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Topic : 12/28 What Would Robin Do?

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Created on : Thursday, October 12, 2006, 05:59:44 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 10/17/06) Dr. Phil’s better half weighs in on all your burning questions! Kasey says her husband, Nathan, controls all their money, even though she earns 40 percent of their income, and his controlling behavior is wreaking havoc on their marriage. She has to live on $20 a day, show him receipts for every cent spent, and she's not allowed to have access to their bank accounts. Nathan says his wife is lethal with cash and spends too frivolously. Robin shares what happened when Dr. Phil tried putting her on a budget! Then, Paul promised his wife, Linda, that a certain family tradition wouldn't take place at their wedding. Paul broke his promise and played the prank anyway. Eighteen years later, Linda says she still holds a grudge and feels like she can't trust him. Can Paul get her to forgive and forget? Next, Robin goes undercover and puts "the world's biggest doormat" to the test. Will this “people pleaser” learn to stand up for herself? And, Robin honors an inspirational woman. Join the discussion.

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October 16, 2006, 5:17 pm CDT

10/17 What Would Robin Do?

Quote From: broker1

Open up your own checking account today and gradually put your money in and eventually you should have enough.  If he gives you money to buy something, buy, bring it home, then return it

and get the money and deposit it your account.  When you have enough, stand on your own two feet and tell him what you expect and that you are not going to tolerate it anymore.  You do not have to be greedy just practical and if you can demonstrate to him that  your practrical, he no doubt will loosen up, if not, pack up all you can and move out while he is at work. " If you want me back", it's on my terms and if that does not work, you do not need him anyway.  There are still plenty of good men out there.

I wouldn't advise anyone to be sneaky and unless she has a track record of being irresponsible with money, she shouldn't have to prove that she can be practical. What wrong with declaring the relationship open for renegotiation NOW, and demanding equity in all matters, including financial? A man who needs to retain that much control, and is unwilling to compromise in a relationship is not worth keeping. It will cost him a whole lot more if she leaves him, and I'm sure he knows that.
 
October 16, 2006, 5:27 pm CDT

I am a Mom and Grandma...married 35 years...

Quote From: jettav

When are people in this society gonna realize that marriage is about a committment between 2 people who are loving, caring and trrusting of one another. Marriage takes communicationa nd getting along and on the same page to have a good, solid marriage. I thank God often that I am marriaed to a loving and caring guy who knows and believes that I, his wife has a big part in our marriage and it is not all about him (and vice versa), we are int his marriage together and when we need something form one anotehr, we approach it and we get it, The money in the bank belongs to both of us and I don't even bring in an income, bu you b et if I need something I am gonna get and i don't have to ask, I am not a child, nor am I beneath my husband, I am his mate, partnera nd we are int his together, and he is a wonderful father and knows that it is his place to help take care of the kiddos, we both said I do, not just one of us. Husbands, love and respect and honor your wives and treat her as a human being with dignity, you would be surprised on the pay back, and that goes the same for women, treat and honor one another and get off the high horse and stop acting like a father to your spouse and a selfish punk, your marru=iage will  defiently fall.

Of course, with out accountability and trust, it won't work either, be responsible in the marriage and use your brain and not do something stupid like over spending and taking one anotehr for granted, communicate and come up with an agreement that wll work for both of you and wives, you DON"T have to allow your husband to treat you like a doormat, you are adults and yes, you are aloud to have a checking/savings account, your paycheck has YOUR name on it, not his, therefore take yorself to the bank and start the account and I encourage this for those of you with a spouse who doesn't honor and respect you as his wife. The guy is manipulating and causing strife within your marriage if he is treating you as a no body and you don't have to take it.

Now, no one has to come on here and tell me any different because I know for a fact that my way works because I am in a happy and loving marriage going on 14 years and my husband treats me with love and dignity, and honors me and appreciates every good thing about me and vice versa, why? because we are spouses, not children, we are in this marriage together and we are here for life, giving our children the best examples of what a real and true relationship is about. other then a brother, I have the longest running marriage in my family, every one  else is divorced and unhappy, why? because of their selfish pride and the idea that they were either doormats or the husband thought he ruled every aspect of the woman, sorry guys, but a woman has her own mind and there is no reason for you to take it over and disrespect her. get over yourselves and treat with your wife like a spouse instead of a doormat, believe me, it is well worth the time and effort.

I have always taken care of the bills...I made a few bad mistakes with bills...but my husband still makes me do the bill paying...he gets angry that I spend too much...but never helps me with them...I don't want to complain too much...but it is hard for me now when he is semi-retired...and his pension from work was changed to 300.00 less a month as he never told me that amount would end as it was a severance pay from his former 25 year employment shutdown...Robin what should I do??? I never worked full time...do not have career.  I volunteer...but get bored easily...when I worked part-time we would owe money to IRS...so my husband would take out more from his pay...so I could work...dumb stuff....we never got ahead with my working...I had to buy a car once to work...then business closed down.   I lost the job we had a bill...in exchange...

I know you are going to say I should go to school for career...but I do not do well in school...

I cannot remember what I read....I have always had that problem.  Maybe I am lazy...but house work keeps me very busy....I love to read despite my problem with it.  I know this has nothing to do with your show but I just needed to show the other side...when a man doesn't care how I pay just that I do...I am trying to control my spending...but I do want to look nice...I do not wear makeup...so do not spend money on that...I don't drink...or smoke...just buy stuff for grandkids...and myself...and we have 9 grandkids...so bills can be high for them alone...

Now lower pay...and higher bills...for insurances (home & car)...electric...I don't even go get a Starbucks Frappacino anymore....I don't go to mall...like I used to...oh well...thank you for letting me vent...I put this in the wrong place I know...God Bless...

 
October 16, 2006, 6:50 pm CDT

10/17 What Would Robin Do?

Quote From: julie1418

If you are married, it shouldn't matter who makes more money.  What my husband and I do is each take so much money per month as our "mad money". We can spend, save, or even burn that money however we see fit, the other person has no say. You SHOULD go to counseling and you should definitely work out a budget together that includes discretionary spending for each of you.
 I agree. marriage is not 50/50, it is 100% on both sides. Both husband and wife runs the household bills up, electric, gas, rent/mortgage, groceries, whatever. Those type of bills should not be divided up. I can see putting both paychecks together, putting it in the bank and giving each an allowance. It's nice to be in a marriage where the spouses look at each other with respect and they work together, it makes a whole lot of sense to me and it works.
 
October 16, 2006, 6:55 pm CDT

10/17 What Would Robin Do?

Quote From: czinger62

Splitting it down the middle is fair ONLY, and ONLY if you BOTH earn the exact same money...benefits and all.   What if your hubby makes 4 times more money than you?  it's not fair to split it down the middle then.  

 

When my DH and I married, I was making 1/3 of the joint income, so we sat down and totalled up the necessities of life:  Rent, Transportation, Food, Clothing, Retirement, Savings.   We both contributed to our joint expenses based on our compensation  2/3 from him, 1/3 from me.  Every year, with every raise and changes...we'd review and adjust.   Everything left over after we paid the joint expenses was ours to play with.  I resented sometimes that he had MUCH MORE discretionary income than me.  However, anytime I asked for something over and beyond my fun money...I got it., so there was no trouble there. 

 

Now I'm a stay at home mom so Hubby is paying 100 percent of everything.  Again, we re-ivaluated and reviewed the budget and budgeted fun money for both of us.    Hubby recognizes that though I may not be bringing home the dollars, I AM contributing IN KIND with taking care of our home and our child.    My hubby knows how much it costs to hire a professional maid, cook, child care provider, and petsitter...so he doesn't complain one bit.   

 

CC

 

Stay at home mom's deserve to be treated with love and respect from their husband's. there is no such thing as mine and yours when it comes to taking care of a home and children. Myhusband feels the samw way as your, he could hure some one to do everyhting that I do but he prefers not, therefore he respects and honors me as his wife and I reccomend all spouses to do this, you could get more rewards then you could ever think, :)
 
October 17, 2006, 1:08 am CDT

Be happy...Whatever works for the two of you.

Quote From: julie1418

If you are married, it shouldn't matter who makes more money.  What my husband and I do is each take so much money per month as our "mad money". We can spend, save, or even burn that money however we see fit, the other person has no say. You SHOULD go to counseling and you should definitely work out a budget together that includes discretionary spending for each of you.

I agree that two married people should work out a plan that they both agree with.  I don't believe one should be solely responsible for the bills all the time.  What would happen if one were to become ill?  The other one would need to know the itenerary of how and what to do with the bills.  If you have enough money that you can both get "mad money" out of it that's great but spend it wisely...nothing lasts forever.  If you can look at your money situation as just one portion of what a marriage is then maybe it wouldn't seem so overwhelming to some.  

Remember what Dr. Phil says,  "Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?"  I'll take happy any day of the week.....I've been Right far too long. 

Good luck!

 
October 17, 2006, 7:08 am CDT

Push-over? *Raises hand* .. lol!

I can relate to being a bit of a push-over.  lol!  In some situations, I quite simply just want to avoid a confrontation.  I can't wait to see today's show.  It looked so funny in the commercials when a waiter took away a woman's sandwich before she was finished eating.
 
October 17, 2006, 7:16 am CDT

A simple solution.... skip joint checking

Just because your'e married doesn't mean you have to have joint checking.  My husband and I have been married for more than 2 years and have been a couple for 4 years and we have never had joint checking.  I am more than willing to pay my share of the household expenses, but I was single far to long to ask anybody's permission to spend my own money.  I understand how this wouldn't work if your a stay at home mom though
 
October 17, 2006, 7:19 am CDT

What was he like before you were married?

Quote From: sunnyandcher

I have read the posts and must say I am  quite shocked at some of the responses!  I knew that Nathan and I had problems but didn't think they were so out of control! Looking from the outside in, I can see the issue of control. Nathan doesn't see it as a problem, he says he doesn't want to control the money or budget but that I force him to. We don't make the same amount of money, so it wouldn't be fair to split bills down the middle. I work full time, take care of my 6 year old, and clean the house! Maybe I should get a bill together for all the housework I do and present it to Nathan. We have yet to sit down and go over a budget together! I told him that we have to get back into counseling before our marriage is over. Thanks for all of your support.
 Hello, Luv!
Many women(men) think they can change the 'intended' once they are married.  But, by the time a man or woman is marriageable, behavior patterns are set............or there'd be no business for the shrinks.  What's more, people ALWAYS tell you who they are, and you should listen, listen, listen.  The hormone thingie passes, and what's left is business.  What that business entails, should be worked out before the dotted line is signed.  Too late for that now. 
If you love this man, then make all efforts to gain counseling together.  If he refuses, that's a clue.  We have one life, we should seek it to be fulfilled. 

I don't know if your problem is real or imagined by Nathan, but HE MOST CERTAINLY has a problem with control.  You're not his puppet on his string, you're an equal partner, with equal responsibilities and equal opportunities when it comes to decisions.  He needs someone to help him grow up, but that won't be you.  Get some help for yourself if he refuses to go to counseling with you, and make him an offer he can't refuse or, hopefully, won't.

Some time ago someone figured out how much the 'master of house' would pay in wages if he had to reimburse for everything the 'drudge/wife' does for him in the home.  Nathan would not be a happy camper if you were to start charging him.

So, luv, take charge of YOUR life, look at all the angles and make your move.  Life goes by so fast.

 
October 17, 2006, 8:02 am CDT

10/17 What Would Robin Do?

I don't think that you should have seperate checking accounts for a husband and a wife.  Both husband and wife should have access to the money to get what they need to get.  Now I do the finances for me and my husband but in no way shape or form does he have to ask my permission if he wants to buy something.  Usually he will call me if it is over $50 to make sure that I don't mind which I don't.  I guess the reason that we never fight about money is neither of us are selfish.  Usually if we want to get something it is for OUR house, OUR cars, or OUR kid. 

 

If he tells me oh I think I need some more work clothes then I will just go out and get them for him or if I need some then I will go get some.  There is no me, me, me or I, I, I, in our household and I think that is where these people are getting frustrated over and fighting over.  Once your bills are paid and you have put money aside who cares what one person spends the money on. 

 
October 17, 2006, 8:24 am CDT

Stop the "Disease To Please"

For Sheri and anyone who can relate to her problem, there is a great book out that addresses this. If you want to learn how to stop being a doormat without turning mean, check out the book "The Disease To Please" by author Harriet B. Braiker, Ph.D. I am not connected to the author or paid by her, just a fan of her books. Another good one by her is: "Who's Pulling Your Strings?" This one deals with breaking the cycle of manipulation and regaining control of your life. I come from a family that thrives on manipulation and this book is a godsend!
 
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