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Topic : 12/28 What Would Robin Do?

Number of Replies: 216
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Created on : Thursday, October 12, 2006, 05:59:44 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 10/17/06) Dr. Phil’s better half weighs in on all your burning questions! Kasey says her husband, Nathan, controls all their money, even though she earns 40 percent of their income, and his controlling behavior is wreaking havoc on their marriage. She has to live on $20 a day, show him receipts for every cent spent, and she's not allowed to have access to their bank accounts. Nathan says his wife is lethal with cash and spends too frivolously. Robin shares what happened when Dr. Phil tried putting her on a budget! Then, Paul promised his wife, Linda, that a certain family tradition wouldn't take place at their wedding. Paul broke his promise and played the prank anyway. Eighteen years later, Linda says she still holds a grudge and feels like she can't trust him. Can Paul get her to forgive and forget? Next, Robin goes undercover and puts "the world's biggest doormat" to the test. Will this “people pleaser” learn to stand up for herself? And, Robin honors an inspirational woman. Join the discussion.

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October 17, 2006, 9:01 am CDT

how's that workin for ya?

i watched the show this morning along with my husband and sorry dr. phil we sided with robin.  in fact he said he would have done the exact same thing she did to youand all ready knows i would.  but as for a budgit that is diffentally joint.  at the moment i'm the only one with an income because he had to stay home to take care of me when i had complications with my diseases. it hasn't been easy but we understand better than ever that it has to be done together and with a lot of compromise, adjustments and totall comminication.  we don't always get it right but we keep trying and learn from our mistakes.  and have learned that we've got to make the hard choices at times as well. part of which we've learned from both you and robin.  oh yeah....one of dr. phil's famous phrases is now a part of our lives: "how's that workin for ya?"    slow but sure-thanks  ebby_m   

 
October 17, 2006, 9:33 am CDT

10/17 What Would Robin Do?

Quote From: denzangel

I don't think that you should have seperate checking accounts for a husband and a wife.  Both husband and wife should have access to the money to get what they need to get.  Now I do the finances for me and my husband but in no way shape or form does he have to ask my permission if he wants to buy something.  Usually he will call me if it is over $50 to make sure that I don't mind which I don't.  I guess the reason that we never fight about money is neither of us are selfish.  Usually if we want to get something it is for OUR house, OUR cars, or OUR kid. 

 

If he tells me oh I think I need some more work clothes then I will just go out and get them for him or if I need some then I will go get some.  There is no me, me, me or I, I, I, in our household and I think that is where these people are getting frustrated over and fighting over.  Once your bills are paid and you have put money aside who cares what one person spends the money on. 

My husband and I have been together for 17 years, and we have never argued over money. We both work and adjust our schedules accordingly to take care of our 6 year old. We both have our own checking accounts, and we also have a joint checking account. We put money into our joint account to pay the household bills, but he rest of our money goes into our individual accounts. We do not control in any way how each other spends their money.

 

I hear so many here talk about marriage being "one." I couldn't disagree more. Marriage is a combination of two who walk the same journey in life. Individuality should never be given up in a marriage.

 

This board never ceases to amaze me regarding the BS that women put up with in their relationships. So many women seem to tolerate unhealthy relationships, rather than stand up and confront their husbands. It's sad.

 
October 17, 2006, 9:36 am CDT

10/17 What Would Robin Do?

Quote From: mistyc

Just because your'e married doesn't mean you have to have joint checking.  My husband and I have been married for more than 2 years and have been a couple for 4 years and we have never had joint checking.  I am more than willing to pay my share of the household expenses, but I was single far to long to ask anybody's permission to spend my own money.  I understand how this wouldn't work if your a stay at home mom though
If both spouses are working......AGREED! Why combine all money if you don't have to? You can still reach the same goals in life with separate accounts. And one of these goals is "hapiness." I don't think many find that with 100% of the money combined. But that's just me, and it's worked for 17 years now.
 
October 17, 2006, 9:49 am CDT

10/17 What Would Robin Do?

Quote From: mrszorn

If both spouses are working......AGREED! Why combine all money if you don't have to? You can still reach the same goals in life with separate accounts. And one of these goals is "hapiness." I don't think many find that with 100% of the money combined. But that's just me, and it's worked for 17 years now.
Even if both spouses aren't "working", they should each have some individual control over money. I am a SAHM, and if for one minute I had to account for every penny and ask permission to spend any money, I'd be back in the workforce faster than you could blink. No matter what the set up of a marriage is, both partners have a right to be individual adults.
 
October 17, 2006, 9:49 am CDT

Tell Neanderthal that this isn't the Dark Ages.

Quote From: ladyinseattle

I've been married 5 years on the 20th this month,My husband and i we never ever fight about Money,Because i never complain abou it,I have small busines my own,I make 45k a year  my husband and I had agreement about spending money,I will give it to him all my  check every week,and he deposit to our account,but the problem is i dont have any access for it,and i'm ok with it part of  the agreement is he give me allowance$600 dollars a month But,,,,i need to pay my own car and insurnace,he give a charge card but i only use it for grocery and for the house not my things,He is watching everyday my charge card if i buy something for myself, even 10 dollars i need to pay him back,so my $300 dollars thats for my personal thing,IS THIS RIGHT??dO I NEED TO COMPLAIN ABOUT IT???Is he controling me??

"Do I need to complain?"

 

 

 

You're joking right??? I find this not only unacceptable, but also a form of abuse. I'm not sure why you allowed him to do this to you, but I would go to him today and tell him the finances are changing as of today. You say you have allowed yourself to receive a $600 allowance. Do you mind sharing why you set yourself up to be controlled like this?

 

Here is what I would do:

 

1. Tell him you will have full access to your money starting today.

2. You will open up a joint checking account to pay the household bills.

3. The money left over is to go into your individual account.

4. Both of you should have a credit card to spend how you see fit. You are both adults, so you

    shouldn't feel the need to have to "answer" to each other.

 

If he can't agreee to this, then tell him he can either seek counseling with you, or you will take measures to protect your happiness and sanity, which includes a separation or divorce. Don't waste your life living in the dark ages. Today, women are allowed to vote, own land, work, have pride and self respect, and manage their own money. Don't let anyone take these things away from you. You're better than that.

 
October 17, 2006, 11:25 am CDT

10/17 What Would Robin Do?

Quote From: mistyc

Just because your'e married doesn't mean you have to have joint checking.  My husband and I have been married for more than 2 years and have been a couple for 4 years and we have never had joint checking.  I am more than willing to pay my share of the household expenses, but I was single far to long to ask anybody's permission to spend my own money.  I understand how this wouldn't work if your a stay at home mom though
I'm a stay at home mom and I am now 100% in charge of money, it doesn't mean my husband doesn't have a say or have suggestions. But I do the budget, pay the bills and keep track of the checking account...only because I'm better at it.

We have a joint checking account.

Besides all this, I don't get this "I me mine" attitude with money. His money that he earns is OUR money. I stay home because it's what WE wanted.  There is no "his" and "hers" in our money.

We both always ask permission to spend extra money....because that's the respectful thing to do when you are in a marriage.  Unless you have so much money it doesn't matter if you spend and spend.

But if my husband wants a new videogame he asks me. And if I want  a new pair of shoes I ask him. There is no resentment or no grabby attitude with money. It also worked this way when we both worked before we had a child. All our money went into one account. All the bills were paid, money put in savings and if there was left over money for fun and toys we spent it together to improve our home or family life OR we split it...even though at one point me made much more than me or I made much more than him.

I couldn't live with someone who was grabby with money.
 
October 17, 2006, 11:37 am CDT

Breaking tradition

There is nothing wrong with breaking tradition.  My husband were married 2 years ago and shocked everyon with smashing the cake in the face.  We got some back lash about it but it was great.  The guest that is on the show should have forgave and forgot 18 years ago.  It was just cake. 
 
October 17, 2006, 11:46 am CDT

Ready to lose it all

My husband lost his job in July ( he got bad off sick  with MAC Disease ) & now were probably going to lose everything. It's a very long story & I'm to worn out to go into it here. I just hope & pray no one else is having to go thru all these problems. My 26 year old son who has epilepsy moved in to help us out & now he's got kidney stones & no medical insurance. Robin, do you know of an agency who I can call to get my husband & son some help? My husband & I are both signed up on SSI but dont receive any thing yet its still pending.

Thank You & God Bless,

Annette

 
October 17, 2006, 11:51 am CDT

10/17 What Would Robin Do?

Quote From: jdreid

There is nothing wrong with breaking tradition.  My husband were married 2 years ago and shocked everyon with smashing the cake in the face.  We got some back lash about it but it was great.  The guest that is on the show should have forgave and forgot 18 years ago.  It was just cake. 
Yeah...attitude is everything. If she had just laughed it off and enjoyed her day and their funny silly moment as a married couple she could have been spared carrying around a little grudge for 18 years.

How sad...crap happens...smile and make the best of it I say.
 
October 17, 2006, 11:59 am CDT

not feeling like an equal

Quote From: cherokeerose

 Hello, Luv!
Many women(men) think they can change the 'intended' once they are married.  But, by the time a man or woman is marriageable, behavior patterns are set............or there'd be no business for the shrinks.  What's more, people ALWAYS tell you who they are, and you should listen, listen, listen.  The hormone thingie passes, and what's left is business.  What that business entails, should be worked out before the dotted line is signed.  Too late for that now. 
If you love this man, then make all efforts to gain counseling together.  If he refuses, that's a clue.  We have one life, we should seek it to be fulfilled. 

I don't know if your problem is real or imagined by Nathan, but HE MOST CERTAINLY has a problem with control.  You're not his puppet on his string, you're an equal partner, with equal responsibilities and equal opportunities when it comes to decisions.  He needs someone to help him grow up, but that won't be you.  Get some help for yourself if he refuses to go to counseling with you, and make him an offer he can't refuse or, hopefully, won't.

Some time ago someone figured out how much the 'master of house' would pay in wages if he had to reimburse for everything the 'drudge/wife' does for him in the home.  Nathan would not be a happy camper if you were to start charging him.

So, luv, take charge of YOUR life, look at all the angles and make your move.  Life goes by so fast.

I have a problem with gaining some control in my marriage. I have been married for 7 years we lived together for 7 years. so in the total of 14 years being with the same man I am finding not only do I not have a voice I don't have a  outside job either. We have our own construction business and when business is down then so am I because it is then I start hearing about how I should get a job and make some money. Our marriage is just going downhill fast. I can't seem to get him to understand that marriage counseling might help. He feels that I don't do anything because I don't bring in a paycheck.  I don't have anyplace to go , I have been looking for work but not getting anything. I have worked in the past but have not been working since we got married. I feel like I don't know what to do or where to go. We talk about divorce all the time and he says I can leave because he owns the house and I am not working anyway.

 
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