for from time to time)

Look at it this way, you are still in alot better situation than I am. so count what blessings you do have.

I count mine as in having a place to live and food to eat, and that is better than what some people have.

I would like to count having a husband that supports me in all aspects of marriage, not just financially.

I keep praying for a miracle!

Where does this clown of a husband of yours get off? Slavery was abolished years ago but it appears neither one of you heard. This "unpaid housekeeper, cook, laundress, yard worker, secretary, and sex slave" gig sounds like a sweet deal for him and a nightmare for you. And childishly "praying for a miracle", will never change anything.

A more pragmatic idea would be to plan your own miracle to get out from under this 18th century despot's thumb. Get that job, contact some agencies, beg, borrow or steal the money, do whatever you must and split.

Desperate times call for desperate measures, unless you're just seeking sympathy. Until you actually try to change your situation, I doubt you'll find much.

 
October 16, 2006, 7:15 am CDT

Stay close to your family

Quote From: soccergirl2

I saw Robin this morning on the Crystal Cathedral and many things she said stuck with me so this is my What would Robin do question.

I have been married for 3 1/2 years and I have a 9 month old son. My husband hates if I spend anytime with my family. I have to fight with him everytime I want to see my mom, dad, brothers or grandparents.  This has caused me to be extremely resentful towards him as I feel he is controlling me. I have a great relationship with my family and would love to have them just "drop in" for coffee but he comes up with an argument even if they are just coming by to drop something off.  I have been seeing a councilor in regards to the matter but he refuses to go. I don't want to break up our family but how long can I go on.

Stay close to your family, my ex & I live in a state away from my family and he has not traveled with me and the kids it two years to visit any of my family.  He had always made negative comments about my family which caused me to withdraw from them more and more.  This was just another way for him to gain more control over me.  My family, then our money, how I kept the house... men who are controlling start with one thing and as the years go by they keep adding up more ways to control you.  The isolation from my family grew and I felt that I couldn't turn to them and had to hide from them how controlling he was.  When our marriage hit the breaking point they were there for me.  A close friend has even commented to me that I speak much kinder of my family now.  It's great that you are going to counseling!! Keep up the counseling!  Keep it touch with your family as much as you can.  Stay close to them because they will help you from getting more isolated as the years go by.  You are not 'breaking up" your family.  Only you know how long you can go on.... I hung on for over 13 years ... Although my children no longer have a mother and father living together in one house... they see him often and on a day to day basis they see a stronger more confident mother that does not have her energy drained from being someone else's doormat... Good Luck and STAY CLOSE to you family!!!
 
October 16, 2006, 7:51 am CDT

Wpmen as doormats!

I suggest that you speak to your husbands and make it clear that you are NOT doormats, marriage is aboout love and committment between husabnd and  wives and if you are not getting this, it is time to do something about it, we teach people how to treat us and as long as husbands are aloud to treat you as slaves and with disrespect, he isn't gonna change. you are adults, not children and not slaves so maybe it's time for women doormats to take control of their own lives.

As a  stay at home mom myself, I have absolutely every right to go to my husabnd and gett he money that I need, I have every right to go to the bank and get waht I need, I have every right to do as I feel to for I am a responsisble adult witha  family to take care of. I might not bring home a paycheck, but I am the one who cleans, cooks, does laundry, go to the grocery store, feeds the kids, bathes them and whatever else, lucky me, I do have a husband who helps me but he doesn't dare make me feel uselessa nd like a piece of property.

Those of you slaving for your husabnds and getting nothing back, well stop doing for him, don't cook, don't do his laundry, don't give him the pleasure of sex. Sex is a form of intimacy to show your love, not a chore or a task that is demanded, go after the respect that you deserve.

There are jobs out there that any one can do, gee, I would go be a bagger at my local grocery store before I allow some man treat me like a slave and disrespect everything I do. I know for some this all might seem easier said then done, but get help, do whatever you can to get out of the situation,just don't be a doormat, you deserve better.
 
October 16, 2006, 7:54 am CDT

10/17 What Would Robin Do?

Quote From: soccergirl2

I saw Robin this morning on the Crystal Cathedral and many things she said stuck with me so this is my What would Robin do question.

I have been married for 3 1/2 years and I have a 9 month old son. My husband hates if I spend anytime with my family. I have to fight with him everytime I want to see my mom, dad, brothers or grandparents.  This has caused me to be extremely resentful towards him as I feel he is controlling me. I have a great relationship with my family and would love to have them just "drop in" for coffee but he comes up with an argument even if they are just coming by to drop something off.  I have been seeing a councilor in regards to the matter but he refuses to go. I don't want to break up our family but how long can I go on.

 This uy is a conrol freak and no way would I allow him to control me, let him gruno and complain, go see your family. I beleive the marriage relationship comes first but that doesn't mean that family does'nt come into the picture, tell him to chill or go get a life while you are at yourfamilies house, if he loves you, then he start respecting you and getting over himself.

It's good that you are going to counseling, continue to help your self but you are not goin gt o change, he has to do that but you don't have to be his doormat, he is manipulating you and controlling you, stand up for yourself....................
 
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